Intimacy Issues
I was talking to my female supervisor the other day. I like that she tends to be more emotionally based and I feel she's more realistic, whereas my male supervisor focuses on contracts and getting people to follow the contract. A client of mine has sex addiction and she wasn't sure what the difference was between that and intimacy issues. I know it's a small change but it made a world of difference to me. For a long time, I identified myself as a sex addict-- feeling the impulse to have sex so I wouldn't feel so alone or be alone at night. But changing to the possibility that it might be an initmacy issue makes me see it differently. I look at how I used to connect with people, especially my first relationships. I have always tried to figure myself out-- wondering why I would leave one guy for another every time. I didn't go very long without a boyfriend.
The part that I've been focusing on lately is how I went from being in a relationship for almost 5 years to not being ready for a relationship for years. First, I think about the times that I felt that Kaze was more of a roommate than a boyfriend. Sure, we slept in the same bed, but we didn't talk. He didn't like talking. We experienced a lot of things together and we also had some inside jokes and he would quote our favorite shows (The Simpsons, mostly). But aside from that, we never really connected. I also didn't do housework. This is a problem for a couple living together, especially since we both had time to keep the apartment tidy and we couldn't. We did a lot of stupid things, like keep packs of empty beer around, I kept boxes everywhere and he had a few boxes of just storage things. We didn't keep anything clean. It was so bad after we moved out after living in a place for three years that they had to replace the carpet. There was no getting those stains out of the carpet-- just mostly from having cats and not picking up after ourselves.
Once Kaze and I started living together, he decided to not keep in contact with his friends. This behavior ALWAYS bothered me. I don't think he had a chance to talk to anyone and he didn't like talking to me about certain things, i.e. he thought that jobs were just stressful anyway so he wouldn't talk about the stress of work, only the funny things that happened. I know that there are times when things don't really change at work so, there's not much to talk about. But he didn't try to talk about anything else. He played video games and then didn't talk about his wins or strategies, etc. He did talk occasionally about some games he played or games he developed.
Eventually, I had a falling out with his family and refused to go up to visit them-- spending a total of 3 hours in the car on a weekend. He decided that he wanted to spend time with me and he didn't see them either. He said that he didn't like going up there. There was a sense of emptiness a lot of the time.
What comforted me was erotic stories and fantasizing about my latest crush. I had issues with liking someone and wanting to act on the feelings. I would try to seduce guys all the time. I would analyze why I liked them. For example, I liked one of the graduate students who was an artist. I liked that he was an artist since Kaze felt that he was not creative. He was creative with creating computer games but I felt that used more logic to make a good program than something as free flowing as a painting or using clay to make something. Although both painting and computer programming require quite a bit of know-how.
Our relationship was easy. I did my thing, he did his and sometimes there was sex. There weren't discussions or arguments. But things didn't feel right. I cared about him but eventually had to go do my own thing with my career, which started the guilt tripping. Actually, we had the same arguments/discussions/misunderstandings-- I didn't like that he went to his friend's house and didn't tell me about it, then he wouldn't get his keys back from her. I thought something had happened and he insisted that nothing happened. To me, it all sounded fishy. I cried all the time before I moved to CT. I just knew that we wouldn't have a relationship. We had a bit of a relationship, watching TV shows and talking over the internet. But in the end, I started dating someone else. That guy turned out to be a fucking crazy person. He's married for the second time. There's still tension between us when we are in the same room. Luckily, he moved away recently.
I think there were a few digs that Kaze used on me before and after our break up. First, the thing that really pissed me off was that he didn't expect me to get into grad school. He thought that I'd be rejected and that I would stay, maybe becoming a manager at the drug store where I worked at the time. I would have felt even more depressed and lonely/empty if I didn't get into grad school. Second, I had an abortion when I was 19. I always loved the decision. He seemed really into the decision too. It was only after we broke up that he said that we'd still be together if we had a kid. I said I wouldn't have completed college or moved away if we had a kid. UGH.
Then, I wasn't ready for a relationship and in my wake, I hurt a lot of good people. The thing that I get upset at myself for is that I dated below me a lot of the time. I felt that I just wanted to give people a chance. Those guys ended up being the worse for me and they were just idiots. I guess I needed to date these fucking low class people to prove to myself that I could do better. When I felt that I was doing better, I dated guys who told me that I was too good for them. This would inevitably cause me to cheat and prove that I had my faults too, especially with sex and matters of the heart/emotions.
