Getting rid of the old to have a great things in my life.

I'm trying to feel comfortable rejecting guys. I always feel guilty about it. I walk away and I remember, “You're going to miss it when it's not happening all the time.” But you know, I want to have more self-worth than to fuck any guy who I see while I'm drunk or desperate. I'm not desperate anymore. I'm not lonely anymore. I just want someone worthy of my time. It might be time to tell my fellow Rotarians that I am single. There's lots of people who love seeing people in love, especially if they had some part of it. Right now, I'm so not interested in dating. There are plenty of guys around I wouldn't mind being with if the time were right but for the most part, no. I'm not interested. I think about going to Match.com but I've dated people from free sites. There's nothing really there for me. I've had some good friends come from it. I know match would be different but I'm still not interested. And I have to get comfortable telling people that they don't match what I want. The bar tender hit on me last night and invited me out for drinks. He has an engineer mind (he does computer coding and such) and I've already been through that. I think he just thought he was going to get lucky from some girl who was by herself at the bar. Geez, awful. I'm done. And then the guilt comes-- oh, but what if he's actually different, he doesn't intellectualize, if he's actually a gentleman. At the end of the day, I decide this and I'm not interested. There was no wow factor there. My roommate says he's a nice guy but can be very flirtatious. Oh geez. I think this went beyond flirting for better tips.

When I'm ready, I'll find the guy. There are available men around me all the time. I was thinking about how it would be nice to have JZ as a companion and Joe as a lover. I wish I could have them both in one person-- an intelligent person who is amazing in bed.

There are still people I'm lying to about the break up.

I nearly texted JZ to tell him that I wasn't interested in being anything more than people who do activities together. I don't think he'd be up for that. I don't want to lead him on. I saw him on Monday and he was as awful as he has been. Lucius has been there and has told me that he felt sorry for me and hopes that the way he doesn't effect my self worth. He complained about coming up, about how tired he was and out of the way the NL is from New Haven. OMG, all while he's telling me that he's hoping to have it work out. He was also still upset about the Misfits concert and denying that he was upset. NO! I'm done with this. I don't even remember a time when he said something original. He begins most of his statements with “The guys...”, “My friends....”, “My mom....”, “The guys I work with....” At this point, I don't trust him. He told people I cried because I didn't want to go to the Misfits concert. There seems to be lots missing from that story-- like the pressure on both of us from “the band” for me to be there. The pressure from his mom, from my roommate, from everyone who thinks that it's OK for women to put up with things they don't like for their guys. But the thing with that is that usually the guy is expected to do something he doesn't like or enjoy for the woman--- and if he could do that, there wouldn't be a problem. But the problem here was that I already sacrificed. I didn't listen to my music if I thought he wouldn't like it while we were driving around. I drove to him during the week or the weekend most of the time. He didn't pick me up from the train station that was a 5 minute drive from his house. He didn't meet me in New Haven for dinner during the week because he was tired-- but he did hang out with his female friend who he doesn't get to see often. I even let him drive my car when he was pissed because I didn't want to make him more upset. I was upset by that and I was crying at that instance. You know, I stuffed my feelings for about 2 months. I earned the right not to stand by my man at that stupid, fucking concert. I also hadn't been satisfied in bed for the whole fucking year. The look of disgust and the lack of any attempt to be good at oral sex was fucking awful. It's one of the things that used to make me orgasm really well and he was so fucking bad at it, I would rather skip it then deal with the fucking frustration. I mean seriously, after all that, I'm guilted into going to some concert. I'm so glad it's over.

I've talked to my ex Jeremy about some of the issues with the relationship with JZ. One of the things he brought up was that JZ's taste of music and art was offensive to my spirituality. It was. To listen to a band with a name like “EyeHateGod” is offensive to me. To make me listen is offensive. Joe liked the same bands but never forced me once to go to a concert or a festival. He was surprised the time I didn't mind going to New Haven. He was going for a concert and I was going to visit friends.

As I'm going forward in my singlehood, I'm getting rid of some friends. First, my ex Adam who thought that I owed him sex because he hung around. He did it in the most condescending way-- because who would Adam be without being fucking condescending. It's kind of interesting that he was apologetic about his reason for breaking up, “I'm awesome and you think I'm awesome and I don't need to be around someone who thinks I'm awesome because I already know.” This time, he said that he doesn't have to see a future with everyone he has sex with. You know, it just reminds me I don't want to have that in my life. I had been there before. Fuck that shit.

