But I said no and he couldn't handle it.
I've been continuing on reading The Sexual Healing Journey for the second time. There was a part when it gives a sort-of questionnaire about what you were like, where you were and what your offender was like during the abuse. I wrote about the rape by Kirk when I was 13. It was interesting. For as long as I can remember, I've blamed myself for 90% of what happened. I really couldn't see him as at fault. My excuses were that how could he have known that I wasn't interested in sex at the time, I said, "I bet you don't have condoms" as a way to find any excuse not to have sex with Kirk. Other times, I'd think, "Well, I said no but I went along with it so it must have been all my fault." I would make excuses for him too-- oh, he was just another teen, he must have been picked on or molested when he was younger and he was trying to overcompensate. But looking at the play by play, the facts, how I felt about myself, how I felt about him, I finally saw it. He was 90% responsible for raping me. There were times where I felt like if he had just grabbed me and forced me into his van, I would have felt it was more like a rape. There were other times when people didn't believe what had happened to me that I had really wanted Kirk to just kill me after I was raped so that people would have believed me. They may have even saw me as an innocent girl with a bright future; instead I felt like I was a dirty slut without a chance to become anything. And people made it clear that they believed that I was a slut. Some "friends" even chose to hang out with him. My own brother didn't believe me because my brother was accused of raping a girl but she never went to the police, just passed it around school.
Doing this exercise from the book also revealed so many of the patterns that I have with my relationships. It's like figuring out a puzzle. I've seen the answer and you know, I don't like what I see. I don't want to continue these patterns anymore. It has affected who I have chosen to date, how I act in a relationship, and where I've had sex. I've chosen to date older guys and have done almost anything to keep them dating me. I also noticed that as a teen I had sex in my boyfriends' cars more often then I had sex in my own car. I didn't know Kirk well. I had met him once, a year before he raped me. I've also had sex with many people who I've barely known. I've allowed myself to be pushed into sexual situations. Later, the book goes into detail about feeling like I had the no right to say no to sex and how many survivors don't feel they have the option to say no. I know I've been in situations where I felt like if I did say no to sex, a guy might just get up and walk out on me and I'd never see him again. So, I would always say yes to sex. It didn't help that I had boyfriends who would put me on a guilt trip if I said no. This particular boyfriend was overweight and felt that if a girl said no it must be for some reason other than not being interested in sex at the time.
A short time after I was raped, I called a friend to have sex because I knew he wanted to have sex before he started high school. This friend was maybe a year older than me. As we got naked and got closer to having sex, I became anxious and was basically, in the corner talking about everything other than sex. I remember that he decided to not have sex with me. And when I think of that and the difference between how Kirk acted and how this friend acted, I'm just amazed. I think my friend was so much more of a man and a friend to say "Let's wait for another time." I mean I didn't have to say no in that situation. He saw the way I was acting and said to himself, "This isn't right." I have so much respect for that. I have to admit that for years, I felt guilty about that incident. Now I can see that there was no reason to feel guilty. My friend said no out of love for me.
One of the questions asked in this exercise was "What did you need from your offender? (i.e. affection, love, understanding, etc)." I feel that this really addressed some things for me. I wanted a lot from Kirk. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to respect me. I wanted him to be my boyfriend and only have eyes for me. I wanted acceptance. What I feel my rape took away from me was that I didn't get to have healthy curiosity about sex. I know there were guys who I dated who let me just explore things like what does a penis look like when a guy is peeing compared to when he's ready to have sex or what are some interesting ways to get a guy hard without touching his penis but I feel like I didn't have the chance to really figure it out at an age appropriate age. The best example that I can think of is a friend of mine. We were all a part of the same group of friends as teens. She liked one guy and she rested her head on his lap one day. She was surprised to feel his penis against the back of her head. It was so cute and innocent.
