Incidences of "Not Rape"

I like this one essay about "not rape" (seen here: http://www.racialicious.com/2008/12/21/original-essay-the-not-rape-epidemic/ ). I'm going to write about some of my experiences with rape and not rape. These are the things that I just want to get out as a catharsis.

One of the times I really remember a not rape moment was when I dated an older guy when I was 16. His name was Vincent. One day, he was driving me home. He stopped down the street from where I lived. Now, I could have gotten out of the car and walked but I didn't. He told me that he wanted me to give him a hand job and he's drive me home based on how good I was. He drove on. I felt uncomfortable because there were apartments around and some of those apartments face the street. Those people could see in. Also, wtf? He eventually go me there, but it was uncomfortable.

I had a long term relationship with a man. I even lived with him for a few years. One night, we drank. He drank often and it didn't seem to effect him. For me, it effected me a lot. We went upstairs to our bedroom. I was tipsy. I was slightly horny. He pulled my legs apart and we had sex. The only thing that I said to him was that I regretted that it happened or maybe even that I wished it didn't happen. I wasn't fully conscious or in control at the time. I don't remember if I was seeing a therapist at the time, but I probably didn't mention it to her. I didn't want it to be a big deal. For my body, though, it was a big deal. It may be that I don't drink as heavily or loosen up as much as maybe I should.

I liked a guy, James. He had been drunk one night and he spent the night at my place. He was very gentle and nice. He spent the night on the inflatable mattress. We had hung out a few more times. One of the times we had hung out, we started kissing and eventually had sex. I had asked him to stop, to go down on me. He said it was OK. While I did want it to happen, I didn't. I wanted to sit down, talk. I wanted to talk about my health concern, about what it would mean. I felt badly. I even did some artwork and went into a funk. I didn't want to think that James would be that way. We eventually were friends again. He recently passed away from causes unknown. I'm glad we were friendly before he died. I wish I wasn't angry with him (and sometimes I am). And sometimes I get really emotional about it.

There are many guys who have crushes on me. Sometimes they seem overly persistent that we will be together. One of the guys is a photographer and I had him take some photos of me. We were going to do some semi-nude photos. I decided against it because he continued to look at my breasts and push the limits of our friendship. I just wasn't comfortable in being without clothes in front of him.
I just get so annoyed when I encounter someone who has liked me and doesn't get the hint that I don't want to be with that person. I get tired of answering questions of why I don't want to date the person. I get annoyed when they try to touch me, hug me, kiss me, etc. I feel that somehow I brought it onto myself.

There were two guys who would guilt trip me when I didn't have sex with them. One guy, Matt, was 21 when I was 16 and we were in a relationship. He liked that I was young and skinny. I was like a trophy to him. He was overweight. When I would say I didn't want to have sex with him, he would get all sulky. I hated it. I felt badly. I felt that I needed to have sex with him when he was in the mood.
Another guy who I dated recently, D., would go into these huffs if I wasn't in the mood. Eventually, I would leave. Then later, I would apologize. I wanted to have a relationship. He wanted to only have sex. He pointed out my routine of texting him the next morning. There was even a time when I had a migraine and couldn't leave. He was upset at me.
Things got better when we decided to only have a booty call relationship because I knew when I was horny or he was horny that we would text each other. Even with that, when he decided to end this relationship, he just stopped answering text. That made me feel like shit. When I've encountered him since then, drama has always ensued. I know many people who know him and think highly of him. He's an artist. In my mind, I always scream "Fucking crack addict." My friend warned that D.'s probably not a crack addict, but addicted to LSD. I don't fucking care. His roommate did coke. I wouldn't think twice if I found out he was doing heroin, crack, coke, or LSD, whatever. Of course, my friends in CT tend to be on good terms with each other, even when some are complete fuck-ups. They just kind of manage. I wish I could be more like that instead of irritable. I feel that I have my reasons, though.
Off subject here, (just venting) there's another guy, J. and knows a great amount of my friends. He went up to D. one time to let him know I was clingy, which freaked D. out. I didn't think it was true at the time. When I see J., I can't tell him that I know this and think he's a complete and utter asshole for it. I don't like J. for what he did. I was nice to him many times. I was friends with him on FB for a time. Then, I decided he's not someone who I want to talk to or consider a friend. I took him off my list. Then, he decided to talk to me. We seemed OK at the time. In October, I was on a date and the guy that I was with insulted J. as we walked away from a business. I emailed J., not wanting his feelings to be hurt or to cause drama. He said things were OK. But things were OK because I sent that email. After that, I decided I don't want to give a shit about J.'s fucking emotions. And truthfully, I don't fucking have to. So, when I see him, I might say hi; I might not. Usually, I don't. I just live in uncomfortable silence between us and I try to have fun.

Anyway, since I'm getting off subject here, I'm going to get going. Thanks for reading my vents.