Female Friends and Exes
In the past I've written about how tough it is for me to be a part of a community. I was especially aware of this when I was going to church.
I was very focused on a few things-- the rape by Kirk and the damage done when I lived with my ex, Kaze. Kaze didn't intentionally mean to make things worse but it happened. I had a slight thought the other day about events that might have lead up to the rape. I remember the friends I had at the time and that got all chaotic.
I woke up one morning, remembering my childhood friends. For the first 8 years of my life, I lived on a cul-de-sac near a pet groomers and vet. I had two neighbors on either side of us, both were very old until Mrs. Erickson moved out and 30 something female police officer moved in. Then, my family moved up the hill and near some apartments where kids lived. I ended up moving next to a girl who I went to school with and we were in the same grade, but not the same class. Ana was her name and before moving in next to her, I knew only that she was close to her father. I had seen them in the hallways.
Ana was best friends with twins Jennifer and Jessica. I believe all of them were sexually abused-- or at least Ana and Jennifer were. If someone told me that Jennifer killed a kid when she was 6 or 10, I would believe it. Ana lived next to me for 2 years. Our dynamic was awful. I went along and she was mean. She with her cousins were mean. She with Jennifer were mean. They all knew a lot about their bodies and babies. I wasn't interested in knowing about babies. Ana showed me a video once of kids talking about their bodies like it was no big deal. I think it was supposed to normalize the words "penis" and "vagina" to her but it was all very weird. She understood the rape scene in "What's Love Have To Do With It." As I said, she was about the same age as me when I moved in-- around 8 years old.
There are a few things I remember about my friendship with Ana--- she would ask me to do uncomfortable things and then get mad when I would want to leave and then she'd prevent me from leaving, she would get mad at me for really stupid stuff, she and her friends/cousins would cheat constantly at games so I would always lose, and she was hypersexual. There was a time she and Jennifer wanted to play hide and go-get-it, which I think is a tag game where boys go after girls and pinch their butts.
When I started developing at age 8 and when I got my period around age 10, Ana was upset. She tried to have her period too. In a bizarre moment, she took me and another girl-- maybe Jennifer-- into the bathroom to show us that she had been wearing pads and there was nothing on them. If I could have given up puberty, I would have.
Sometimes immature people annoy me. And I think, you know what ruined immature people and children for me? The children I knew when I was a kid.
At some point, Jennifer became pissed at me. Hell if I know what happened. But all I knew is I never hung out with her again. Jessica tried, I think, one time to be sort of close with me again but she was her sister's sister and I didn't let her get close. I think Ana and I also had a falling out and I think it might have been over who owned some kittens or how her cat died. Her cat may have fathered some kittens but the mother had them on our property and eventually moved them. At some point, her cat was found dead on her back porch. Her family blamed mine but we couldn't have done it because we had cats. We weren't doing anything that would put any cats in danger. I thought it might have been the apartment complex because they had been trying to reduce the amount of stray cats in the area. Ana and I weren't close after that.
Ana moved away when I was about 10. I remember watching her dad's car get towed and I felt at ease finally.
A few more memories-- Ana telling me that she took off her shirt and left the blinds opened. She closed her eyes and then some guy was outside the window. She claims he was staring and then she screamed, lying to her mom about how the blinds opened and he was there.
She was upset at me one time for making a family joke about her sister-- saying that her sister had dumbo ears. Her family was looking at family photos and had made the comment that the sister had dumbo ears as a baby. It was not meant to be mean at all, just as a way to participate. But Ana was mad.
Her family invited me over for Christmas. I got to see everyone open their gifts as I only had one. I really wish they would have just waited to give it to me so I didn't have to just sit there, all bored, watching everyone else get things they really wanted.
Jennifer became obsessed with my boobs and with a video camera in hand at a slumber party, she stood next to my bedroom door and asked me to show my boobs on camera. I figured she wouldn't let me out without a fight so I did it. Later, she stayed over at Ana's house after the party had resumed at my place and when she, Ana, and Jessica came back, I asked them to get their things and leave. My mom, brother and I reviewed the tape. I told them what happened before the part came. I hope my mom called their mom to tell her what happened because that's really concerning for kids to do that.
