Ugh, Guy and Health Issue

I got a call the other day from a guy who I went out on a date with a few years ago. I don't know why guys think that they can do this and I'll remember them, the details of our dating and why I didn't continue to date the guy. This guy was named Art. During our date, I felt uncomfortable and not safe with him. He also took off his pants to get comfortable-- yeah, right. The only thing he brought over was margarita mix and seemed to want me to get more drunk than just tipsy on the first date. I heard from him about two weeks later and he wanted sex. He said something like, "I've been thinking about you every day." Really? Then why did it take you two weeks to tell me that I'm on your mind all the time?
So, we talk on the phone the other day. He seemed just as perverted as ever. For some reason, he thought that at the time we dated, I wanted sex with no strings attached or casual sex without a committed relationship (which in my mind is two different things but maybe that's where the miscommunication was). He remembered I wasn't having sex at the time. But he insisted we only did what I was comfortable with-- really, then why was I so fucking uncomfortable? I didn't ask him to take off his pants or lay on top of me. I made up that I was having an outbreak so he'd leave. He said that if he was really a rapist, he would have been more aggressive. Really, that wasn't aggressive enough? I had an action plan of banging on the wall to get my neighbor's attention to get this guy off of me and out of my apartment.
So, his big reason for taking off his pants? I had my shirt off. Oh, so, that means I must want sex when I've said I don't want sex. Really?
After this date, I didn't date for a while. I didn't want to have anyone over. I was really scared. I was scared that he'd come back, stalk me, even. I blamed myself-- how could I be so stupid? I didn't feel comfortable and I shouldn't have had him over. When he blamed me, for having my shirt off, I felt like I was slightly to blame but he had a weird story in his head. And he continues to have this story-- enough to call me and ask me out on a date thinking that I'm still into this whole "sex with no string attached." I've never done that. There are always strings attached. I have enjoyed long term booty calls with no committed relationships. Mostly, it wasn't an official relationship-- even though it was a relationship of some sort. I also felt mostly respected in those type of relationships. Art didn't respect me. He also has some weird thing about having a woman who has money and can take care of herself because he doesn't want to take care of her. This makes me really happy to be with my boyfriend-- who respects me and will give me the shirt off his back if I needed it.

After all this, I got the test results back from my annual exam. I have to get another test to see what the abnormal cells are. I'm scared. I blacked out during sex one time and I had sex with a guy who then wanted a relationship. He had had sex with an older woman who I knew. She was very open about having her cervix removed from cancer. He didn't believe that she had cervical cancer when I told him.
I talked to him last night and he blamed me. He said that he couldn't get tested to see if he had HPV and that I couldn't have known if it was from him. I can't believe he said that. Then he accused me of trying to find a reason to hate him. If I hated him, I wouldn't have said anything. I would have just gone on and maybe sent him some message in a few months about making sure he uses protection because of the incident.
I had a friend come over last night to make sure I was OK. We talked about my worries-- for the future of me, of Jeremy, of children, of possibly having cancer, and on and on.
I know eventually I'll be OK. I just have to freak out a bit before I calm down.
Thanks for listening.

Not Safe

I haven't written in a while. I was closed to a man and he joined my facebook page which included the links to this page. He read through a lot of it and in the end, he wanted to find out more about what I was thinking in regard to our sexual life. I felt violated again and did not want to write for a while. Now, this man and I are barely speaking. He is friends with some of my friends and our interactions continue to be doused in confusion. He appears so angry. It's like he did a flip. I almost think that he sees the world as black or white. He was helpful and supportive for a time and then suddenly, he was making these odd accusations about this help and support. It took a lot of convincing to my conscious self to know that what he said is just simply not true.
Our sexual encounters were confusing and upsetting. He said many things that he later contradicted. While he wanted a relationship and realized that I did not want a relationship, he said that he wanted to have a physical relationship. I was cautious but I wanted to believe that he knew himself well enough that he would not just say this in hopes of a relationship. We were physically intimate on a few occasions. My body was uncomfortable. A part of me wanted to make him happy but the bigger part of me just wanted a good friendship. I would finish and just push him away. I didn't want to have more connections with him. I felt badly. I talked to friends. They reaffirmed that he just wanted it; he was OK with being treated this way. I felt that I was just getting back into those people pleasing behaviors. I did not like this feeling at all. I wanted to stop and to have some time away. Soon, I felt that any free time was commandeered by him. I felt a weird addiction to him. I hated it.
I think the last time we spoke, it was clear that he did not like that I was asserting myself again. I decided not to have him go out of his way to pick me up and drop me off. I met him out to have dinner. I enjoyed not having an extended time together. I liked doing what I wanted as I drove away to my apartment. I liked being able to process the night, without his company.
I'm feeling defensive about this blog. I want to start explaining how we did have great times together. I want to explain that he has a different perspective and that this is probably not what he thinks of the situation at all. Yet, that could be my nervousness, my people pleasing behaviors, and my want to get rid of these feelings and not hurt anyone's feelings. However, I needed to get this out. Luckily, I feel my readers understand this.

