Oh Boy

Yesterday, I stayed in bed. I woke up after a not-so-great sleep and I thought that was the time to start taking a real look at who I'm interested in. Then, I decided that there's no good prospects as far as romance for me. This lead me to have a long talk with my friend who wanted to date. He realized that it was really over and that we were not going to get together right now. He was hoping I'd change my mind. But at the same time, he signed up for kickball so, he knew that we weren't going anywhere. He's still helping me out with business. I'm glad for that. It's just upsetting. I told him things like I didn't trust him when we were in Vegas. It hurt him but I think I needed to get it out. He decided to start things over from the beginning, which is fine. I'm glad to have his support.

So, a while ago, I was dating a guy who was into LARP-ing-- Live Action Role Playing. There are books on story lines and character development. The guy handed me the book to show me "The Curse of Venus." It's a major story line where the person afflicted with the curse falls in love with inappropriate people at inappropriate times, in inappropriate situations and the people that the character likes will find him/her selfish and arrogant. And when I thought about it-- these two guys that I wouldn't mind dating, well, they are both hours away. One of them is not finished with school and isn't sure why he's there. The other one is here and there about being interested and not. And I don't feel that there are any good guys in my area since I'm near a Navy base and a city that had a big problem with drugs-- leaving most people around my age looking for sex or in recovery or actively using drugs. I'm so much better than that shit. But it's still sad that there's no one great for me in my area. I don't know what I'll find if I ever decide to move to New York but I'm sure it's closer to what I want. So, for the guys I'm interested in, I'm giving little attention to them.

I had sessions in the afternoon and ended up feeling better. I'm on my period and I think it just got me on that day. But luckily, it was one day and I recovered. Sometimes, I go through weeks of it, as I've been tracking, and I don't feel like doing much work when I'm in a stage like that. But I'm looking at my free mornings next week and thinking that work would be really good to catch up on. I am also looking forward to getting some of my paintings done and adding to some of the ones that I've had around. I want the older ones to have more depth.

A friend asked me what feels good for me socially. I mentioned work. I couldn't answer. And I thought more of what makes me feel good in general. I feel good after I've sat with a piece and I've been working on it for hours. There comes a point where there's nothing in the world other than me and my painting. I'm focused. I hear nothing. I don't want food. I barely have a drink of water. All it is is me and my painting. And then, I sit down-- and I look at it and I feel so great. I am completely at east. I'm at peace. I'm sitting there, drunk off my painting without drinking. It's the same for sewing and for writing.

One time my therapist asked about what I write about. I don't know. I go into a meditative state and I release. It's only when I discover something and I either write about it but not enough or I don't get to write about it because I'm busy-- and then it stays.
But one thing that I've been working on and I don't know what to do about is the anger I have at my parents for the way they reacted to my rape at age 13. My roommate had mentioned that there should have been concern about me being 13 and having sex-- even if they did not know it was rape. But instead, they focused on so many other things. I guess my mom thought my therapist would take care of it since she didn't know what to do. I even left for my grandparents' house for a week. I talked to friends back home but my grandparents aren't the greatest. I set up AOL but I guess I set it up incorrectly and they ended up having long distance charges for the dial up. My grandpa was upset and a bully to me. It's not what I needed. I don't know if they knew that something inside me had changed. I think that was the time they called my dad an asshole, which they had the right to do. He had just moved out of the house and in with his girlfriend.
It feels like I have moved away from the situation. I wasn't allowed to grieve my father's move from the house and the fact that my parents weren't going to be together anymore. But I don't know if I have any grief for it.
What I have realized is that I don't think highly of marriage and I haven't in a long time. I think marriage leads to unsatisfied people who care about each other but don't want to leave each other. My grandma complains to the high heavens about my grandpa and at one time told me that she wish she could divorce him or that he dies soon. But when he got diabetes and had to take classes to learn more about his nutrition, she was really sad. It's like my mom too. She married her husband because he wanted to take care of her and aside from that, he doesn't care what happens. She said that he doesn't care if she moved out and was with another guy. But come to the point where he's sick and he might die because of blocked arteries and she's falling apart and begging for him to consider surgery. He already understands that he's going to die. He keeps having talks with her about where his information is for when dies.
And watching the deterioration of my parents' marriage, I just don't have any faith that a marriage will be something that will work out for me. I think that this is what prevents me from wanting a commitment. I get so scared then I sabotage. I want to be over that. 
I've noticed that I write stories that do not have typical endings because I'm tired of the neat Hollywood endings. The stories also piss me off because instead of the guy going back with the girl, the girl chooses to be by herself. There's no happily ever after, no marriage. I think there was a story many years ago where the the man kills the woman for an affair.

My massage therapist is gone for three weeks. I am already noticing my body is tight in some spots, like my hands, feet, lower back and hips. I am doing some exercises. My hips feel better. My core muscles are doing well. I hope that my body gets better. My breasts are so sore. I just feel them sometimes and they are just so tender, especially around the edges. I have been drinking water and taking asprin. Asprin has been my helper this week. I continually get headaches and with the body aches, it's been needed. I also use it as an anti-depressant. I have so many physical symptoms of depression that when I get rid of them, I feel a lot better. If it's not my back, my lack of motivation, it's my stomach and head that hurt when I'm feeling down. Another friend is also a massage therapist on the side and he's agreed to give me a session. I'm not sure when that will happen but I hope it's good. He reminded me that I could bring up issues to my massage therapist like the rape in FL when I thought that I had tearing and the surgery in late 2011. I've talked about my parents and my rape but I have not gone into details about it.

I haven't had sex in a month. I feel pretty good about this. I'm glad that I'm getting my sense of interest back. I used to use sex for anything and everything. Now, I'm avoidant of anything that might get close to it. I went out with a work associate to the casino and decided not to wear a dress. I wanted to. I like wearing them and I'm running out of weather to wear them. But I decided that with a male work associate who already likes me would not be the best situation for a nice dress. I wore a shirt with owls. He said he liked owls. Yeah right. I've been more sensitive to comments about my body too. I feel very self conscious about how huge my breasts are. I wish that when I lose weight from my stomach that I would also lose it from my chest. I feel like I get a lot of attention for pieces of fat that hang from my body, which that society values. It's annoying. Can I just be alone, no hitting on me, no comments on my body, no one talking to me to see if they can have sex with me? This is why I stay home. Now I'm realizing I need a lot less time with people than I thought. I had thought that once a week at game night would be really fun. Now, eh, I'm not so much. I think once a month is fine, especially with battling my energy levels and my headaches. I went to the game night once and met a cool guy, he's supportive but he's also trying to get into my pants. It's annoying. As I've said, I wish I just had my guy friends-- the ones that were not complicated with sexual attraction.

There is a place where no one talks to me, no one hits on me, no one is trying to have sex with me-- that's my neighborhood bar. I like that but at times, it makes me feel like I wasted my time going out. And with not drinking, it feels weird. The bar isn't that active so I end up getting the bar tender a little upset because he has nothing to do and I'm not ordering more. He's also not making much on me if I'm having pineapple juice. But I feel safe there. And I like that it's not the bar where I've slept with everyone. I don't have those in this area. Take me to New Haven and it's a different story.

I feel like I've ran out of steam. I'll update soon. Thanks for reading.