My sense of Community

I've started going to a Unitarian church. It's been amazing. I have rather enjoyed being in a place that encourages spiritual growth and conversation. It feels like that part of me that has kept my spirituality a secret has been released and I get to grow. It also reminds me there is a lot of pain connected to church and community that has yet to be talked about. There are many things that go through my mind when I think about church and community.
First, I was judged in the times when I needed someone to guide me. I thought that that was what Christians were about. I did learn some things about Jesus from them. But for the most part, I just thought that they were all about judgement. I felt lost, confused, and shunned.
Second, I have been to Catholic services and have been completely lost. People have learned these traditions and rituals since they were born. They understand the meaning. To me, it's like seeing a foreign culture and again, that feeling of loss and being shunned for not understanding what they are doing.
The other component of community has produced much anxiety for me. I pee my pants when I laugh. I have learned to gain very good control over my bladder muscle over the years and it does not happen very often but on rare occasion. When I was younger, I never thought that I'd have control. I laughed and peed all the time. It haunted me. I still remember times when I peed my pants in class and years went by when someone would bring it up again. I was embarrassed that people had seen this in me and would talk about it like it was so entertaining. I felt judged and shunned about every question about it. It was the first thing some people knew about me. It might be the only thing some people know about me. I switched elementary schools to get away from the torment. It happened again but I wasn't there long before I went to a junior high school where not many people knew me and at that point, not many people figured out that this had happened. On a side note, I also went to a junior high where it would not be known who my brother was. I was tried of being my brother's keeper and having people come to me to say, "Do you know what your brother did?" No and I don't care. What am I supposed to do? Tell my mom?
So, my sense of community from the beginning was that of being made fun of and shunned for those things that make me human. It seemed that every time I tried to establish a friendship or a group of friends, something would happen and inevitably, I would be judged and shunned again. I even had friends who were a part of a youth group, which was important to me. Eventually, the drama between who liked who and a painful breakup at the age of 12 with a 14 or 15 year old member (Evan) of the group caused me to flee from it. Only one member had been kind enough to reach out and that was Heather, who I've written about before-- the one who dated my brother and hung out with Kirk. I'm sure at one point Heather did care. But it was later that her actions hurt me. She even dated Evan. I know it's cliche but with friends like that who needs enemies. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can maintain friendships. I'm always worried about judgement and gossip in regard to people disconnecting from the friendship. I know people gossip or talk and they can say good and bad things and I'm fine with that as long as they accept that it's a part of me being human.
It has been easy for me to disconnect from communities. It was emotionally tough to move to San Diego for my undergraduate degree and yet, I did. And I did it without much support from friends, who I thought would have been there for me. It was even more scary and difficult to move out to Connecticut for my masters but I did it. I have felt embarrassed in getting close to people in New Haven and worry about them bad mouthing me. I know that this is irrational because some of the people who are talking aren't the best people anyway and I don't mind not being their friends.
One of the things I do like about Connecticut is that people do have a sense of psychology and loyalty. I talk constantly about how I'm still not friends with people from high school because I cheated on the crappy boyfriend I had in high school. People are easy to dismiss others when they know they have a large population to choose other and better friends. In Connecticut, it's small. For example, I recently met someone who went to school with one of my ex boyfriends. I know each person in a different context and it seems interesting that there are so many connections. I have plenty of stories of people who I know hanging out with other people I know, not realizing that I know both. The stereotype is that people in Connecticut are cold. Yes, they are cold on approach. But they easily warm up and will be your loyal friend. They see your faults and understand that it's part of being human. When you mess up, they say, "You f*ed up, let's go get a beer." They understand the value of loyalty in friendship. And face it, there's not a million people to choose from so, when they have friends, they make sure to keep those friends. This loyalty has produced a lot of anxiety because I am still working under the impression that if I mess up, if I act human, that no one will be my friend. I have anxiety that I'm really not worth their friendship. Yet, I do have the understanding that their loyalty runs deep and it's good.
I feel that the people I have remained friends with from my hometown have been the people who understand my need for perfection and that I am also human. I worry of their judgement and yet, I know that they are friends. They've been friends this long anyway.
People wonder why I don't want to go back to California. I just don't. I have some good connections out there and I could possibly make it. Yet, I think it'll be better for me to stay out here. I think my roots are here. This is where I belong. There are certainly people and places in California that I miss. But the whole culture out there has nothing on the people and culture out here.

Thanks, I needed to write that out and feel that it has been received and understood by those who are around me.

Incidences of "Not Rape"

I like this one essay about "not rape" (seen here: http://www.racialicious.com/2008/12/21/original-essay-the-not-rape-epidemic/ ). I'm going to write about some of my experiences with rape and not rape. These are the things that I just want to get out as a catharsis.

