The Accusations

Today, I was thinking of my half brother always making accusations about me and then trying to justify them. He would tell my parents I was doing whip-its. I had no idea what they were. I had a party at my dad's house and we were giggling about whatever things or stupid things. He also accused me of having sex with one of my friends when I was 12. We went out trick or treating and we got tired so we went to a family friend's house but they weren't there so, we used the phone to call my mom, had a glass of juice and left. We ran into the friend's mom in the hallway as we were leaving. I guess since we used the phone in the bedroom and the sheets were messed up, which I didn't notice, my half brother accused me of having sex with my friend.
But you know, my mom was the same way. I would come home from my boyfriend's house at age 16 or 17 and take a shower and get to homework. She accused me of smoking pot-- and that's why I needed to take a shower once I got home. I wasn't going to take a shower at my boyfriend's house and I was not good about hygiene then. I'm surprised no one told me straight out that I didn't smell fresh. It didn't matter to me if I wore clothes that were under the dirty clothes pile in front of my bed-- not in a hamper-- and which I hadn't seen in a month or so. Yeah, that's pretty gross. And even with all the discharge I had at the time, I still wore underwear for longer than a day. I was depressed and didn't care. I would probably be offended if anyone took notice and said something. The fact is, my friends were the same way.
As long as my grades were good, I was left alone. I guess people were worried that I'd end up being the bad kid. It was not my intention to become my dad or my brothers.
I remember one time my mom was really surprised and shocked that my brother had a B in a class. She never responded that way to me. I think I unconsciously bombed a test after that and at parents' night, the algebra teacher told my mom that I was failing-- in front of everyone. I guess she thought it made her look badly. I pulled up my grade but my mom got mad at me first.  If there's anything my mom doesn't like, it's other people knowing our business if it's bad. For example, "What would the neighbors think?" was the response to me calling the police on my ex boyfriend who screamed in my face and wasn't going to leave my apartment. I was putting on my running shoes to run out of the house when they arrived-- since he had convinced me to hang up on the police, saying he would leave. Oh, he didn't.
My dad and brother had revolving friends-- friends that were around sometimes and other times they were pissed off at. My mom didn't have any close friends. She had maybe two that I can remember. Maybe three. She did join a mom's group and had a clay class with a schoolmate's dad but that was it. But I think she got tired of the mom's group because they had boys and they wanted to drink.
I wonder when my mom stopped worrying about me. She did worry I'd become a lesbian. She discouraged it. She also discouraged going out all the time. I went out for a two week span right before I moved away-- and she was just upset at me. I thought that everyone else was going out and having fun. Why couldn't I decide to go out for a two week period? During that same time, I was really fucking around. It was a game-- who was available and who would I fuck that night. I remember one of the guys catching on. He wasn't someone who wanted to fuck anymore.
And now that I've just written about the two week span-- there is a time every few months when I go out "all the time." I go to bars and I hang out with people. I just feel like it. Then, I stop for a few months, mostly because of money issues. Lately, it's because I think I have a low lying depression. I had something really great happen to me and I don't want to tell anyone. I just want to hide under the covers, and tell everyone I celebrated enough and in my own way and let them go on their own way. I've chosen who to tell and who I would delay telling-- i.e. roommate and dad. I feel even sadder that there's this wall-- I can't even be happy for something I've worked so hard for.
And now that things are going really well and I've been really enjoying myself, it feels weird to have nothing to really talk about. My friend wanted to focus on what my boyfriend does and if we have a future together. She even wanted to talk about having kids. Um... God, you're such a stereotypical navy wife. She doesn't work anymore so, it makes sense that she would talk about her husband and the relocation. It seems like she's given up her life to be so devoted to him-- but it's not like I didn't know there was codependency there. As soon as her husband is bored at home, he's texting her like crazy, when she would be out with me. Are you kidding me? You're an adult, find something to do. Your wife doesn't have to be home to entertain you or make you feel safe.
On the other hand, dad only wants to focus on this one aspect of my business. Business is going really well. I'm making bank some times. And with this next phase happening, I get to keep more of the bank I'm making. But I can see in the way my supervisor is acting that he's really feeling the loss. But seriously, he's the one that's contradicting-- he wants me to know my worth but he wants me to take clients who aren't going to pay me that much; he asks me to do things that no one else is even asked to do like bring things down to the basement or to his car. I still feel like a servant sometimes-- more than I feel like someone who confidently has her own business. I want to feel a little bit more princess-like but not destructively like some of the other people who I work with. There was a delay in me getting my professional license because someone who supervised me wasn't feeling well, even though she was attending sessions with her clients-- she was making excuses not to write an email confirming the hours that she supervised me. The email is two fucking seconds. If you can go to see your clients, you can write a fucking email. And when I brought this up to my other supervisor, he told me to be grateful for her. I almost tore his head off about how I could be upset at her for this situation and be grateful for the supervision she provided-- even though she was insistent that I become like her, use her handouts, her tests, her ways, and then sometimes, she'd meet with me for 30 minutes and call it an hour. Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn't stay with a therapist like that either.
The supervisor is now wanting to do a holistic center separate from the psychological practice. In the mean time, two therapists are leaving. He dared to even say that my type of therapy had no research behind it. Are you kidding me? I wanted to just send him all this research that has been done. So, he wants me to be in the holistic part. That's fine-- but seriously, don't degrade what I do. And it has me really worried that these people are leaving. I'm celebrating my 3 years there, one of them just celebrated her 5 years there-- and suddenly, she's leaving. WTF? I am still working toward the nonprofit-- despite this same supervisor wanting to get his hands in it too. He wants to have his take of the grant money-- no, fuck you.
Aside from my thoughts not being so great, things are going really well. JZ is doing a mini-tour with the band. I'm looking forward to renting an apartment closer to work but first, paying off bills. And business is going well. I have really good friends who are not little needy people. And I've been enjoying some time to myself every day. I even lost 5 lbs. I've been to NYC a few times. Life is good.