Also, one time Ana's cousins wouldn't leave my room when I wanted to change clothes. I undressed in front of them after attempting to change in the closet. Later, Ana's cousins told people that I changed in front of them. I said that they forced me to and she simply said I had the option of going to the bathroom to change. I was a little upset by that because given all that I've written, I doubt they would have let me do that either.
So, after Ana left, I was alone. I had some friends but it just ended up badly. Even Rachel, the girl I was friends with in 5th grade. We had a huge falling out in 9th grade. We have since reconciled. I hope that she sees know that I was concern for her and I didn't think she was doing the right thing. It was a lot of unnecessary stress in my life at the time of our parting because I really wanted things to be better for her.
I had some friends in elementary school but they moved away. Even the girls I was close with other than Rachel, moved away.
I did have girl friends when I was raped. I almost think they were the worse. And when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how anyone thought that sex between a 13 year old and a 17 year old (soon to be 18) was consensual. I just wonder why no one called the police then. Supposedly everyone knew. No parents thought to? No friends thought to? And I imagine that once school started, it was talked about then, no teacher thought to? I know my teacher didn't think to call because he thought it was already done. My therapist didn't call the police. He was actually encouraging and accepting of it. I didn't feel judged which was sorta nice. The next therapist didn't call the police until I was about 16 (after 2 years in therapy). It did more damage than good but at least it was finally done. Funny how everyone then thought it had been reported after I had talked about it.
Dani was the only girl friend who said it was wrong. Heather R was friends with him. Jennifer D (different from Jennifer and Jessica) got into an argument with me about something stupid and told me she'd go talk to Kirk. It made me throw up. I can't believe she would use my rape against me like that, knowing how bad it was. And Jennifer D also didn't let up when we were arguing. We were arguing over pagers and mine had voicemail while hers didn't. She just left voicemail after voicemail after telling me that she turned off her pager. She talked to my brother and told him that I was immature-- then told me that he thought I was immature too. Oh, geez, an immature 13 year old? I think she was 16 or 17 at the time-- not the best behavior for her either.
Also, Dani and I had our falling out over the drama she would cause. She liked an ex of mine (Evan) and tried talking to me about it. She made up stories and told other people just to get people to not talk, i.e. telling Heather R, who was dating Evan, that I still liked him and was using Heather for details or something. Heather R and I were not the same after that. I don't remember what did our friendship in but I got pretty sick of the lying.
In high school, it was much easier to hang with the guys. We talked about Simpsons and paint ball. They went snowboarding. We saw movies and went bowling. I didn't have to talk about any of my bullshit with any of them. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't. I loved that time. I loved the geeks who were not interested in me. They weren't intrusive. They weren't overpowering. They were just themselves. It was easy to be around them.
I keep thinking that I have guy friends like that-- only to find that they really do like me deep down and it just totally messes it up.
I keep thinking that my friends in childhood were fucked up and didn't know how to manage. It was taken out on me.
This weekend, I hung out with one of my friends and she was awesome. We were girly but not overly girly (no make up or doing each other's hair). We went shopping, talked about boys, had lots of tea and did lots of walking. She's had difficulty in the past and we have very different backgrounds-- two very different lifestyles with depression. But she's been able to figure things out for herself. She knows when to get help. She's supportive and just nice to talk to. It's like what I wish the girls were like when I was growing up.
As I mentioned before, Kaze messed me up. He would guilt trip me and I was struggle against myself. He wondered why I couldn't get in the mood. I wondered too and I just wouldn't let myself let my engine start. I didn't want to kiss him because then I'd have sex and I found it boring, tedious, and messy. I didn't want to bother with it. I'm figuring out that maybe my status quo for being turned on is a lot less than I even recognize. I felt guilty for not being in the mood. And after the break up and depression, I drowned it all out with alcohol and sex. I worked too much. I worried too much. I did everything I could to just not deal with it. Even when I was in rape counseling, I don't remember talking to my counselor about the time I got drunk with Kaze and we had sex. I later realized that I wasn't interested and I didn't like the way he was acting. The only thing I said to him was that I was barely conscious and wish we hadn't done it. But upon reflection, it felt like rape. I wasn't going to press charges but I understood marital rape a lot after that. So, I didn't deal with underlying issues in therapy. I didn't even tell her when I was raped on vacation.