One of the times I really remember a not rape moment was when I dated an older guy when I was 16. His name was Vincent. One day, he was driving me home. He stopped down the street from where I lived. Now, I could have gotten out of the car and walked but I didn't. He told me that he wanted me to give him a hand job and he's drive me home based on how good I was. He drove on. I felt uncomfortable because there were apartments around and some of those apartments face the street. Those people could see in. Also, wtf? He eventually go me there, but it was uncomfortable.

I had a long term relationship with a man. I even lived with him for a few years. One night, we drank. He drank often and it didn't seem to effect him. For me, it effected me a lot. We went upstairs to our bedroom. I was tipsy. I was slightly horny. He pulled my legs apart and we had sex. The only thing that I said to him was that I regretted that it happened or maybe even that I wished it didn't happen. I wasn't fully conscious or in control at the time. I don't remember if I was seeing a therapist at the time, but I probably didn't mention it to her. I didn't want it to be a big deal. For my body, though, it was a big deal. It may be that I don't drink as heavily or loosen up as much as maybe I should.

I liked a guy, James. He had been drunk one night and he spent the night at my place. He was very gentle and nice. He spent the night on the inflatable mattress. We had hung out a few more times. One of the times we had hung out, we started kissing and eventually had sex. I had asked him to stop, to go down on me. He said it was OK. While I did want it to happen, I didn't. I wanted to sit down, talk. I wanted to talk about my health concern, about what it would mean. I felt badly. I even did some artwork and went into a funk. I didn't want to think that James would be that way. We eventually were friends again. He recently passed away from causes unknown. I'm glad we were friendly before he died. I wish I wasn't angry with him (and sometimes I am). And sometimes I get really emotional about it.

There are many guys who have crushes on me. Sometimes they seem overly persistent that we will be together. One of the guys is a photographer and I had him take some photos of me. We were going to do some semi-nude photos. I decided against it because he continued to look at my breasts and push the limits of our friendship. I just wasn't comfortable in being without clothes in front of him.
I just get so annoyed when I encounter someone who has liked me and doesn't get the hint that I don't want to be with that person. I get tired of answering questions of why I don't want to date the person. I get annoyed when they try to touch me, hug me, kiss me, etc. I feel that somehow I brought it onto myself.

There were two guys who would guilt trip me when I didn't have sex with them. One guy, Matt, was 21 when I was 16 and we were in a relationship. He liked that I was young and skinny. I was like a trophy to him. He was overweight. When I would say I didn't want to have sex with him, he would get all sulky. I hated it. I felt badly. I felt that I needed to have sex with him when he was in the mood.
Another guy who I dated recently, D., would go into these huffs if I wasn't in the mood. Eventually, I would leave. Then later, I would apologize. I wanted to have a relationship. He wanted to only have sex. He pointed out my routine of texting him the next morning. There was even a time when I had a migraine and couldn't leave. He was upset at me.
Things got better when we decided to only have a booty call relationship because I knew when I was horny or he was horny that we would text each other. Even with that, when he decided to end this relationship, he just stopped answering text. That made me feel like shit. When I've encountered him since then, drama has always ensued. I know many people who know him and think highly of him. He's an artist. In my mind, I always scream "Fucking crack addict." My friend warned that D.'s probably not a crack addict, but addicted to LSD. I don't fucking care. His roommate did coke. I wouldn't think twice if I found out he was doing heroin, crack, coke, or LSD, whatever. Of course, my friends in CT tend to be on good terms with each other, even when some are complete fuck-ups. They just kind of manage. I wish I could be more like that instead of irritable. I feel that I have my reasons, though.
Off subject here, (just venting) there's another guy, J. and knows a great amount of my friends. He went up to D. one time to let him know I was clingy, which freaked D. out. I didn't think it was true at the time. When I see J., I can't tell him that I know this and think he's a complete and utter asshole for it. I don't like J. for what he did. I was nice to him many times. I was friends with him on FB for a time. Then, I decided he's not someone who I want to talk to or consider a friend. I took him off my list. Then, he decided to talk to me. We seemed OK at the time. In October, I was on a date and the guy that I was with insulted J. as we walked away from a business. I emailed J., not wanting his feelings to be hurt or to cause drama. He said things were OK. But things were OK because I sent that email. After that, I decided I don't want to give a shit about J.'s fucking emotions. And truthfully, I don't fucking have to. So, when I see him, I might say hi; I might not. Usually, I don't. I just live in uncomfortable silence between us and I try to have fun.

Anyway, since I'm getting off subject here, I'm going to get going. Thanks for reading my vents.