The Accusations
Today, I was thinking of my half brother always making accusations about me and then trying to justify them. He would tell my parents I was doing whip-its. I had no idea what they were. I had a party at my dad's house and we were giggling about whatever things or stupid things. He also accused me of having sex with one of my friends when I was 12. We went out trick or treating and we got tired so we went to a family friend's house but they weren't there so, we used the phone to call my mom, had a glass of juice and left. We ran into the friend's mom in the hallway as we were leaving. I guess since we used the phone in the bedroom and the sheets were messed up, which I didn't notice, my half brother accused me of having sex with my friend.
But you know, my mom was the same way. I would come home from my boyfriend's house at age 16 or 17 and take a shower and get to homework. She accused me of smoking pot-- and that's why I needed to take a shower once I got home. I wasn't going to take a shower at my boyfriend's house and I was not good about hygiene then. I'm surprised no one told me straight out that I didn't smell fresh. It didn't matter to me if I wore clothes that were under the dirty clothes pile in front of my bed-- not in a hamper-- and which I hadn't seen in a month or so. Yeah, that's pretty gross. And even with all the discharge I had at the time, I still wore underwear for longer than a day. I was depressed and didn't care. I would probably be offended if anyone took notice and said something. The fact is, my friends were the same way.
As long as my grades were good, I was left alone. I guess people were worried that I'd end up being the bad kid. It was not my intention to become my dad or my brothers.
I remember one time my mom was really surprised and shocked that my brother had a B in a class. She never responded that way to me. I think I unconsciously bombed a test after that and at parents' night, the algebra teacher told my mom that I was failing-- in front of everyone. I guess she thought it made her look badly. I pulled up my grade but my mom got mad at me first. If there's anything my mom doesn't like, it's other people knowing our business if it's bad. For example, "What would the neighbors think?" was the response to me calling the police on my ex boyfriend who screamed in my face and wasn't going to leave my apartment. I was putting on my running shoes to run out of the house when they arrived-- since he had convinced me to hang up on the police, saying he would leave. Oh, he didn't.
My dad and brother had revolving friends-- friends that were around sometimes and other times they were pissed off at. My mom didn't have any close friends. She had maybe two that I can remember. Maybe three. She did join a mom's group and had a clay class with a schoolmate's dad but that was it. But I think she got tired of the mom's group because they had boys and they wanted to drink.
I wonder when my mom stopped worrying about me. She did worry I'd become a lesbian. She discouraged it. She also discouraged going out all the time. I went out for a two week span right before I moved away-- and she was just upset at me. I thought that everyone else was going out and having fun. Why couldn't I decide to go out for a two week period? During that same time, I was really fucking around. It was a game-- who was available and who would I fuck that night. I remember one of the guys catching on. He wasn't someone who wanted to fuck anymore.
And now that I've just written about the two week span-- there is a time every few months when I go out "all the time." I go to bars and I hang out with people. I just feel like it. Then, I stop for a few months, mostly because of money issues. Lately, it's because I think I have a low lying depression. I had something really great happen to me and I don't want to tell anyone. I just want to hide under the covers, and tell everyone I celebrated enough and in my own way and let them go on their own way. I've chosen who to tell and who I would delay telling-- i.e. roommate and dad. I feel even sadder that there's this wall-- I can't even be happy for something I've worked so hard for.
And now that things are going really well and I've been really enjoying myself, it feels weird to have nothing to really talk about. My friend wanted to focus on what my boyfriend does and if we have a future together. She even wanted to talk about having kids. Um... God, you're such a stereotypical navy wife. She doesn't work anymore so, it makes sense that she would talk about her husband and the relocation. It seems like she's given up her life to be so devoted to him-- but it's not like I didn't know there was codependency there. As soon as her husband is bored at home, he's texting her like crazy, when she would be out with me. Are you kidding me? You're an adult, find something to do. Your wife doesn't have to be home to entertain you or make you feel safe.
On the other hand, dad only wants to focus on this one aspect of my business. Business is going really well. I'm making bank some times. And with this next phase happening, I get to keep more of the bank I'm making. But I can see in the way my supervisor is acting that he's really feeling the loss. But seriously, he's the one that's contradicting-- he wants me to know my worth but he wants me to take clients who aren't going to pay me that much; he asks me to do things that no one else is even asked to do like bring things down to the basement or to his car. I still feel like a servant sometimes-- more than I feel like someone who confidently has her own business. I want to feel a little bit more princess-like but not destructively like some of the other people who I work with. There was a delay in me getting my professional license because someone who supervised me wasn't feeling well, even though she was attending sessions with her clients-- she was making excuses not to write an email confirming the hours that she supervised me. The email is two fucking seconds. If you can go to see your clients, you can write a fucking email. And when I brought this up to my other supervisor, he told me to be grateful for her. I almost tore his head off about how I could be upset at her for this situation and be grateful for the supervision she provided-- even though she was insistent that I become like her, use her handouts, her tests, her ways, and then sometimes, she'd meet with me for 30 minutes and call it an hour. Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn't stay with a therapist like that either.
The supervisor is now wanting to do a holistic center separate from the psychological practice. In the mean time, two therapists are leaving. He dared to even say that my type of therapy had no research behind it. Are you kidding me? I wanted to just send him all this research that has been done. So, he wants me to be in the holistic part. That's fine-- but seriously, don't degrade what I do. And it has me really worried that these people are leaving. I'm celebrating my 3 years there, one of them just celebrated her 5 years there-- and suddenly, she's leaving. WTF? I am still working toward the nonprofit-- despite this same supervisor wanting to get his hands in it too. He wants to have his take of the grant money-- no, fuck you.
