Sharing

I made a lot of artwork yesterday-- which has been the point of all of this time away from people. It was nice not to be distracted except by the cat and my own taste for tea for four hours. I made a few about the past, one about getting through the feelings and lots for the future. Hopes of being a powerful woman and eventually married. I struggle with the want to be married and the want to be independent. I was in a trance, though, and while I did a lot, I can only tell you about a few. I liked them all. They captured a lot of my feelings. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expressing because I did let out sobs but not cries. I want to share them but I also feel like sharing them gives more meaning to them and I just want them to be kept private.
My brother tried to talk to me again. I don't know why he thinks he needs to give me a male perspective. I have plenty of guy friends. What really did it for me was that he asked over face book and called me "pal." I don't know what he's up to but it feels weird to be called "pal" by someone-- almost like they're trying to manipulate me to do something. I told him I didn't feel like talking and wanted to be by myself. My family is so shady that I don't know what's going on in his head and I don't want to talk to him about it so that everyone else knows too. I figured a lot of things out and when I say, "I used to be this way...," he begins to think that it's current and lectures me. Dude, I already figured it out, you think I'm telling you something I haven't figured out.
I talked with a friend about feeling more comfortable in clothes and without clothes. I was watching "The L Word" and a girl wore a shirt without a bra to a party at her house. It was so cool to think that people are so close that someone could do that without that one friend turning it into something disgusting.
I was reading about the street harassment of women being told by random men to smile. I was told this many times and it made me feel like men couldn't handle a depressed young female. The article was more about the entitlement of men to tell women what to do with themselves or their bodies. I think one of the last times was when I was on the shuttle to my car after my dad said he wouldn't pay for college. I was reasonably upset. Of course, the shuttle bus driver tried to get me to smile. Why not just ask what's wrong? Why make me feel like I don't have the right to feel what I feel? It feels like another way that I've been told to not be me and pretend like nothing happened.
One of my coworkers watches "Walking Dead." Many people tell me I would like it. Well, I eventually get around to watching things after they are suggested to me. Books are a different story, though. Anyway, I told her I have PTSD, I don't like watching a show that's basically my life-- only with zombies. I watched some episode a while ago-- and everything is just on that edge of "you could die." I also don't understand how they continue to randomly get supplies.
I talked to my ex, Joe, last night. He wants sex without a relationship and I keep telling him that I would like to have a relationship if I'm going to have sex. So, we're at a stand still. I did tell him that I'd do anything to be with him but he had to work on some issues. I'm not sure if that's really how I feel though. I am interested in other guys and get a sort of high trying to figure out if I have them interested in me. I like to be direct but I don't think any of these guys like that.
If everyone is a mirror, then there must be a lot of me that is uncommunicative and emotionally distant. I can see why that is intriguing. I also realized yesterday that until I patch things up within my own energy field with my dad and Kirk, then any relationship is doomed. I won't be able to pick out a good guy, as we've seen, and I won't get a good guy.
One of my exes is getting married. There's one thing I've always liked about the way guys fall for me-- I usually have them always. They can be in other relationships, they want me, though. I like that feeling. It's like I control them. Of course, there are the guys who have no chance and get a little upset that I'm not giving them the time of day. I talk to them but I always make it clear-- I'm not interested in you. But I like that there's a group of them, all over, who would come to see me and lavish me and adore me at the drop of a hat. All I have to do is give the word. I could easily have a harem. My friend has called this "the stable" or my "orbit." When I talk about it, though, it's usually because it pisses me off- why do these guys waste their time lusting after me when I want nothing? I want someone else. It's not like I'm suddenly going to realize that they're the one for me. They're not. And well, I'm a little sad, knowing that this ex found "the one" and that it's not me. I had considered marrying him so he could get his green card and operate his business better. I thought we could be a power couple-- both in our own business and spending time together. I also wouldn't have minded having kids with him-- intelligent and his first language is Spanish. But there goes that. It wouldn't have worked between us anyway-- but I'd like to think it would have. It's a little tough to give that up. I had to do it before. I wanted to marry one of my friends so badly. But he had lots to work on and eventually, I just couldn't be his friend. I also thought that I'd be married before this ex-- that he'd meet someone he'd fall in love with at my wedding. All of this seems really good for a story.
I also realized yesterday that I didn't have money to go to therapy and massage therapy so I could begin to be on my own. I could start to incorporate more instead of healing. I think the energy that I had for collages last night would have been taken up in the weekly visits that often take my energy for a few days a week so that I can heal from the sessions I've had.
I'm planning to move out eventually. I realized that I would miss all the animals that I have to my advantage at the place I live now. So, my coworker has two kittens that she's looking to give away. One of them is cream and orange and the other is black. The cream and orange one might have a home. The black one might not-- until now, lol.
I had two black cats when I was younger-- Eek and Shadow. Shadow was my love and protector. Eek was the talkative huntress. I found Shadow on Halloween in an apartment complex that was not the nicest to cats. He immediately came out from under a bridge to see me but he was afraid of my mom. We took him home and he just followed me around. Eek was part Siamese. Shadow, we got in 1992. Eek, we got in 1993.
The black kitten is talkative like a Siamese and will be 8 weeks (like Shadow was) on Halloween. I told my mom that I thought it was a sign. She said if it was male that it was definitely a sign. My family has been looking to replace our beloved pets for quite some time. My mom would see a black cat and think "Oh, it's Shadow 2." And one time my brother had a cat named after our other cat Gypsy-- he called the cat Little G or LG.
I'm glad that I won't be alone. But I had to talk to some friends to see if they could take care of the cat if I leave for a concert or what not, which I do plan on doing at the end of October. I kind of want to see friends, I kind of want to see a band. The band doesn't come around often but it would be nice to see my friends after a few months of not being able to see them. So, I'm stuck. I'll figure it out before the night of the events, hopefully.

I have a guy whose interested in me and I'm growing some feelings for him. I think sometimes he gets me-- but I would hope that sometimes he doesn't. He's 5 years younger than my parents-- and everyone thinks that it's some daddy issue. He's so unlike my dad in every way. He manages his money. He talks about books he wants to read and those he'll let me borrow. He smokes cigars and has good scotch. It's what I would like-- but I also want a man who doesn't mind if I go dancing or something else that's more of what kids my age do, LOL. And in this time, I don't feel much so I'm not attracted to him. We just hang out a lot.

I went to a cigar shop near me and they have some good cigars. And surprisingly, they had hookahs. They looked better and were for less than what I paid. But I'm not sure how much I really want to hookah since it takes a long time to smoke and I might not want to smoke outside if I get another place.

Yesterday, I was at church and I was sitting at a table initially by myself and then with some other people. Near the height of socializing, I was surrounded by men. There are not that many men in the congregation. I am close with one whose probably 22 or so. He's cute as can be but as I'm not feeling much, I don't want him. I looked at him, said this observation and he agreed-- weird that the guys are mostly at that table. I said it was the story of my life. And I really enjoyed the moment to hear the guys talk shop and talk about seeing spirits. Oh, it felt like home. And that's what I've been feeling there. I found some programs from the Unitarian church in my boxes of items for collages and I read the tenants and I remembered the ones I read that morning and Spiritualism just seems to fit me better. I can also see how the Pagans and Wiccans would like it since it does believe in Infinite Intelligence in all things, including nature.

Well, I better go.