Oh What

I'm watching all these depressing movies the last few days. All I really want to do is to stop watching TV for Lent-- and that's all I can focus on having in the background.
I wonder if I'm depressed and that's why I'm suddenly attracted to these movies. I am planning some cool stuff but I don't want to do things this week.
I realized my supervisor is one of those people who will always take credit for my success-- and damn if I'm not grateful that he even gives me the opportunity to work. I'm so done with all the negativity.
I worry about having a long term relationship. When I was with Kaze, I was strong. I liked other guys. I was worried about that but I remember that someone told me that it was OK to like other people. I just felt that it was best for me to act on it and it was really tough not to. Once I could accept it, I was better. I didn't cheat on him sexually till the end. Now, in the mean time, I kissed two boys and hated it but as far as I'm considered, for 5 years, that's not bad.
At the time, I had a crazy ex. I could push him away. Joe isn't crazy. He just isn't ready for a relationship and I'm ambivalent about one with him. Then, there's this sweet guy, JZ, whose in it for us. And I just can't guarantee that if Joe showed up at my place or I saw him while I was out that I would be strong enough.
Oh, you know, it's almost my period. This is just my brain playing tricks on me. Sometimes I do feel like JZ is so great and that I have to push through my stuff. I sometimes wonder what I will tell his friends about us-- since they knew that it wasn't official for a long time. I had stuff that I wanted to get through. I wish I didn't have to maintain sobriety from sex addiction every day. I wish there was a time, like there has been, when it hasn't been on my mind. The last two days, I just keep thinking of sex and weakness and all this crap.
A wedding magazine was sent to the house. I found it weird. It was the correct address, just not anyone who lives in the house. Maybe someone sent it as a gift. I'm not sure. But it makes me think that men are really not that involved in weddings-- and how flowery they can be. But you know, they don't have to be. I realized a few weeks ago I like the ideas of weddings, not marriage. I'm afraid of marriage-- mostly because I don't think it'll happen for me. And even if it does, I feel so badly that I can't guarantee my faithfulness. I wish I could.
I asked God for strength today because it seems like I just was not grounded. I wonder if it's because I was around W this past weekend. At the same time, W and I are doing well but he still says things and does things that I think are manipulative. And at the end of the trip, he said he was happy to be home. Weird. I guess he doesn't feel that way often. He claims that he hasn't judged me for always going down to see JZ but I feel that he does. I get the sense that W is thinking, "Why are you going down there all the time? If he cared about you, he would come up." JZ does care about me and I'm tired of getting defensive about this. W also didn't know that people wanted him out of my life but I slipped a few times and said that people did. He asked who-- are you fucking kidding me, asking me who. It doesn't fucking matter who wanted you out of my life! I also said that JZ came up for NYE-- something that W had been overzealously trying to plan for me-- including taking me to Vegas to meet his friend, taking me to CA, coming here to take me to the casino. I wanted a low key thing at my friend's house in Boston, WITHOUT W. He was so hurt. I thought that he was still going to Vegas-- and that's not my fucking scene. I just made him believe that all I wanted to do was be alone. It might have even caused a migraine that night as I wanted to go but felt guilty and I'm so tired of feeling guilty. I felt like I couldn't say no without pissing him off. And you know, that's not a fucking friendship. But we're in a better place now but I have to constantly put up boundaries. I have to make decisions that are for me. And I'm really looking forward to not seeing him. We're fine as friends at a distance.