Thank you for taking your time to read this short rant.

Incidences of "Not Rape"

I like this one essay about "not rape" (seen here: http://www.racialicious.com/2008/12/21/original-essay-the-not-rape-epidemic/ ). I'm going to write about some of my experiences with rape and not rape. These are the things that I just want to get out as a catharsis.

One of the times I really remember a not rape moment was when I dated an older guy when I was 16. His name was Vincent. One day, he was driving me home. He stopped down the street from where I lived. Now, I could have gotten out of the car and walked but I didn't. He told me that he wanted me to give him a hand job and he's drive me home based on how good I was. He drove on. I felt uncomfortable because there were apartments around and some of those apartments face the street. Those people could see in. Also, wtf? He eventually go me there, but it was uncomfortable.

I had a long term relationship with a man. I even lived with him for a few years. One night, we drank. He drank often and it didn't seem to effect him. For me, it effected me a lot. We went upstairs to our bedroom. I was tipsy. I was slightly horny. He pulled my legs apart and we had sex. The only thing that I said to him was that I regretted that it happened or maybe even that I wished it didn't happen. I wasn't fully conscious or in control at the time. I don't remember if I was seeing a therapist at the time, but I probably didn't mention it to her. I didn't want it to be a big deal. For my body, though, it was a big deal. It may be that I don't drink as heavily or loosen up as much as maybe I should.

I liked a guy, James. He had been drunk one night and he spent the night at my place. He was very gentle and nice. He spent the night on the inflatable mattress. We had hung out a few more times. One of the times we had hung out, we started kissing and eventually had sex. I had asked him to stop, to go down on me. He said it was OK. While I did want it to happen, I didn't. I wanted to sit down, talk. I wanted to talk about my health concern, about what it would mean. I felt badly. I even did some artwork and went into a funk. I didn't want to think that James would be that way. We eventually were friends again. He recently passed away from causes unknown. I'm glad we were friendly before he died. I wish I wasn't angry with him (and sometimes I am). And sometimes I get really emotional about it.

There are many guys who have crushes on me. Sometimes they seem overly persistent that we will be together. One of the guys is a photographer and I had him take some photos of me. We were going to do some semi-nude photos. I decided against it because he continued to look at my breasts and push the limits of our friendship. I just wasn't comfortable in being without clothes in front of him.
I just get so annoyed when I encounter someone who has liked me and doesn't get the hint that I don't want to be with that person. I get tired of answering questions of why I don't want to date the person. I get annoyed when they try to touch me, hug me, kiss me, etc. I feel that somehow I brought it onto myself.

There were two guys who would guilt trip me when I didn't have sex with them. One guy, Matt, was 21 when I was 16 and we were in a relationship. He liked that I was young and skinny. I was like a trophy to him. He was overweight. When I would say I didn't want to have sex with him, he would get all sulky. I hated it. I felt badly. I felt that I needed to have sex with him when he was in the mood.
Another guy who I dated recently, D., would go into these huffs if I wasn't in the mood. Eventually, I would leave. Then later, I would apologize. I wanted to have a relationship. He wanted to only have sex. He pointed out my routine of texting him the next morning. There was even a time when I had a migraine and couldn't leave. He was upset at me.
Things got better when we decided to only have a booty call relationship because I knew when I was horny or he was horny that we would text each other. Even with that, when he decided to end this relationship, he just stopped answering text. That made me feel like shit. When I've encountered him since then, drama has always ensued. I know many people who know him and think highly of him. He's an artist. In my mind, I always scream "Fucking crack addict." My friend warned that D.'s probably not a crack addict, but addicted to LSD. I don't fucking care. His roommate did coke. I wouldn't think twice if I found out he was doing heroin, crack, coke, or LSD, whatever. Of course, my friends in CT tend to be on good terms with each other, even when some are complete fuck-ups. They just kind of manage. I wish I could be more like that instead of irritable. I feel that I have my reasons, though.
Off subject here, (just venting) there's another guy, J. and knows a great amount of my friends. He went up to D. one time to let him know I was clingy, which freaked D. out. I didn't think it was true at the time. When I see J., I can't tell him that I know this and think he's a complete and utter asshole for it. I don't like J. for what he did. I was nice to him many times. I was friends with him on FB for a time. Then, I decided he's not someone who I want to talk to or consider a friend. I took him off my list. Then, he decided to talk to me. We seemed OK at the time. In October, I was on a date and the guy that I was with insulted J. as we walked away from a business. I emailed J., not wanting his feelings to be hurt or to cause drama. He said things were OK. But things were OK because I sent that email. After that, I decided I don't want to give a shit about J.'s fucking emotions. And truthfully, I don't fucking have to. So, when I see him, I might say hi; I might not. Usually, I don't. I just live in uncomfortable silence between us and I try to have fun.

Anyway, since I'm getting off subject here, I'm going to get going. Thanks for reading my vents.