Aside from my thoughts not being so great, things are going really well. JZ is doing a mini-tour with the band. I'm looking forward to renting an apartment closer to work but first, paying off bills. And business is going well. I have really good friends who are not little needy people. And I've been enjoying some time to myself every day. I even lost 5 lbs. I've been to NYC a few times. Life is good.
But you know, my mom was the same way. I would come home from my boyfriend's house at age 16 or 17 and take a shower and get to homework. She accused me of smoking pot-- and that's why I needed to take a shower once I got home. I wasn't going to take a shower at my boyfriend's house and I was not good about hygiene then. I'm surprised no one told me straight out that I didn't smell fresh. It didn't matter to me if I wore clothes that were under the dirty clothes pile in front of my bed-- not in a hamper-- and which I hadn't seen in a month or so. Yeah, that's pretty gross. And even with all the discharge I had at the time, I still wore underwear for longer than a day. I was depressed and didn't care. I would probably be offended if anyone took notice and said something. The fact is, my friends were the same way.
As long as my grades were good, I was left alone. I guess people were worried that I'd end up being the bad kid. It was not my intention to become my dad or my brothers.
I remember one time my mom was really surprised and shocked that my brother had a B in a class. She never responded that way to me. I think I unconsciously bombed a test after that and at parents' night, the algebra teacher told my mom that I was failing-- in front of everyone. I guess she thought it made her look badly. I pulled up my grade but my mom got mad at me first. If there's anything my mom doesn't like, it's other people knowing our business if it's bad. For example, "What would the neighbors think?" was the response to me calling the police on my ex boyfriend who screamed in my face and wasn't going to leave my apartment. I was putting on my running shoes to run out of the house when they arrived-- since he had convinced me to hang up on the police, saying he would leave. Oh, he didn't.
My dad and brother had revolving friends-- friends that were around sometimes and other times they were pissed off at. My mom didn't have any close friends. She had maybe two that I can remember. Maybe three. She did join a mom's group and had a clay class with a schoolmate's dad but that was it. But I think she got tired of the mom's group because they had boys and they wanted to drink.
I wonder when my mom stopped worrying about me. She did worry I'd become a lesbian. She discouraged it. She also discouraged going out all the time. I went out for a two week span right before I moved away-- and she was just upset at me. I thought that everyone else was going out and having fun. Why couldn't I decide to go out for a two week period? During that same time, I was really fucking around. It was a game-- who was available and who would I fuck that night. I remember one of the guys catching on. He wasn't someone who wanted to fuck anymore.
And now that I've just written about the two week span-- there is a time every few months when I go out "all the time." I go to bars and I hang out with people. I just feel like it. Then, I stop for a few months, mostly because of money issues. Lately, it's because I think I have a low lying depression. I had something really great happen to me and I don't want to tell anyone. I just want to hide under the covers, and tell everyone I celebrated enough and in my own way and let them go on their own way. I've chosen who to tell and who I would delay telling-- i.e. roommate and dad. I feel even sadder that there's this wall-- I can't even be happy for something I've worked so hard for.
And now that things are going really well and I've been really enjoying myself, it feels weird to have nothing to really talk about. My friend wanted to focus on what my boyfriend does and if we have a future together. She even wanted to talk about having kids. Um... God, you're such a stereotypical navy wife. She doesn't work anymore so, it makes sense that she would talk about her husband and the relocation. It seems like she's given up her life to be so devoted to him-- but it's not like I didn't know there was codependency there. As soon as her husband is bored at home, he's texting her like crazy, when she would be out with me. Are you kidding me? You're an adult, find something to do. Your wife doesn't have to be home to entertain you or make you feel safe.
On the other hand, dad only wants to focus on this one aspect of my business. Business is going really well. I'm making bank some times. And with this next phase happening, I get to keep more of the bank I'm making. But I can see in the way my supervisor is acting that he's really feeling the loss. But seriously, he's the one that's contradicting-- he wants me to know my worth but he wants me to take clients who aren't going to pay me that much; he asks me to do things that no one else is even asked to do like bring things down to the basement or to his car. I still feel like a servant sometimes-- more than I feel like someone who confidently has her own business. I want to feel a little bit more princess-like but not destructively like some of the other people who I work with. There was a delay in me getting my professional license because someone who supervised me wasn't feeling well, even though she was attending sessions with her clients-- she was making excuses not to write an email confirming the hours that she supervised me. The email is two fucking seconds. If you can go to see your clients, you can write a fucking email. And when I brought this up to my other supervisor, he told me to be grateful for her. I almost tore his head off about how I could be upset at her for this situation and be grateful for the supervision she provided-- even though she was insistent that I become like her, use her handouts, her tests, her ways, and then sometimes, she'd meet with me for 30 minutes and call it an hour. Are you fucking kidding me? I wouldn't stay with a therapist like that either.
The supervisor is now wanting to do a holistic center separate from the psychological practice. In the mean time, two therapists are leaving. He dared to even say that my type of therapy had no research behind it. Are you kidding me? I wanted to just send him all this research that has been done. So, he wants me to be in the holistic part. That's fine-- but seriously, don't degrade what I do. And it has me really worried that these people are leaving. I'm celebrating my 3 years there, one of them just celebrated her 5 years there-- and suddenly, she's leaving. WTF? I am still working toward the nonprofit-- despite this same supervisor wanting to get his hands in it too. He wants to have his take of the grant money-- no, fuck you.
Aside from my thoughts not being so great, things are going really well. JZ is doing a mini-tour with the band. I'm looking forward to renting an apartment closer to work but first, paying off bills. And business is going well. I have really good friends who are not little needy people. And I've been enjoying some time to myself every day. I even lost 5 lbs. I've been to NYC a few times. Life is good.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
9:43 AM
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