I also had to get rid of W. It was finally reiterated to me what a selfish asshole he is. And occasionally, review our friendship/sort of dating thing and just get upset. I mean the whole trip to Las Vegas was awful. It was like I was his captive at that point. So, the story of the end of our friendship starts with me visiting for the expressive therapies summit. He was already trying to plan things before I got there. I told him a few times that we can't make many plans because I will be tired and won't have enough time to do much while I was there. He was respectful most of the time but was not respectful about my dating JZ. At one point, I had said something about JZ not knowing something and W responded, “Well, at least he's cute.” He told me that since his roommate was Latina that she was possessive of him even though they weren't dating. I think she asserted her possessiveness by setting him up on date under the guise of “we're decorating for Christmas” (at the beginning of November btw). He kindly went to dinner with me, he helped me out but this date was still at the apartment, hanging out with the roommate. Before I got to leave and had some help from W getting my things together, he asked the woman for her phone number. That's really great but he neglected me some of the time I was there. Also, we went to dinner and he was all about how he'll always love me. So, it was really confusing for him to say he'd always be there for me and that he loved me but then totally ignore me and hit on this chick. UGH. I don't know why they couldn't fucking wait another week. Why take a date when you have company in town? It would be so much better and easier if he did it the week later. I wouldn't have had to witness him getting her phone number (which he could have gotten from his roommate anyway).

But that day was a microcosm of what was to come. They went on a few dates before officially getting together on Thanksgiving. Then, he didn't sleep for four nights. I'm guessing that they just fucked all night. He told me he was taking sleeping pills at like 9 P.M. and they made him loopy. So, he pretty much was useless after 9 P.M. Then he told me that he couldn't really talk on the weekends because he was “busy.” Later, he tried to tell me that his daughter was visiting, which he hadn't felt the need to mention before so, it was really odd.

I had wanted to call him to complain about what had happened with Adam. I was really upset and unsure about shit. I also didn't want to bother Lucius because we had made a rule for us not to talk if he had been drinking-- and I thought he might have so I was looking for other support. W did not want to talk. Said he was “busy.” OK, so the one time I'm really needy, he can't fucking be a friend. The phone call was literally going to last 15 minutes-- I just needed to let out some steam and then I'd move on. I was really upset about this the next day, which lead to the next string of events.

Since October, he had been working on a flyer for my business. I asked him for what he had at the beginning of December. He, then, reformatted it for the website that I was going to order from. But then I looked at it. This was a weekend with his “daughter” or his girlfriend, whatever was the truth. And the fact that I couldn't trust him about that started to really, really bother me. When I looked at it, there were LOTS of mistakes. He told me that he couldn't attach the one with all of the text boxes, etc because it was too big, which I thought would be the case. He told me that he would send to me. It's not here and I don't think it ever will be.

So, I sent an email, telling him what he had to change. OMG, the fucking tantrum/meltdown was awful. It was almost as bad as Rich a few years ago. So, W goes on and on about how terrible I was for not starting the email with “Hey, could you make these changes for me, please.” Then, he throws all these weird things in my face like that I made him pay 1/ 2 price for the painting I gave him, I only want him to break up with his girlfriend and he's not sacrificing her or his time with her for me. He feels accepted and how dare I want him to do that. He basically called me a bad person.

I apologized. I said it was bad business. And didn't know he was upset about paying for the painting. I didn't address the stupid shit about his girlfriend because that wasn't a financial situation and that wasn't anything I could defend myself against in a polite and nice way. I didn't even want to step into, “I'm sorry that you feel that I'm trying to break up you and your girlfriend.” I just think he could have been a friend and more respectful to me than someone that he just met-- but you know, opinions. I don't want a part time friend with bankers hours.

I know he has issues with feeling accepted. I know that he could pick up on my coldness and my attempts to cut him out of my life. I was using his Netflix account but so was his roommate. It made it difficult to watch some times. Then, one time, I was trying to watch something and it reset or she reset it. You know what, I can fucking afford $9 a month. I don't need this bullshit. I changed his que so that it didn't have what I wanted to watch.

What did it for me was that I made an ass of myself and that's when he wanted to make his presence known. I had thought I put him on my restricted list on FB and I posted something about him saying he was $200 and didn't want to finish my tri-fold flyer for my practice. He liked it. I was embarrassed that he caught me talking shit but you know, he can't really say anything against it. Did he have the job for two months? Were there misspellings? Were there more than one type of formatting issue? Did he refuse to change it? Yes. Those are the facts. He can argue about the personal shit all he wants but those were the issues with the flyer.