Since the situation with Kirk, I had blamed myself. Everyone else was blaming me so I did too. There's even a little voice inside of me now saying, "But don't you really think that it was your fault? I mean you didn't really say no." And what I say to that voice is, "OK, then explain Rafael. How come a 13 year old decided not to have sex when he could have, we were both naked? He stopped because I was acting weird." And it shuts it up for a time but it comes back. "You really didn't say no."
So, when I was raped on vacation, I consented to sex. But then it hurt a lot and I still worry that I have internal damage from it that until I tell someone, they're not going to know that it might be there. I feel so badly that I wanted him to like me after the fact. I wanted him to apologize. I wanted him to just say something to let me know I was OK, that I wasn't a complete fuck up. But that didn't happen and because of the police in the past, I don't want to go back to press charges officially.
I had support after the rape that happened when I was 23. His friends were supportive. My friends were supportive, except my roommate and my work. The police woman was supportive too-- she told me she wanted to get this guy if she could. My teachers were supportive-- and they got me in to see the rape counselor. I didn't tell the rape counselor about the rape on vacation though. It was a few months later when I felt myself getting stressed and just not being emotionally stable that I finally said something. She was shocked. She was a bit upset that I didn't tell her because she couldn't help me when she didn't know. I feel that this rape (the one at 23) was handled just fine and I don't have any symptoms from it. I feel like it's done. I have a bit of anger at the guy but other than that, it's over.
So, the Rape Recovery Handbook talks about how if you have support, it's easy to overcome the trauma of rape. The reason that I am not over what happened when I was 13 is that I had NONE of that. No person supported me. I still feel jaded when I feel badly about my ability to give a BJ or that my jaw sticks when I try sometimes. I feel like the symptoms are still there and I just can't get over them.
I feel like now, it's a time of flushing out this wound so it can heal. I am really glad to go to massage therapy and to a therapist that feels I'm doing so well. She offered energy work again since I'm doing a lot of work and that my energy probably needs to be calibrated again. I think it'll do really good this time around.
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings.
I was very focused on a few things-- the rape by Kirk and the damage done when I lived with my ex, Kaze. Kaze didn't intentionally mean to make things worse but it happened. I had a slight thought the other day about events that might have lead up to the rape. I remember the friends I had at the time and that got all chaotic.
I woke up one morning, remembering my childhood friends. For the first 8 years of my life, I lived on a cul-de-sac near a pet groomers and vet. I had two neighbors on either side of us, both were very old until Mrs. Erickson moved out and 30 something female police officer moved in. Then, my family moved up the hill and near some apartments where kids lived. I ended up moving next to a girl who I went to school with and we were in the same grade, but not the same class. Ana was her name and before moving in next to her, I knew only that she was close to her father. I had seen them in the hallways.
Ana was best friends with twins Jennifer and Jessica. I believe all of them were sexually abused-- or at least Ana and Jennifer were. If someone told me that Jennifer killed a kid when she was 6 or 10, I would believe it. Ana lived next to me for 2 years. Our dynamic was awful. I went along and she was mean. She with her cousins were mean. She with Jennifer were mean. They all knew a lot about their bodies and babies. I wasn't interested in knowing about babies. Ana showed me a video once of kids talking about their bodies like it was no big deal. I think it was supposed to normalize the words "penis" and "vagina" to her but it was all very weird. She understood the rape scene in "What's Love Have To Do With It." As I said, she was about the same age as me when I moved in-- around 8 years old.
There are a few things I remember about my friendship with Ana--- she would ask me to do uncomfortable things and then get mad when I would want to leave and then she'd prevent me from leaving, she would get mad at me for really stupid stuff, she and her friends/cousins would cheat constantly at games so I would always lose, and she was hypersexual. There was a time she and Jennifer wanted to play hide and go-get-it, which I think is a tag game where boys go after girls and pinch their butts.
When I started developing at age 8 and when I got my period around age 10, Ana was upset. She tried to have her period too. In a bizarre moment, she took me and another girl-- maybe Jennifer-- into the bathroom to show us that she had been wearing pads and there was nothing on them. If I could have given up puberty, I would have.
Sometimes immature people annoy me. And I think, you know what ruined immature people and children for me? The children I knew when I was a kid.
