My sense of Community

I've started going to a Unitarian church. It's been amazing. I have rather enjoyed being in a place that encourages spiritual growth and conversation. It feels like that part of me that has kept my spirituality a secret has been released and I get to grow. It also reminds me there is a lot of pain connected to church and community that has yet to be talked about. There are many things that go through my mind when I think about church and community.
First, I was judged in the times when I needed someone to guide me. I thought that that was what Christians were about. I did learn some things about Jesus from them. But for the most part, I just thought that they were all about judgement. I felt lost, confused, and shunned.
Second, I have been to Catholic services and have been completely lost. People have learned these traditions and rituals since they were born. They understand the meaning. To me, it's like seeing a foreign culture and again, that feeling of loss and being shunned for not understanding what they are doing.
The other component of community has produced much anxiety for me. I pee my pants when I laugh. I have learned to gain very good control over my bladder muscle over the years and it does not happen very often but on rare occasion. When I was younger, I never thought that I'd have control. I laughed and peed all the time. It haunted me. I still remember times when I peed my pants in class and years went by when someone would bring it up again. I was embarrassed that people had seen this in me and would talk about it like it was so entertaining. I felt judged and shunned about every question about it. It was the first thing some people knew about me. It might be the only thing some people know about me. I switched elementary schools to get away from the torment. It happened again but I wasn't there long before I went to a junior high school where not many people knew me and at that point, not many people figured out that this had happened. On a side note, I also went to a junior high where it would not be known who my brother was. I was tried of being my brother's keeper and having people come to me to say, "Do you know what your brother did?" No and I don't care. What am I supposed to do? Tell my mom?
So, my sense of community from the beginning was that of being made fun of and shunned for those things that make me human. It seemed that every time I tried to establish a friendship or a group of friends, something would happen and inevitably, I would be judged and shunned again. I even had friends who were a part of a youth group, which was important to me. Eventually, the drama between who liked who and a painful breakup at the age of 12 with a 14 or 15 year old member (Evan) of the group caused me to flee from it. Only one member had been kind enough to reach out and that was Heather, who I've written about before-- the one who dated my brother and hung out with Kirk. I'm sure at one point Heather did care. But it was later that her actions hurt me. She even dated Evan. I know it's cliche but with friends like that who needs enemies. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can maintain friendships. I'm always worried about judgement and gossip in regard to people disconnecting from the friendship. I know people gossip or talk and they can say good and bad things and I'm fine with that as long as they accept that it's a part of me being human.
It has been easy for me to disconnect from communities. It was emotionally tough to move to San Diego for my undergraduate degree and yet, I did. And I did it without much support from friends, who I thought would have been there for me. It was even more scary and difficult to move out to Connecticut for my masters but I did it. I have felt embarrassed in getting close to people in New Haven and worry about them bad mouthing me. I know that this is irrational because some of the people who are talking aren't the best people anyway and I don't mind not being their friends.
One of the things I do like about Connecticut is that people do have a sense of psychology and loyalty. I talk constantly about how I'm still not friends with people from high school because I cheated on the crappy boyfriend I had in high school. People are easy to dismiss others when they know they have a large population to choose other and better friends. In Connecticut, it's small. For example, I recently met someone who went to school with one of my ex boyfriends. I know each person in a different context and it seems interesting that there are so many connections. I have plenty of stories of people who I know hanging out with other people I know, not realizing that I know both. The stereotype is that people in Connecticut are cold. Yes, they are cold on approach. But they easily warm up and will be your loyal friend. They see your faults and understand that it's part of being human. When you mess up, they say, "You f*ed up, let's go get a beer." They understand the value of loyalty in friendship. And face it, there's not a million people to choose from so, when they have friends, they make sure to keep those friends. This loyalty has produced a lot of anxiety because I am still working under the impression that if I mess up, if I act human, that no one will be my friend. I have anxiety that I'm really not worth their friendship. Yet, I do have the understanding that their loyalty runs deep and it's good.
I feel that the people I have remained friends with from my hometown have been the people who understand my need for perfection and that I am also human. I worry of their judgement and yet, I know that they are friends. They've been friends this long anyway.
People wonder why I don't want to go back to California. I just don't. I have some good connections out there and I could possibly make it. Yet, I think it'll be better for me to stay out here. I think my roots are here. This is where I belong. There are certainly people and places in California that I miss. But the whole culture out there has nothing on the people and culture out here.

Thanks, I needed to write that out and feel that it has been received and understood by those who are around me.