Talking

I talked to the only family member I could: my older half brother. He told me some things that I find even more disturbing than what I thought.
I told him the story. It was probably the first time anyone heard it unless my mom read the police report.
He told me that he found out a year after it had happened and my dad and my brother made it seem like it was a date rape from someone my age. My half brother thinks that it was downplayed because if they told him what actually happened, he would have impulsively found the guy and killed him. I don't think it was downplayed. I think they misinterpreted my hanging out with him afterward as a dating thing. It was not. I was not in the right mind set and I was in a weird obsessive place where I just wanted him to like me and respect me. Oh, geez, he didn't. He used the time for other things.
For me, this also explains why my brother would be friends with him and continue to be around him. I think at some point, Kirk pissed my brother off, for saying something (possibly about me) or just about something he did. I don't know what it was but my brother couldn't resist repeatedly having Kirk over-- either at my mom's house or at my dad's house. This used to make me physically shake but since I did not feel comfortable letting Kirk out of my sight while at my house, I stayed. I just can't imagine that my brother would not notice this! And then I remembered, he was high and drunk. He didn't notice.
But I'm most surprised about my mom. I don't think my dad knew and he never spoke to me about it. But mom.... she met the guy. Did she really believe that I lied about my age and we were on some date? Really, a date? How did all that go down? OMG, it just pisses me off thinking about this now.
So, in essence, NO ONE BELIEVED ME. Not my friends, not my family, not the police, etc, etc, etc. I mean this explains why they didn't go to the police. They didn't talk to me about it. They let me bring it up to my therapist-- but they didn't get me a trauma specialist, which they would have been better off doing. I think my parents were more worried that I was gay. I'm serious.

While I resisted talking to my parents and brother about this, I really want to talk to them now. I want to explain about some things like trauma bond, like Kirk was manipulative. And you know, I think that my mom told the police a different story-- the one she heard from Kirk about it being a date rape or something-- and that's why they didn't believe me. I can't fucking imagine!

And it amazes me too-- my mom was harassed by a teacher and she told the administration about it-- they did nothing. So, how could she just treat me the same? My dad might have been raped or put in a situation where he was prostituting and he had nothing to say to me? What?!

On other news, I have gone out on dates and not had sex in 5 weeks. W. spent the night last week and first, he was on the couch but it was loud and he didn't sleep. Then, he complained and complained. Then, I told him he could sleep in my bed and he didn't even touch me-- which felt so good. But I don't want to do it again. He kept on saying he was going to leave and it felt like it was some punishment. My friend Justin stopped by. And Justin talks fast, loud and he talks about sex. So, for some reason, W thought I'd just drop everything and do this guy. So, W planned to leave until I said I wasn't attracted to Justin. I thought Justin and I just talk and we joke about sex. I don't think anything of it. I know Justin reads energy and he knows I'm so not interested.
I'm not sure how to bring it up to a work associate that I have no interest in dating him either. I really enjoy his company. I feel like maybe if I wait around long enough some feelings might emerge. But otherwise, he's a lot older than me (just a few years younger than my parents) and he's not who I want. No matter how young at heart he is, we're on different levels. And just like W, I don't want to take care of someone in their old age.

I have also been thinking of the first time I thought of suicide. I was 10. My parents were splitting up and I felt like I had no one to talk to-- but I did. I just didn't use those friends to my advantage-- to talk about the issues with them splitting up. So, instead, it came out as "I have no friends." I did. I just didn't know how to put it into words. After the rape, I cut myself a couple of times. But before the rape, I also burned myself. A boy I liked didn't want to continue dating after three days so, I burned myself. I don't know what I thought that would accomplish.

When I was first going through all this and ended up feeling really ungrounded, I liked a boy. I really wanted to date him. But he was really distant and he was not definite in plans-- and even when he was, I didn't believe him. So, I blew him off because it seemed like he was blowing me off. I hung out with a friend and the friend said that it sounded like I was into this guy and the guy wasn't interested in me. ....But I didn't believe my friend. I didn't think that the guy had a fair chance because my friend only knew what I was saying.
And I think a lot of that stems from people not believing me about the rape. Even when people believed me a year after the rape, I didn't want them to. I always thought, "Why aren't you questioning this more?" But the response always was "Where is he? I'll find him. I'll fight him. I'll give him what's coming to him." My first response in my head was always "no" because I almost didn't believe I was raped and I couldn't believe anyone would just trust me. So, I learned to not trust myself or my emotions.

In other, other news. I'm setting up an art show. It's a long process because I have to do everything-- framing, matting, advertising, hanging artwork, buying food and cleaning up afterward. It's stressful. But when I'm stressed, I start getting strength.
When customers come to see me, they sign a contract. A few of these contracts have become unpaid. Usually, I'm like, "eh, fuck 'em." But there are some people who I was nice to, gave a deal to, or did some things for and I was NEVER paid. For two people, it's thousands of dollars. Now, their bills were low because I gave them a discount and in the contract, it says I'll stick to that discount as long as the person does not have an outstanding bill. So, now, all of things that the customer received defaulted to the full price-- because they didn't pay a small amount, they owe now a huge amount. And I think my supervisor is surprised that I made these discounts but also, he's glad to see I'm pissed that I got basically ripped off by these people. One person tried to get me to court on an unrelated matter-- and they wanted me to testify against another known customer. We could all see that she wanted me to talk badly about the other customer!!!! So, I'm getting my money!

I better go. Thanks for reading.