At some point, Jennifer became pissed at me. Hell if I know what happened. But all I knew is I never hung out with her again. Jessica tried, I think, one time to be sort of close with me again but she was her sister's sister and I didn't let her get close. I think Ana and I also had a falling out and I think it might have been over who owned some kittens or how her cat died. Her cat may have fathered some kittens but the mother had them on our property and eventually moved them. At some point, her cat was found dead on her back porch. Her family blamed mine but we couldn't have done it because we had cats. We weren't doing anything that would put any cats in danger. I thought it might have been the apartment complex because they had been trying to reduce the amount of stray cats in the area. Ana and I weren't close after that.
Ana moved away when I was about 10. I remember watching her dad's car get towed and I felt at ease finally.
A few more memories-- Ana telling me that she took off her shirt and left the blinds opened. She closed her eyes and then some guy was outside the window. She claims he was staring and then she screamed, lying to her mom about how the blinds opened and he was there.
She was upset at me one time for making a family joke about her sister-- saying that her sister had dumbo ears. Her family was looking at family photos and had made the comment that the sister had dumbo ears as a baby. It was not meant to be mean at all, just as a way to participate. But Ana was mad.
Her family invited me over for Christmas. I got to see everyone open their gifts as I only had one. I really wish they would have just waited to give it to me so I didn't have to just sit there, all bored, watching everyone else get things they really wanted.
Jennifer became obsessed with my boobs and with a video camera in hand at a slumber party, she stood next to my bedroom door and asked me to show my boobs on camera. I figured she wouldn't let me out without a fight so I did it. Later, she stayed over at Ana's house after the party had resumed at my place and when she, Ana, and Jessica came back, I asked them to get their things and leave. My mom, brother and I reviewed the tape. I told them what happened before the part came. I hope my mom called their mom to tell her what happened because that's really concerning for kids to do that.
Also, one time Ana's cousins wouldn't leave my room when I wanted to change clothes. I undressed in front of them after attempting to change in the closet. Later, Ana's cousins told people that I changed in front of them. I said that they forced me to and she simply said I had the option of going to the bathroom to change. I was a little upset by that because given all that I've written, I doubt they would have let me do that either.
So, after Ana left, I was alone. I had some friends but it just ended up badly. Even Rachel, the girl I was friends with in 5th grade. We had a huge falling out in 9th grade. We have since reconciled. I hope that she sees know that I was concern for her and I didn't think she was doing the right thing. It was a lot of unnecessary stress in my life at the time of our parting because I really wanted things to be better for her.
I had some friends in elementary school but they moved away. Even the girls I was close with other than Rachel, moved away.
I did have girl friends when I was raped. I almost think they were the worse. And when it comes down to it, I really don't understand how anyone thought that sex between a 13 year old and a 17 year old (soon to be 18) was consensual. I just wonder why no one called the police then. Supposedly everyone knew. No parents thought to? No friends thought to? And I imagine that once school started, it was talked about then, no teacher thought to? I know my teacher didn't think to call because he thought it was already done. My therapist didn't call the police. He was actually encouraging and accepting of it. I didn't feel judged which was sorta nice. The next therapist didn't call the police until I was about 16 (after 2 years in therapy). It did more damage than good but at least it was finally done. Funny how everyone then thought it had been reported after I had talked about it.
Dani was the only girl friend who said it was wrong. Heather R was friends with him. Jennifer D (different from Jennifer and Jessica) got into an argument with me about something stupid and told me she'd go talk to Kirk. It made me throw up. I can't believe she would use my rape against me like that, knowing how bad it was. And Jennifer D also didn't let up when we were arguing. We were arguing over pagers and mine had voicemail while hers didn't. She just left voicemail after voicemail after telling me that she turned off her pager. She talked to my brother and told him that I was immature-- then told me that he thought I was immature too. Oh, geez, an immature 13 year old? I think she was 16 or 17 at the time-- not the best behavior for her either.
Also, Dani and I had our falling out over the drama she would cause. She liked an ex of mine (Evan) and tried talking to me about it. She made up stories and told other people just to get people to not talk, i.e. telling Heather R, who was dating Evan, that I still liked him and was using Heather for details or something. Heather R and I were not the same after that. I don't remember what did our friendship in but I got pretty sick of the lying.
In high school, it was much easier to hang with the guys. We talked about Simpsons and paint ball. They went snowboarding. We saw movies and went bowling. I didn't have to talk about any of my bullshit with any of them. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't. I loved that time. I loved the geeks who were not interested in me. They weren't intrusive. They weren't overpowering. They were just themselves. It was easy to be around them.