It's been a month. I want my ex.
And then I feel single sometimes. I want to look up other exes online to talk to them. I thought about Erik L. He's up in Vermont but he was one of the nicest guys. He tried to protect me from his own crap and I felt I did something wrong, even though I didn't. I just wanted to be with him. I wish we could talk. I wish we could have talked more before he moved. I think I found him on Facebook before and he's with someone. I just want to talk. I don't even know what's driving this. It's like I still want to know that there are other options and that I can go to those other options.
The guy that I was so infatuated with last year--- my psychic friend told me that he was my soul mate. OK. Well, my soul mate isn't ready for me. He's not mature enough for me. And honestly, I don't see it working out. He was already freaking out on me over nothing. I couldn't redeem myself. But I wonder, what would he do if he knew I didn't have sex for 2 months in waiting for him? What would happen if I could have seen him as a person instead of an intelligent guy who was good in bed-- oh yes, and he kindly took me on a date? I actually didn't want the date. I just wanted him, in bed, only. And you know that's not really fair. But I still wonder who he's dating and who he's fucking and if we could fuck again.
Nick is getting married. He was also a great guy. I seriously dated him in a time when I wasn't dating anyone seriously. But I hurt him and I wish I could redeem myself, let him know that I've changed that he's a good person even though I cheated on him-- I was the messed up person, not him. But there's no chance of that now. He has a really strong and great relationship and it only comes after years of dating that he's getting married, which seems like the thing to do for the situation-- it only comes naturally.
I wonder with life being so short if it's worth being in a long term relationship. My mood changes. My life changes. I have big plans for my career. I'll probably travel a lot at some point. So, I wonder if marriage is realistic for me. I want a long term relationship but I also want to fuck around. But I've been fucking around, had lots of people in my vagina and it wasn't as great as I would have wanted. It was a confusing time-- of wanting and not wanting and not caring about others, which hurt those who grew to care for me. I want to be present in life, not worry so much about what is not in my life and who I'm not with.
UGH!

Forgot

I see the inequality more often. While I've focused on the difference in treatment of men mostly because I don't think enough feminists acknowledge it enough, nor fighting for it, I want to focus more on my experiences.
While talking to JZ one night, I realized that his rights especially in health care aren't decided for him. And today, I was thinking about how I was treated during a surgery. The surgeon accused me of not getting myself regularly checked out, even though my medical notes would reflect I did get myself checked every year, like I'm supposed to. How can someone tell me that? And he also seemed frustrated and had no bedside manner for something that was very personal and didn't feel good. I switched the pain to laughter, which bothered him more. It was only the nurse who was kind of nice about it.
I think about being followed after I went to the abortion clinic. You know, you wouldn't think that anti-abortionists could do that, no matter what I was doing there-- and they let me know by putting something on my windshield-- no one else's, telling me that this is what I did to my "child." WHAT? Those were known to be faked and wtf, you fucking followed me home? I thought we were beyond this. You completely have the right to protest, you don't have the right to harass people.

