The Usual
W is upset that I didn't date him. He thinks I put it in his face all the time that I don't want to be together. But I don't; even my posts online aren't meant to be taken personally. I don't do that passive aggressive posts.
This weekend I had a psoas massage. It's a muscle group around the hips. It's supposed to release stuck energy from this life and past lives. I started thinking of my ex in CA-- how bad it was that he lied to me about seeing one of his friends. He didn't have to do that. I trusted that he didn't cheat on me but he didn't make it any easier on us that it seemed like he was doing something wrong. After he lied about going to see her, he left his keys there and then never got them back. WTF?! He also said that he would have stayed with me if I had his kid. I think sometimes about how we could have been miserably married and I would have had a different life. He would have gotten a job out here and I would have been taken care of. I don't want that. I also don't want someone who would only be with me because we had a kid together.
Right as I had confirmed that I was JZ's girlfriend, I ran into a guy I had sex with 3 years ago. I remember that he was good but I felt nothing for him. He was a very strange guy, into spirituality, into psychology, and roared during sex. All I remember was that I wanted more of his sex and wanted to make him mine and he was not keen on that. Eventually, he moved away and then went on deployment. I held back screaming at him about how he wanted to fuck other people. It was not my best decision to be with him since we had unprotected sex and he didn't want to be with one person-- so I assumed he had sex all the time and not to bother him since he was either working or having sex. I guess he really wasn't that way but he wanted to be. But I assume that about most people-- if they're not with me, they're at work and if they're at home, there's some girl over there. It's only been with my ex that these thoughts have stopped since I know he doesn't get out much. He's not with anyone else-- on a side note: I still wonder sometimes if he has had sex with other girls and I'm always looking for signs but I really think he's just out with friends or he's at work and mostly at home. Anyway, the neighbor, I didn't feel anything for him and I was so proud of myself because I think I would have been more jealous and more after him if I was single. But at the same time, I really don't know. I think remembering the pain of feeling rejected would have kept me from wanting to be with him if I want to have healthier sex. W tried to make some correlation that I met the guy when I was in a relationship 3 years ago-- and we started hanging out after that break up. And I met the guy again when I was in a relationship. I don't think there was anything more there, though.
Sometimes it's tough on me when clients don't come back to me and I wish that they would figure things out. I wish they wouldn't stop coming. I know that some times their issues are so bad that they need the break in order to not tell someone else how fucked up they are every week. But it makes me sad too. I know they're not coming back. I know that it's not going to work out. And I don't know how to coach them to really come back. I also really hate it when people don't show up for their first appointments or when they come for one appointment and then they're done.
My friend Luke has told me that he thinks that when two people have amazing, passionate sex that for some people, those type of situations end up fizzling fast. I think about all the people that I had great sex with-- my friend's friend, Mark, the neighbor, Tim, etc, and yes, it didn't last long. These were not the situations of just being fucked up-- like with Eric (my exroommate's brother) or Travis-- who I dated around the same time. The sex with either was awful and they were both drug addicts but I was trying not to have sex for about a month so that I could get to know the person, not that I really knew what I was doing. But those guys didn't stick around for too long, either (and I'm happy for that). But I still wonder about this dynamic-- why can't people have great sex and long term relationships or long term fucking? And then I think of how doomed it was going to be with those guys anyway.
Then, I think of JZ-- how he's not that great but that he can learn. And that I see him as a whole person-- with interests, hobbies, and how I want to spend time watching movies, listening to records, traveling, and occasionally having sex. It feels like a real relationship instead of a crappy, going-to-end-soon-anyway type of relationship. I feel like I can really invest in this. And it won't last forever but it's something that will work for me and be really healthy for me right now.
My guide came to me yesterday morning and told me to dress better and respect myself. It was an amazing experience. He's Turkish and was a little rude but respectful about the whole thing-- about adorning my body with pretty clothes to make sure I feel confident. I want to look forward to the day. It reminds me of the times I used to choose a day like St. Patrick's Day or Valentine's Day or Backwards Day and that I would go out of my way to make sure I had something nice, related to the day to wear. I didn't do that every day. But what if I did? What if I got excited about what I was going to wear today because today is the day? I bet I'd feel more confident-- and not worry that my jeans might have paint on them or that no one is going to respect me if I wear shoes with skulls on them or sit in a cross legged position in my office chair. I even go as far to make sure I don't wear stockings on the days I'm going to have male clients-- because I don't want the boys to get distracted. And wouldn't you know it, the one time I did wear stockings to one of the meetings with the boys, he stared at my legs. I even mentioned it to him since he seemed so distracted. He corrected it after that-- I don't think he really meant anything by it but he was distracted none the less. I'm less cool about that-- I will stare. I can't even be around anything very provocative. One time a waiter wear these tight little shorts and I couldn't order right away, I was staring at the outline of his penis. He was very flamboyant-- and yet, I couldn't stop.
I was in an interview with a woman one time and she was wearing boots and a skirt-- which is completely fine and normal. Well, the skirt was short and I remember liking it but also being very upset that she worked with families and teens and didn't think it was good to show that much thigh. I don't think there was much difference between where her underwear ended and the skirt did-- that's just bad taste, though.