I keep thinking that I have guy friends like that-- only to find that they really do like me deep down and it just totally messes it up.
I keep thinking that my friends in childhood were fucked up and didn't know how to manage. It was taken out on me.
This weekend, I hung out with one of my friends and she was awesome. We were girly but not overly girly (no make up or doing each other's hair). We went shopping, talked about boys, had lots of tea and did lots of walking. She's had difficulty in the past and we have very different backgrounds-- two very different lifestyles with depression. But she's been able to figure things out for herself. She knows when to get help. She's supportive and just nice to talk to. It's like what I wish the girls were like when I was growing up.
As I mentioned before, Kaze messed me up. He would guilt trip me and I was struggle against myself. He wondered why I couldn't get in the mood. I wondered too and I just wouldn't let myself let my engine start. I didn't want to kiss him because then I'd have sex and I found it boring, tedious, and messy. I didn't want to bother with it. I'm figuring out that maybe my status quo for being turned on is a lot less than I even recognize. I felt guilty for not being in the mood. And after the break up and depression, I drowned it all out with alcohol and sex. I worked too much. I worried too much. I did everything I could to just not deal with it. Even when I was in rape counseling, I don't remember talking to my counselor about the time I got drunk with Kaze and we had sex. I later realized that I wasn't interested and I didn't like the way he was acting. The only thing I said to him was that I was barely conscious and wish we hadn't done it. But upon reflection, it felt like rape. I wasn't going to press charges but I understood marital rape a lot after that. So, I didn't deal with underlying issues in therapy. I didn't even tell her when I was raped on vacation.
Since the situation with Kirk, I had blamed myself. Everyone else was blaming me so I did too. There's even a little voice inside of me now saying, "But don't you really think that it was your fault? I mean you didn't really say no." And what I say to that voice is, "OK, then explain Rafael. How come a 13 year old decided not to have sex when he could have, we were both naked? He stopped because I was acting weird." And it shuts it up for a time but it comes back. "You really didn't say no."
So, when I was raped on vacation, I consented to sex. But then it hurt a lot and I still worry that I have internal damage from it that until I tell someone, they're not going to know that it might be there. I feel so badly that I wanted him to like me after the fact. I wanted him to apologize. I wanted him to just say something to let me know I was OK, that I wasn't a complete fuck up. But that didn't happen and because of the police in the past, I don't want to go back to press charges officially.
I had support after the rape that happened when I was 23. His friends were supportive. My friends were supportive, except my roommate and my work. The police woman was supportive too-- she told me she wanted to get this guy if she could. My teachers were supportive-- and they got me in to see the rape counselor. I didn't tell the rape counselor about the rape on vacation though. It was a few months later when I felt myself getting stressed and just not being emotionally stable that I finally said something. She was shocked. She was a bit upset that I didn't tell her because she couldn't help me when she didn't know. I feel that this rape (the one at 23) was handled just fine and I don't have any symptoms from it. I feel like it's done. I have a bit of anger at the guy but other than that, it's over.
So, the Rape Recovery Handbook talks about how if you have support, it's easy to overcome the trauma of rape. The reason that I am not over what happened when I was 13 is that I had NONE of that. No person supported me. I still feel jaded when I feel badly about my ability to give a BJ or that my jaw sticks when I try sometimes. I feel like the symptoms are still there and I just can't get over them.
I feel like now, it's a time of flushing out this wound so it can heal. I am really glad to go to massage therapy and to a therapist that feels I'm doing so well. She offered energy work again since I'm doing a lot of work and that my energy probably needs to be calibrated again. I think it'll do really good this time around.
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
1:40 PM
1 Comments:
Yay, girl weekend :) I'm really happy that you felt I was supportive!
I have hesitated to really dig through my feelings about the girls from my childhood. I don't think I was put into any horribly damaging situations (maybe a few that stick out), but I had close girl friends and they were mean to me often and ganged up on me. That plus some GOOD girl relationships has left me very conflicted about "how to be girly." Those good relationships have drifted apart and I am afraid of that happening again. I don't paint my nails often and I'm not really into fashion, but there is something undeniable about the bond between girls and women. Women don't support each other enough, I think. There's a lot of cattiness out there.
Massage therapy sounds like an excellent treatment. For physical traumas, you can release tension & get PHYSICAL therapy. I feel like that could really help with healing from assault, given a supportive & trusting environment of course.
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