Even if abortion was made illegal, there would always be a need for it. I'd rather people have access to medically safe abortions. That's women's health. Why are men allowed to decide this? Why are upper class white men allowed to make these decisions for women of all sorts of classes and ethnicities? Are their wives and children not embarrassed for their decisions? Oi, it's just so bad.

And that's just my experience. I've heard horror stories of women's pain being ignored by doctors because a man couldn't validate it. When a man, such as a husband, validates it, then a doctor will believe it. Otherwise, it's basically a pat on the head and deal with it. I've heard about a woman who was being carted off for a c-section because the heart rate of the baby went down, which she knew was normal for the baby to do before they were born. Staff held her down, and since she was a surrogate, the to-be mom was brought in, all while this woman was giving birth. She was going to get a c-section to save 5 minutes. She was pissed.

I've been following the diet and it's finally gotten better. The rash is not that bad. I feel stronger. I'm enjoying it, finally.

Ali contacted me again. Even though he added me as a friend on FB and he knows I have a boyfriend, he was still trying to get me to sleep with him. I was embarrassed for him. And finally, I had to get mean-- telling him I wouldn't sleep with him. And he finally got it.

I've been up and down about being in a relationship. I'm still surprised that JZ stayed around. I was negative about relationships. The CDs in my car play break up songs. I don't expect people to have good relationships or long lasting relationships. JZ still stuck through. I was not ready for a relationship when he came along. I still worry that in 6 months or 2 years, I'm going to have a weak moment and go fuck someone. I wish I could have an open relationship for that reason but I honestly don't want anyone else. I see these guys, they flirt, and I just think, I'm not trying to flirt but you're fun to talk to, wish we could hang out-- but that all seems like friendly flirting instead of just being friendly.
I have been getting sad about Joe lately. His birthday is coming up. I just get so sad. He's not out of my life. He does have well intentions for me. He's been very respectful but I think of him from time to time-- how things would go differently in bed. And then I think how I would not have wanted to actually have him anymore.
Lucius has been supportive about JZ-- telling me to wait, let him get into the groove of getting to be an intuitive lover. Lucius has not been a supporter of any guy I've dated in the last 5 years. He was supportive of Tim, which I think was really stupid that I'd continue to contact Tim even though it was not a good relationship. I'm glad that Tim is getting married-- I helped him with his dating profile that got him the girl. Awesome. 
Lots of my exes are getting married- wish they'd stop but I'm happy for them.
Lucius also hasn't met many of my boyfriends or dating partners in the last 5 years. He went off to California and has been a dick ever since. It's only recently that he's been even tolerable to be around. For a while, he was picking apart the way I'd say things like walk, crayons, freeway, New Haven, etc. That was fucking annoying. If I didn't have W to make fun of stupid people with, I'd be very, very miserable. Lucius met Joe but he met Joe when we were at our wits end. Also, Joe was not treating me right the night Lucius met him. His friend drove us to New Haven, he and his friend talking the entire time about bands and movies, not really acknowledging me or talking with me. Then, they did it on the way back-- are you fucking kidding me? I thought Joe would hang out with me after the night ended, just to cuddle or hold hands. No, he did the same thing-- talked all the way back with his friend. The whole fucking time they talked, they went to the concert/show together, and I was basically invisible. Yeah, not the best time to meet Joe. In the beginning, things were different. And afterward, things were different. For example, at the end of the relationship, I sent him a naughty text. He was upset-- telling me that people see his phone, look over his shoulder, etc. And a couple of months ago, we sent some naughty texts while he was at work. And just the other day, he texted me a dirty story of talking about masturbation while he was working-- and this woman walked by and he was horrified. I still keep in mind that we were at our wits end when he was so angry.

Lucius didn't tell me any impressions he had of Joe or Jeremy after he met them. I even asked him about Jeremy specifically.