I think one of the things that upset me about people not believe Kirk raped me was that people would say, "Oh, he could have had sex with anyone." It makes me think of all sorts of things but what I want to scream is, "But I said no and obviously he couldn't handle it!" This gets me onto an entirely different rant about society and myths about rape. But when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter how much ass he could have had. He was a manipulative prick and a rapist. And that's where I notice I'm still angry. So, that's my next thing to work through in my journal.
Till next time.
Venus
Doing this exercise from the book also revealed so many of the patterns that I have with my relationships. It's like figuring out a puzzle. I've seen the answer and you know, I don't like what I see. I don't want to continue these patterns anymore. It has affected who I have chosen to date, how I act in a relationship, and where I've had sex. I've chosen to date older guys and have done almost anything to keep them dating me. I also noticed that as a teen I had sex in my boyfriends' cars more often then I had sex in my own car. I didn't know Kirk well. I had met him once, a year before he raped me. I've also had sex with many people who I've barely known. I've allowed myself to be pushed into sexual situations. Later, the book goes into detail about feeling like I had the no right to say no to sex and how many survivors don't feel they have the option to say no. I know I've been in situations where I felt like if I did say no to sex, a guy might just get up and walk out on me and I'd never see him again. So, I would always say yes to sex. It didn't help that I had boyfriends who would put me on a guilt trip if I said no. This particular boyfriend was overweight and felt that if a girl said no it must be for some reason other than not being interested in sex at the time.
A short time after I was raped, I called a friend to have sex because I knew he wanted to have sex before he started high school. This friend was maybe a year older than me. As we got naked and got closer to having sex, I became anxious and was basically, in the corner talking about everything other than sex. I remember that he decided to not have sex with me. And when I think of that and the difference between how Kirk acted and how this friend acted, I'm just amazed. I think my friend was so much more of a man and a friend to say "Let's wait for another time." I mean I didn't have to say no in that situation. He saw the way I was acting and said to himself, "This isn't right." I have so much respect for that. I have to admit that for years, I felt guilty about that incident. Now I can see that there was no reason to feel guilty. My friend said no out of love for me.
One of the questions asked in this exercise was "What did you need from your offender? (i.e. affection, love, understanding, etc)." I feel that this really addressed some things for me. I wanted a lot from Kirk. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to respect me. I wanted him to be my boyfriend and only have eyes for me. I wanted acceptance. What I feel my rape took away from me was that I didn't get to have healthy curiosity about sex. I know there were guys who I dated who let me just explore things like what does a penis look like when a guy is peeing compared to when he's ready to have sex or what are some interesting ways to get a guy hard without touching his penis but I feel like I didn't have the chance to really figure it out at an age appropriate age. The best example that I can think of is a friend of mine. We were all a part of the same group of friends as teens. She liked one guy and she rested her head on his lap one day. She was surprised to feel his penis against the back of her head. It was so cute and innocent.
I think one of the things that upset me about people not believe Kirk raped me was that people would say, "Oh, he could have had sex with anyone." It makes me think of all sorts of things but what I want to scream is, "But I said no and obviously he couldn't handle it!" This gets me onto an entirely different rant about society and myths about rape. But when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter how much ass he could have had. He was a manipulative prick and a rapist. And that's where I notice I'm still angry. So, that's my next thing to work through in my journal.
Till next time.
Venus
posted by PandoraAphroite at
10:55 AM
2 Comments:
Sounds like you're uncovering a lot of the myths surrounding rape in general and especially around your own. Something that a lot of people don't understand is how it's rarely clear to the victim where the fault lies, and why it happened etc. I think it's also very common that young women take the blame onto themselves when they are in a situation where they are afraid of losing/hurting someone, or just afraid. I have done that many times to try and stop a bad situation, and it rarely turned out well in the end. Ultimately I had to learn that it's not always my fault and learn to take the time to decode the situation to see what I did wrong, and what the other party did wrong. Of course, in this case, you were 13. You didn't know any better, and it's certainly not your fault! I'm curious about that other 10%.
I still think I had some part of it. Now that I think of it, it's probably like 99% Kirk's doing. There's a part of me that wants to believe I could have done something and that some how I brought this onto myself.
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