Before I unfriended him, we discussed Christmas gifts. I also had a discussion with my brother about what I wanted. When a package from Amazon showed up, I thought it was from my brother. But then, right before Christmas, the book from my brother showed up. This brought confusion as I didn't know who the Amazon package was from. I opened it to find a book from W. We had unfriended each other at this point. WTF? I didn't know what to do. I'll enjoy the book and go on my way.

I went through many emotions and thoughts. There were thoughts to ruin his free lance graphic design career by giving him bad online reviews. But you know, he was a friend doing this so, it wasn't his most professional self, obviously. Plus, I think he has some nude photos of me without my face but still, to even identify a nude photo as from me might embarrass me or at worst ruin me. I would feel sick about that.

The other thing is to go forward with making a piece of art for his apartment, possibly something positive for him and his girlfriend. But I worry that he would think I put something negative in there and with my emotions all over the place, I can't guarantee that there wouldn't be some anger or resentment in it. I feel guilty about all this. At one point, I even asked W if there were anything I could do to repair the friendship. I was met with silence. Luckily, he's removed me from everything. And I can only hope that he's not trying to ruin my credit or change my passwords or something. I don't know what he can do but let's just assume the worst. He does work for government online security.

I talked to my crazy half brother on Christmas Eve. I think he was on some upper. He didn't let me get a word in. He also made some weird statements about talking to me weekly because it's not like we could ever date. He tried to give dating advice-- the same shit he always says. If I took better care of myself, then guys would like me better. I think that's fake and prostitution. I'm upfront of who I am. There's no “let me dress up” for your fucking entertainment. He actually said I dress frumpy. Well, then, fuck you. I told him I just wasn't ready to hear it. He tried other advice. Nah, I'm good. Fuck that shit. He told me that he was close to Meili and my dad's ex lover Sandi. I was upset about that. It's like he doesn't see how awful they are. He was telling me how smart Meili was-- yeah, that's true but you know, she still is with dad because she wants his money. Dad's under no illusions about what she wants. She wants to control his money and I guess get it all.

I brought up that he has brought up and laughed about how I wanted someone older, with at least a masters, who was sophisticated and ready for a relationship-- but I didn't have that in Joe. I asked him why he brought that up because he's mentioned it before and to me, it sounds like he was laughing that I had standards. I keep thinking, “But don't you want someone on my level? Don't you want someone good for me?” I'm really fucking tired of giving everyone a chance because I'm guilted into it. He says it's not what he meant. Oh whatever. It's not funny to me.

It doesn't help that there was that news story about a woman who was killed because she rejected someone. I wish I could feel fine with turning someone down because of my own values. I wish I didn't feel like I would be better off saying I had a boyfriend since that way I could walk away without worry-- the guy wouldn't feel that it was about him directly.

I had an hour and a half conversation with my mom yesterday. We talked about all sorts of things-- dad, Sandi, my half brother, my abortion, and all sorts of things. We still haven't discussed my rape. My mom bothered me by making all sorts of theories about why my friend's 30 year old son is acting like he's 12. OMG, just stop. I don't know the guy and I'm not about to theorize as to why he's acting a fool. My mom was bothered by me mentioning that Kaze threw it in my face that I had the abortion and he wanted kids-- that if we had kids that we wouldn't have broken up. My mom wanted to stay for the kids. She said it was also because she thought that Dad would change and because she loved him. I quickly changed the topic by saying that I wasn't sure if I was capable of loving Kaze. Kaze was a good guy. I cared lots about him. I was capable of loving him as much as I could at the time but I don't think that was fair for him.

I'm learning about having good guys in my life who I can't see myself dating-- and that's OK. Jeremy and JZ were great guys but it wasn't going to work out.

My mom said a few things that connected to me. She said that dad goes head first into things and is all excited about them but doesn't do his research. I sort of did that with opening my own business. But dad has done it worse like buying a warehouse in Chinatown and didn't get it inspected. It had mold in it. It was a bad place. Now, he's all for this property in Mexico. He has all sorts of ideas for it. And he says that Meili is not supportive of the idea, that she doesn't want to go and she control him with money. But she might be just trying to prevent him from spending everything to get a piece of shit. OI. Also, he has all these ideas that don't end up turning out well, if he goes through with them at all. Mom doesn't finish things all the time either. She starts a lot of stuff. She has some great ideas and then nothing. I have been working on following through and I've been doing it faster and faster.

Before, I could do long term projects in classes. Now, I'm picking up hand stitching. It takes a while but it's nice. Otherwise, I would stick to collages.

Anyway, better go. I typed this in a word document and it is 4 pages. It's almost midnight. I'm loosing steam.

Venus