When I went to church after making it official with JZ, I received hands-on healing and the woman told me that the relationship that I'm in is compassionate and good. It'll last a while. No one knew that I had gotten into this relationship since I hadn't been at church since I had met JZ.
I didn't realize that two of the young people at church, who come together every other week, were in a relationship. I didn't know what they were together-- just that they come together and she's a nanny for another family. She's very nice. She's very grounded. He's all about having a for-profit psychic-type business-- he wants to do past life readings and teach people about how to do different types of not-so-well-researched hokey type of things. There's only so much I can put faith into before I'm like, "This doesn't work" or "This looks dubious." There are some things that I'm like-- no. I know some people who put teas together for healing. If tea has healing properties anyway, I'll go to the local coffee shop and get one. I know the tea that's put together has a bit more consideration into it but if it's all the same, then the cheaper ones I can get at the coffee shop will do just fine. I don't think he's being very realistic about this. And well, she seems very down to earth. I also don't like that he doesn't read my energy. He's had plenty of opportunities-- and he just doesn't. But that's the way with many people. I like psychic mediums and most of the people are mediums-- which doesn't help. Mediums will just tell you what you already know currently. And since I believe in spirits and can sense them, I usually know which ones are around me-- i.e. if my great grandmother or grandmother or a writing guide is around me, I know it. I can tap into that. I don't need someone telling me that the birds I see are a good sign or that I should take more walks. No. Tell me that I am making the right decisions-- but you know, I already know it. Tell me if I'm making a blatantly wrong decision for myself-- associating with the wrong people, etc. Tell me what could happen. I'll respect it. Or tell me to give someone time or space or understanding and I'll do it.
So, I don't particularly respect this guy-- oh, hey, there's no theme of that in my life. And I respect her. It's difficult for her sometimes since she's from Italy. I've only seen him show affection to her once.
I know I've written before-- I'm always on the outskirts of the group. But the reason I'm not a group therapist anymore is because I don't like groups, they're difficult to manage. Having a one-to-one friend helps me so much. There's less distraction. I get to finish sentences and have attention-- the way that the introvert part of me likes. With the people from church not really giving me readings or offering past life readings, I just think about how they don't consider me close. And I think that's a problem when working with mediums. They really shouldn't know you that well to give a good reading. When they know you well, they may be able to tap your energy better, just like I could tell by my friends' faces when they're not doing well or going through something-- but if they need to get to know you before they give you a good reading, then they're not good mediums. So, that's what I think and I probably have my energies up. I usually don't get read right away and even if I am, it's just about stupid stuff I'm working on-- and if I say anything, it's the same response, "Well, the spirits just want to know that they're around." You know what I like, that my therapist can read my energy, since she's a spiritualist too, and that she can tell me areas I can work on, she can tell me issues that might arise (i.e. depression grasping at me sometimes), and I appreciate it. When she told me that angels were trying to lift me up and that there were things that were holding me back, I knew it was Jeremy and within two weeks, we were done. And Jeremy and I are still good friends. We laugh every time we talk to each other-- it's why I stayed with him. We can make each other laugh like children-- like brother and sister do or should at least.

So, I'm not used to no PDA when couples are around. I like some PDA. JZ's friend pointed out that we held hands the entire time we were hanging out. I also did that because his friend can be a dick and was saying some things that I was trying to convey, "Please don't take this personally. This is not who you are." I worry about what I heard from his friend, though-- that JZ is flying off the handle. And that weekend, he mentioned the time we spend together. It was work, the band, and me. He doesn't get to spend too much time with friends-- he has me to worry about. He mentions money-- for a used car, for a new place, for fixing the van, -- and the times we spend together. I think I even mentioned, do you not want us to spend time together? And he was fine. But it got me worried-- and then he mentions all the time that he missed me and wished I didn't live so far away. I would compromise when I get a place too-- and move closer to where he lives but I really just want to be closer to the office. And it makes me feel weird because I constantly choose career over relationships. But I can take disappointment in career. I feel awful if something happens in a relationship. I wonder sometimes if relationship junk prevents me from being really good at what I do. What if it colors what I say and what I do?