I realized this week that the reason I hate New Haven so much is because that's where I mostly dated the guys below me. I still see them around and I worry that I'll go back to old patterns of tension and being unsure of what to do-- most of the guys complain either way-- if I talk or don't talk to them. This has made me feel responsible for how they feel and pay too close attention to my actions. I don't have to. I'm not fucking responsible for them. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell this to myself when I saw James or Danny B.
I'm going to an event soon for a friend in New Haven. He's a beloved part of New Haven, as is seen by those coming for his benefit. So, now, I'll have to be around not only Danny B again but also around Travis. I know others will inevitably show up. Luckily, when I was there and was ditched by an exlover/friend, I met a guy who has been a good support and friend. He has said that he will protect me from the guys who might yell or cause issues for me otherwise. I truly believe a dream that I had will come true. It was about my exlover/friend Mark. In my dream, I saw Mark and I ignored him and went about my business without making eye contact or talking with him. True to life, he yelled at me for ignoring him. I said something like, "We're not friends," which caused an argument. The next time I encountered him in the same dream, he just yelled and yelled. He even stood up to yell at me in front of everyone, while I just walked away. This made him look really bad and I think that if this does happen in real life, it would be the exact same way. He will make a fool of himself, lose control, and realize that he needs to work on himself. His friends might even be a good gauge and tell him to start acting right. But it's ok if they don't.
It wasn't until Adam that I finally broke up with someone because it wasn't working out. I didn't leave him for someone else. I just left him.
After that, I tried harder to make it work out and I didn't break up with the guy, even though I cheated.
After I started dating Tibbets, I start cheated but I didn't cheat with anyone who I could continue the relationship with or fantasize about. For example, instead of cheating with someone in town who I could start a relationship with after I broke it off with Tibbets, I cheated with a friend who came to visit for one day. He lived in another state and we still keep in contact. We have a kind affection for each other. He likes his life in the other state and really can't move here. I wasn't going to move that far for anyone. There wasn't the possibility of a relationship. I think this has bothered some people but I'm glad for it. It was a small change. I finally stopped cheating after Jeremy came back from Venice. I felt I had a free pass in the first month to freak out and date other people-- who all ended up being crappy. I was so glad for Jeremy and that we could be together.
On that note, next month will make a year for me and Jeremy. :)
Venus
The part that I've been focusing on lately is how I went from being in a relationship for almost 5 years to not being ready for a relationship for years. First, I think about the times that I felt that Kaze was more of a roommate than a boyfriend. Sure, we slept in the same bed, but we didn't talk. He didn't like talking. We experienced a lot of things together and we also had some inside jokes and he would quote our favorite shows (The Simpsons, mostly). But aside from that, we never really connected. I also didn't do housework. This is a problem for a couple living together, especially since we both had time to keep the apartment tidy and we couldn't. We did a lot of stupid things, like keep packs of empty beer around, I kept boxes everywhere and he had a few boxes of just storage things. We didn't keep anything clean. It was so bad after we moved out after living in a place for three years that they had to replace the carpet. There was no getting those stains out of the carpet-- just mostly from having cats and not picking up after ourselves.
Once Kaze and I started living together, he decided to not keep in contact with his friends. This behavior ALWAYS bothered me. I don't think he had a chance to talk to anyone and he didn't like talking to me about certain things, i.e. he thought that jobs were just stressful anyway so he wouldn't talk about the stress of work, only the funny things that happened. I know that there are times when things don't really change at work so, there's not much to talk about. But he didn't try to talk about anything else. He played video games and then didn't talk about his wins or strategies, etc. He did talk occasionally about some games he played or games he developed.
Eventually, I had a falling out with his family and refused to go up to visit them-- spending a total of 3 hours in the car on a weekend. He decided that he wanted to spend time with me and he didn't see them either. He said that he didn't like going up there. There was a sense of emptiness a lot of the time.
What comforted me was erotic stories and fantasizing about my latest crush. I had issues with liking someone and wanting to act on the feelings. I would try to seduce guys all the time. I would analyze why I liked them. For example, I liked one of the graduate students who was an artist. I liked that he was an artist since Kaze felt that he was not creative. He was creative with creating computer games but I felt that used more logic to make a good program than something as free flowing as a painting or using clay to make something. Although both painting and computer programming require quite a bit of know-how.
