Random Blessings
I occasionally have a thought to try to see the blessings of my rape. I was very angry at my dad's girlfriend (now wife) and my dad after my parents' separated. After the rape, I was angry at my dad and Kirk. I was less mad at my dad's wife for her part in the whole situation, leading up to my dad moving out.
What I find interesting is that I wanted to paint each wall in my room at my dad's house a different color. At the same time, I wanted an all black room. I wanted a room that would represent how I felt on the inside. I just wanted to feel like the depression could go somewhere.
I guess on some level, I knew I'd have problems in relationships since I was a little kid. My parents fought a lot. It was the incident with Kirk that really brought about the relationship and sexual issues. I've realized that I've used sex a lot to get away from any feelings. When it's not sex, it's alcohol. Sometimes it's both. I stopped most of that stuff.
I remember when my ex, Kaze, used to get so mad at me when I wouldn't get in the mood. He would guilt trip me. I would be asking myself the same things-- why can't I get in the mood? I wouldn't let him kiss me. We had lots of problems though so it makes sense to me that I wouldn't be in the mood. I'll have to write a whole entry dedicated to our relationship and how it all went wrong. I think I wasn't in the mood because I never felt like I had the choice of whether to be in the mood. I think after the break up with Kaze, I slept with so many people. I think it was because I was trying to tell myself that I could be in the mood a lot. And on top of that, I didn't have to feel much of the grief or any other issue that would come up. I also felt like I met a lot of guys who I felt I took care of-- like their self esteem sometimes relied on me. Sex was the way to do that at the time. It's really not, now. But there's still that part of me that fears rejecting sex because the guy might get mad and attack.
I realized the other day that I want to give up sex and all the distractions of sex so I can write. I haven't written creatively in months. In March, I was working hard on my paintings but then, they went up in the gallery and eventually, they came back and I didn't work on them. There were times I didn't want to have sex with Kaze because I was writing erotica and if I had sex, I'd lose the motivation to finish the stories. I don't have to worry about my success or failure with my creative endeavors if I'm too distracted by boys to get to the writing. What a crazy way to deal!? Now, I don't have to do that. I can work on my creativity and not worry about all these things with boys. My want to be around boys is low. I am very irritable and raw lately.
I had a conversation with a friend this morning and at the end of the conversation, I just didn't feel like he heard what I said. But we are both facing our own issues right now so I think it's the issues talking, more than us talking to each other.
That's all for now.
What I find interesting is that I wanted to paint each wall in my room at my dad's house a different color. At the same time, I wanted an all black room. I wanted a room that would represent how I felt on the inside. I just wanted to feel like the depression could go somewhere.
I guess on some level, I knew I'd have problems in relationships since I was a little kid. My parents fought a lot. It was the incident with Kirk that really brought about the relationship and sexual issues. I've realized that I've used sex a lot to get away from any feelings. When it's not sex, it's alcohol. Sometimes it's both. I stopped most of that stuff.
I remember when my ex, Kaze, used to get so mad at me when I wouldn't get in the mood. He would guilt trip me. I would be asking myself the same things-- why can't I get in the mood? I wouldn't let him kiss me. We had lots of problems though so it makes sense to me that I wouldn't be in the mood. I'll have to write a whole entry dedicated to our relationship and how it all went wrong. I think I wasn't in the mood because I never felt like I had the choice of whether to be in the mood. I think after the break up with Kaze, I slept with so many people. I think it was because I was trying to tell myself that I could be in the mood a lot. And on top of that, I didn't have to feel much of the grief or any other issue that would come up. I also felt like I met a lot of guys who I felt I took care of-- like their self esteem sometimes relied on me. Sex was the way to do that at the time. It's really not, now. But there's still that part of me that fears rejecting sex because the guy might get mad and attack.
I realized the other day that I want to give up sex and all the distractions of sex so I can write. I haven't written creatively in months. In March, I was working hard on my paintings but then, they went up in the gallery and eventually, they came back and I didn't work on them. There were times I didn't want to have sex with Kaze because I was writing erotica and if I had sex, I'd lose the motivation to finish the stories. I don't have to worry about my success or failure with my creative endeavors if I'm too distracted by boys to get to the writing. What a crazy way to deal!? Now, I don't have to do that. I can work on my creativity and not worry about all these things with boys. My want to be around boys is low. I am very irritable and raw lately.
I had a conversation with a friend this morning and at the end of the conversation, I just didn't feel like he heard what I said. But we are both facing our own issues right now so I think it's the issues talking, more than us talking to each other.
That's all for now.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
5:27 PM
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