Anyway, I can't believe I've written this much. I'll write later.

Better

I've stuck to my diet with the occasional leap into flour and brown rice. I bought brown rice chips on good faith; I'll see to bean chips (those require no dip because they taste so good).
I told Joe that I have a boyfriend and he took it really well. We've actually talked a few times since I told him. It's like he was waiting for us to be just friends again, even though we both struggle with it. He bought a living room set and drove on a heavily traffic-ed street near me and he said he still felt the same way getting close to my house. It'll be a while but so far, so good, which is surprising. He even answers me texts more often now. Kind of makes me wonder about things.
After the psoas massage, I've noticed more thoughts turning to Kaze and how I'm so glad we're not together. We haven't been together for about 7 years now. It's the same thing--we could be miserably married, my career would be considered a joke because he would be the bread winner, I wouldn't have my finances together, I would have cared about him but not had a connection, I never felt that I was in love.
I think about all the stupid shit I've done in the last 7 years too. I didn't take grad school seriously. I acted spoiled most of the time and depressed the other times. It probably contributed to a lot of struggles.
I spoke to R about how Rob touched me a year ago on NYE. She made excuses for him. Seriously, I don't care if he does it to you since you're close to him anyway but I'm upset because he's married. If he were single, I wouldn't take offense. He's nice looking, not going to lie. But it's uncomfortable. And I'm still uncomfortable.
It also brings up all sort of issues with touch. My mom was suspicious of me a lot of the time. She said I was flirting at age 10. I didn't mean it. I didn't even know what I was doing that would be considered flirting-- so that made me uncomfortable. When I was close to girls after I told my mom I was bisexual, she would make comments about each girl friend-- did you go over there to have sex? Is she your lover? Why was she over when we weren't home? So, I'm not even affectionate with my close girl friends because I worry that they'll take that as flirting too. Can't give a girl a damn hug without thinking that it could be misconstrued.
R also commented on a professor who has breast cancer. Now, this professor, Donna, singled me out and made my life miserable until she left the program. She was the director and I felt I had no one on my side and no rights like having someone there to witness what she was telling me about my school performance and about my behavior. A different professor had told her that I answered a question with humor-- but according to Donna, I was being defiant and oppositional. To me, being oppositional or defiant would have meant I stood in front of the class and said, "Fuck You, I'm not answering your goddam question." I did not do that. I didn't answer a question and she didn't come back to me to tell me to answer the question-- did she say that to this to Donna? NO! Fucking bullshit. So, Donna has breast cancer and I'm conflicted but it's someone who I know and suffering is suffering so, I encouraged other people to make artwork to send positive vibes to Donna for her healing. R found this to be shocking and very mature of me. I just keep telling myself, "Am I supposed to be angry at her forever? Why?"

JZ and I made it official that we're together. I made plans for Valentine's Day in NYC. It went by so easy. It got me thinking of how difficult it would have been with Joe and how awful it was with Jeremy. I kept telling JZ that I was happy and thankful he was there. He finally stopped me-- "It's not a big deal. This is not a chore." Well, with Joe, I couldn't even make plans like this because he would be angry, he wouldn't have fun because he'd find something, and he wouldn't know if he could get the day off until the week of and he would be upset about that too. UGH. And my anniversary/birthday trip with Jeremy included about 2 hours of us together and then he worked, drank with the guy and networked (I guess), and then we hung out with his friend and friend's friend-- but he mostly hung out with his friend and I hung out alone with the friend's friend. Then, Jeremy didn't go with me in the morning to get breakfast and we didn't go to Central Park even though we were close. We also didn't take a carriage ride even though I really, really wanted to-- because he didn't have money for it. And we had to take a taxi back because his feet hurt too much-- and we didn't walk the way I usually do in NYC. He also gave away a glass that I stole from a winery after he gave me shit about stealing it. I really fucking wanted the glass- he fucking gave it away. DOUBLE UGH! It wasn't long after that that we broke up. I realized how much he was holding me back, how his health was just deteriorating, and that he was just broke. I couldn't deal with it anymore. Plus, I tried to tell him that his friend didn't like me-- or at least was rude to me while he was drunk and he didn't fucking believe me.

