The Doctor

I keep having a rash. It's on either side of the top of my vaginal lips. It doesn't matter how I eat, there is a constant rash there. And no matter how much that I do with epsom salt, with tea tree oil in lotion, and probiotics, it doesn't matter-- it still remains. I'm even thinking of getting rid of all underwear that aren't cotton. But this morning, as I was getting pissed off, I was thinking that I forgot to start microwaving my undies so that I can get rid of any other candida that might be still in my underwear. I have to say, it still feels weird down there to take probiotics and have no discharge. But then there's lots of discharge the next day. I'm thinking about getting candidase-- the enzyme that breaks it down. I have a great probiotic, so I know it's not that.

I was reading about how doctors don't treat the body as sacred-- it's just a sort of talk and very scientific, etc. But it reminded me of a time when I wanted to remain comfortable at the doctors-- and I chose to keep my shirt on instead of going down to just my undies. I was about 8. I was developing at that age. I'm sure by being an early bloomer, I was awkward about my body. The other thing that made me uncomfortable was that my mom constantly told me I was flirting-- but she didn't explain how I was flirting and so, I was just uncomfortable. I had also been kissed by my dad's friends. They showed me porn mags. It was weird. So, my mom seemed like she was uncomfortable with me keeping my shirt on because she thought it might tell the doctor that I was abused. I've been getting really angry with her lately of the confusion that she passed on to me. Oh, mom, geez, I'm sorry if I might have indicated that something sinister came along. It must be so embarrassing for you to think that I was abused by people who were around dad. And you didn't do much to protect me. UGH. It makes me sick. One of my dad's friends was weird and had a fit when I closed up and didn't want him to kiss me. He said I was antisocial or something. That didn't tip them off? And my dad's other friend-- the one who showed me porn mags-- he sniffed my crotch at some point while babysitting. UGH.
My therapist is trying to get me to understand my mom. I just feel like my mom didn't acknowledge me-- like getting mad at me for peeing my pants, which I had no control over, BTW, and that she couldn't acknowledge the anger that my dad wasn't around. I called him a sperm donor a lot until she told me that she had a relationship with him so she was offended. OH, REALLY, you're fucking offended. I'm sorry my anger at my dad is uncomfortable for you.

So, my mom is coming to visit for my birthday. I don't know how I'm going to deal with her. She was really rude about meeting Jeremy. I know she has mother's intuition and I trust that-- but seriously, she couldn't just be nice about my dating life. It makes me think that I'm just so unreliable that I can't have a steady relationship, according to my mom.

But here's the thing-- I don't want to hurt my boyfriend through cheating. Joe S has been around and flirting through text, even offering to keep his door open in case I come by. He tells me very nice things and tells me he would have a relationship with me-- which sorta makes me want to break up with my boyfriend or at least cheat. In the past, nothing would have prevented me from going back to Joe S. If he wanted me, I felt obligated. I let my addicted self take over and dissociate and feel guilty. But since Jeremy, I have been feeling more guilty and that I don't want to hurt the guy I'm with. With him, if I cheated, I would do it with someone who I had no feelings for and it was a one-time deal. I didn't want to have something with connection. I just occasionally wanted to fuck, fuck someone else other than my boyfriend at the time-- which I thought would never change. Now, I do want to fuck but I would want a relationship with Joe S and that doesn't work. I've been keeping other guys at a distance too so that I don't have to deal with my addicted self. So, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend and I'm strong in our relationship. Everytime I get too tempted with Joe S, I think of how complicated it was with him. We couldn't go on a 5k, like I did with my boyfriend. I would have had to listen to Joe S complain how he wanted to do it and he couldn't because of work or he was upset that his friend started doing 5Ks when he wanted to do it. It would have been so messy. With my boyfriend, it was a bit difficult to get him to want to run but once there, we had a blast, we took pictures, we just had so much fun. We were both in a great mood afterward. We took a shower, a nap, and watched movies. We had dinner with my roommate and her ex husband. It was just a great day. I feel so great with my boyfriend. Sometimes I even feel that he heals me. I feel like I'm on such a high after he leaves and when he's around. It's just really nice. This weekend, I told him how glad I am to have met him now after being single for a year. I got a lot of things out of my system and I got to see what I really didn't want. And I'm just so glad. I also met him at a time when I was strong in myself that being independent doesn't bother me that much. I don't have to sacrifice everything for a guy. I love that.

Anyway, I better get going.