Our relationship was easy. I did my thing, he did his and sometimes there was sex. There weren't discussions or arguments. But things didn't feel right. I cared about him but eventually had to go do my own thing with my career, which started the guilt tripping. Actually, we had the same arguments/discussions/misunderstandings-- I didn't like that he went to his friend's house and didn't tell me about it, then he wouldn't get his keys back from her. I thought something had happened and he insisted that nothing happened. To me, it all sounded fishy. I cried all the time before I moved to CT. I just knew that we wouldn't have a relationship. We had a bit of a relationship, watching TV shows and talking over the internet. But in the end, I started dating someone else. That guy turned out to be a fucking crazy person. He's married for the second time. There's still tension between us when we are in the same room. Luckily, he moved away recently.
I think there were a few digs that Kaze used on me before and after our break up. First, the thing that really pissed me off was that he didn't expect me to get into grad school. He thought that I'd be rejected and that I would stay, maybe becoming a manager at the drug store where I worked at the time. I would have felt even more depressed and lonely/empty if I didn't get into grad school. Second, I had an abortion when I was 19. I always loved the decision. He seemed really into the decision too. It was only after we broke up that he said that we'd still be together if we had a kid. I said I wouldn't have completed college or moved away if we had a kid. UGH.
Then, I wasn't ready for a relationship and in my wake, I hurt a lot of good people. The thing that I get upset at myself for is that I dated below me a lot of the time. I felt that I just wanted to give people a chance. Those guys ended up being the worse for me and they were just idiots. I guess I needed to date these fucking low class people to prove to myself that I could do better. When I felt that I was doing better, I dated guys who told me that I was too good for them. This would inevitably cause me to cheat and prove that I had my faults too, especially with sex and matters of the heart/emotions.
I realized this week that the reason I hate New Haven so much is because that's where I mostly dated the guys below me. I still see them around and I worry that I'll go back to old patterns of tension and being unsure of what to do-- most of the guys complain either way-- if I talk or don't talk to them. This has made me feel responsible for how they feel and pay too close attention to my actions. I don't have to. I'm not fucking responsible for them. I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell this to myself when I saw James or Danny B.
I'm going to an event soon for a friend in New Haven. He's a beloved part of New Haven, as is seen by those coming for his benefit. So, now, I'll have to be around not only Danny B again but also around Travis. I know others will inevitably show up. Luckily, when I was there and was ditched by an exlover/friend, I met a guy who has been a good support and friend. He has said that he will protect me from the guys who might yell or cause issues for me otherwise. I truly believe a dream that I had will come true. It was about my exlover/friend Mark. In my dream, I saw Mark and I ignored him and went about my business without making eye contact or talking with him. True to life, he yelled at me for ignoring him. I said something like, "We're not friends," which caused an argument. The next time I encountered him in the same dream, he just yelled and yelled. He even stood up to yell at me in front of everyone, while I just walked away. This made him look really bad and I think that if this does happen in real life, it would be the exact same way. He will make a fool of himself, lose control, and realize that he needs to work on himself. His friends might even be a good gauge and tell him to start acting right. But it's ok if they don't.
It wasn't until Adam that I finally broke up with someone because it wasn't working out. I didn't leave him for someone else. I just left him.
After that, I tried harder to make it work out and I didn't break up with the guy, even though I cheated.
After I started dating Tibbets, I start cheated but I didn't cheat with anyone who I could continue the relationship with or fantasize about. For example, instead of cheating with someone in town who I could start a relationship with after I broke it off with Tibbets, I cheated with a friend who came to visit for one day. He lived in another state and we still keep in contact. We have a kind affection for each other. He likes his life in the other state and really can't move here. I wasn't going to move that far for anyone. There wasn't the possibility of a relationship. I think this has bothered some people but I'm glad for it. It was a small change. I finally stopped cheating after Jeremy came back from Venice. I felt I had a free pass in the first month to freak out and date other people-- who all ended up being crappy. I was so glad for Jeremy and that we could be together.
On that note, next month will make a year for me and Jeremy. :)
Venus
posted by PandoraAphroite at
3:12 PM
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