So, this trip was amazing. Right before the trip, he suggested that we stay in NYC, which is expensive. But I think we did just fine and the hotel was awesome and it was just right there, no weary traveling. We did all this cool stuff like the Museum of Sex, drank Absinthe, went to MOMA together, read some books, went to book stores and record shops, and went to an amazing Indian restaurant. He left Sunday night and I stayed till Monday morning. I walked in the morning, just to walk. And you know, it was nice when it snowed. We went on long walks and had amazing conversations.
Only weird thing is that while we were being intimate, JZ told me he loved me. OMG, there is no where to run from that. There's no way to stop and say, "Um.... I just struggled and finally got into this about two weeks ago. It may be 2 months for you but it's not for me. I don't feel it." So, I said it a bunch of times to make sure that he didn't know I was uncomfortable. But now it's becoming easier. I do have strong feelings for him and I see a great future with us, where travel is easy and money is not so much a problem. He's about to get a raise once he takes the HVAC certification test and I'm just waiting on my professional license and then I get to keep a lot more money that I take in-- and damn, I've been taking it in lately. At the same time, if we broke up, I wouldn't be too sad. I'd hope I'd be just fine.

Last weekend, I went to New Haven. We got a cheap (but very decent) hotel after it was going to be about 3 when I got home. We watched my friend/ex's band, he met R and her husband (even though he thought they were just friends with each other), and I met his friend who I thought was imaginary. R's husband might even be interested in going to see JZ's band. The next day, we had breakfast, watched "The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus," shared a cupcake, had tea/coffee, and walked around New Haven, even went to The Grove Street Cemetery, which was on my list of graveyards to see. We smoked hookah and went to goodwill and bought windshield wipers. It was just a nice weekend. Otherwise, I would have gone to church and hung out at home. I'm glad I walked more than I usually do. And again, we had great conversation and talked about the future.

I'm in the middle of doing this nonprofit. And I'm not sure if I really want to do it. Things are going really well in business. And I'm not sure if I want to be responsible for programing. I love giving talks. I just want people to be able to rely on me for teaching classes at my own office or at a healing place that has space for it (and is of minimal overhead for me, which I did find and the owner totally thinks I could do a nonprofit on my own).

My supervisor is seeing me leave his side to explore other things-- like he wanted me to meet with him to go over my ad on a website because I used too many sentences with "I." I told him that I used another person's page as inspiration-- and that I would consult with Walter because he has copy writing experience. Walter and I did it in 20 minutes, without a long drawn out, "Well, you could use this. You could point out this," but NOTHING about how to actually write it-- and at the end of the meeting, he'd say it's up to me how I want to write it. OK. Then, what did we just do? What did I just pay you for? I need a copywriter, not someone who wants my money. He has plenty of it already. And although I respect him for sticking to his contract and making sure other people do, he does seem like he's just after money-- which really doesn't help when you're helping people or when you want to gain a good reputation. It's been a issue with me because it sometimes feels like he's screwing me over while telling me to be grateful and then telling me to improve my worth. I've had to do the worth thing without him-- and it feels good to say no to another person who wants to pay only $40 for my services while gaining resentful of me, and feeling like I'm not helping when they're not using the tools or coping skills that they're learning. I would understand if a person had used all the coping skills I gave them, and it didn't work. I'd help them come up with something else to help them-- but the point is also, that they need to give a good try. Seriously tired of that-- it's why I like engineers-- if I explain the benefits, they tend to see the light and get into what they need to do-- and they do SO WELL!
I even turned down an offer to teach kids to use an art journal because it was only going to be $20, which is way below what I'm worth and I'd be embarrassed if my clients found out that I was doing something for  such a low cost. If I did the class on my own, I'd be getting up to $56 per person-- that's more of my speed. I'll even do $20 per person per 90 minutes. But $20 for a fucking hour. NO. And I don't like working with kids. I work well with some kids but I have to weed out people. And I finally feel that I can do that. 