Anyway, I better go.
This weekend I had a psoas massage. It's a muscle group around the hips. It's supposed to release stuck energy from this life and past lives. I started thinking of my ex in CA-- how bad it was that he lied to me about seeing one of his friends. He didn't have to do that. I trusted that he didn't cheat on me but he didn't make it any easier on us that it seemed like he was doing something wrong. After he lied about going to see her, he left his keys there and then never got them back. WTF?! He also said that he would have stayed with me if I had his kid. I think sometimes about how we could have been miserably married and I would have had a different life. He would have gotten a job out here and I would have been taken care of. I don't want that. I also don't want someone who would only be with me because we had a kid together.
Right as I had confirmed that I was JZ's girlfriend, I ran into a guy I had sex with 3 years ago. I remember that he was good but I felt nothing for him. He was a very strange guy, into spirituality, into psychology, and roared during sex. All I remember was that I wanted more of his sex and wanted to make him mine and he was not keen on that. Eventually, he moved away and then went on deployment. I held back screaming at him about how he wanted to fuck other people. It was not my best decision to be with him since we had unprotected sex and he didn't want to be with one person-- so I assumed he had sex all the time and not to bother him since he was either working or having sex. I guess he really wasn't that way but he wanted to be. But I assume that about most people-- if they're not with me, they're at work and if they're at home, there's some girl over there. It's only been with my ex that these thoughts have stopped since I know he doesn't get out much. He's not with anyone else-- on a side note: I still wonder sometimes if he has had sex with other girls and I'm always looking for signs but I really think he's just out with friends or he's at work and mostly at home. Anyway, the neighbor, I didn't feel anything for him and I was so proud of myself because I think I would have been more jealous and more after him if I was single. But at the same time, I really don't know. I think remembering the pain of feeling rejected would have kept me from wanting to be with him if I want to have healthier sex. W tried to make some correlation that I met the guy when I was in a relationship 3 years ago-- and we started hanging out after that break up. And I met the guy again when I was in a relationship. I don't think there was anything more there, though.
Sometimes it's tough on me when clients don't come back to me and I wish that they would figure things out. I wish they wouldn't stop coming. I know that some times their issues are so bad that they need the break in order to not tell someone else how fucked up they are every week. But it makes me sad too. I know they're not coming back. I know that it's not going to work out. And I don't know how to coach them to really come back. I also really hate it when people don't show up for their first appointments or when they come for one appointment and then they're done.
My friend Luke has told me that he thinks that when two people have amazing, passionate sex that for some people, those type of situations end up fizzling fast. I think about all the people that I had great sex with-- my friend's friend, Mark, the neighbor, Tim, etc, and yes, it didn't last long. These were not the situations of just being fucked up-- like with Eric (my exroommate's brother) or Travis-- who I dated around the same time. The sex with either was awful and they were both drug addicts but I was trying not to have sex for about a month so that I could get to know the person, not that I really knew what I was doing. But those guys didn't stick around for too long, either (and I'm happy for that). But I still wonder about this dynamic-- why can't people have great sex and long term relationships or long term fucking? And then I think of how doomed it was going to be with those guys anyway.
Then, I think of JZ-- how he's not that great but that he can learn. And that I see him as a whole person-- with interests, hobbies, and how I want to spend time watching movies, listening to records, traveling, and occasionally having sex. It feels like a real relationship instead of a crappy, going-to-end-soon-anyway type of relationship. I feel like I can really invest in this. And it won't last forever but it's something that will work for me and be really healthy for me right now.
My guide came to me yesterday morning and told me to dress better and respect myself. It was an amazing experience. He's Turkish and was a little rude but respectful about the whole thing-- about adorning my body with pretty clothes to make sure I feel confident. I want to look forward to the day. It reminds me of the times I used to choose a day like St. Patrick's Day or Valentine's Day or Backwards Day and that I would go out of my way to make sure I had something nice, related to the day to wear. I didn't do that every day. But what if I did? What if I got excited about what I was going to wear today because today is the day? I bet I'd feel more confident-- and not worry that my jeans might have paint on them or that no one is going to respect me if I wear shoes with skulls on them or sit in a cross legged position in my office chair. I even go as far to make sure I don't wear stockings on the days I'm going to have male clients-- because I don't want the boys to get distracted. And wouldn't you know it, the one time I did wear stockings to one of the meetings with the boys, he stared at my legs. I even mentioned it to him since he seemed so distracted. He corrected it after that-- I don't think he really meant anything by it but he was distracted none the less. I'm less cool about that-- I will stare. I can't even be around anything very provocative. One time a waiter wear these tight little shorts and I couldn't order right away, I was staring at the outline of his penis. He was very flamboyant-- and yet, I couldn't stop.
I was in an interview with a woman one time and she was wearing boots and a skirt-- which is completely fine and normal. Well, the skirt was short and I remember liking it but also being very upset that she worked with families and teens and didn't think it was good to show that much thigh. I don't think there was much difference between where her underwear ended and the skirt did-- that's just bad taste, though.
Anyway, I better go.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
2:23 PM
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