Memories coming up.

I'm still managing with the fact that I was delusional and in denial after the rape took place. I made up the story to make it more manageable for me. I wanted people to believe that it was just something that happened. I saw him a few times after the rape had happened-- hoping that some sort of relationship could happen. After the rape, Kirk told me to sleep around. He was proud of the fact that he had sex with a 40 year old woman and a 13 year old in the same week or month or whatever it was. It just seems like the sins of how he was taught to disconnect from sex were passed along to me. This is what I mean as it was his sin that was passed along to me-- and he can take it back.
I've written about this before-- I tried to sleep with my friend after I was raped. My friend saw me acting a fool and stopped. He didn't want to have sex. We were both naked. For me, it showed me that this friend really did love and care for me. He and I had our own shit-- like that he wouldn't show up when he said he would but I think he tried for a friendship.
I feel like Kirk was beginning to groom/prime me-- to get me to have the sexual attitude he wanted me to have so I would be what he wanted. I just can't believe in writing out the details how utterly gross he was. He was so gross. I was disinterested in him and yet, I liked the attention so I went along. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I also felt that if I pissed him off, he was so heavy, he could have done some damage. I was scared for my life.
When I turned to people for help and no one believed me, I really wished he would have killed me after he raped me. I felt like I could have just had it end instead of dealing with the consequences. For years afterward, when I felt overwhelmed, when it would get to me, I would just want to kill myself-- begging for the answer-- WOULD PEOPLE FINALLY FUCKING BELIEVE ME? Would they have just believed me if I killed myself? I then would cry and cry and feel that I couldn't let him win. He didn't have that control over me.

All in all, when it comes down to it, the most harm that was down was the fact that only one person was sort of on my side for a time. Danie. She was the one questioning it. I didn't like that-- it broke through my delusion and made me think that something was actually wrong with the situation. I didn't want to admit that outright. I couldn't handle it at the time. But why did everyone want to be his friend? Why did they want to be on his side or kill him? Why couldn't anyone ask me how I was doing, if I needed support, if they could do anything for me, if they could have just talked to me to about anything of how I was feeling? No one has asked for the details. They all immediately ask who it was. Do you want a name, an address, the person's relation to me? Why does that even fucking matter? I'm still wondering when any focus is going to be turned to me-- when is it my chance to have someone ask me if I'm going to be ok, if it affected my life, if I talk to anyone about it, if I have anyone to talk to about it? WHEN!?
There's an angry 13 year old inside of me who really wants to understand why everyone is so fucking crazy and why no one believes that I could be raped. WHY?! Why.

I really need to be heard here. I really need someone to validate that I have a fucking side to this story and it's the real one. It's not the one that my family doesn't think about or talk about. It' not the one that my "friends" thought. It's MY FUCKING SIDE OF THE STORY. I can't believe anyone would believe I'd make it up and put myself through all this shit. 16 years of shit. 16 years of carrying it with me, of trying to talk about the anger, of trying to even understand guilt, shame, and forgiveness for myself in the whole process.

Thanks for reading.