Metamorphosis

I got the death card today in my daily tarot card reading. It means the end of a chapter in my life and changing to something new, which is good for the new year.

John has continued to say he's very attracted to me and it's very intense for him. I wish he could get over it. I'm not into him. I'm also tired of kissing on the lips when we see each other, I'd rather not anymore but I'm not sure how to say it. He wanted a long hug after he was sweating at the gym yesterday. I told him he was sweaty and I didn't want to do it and he kept trying. He also tried to kiss me on the lips. There are some nice looking guys at the gym and I'd rather not kiss this man on the lips in front of everyone-- it's a dominance thing and I don't like it. I just don't know how to address it. I just keep trying to avoid it, making excuses.
I've grown resentful of John for the same things that Walter used to do-- take all my free time. I don't tell him about stuff sometimes. He just is so needy sometimes that I can't take it. I told John about a guy I met in New Haven and he got really mad and jealous. It just sucks. I have avoided talking about any dates that I have with the guy. I know the energy has changed in my life and I know it's just a matter of time before everyone finds out that I am into a guy.

W and I have been getting along but it's still tough. He wants to do a million things. He wants to make millions of dollars. He wants me to start a company in New York so we can make a million dollars. I get it, he wants the best for me. But I'm not there yet. I want to help people. I don't want to do this shit and I don't want to do other people's ideas. I want my own ideas and I just need to do them. It's so frustrating. I just feel that sometimes I can't get a break, like with my professional license-- there's another setback, surprise, surprise and it's going to cost me. There's this whole question of what to do with the hours I worked and collected when I was still considered a student. I'm glad that my supervisor isn't asking for the money I collected. I wasn't supposed to collect money if I was a student. And I wasn't supposed to pay for supervision either.

I went out on a second date with a guy I met in New Haven. On the second date, I was trying to push him away, prove to him he shouldn't want to be with me-- and he still wanted to be with me. I wonder, though, that if he felt he had better options if he would still want to be with me. I don't like to admit that we kissed on the lips and it was not good. It was like kissing a fish. I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I'm glad he's interested and he seems fairly emotionally stable but I just don't know. I'm glad that we're going slow. I asked him if he wanted to join me at a sweat lodge on the 27th. He said he would and he might spend the night at my place. But I'm also busy with work.

I'm working on having time with other friends. I am going to have tea with a girl I met at poetry. She seems cool and is interested in coming to a group therapy session. I'm getting excited about how well the group therapy session is going. Also, I can talk to her about relationships without having to worry about stupid jealousy or "you better be careful" when there's nothing wrong. I sometimes don't like that I have to be a therapist outside of sessions.

I'm getting more creative and into my art. I also want to spend some time away from others and write some stories. :)

I'm going to post some of the recent artwork.
I'm still grappling with being frustrated with myself for trying to sabotage myself in relationships and for all the mistakes I made when I was in the midst of the sex addiction. I just don't know what to do.

I haven't seen my ex Joe for a few weeks. I miss him. He was so sweet and very into having sex when we did. I like that we could be that way without a relationship. I liked that he gave me just want I needed-- a sweet sexual experience without a relationship. It's just want I needed at the time. Now, I'm not so sure. I can't tell what I feel and now I'm trying to cut out carbs and it's going to get interesting. I feel hungry a lot of the time-- when I'm on this diet. I have been on a candida diet before and I was miserable and had some weird health side effects like shallow breath at night and shaking sometimes-- because my body had no sugar. I couldn't process potatoes-- which I used to love.

Anyway, I better get going. I'll post some cool pictures later.