I also realized the other day that I do know lots of what's going on in the office-- whether it's with the fixtures, my colleagues or other stuff, I know it. EMTs came to the office the other day-- no one needed them luckily, but no one else would come out of their office to tell them they had the wrong suite. I hope they found the right suite-- which was a floor above us-- or so is what the EMT said.

I love smoking hookah. I feel like lots of people get high off of marijuana or get plastered. I enjoy wine or absinthe but I don't overdo it unless I'm at home. I get migraines from marijuana or I don't feel high and do something stupid. It's not my thing. But hookah is what I imagine feeling high would be like. It feels nice, relaxing. I get a BM every time I do it. I feel at peace, I feel calm, I feel like energy leaves my muscles, I relax. When I thought about why the weight is still on, it's because sometimes I still worry about money. Once I get to the point where I don't have to, I'd feel miles better and probably do better at the gym. Also, my body looks different a lot of the time-- but sometimes I still feel fat or notice that I'm not where I want to be with my weight or muscles. It feels like such a slow process. Also, I'm continuing with the heating pad at night and in the morning. It also helps me feel relaxed.
I worked at the group home the other day and one of the coworkers looked frazzled and I looked refreshed after our shifts. But she's trying to be everything to everyone and fix everything even though she hasn't been there for months-- while I'm just trying to manage the residents. I even had to shoo the girl away when she was loitering.

My friend John. UGH. He was commenting annoyingly on everything I posted on Facebook. And no one felt that we could disagree, he always had the last word. I had to restrict him. After I did that, he posted a note to my wall telling me about some things my friend was doing. He could have messaged me. Instead, he went this roundabout way to do it and I just was done. I felt trapped every time he left a comment and it was on everything, always using exclamation points. He was texting me twice a day-- saying how he slept and telling me he was going to bed. If I responded, it was a long conversation with annoying questions and assumptions that weren't true. He also wanted info about a kid I'm working with and HIPPA says it's a need to know basis and he doesn't need to know. It was overwhelming and I felt guilty that I didn't like how he was going about things, that he would tell the same stories about his ex, his cats, where he lived in the past, etc. I'm so done. He's on the nonprofit board and I canceled a meeting because I didn't want to see him and also our agenda was light, no use in making food when it will take 2 seconds to talk about things.
He saw me after no one showed up for a talk-- and I know he wanted to talk more about how no one came to the talk, like why no one came to the talk, even though I wouldn't know that. I didn't want to go over all the possible fucking reasons why no one came. I also didn't want him to hug me one time when I said something that was upsetting. He wanted to hug me when he wasn't feeling good about something I told him-- mainly to stop talking about his fucking ex wife-- he was only married for one year, 15 fucking years ago. Just fucking stop. I'm tired. I can't be a pretend lover, teacher, therapist, etc. It's fucking gross. He was also annoying after he had a massage from one of my friends. I almost felt badly when he felt badly after he ate. I told him to talk to the massage therapist since I didn't want to hear or postulate why he felt so fucking badly. She might know-- ask her or talk to her. And you know, she was really awesome and called him to talk and reassure him.

W posted something to my wall about guys putting girls in the girlfriend zone-- something which W and John are guilty with doing with me. John mentioned it, which I was glad he read it-- but I don't think he made the connection that he was doing it to me. W made the connection. He realized that with going to New Haven and being offended that I flirted with others. It shouldn't have mattered. I'm single and can act single. I don't like it when people become "protective" of me-- it's not their fucking job.

I miss my friendship with Tony. He has to babysit often or at least he uses that as an excuse. I sometimes hope that the sex is worth it. But we did have a good talk the other day about him buying a house and not actually having the house to himself since it would be his girlfriend's house and her kid's house-- the artwork he wants to put up is too creepy for the woman he dates. He even slightly talked about breaking up with her. I was surprised. He called it a bad track record with dating. He doesn't have my track record, he'll do fine.

Better go.