Marriage
I was driving around today and heard the song "Marry Me" by Train. It got me thinking more about marriage. I don't respect marriage. I don't remember a time when my parents were happy. And when I lived with my ex, I stopped being interested in sex. My supervisor has reminded me several times the average married couple have sex about 2 times a week and once a week if they have kids.
At the beginning of every relationship, I think of marriage. And now I have a place in mind. It's really difficult to even think about now. I remember dates where I knew the date would just end at my place or his place. It didn't seem odd to me that it would go that way. I remember two years ago, trying to get a friend back to my place for some alone time. He refused and I was thoroughly confused. I was probably irritable after that. But now, I feel comfortable with going out to lunch or dinner and not expecting sex.
Many years ago, an ex told me that his ex girlfriend didn't want to tell him that she cheated on him so she accused the guy of rape and he went to jail. At first, I thought that she does a disservice to all women who come forward. But then I realized that she was probably 15 or 16 when this happened and the guy was in his 30's. He did wrong. I don't know why my ex wanted to make it seem like she did something so wrong.
TMI:
I'm thinking more about the problems I had with yeast in my system. I used to get bad rashes but not actually get the yeast infection. It was very annoying. I went on a candida albicans diet and mostly killed it off but also made it difficult for me to process things I loved like mashed potatoes. When I brought this up to my friend today, he called the candida a venereal disease, which got me thinking that maybe there's more damage that I can ever know inside of me. But I always have more discharge than usual-- the gyno tells me about it in every visit. But when I do something like take probiotics that dry out my vagina, I feel really uncomfortable and weird. The downside to the excess of discharge is that I ruin my underwear often. I used to do my roommate's laundry and she never seemed to have any discharge, which would confuse me. How does she know if something is clean or dirty? I can tell mostly by the discharge on it-- sometimes by the smell. When I take calcium, the discharge is worse.
End of TMI.
There was a spike in my readership the other week. It seems really weird to me because I haven't been posting it on FB.
I really hate that my body is not mine when I'm in public and sometimes when I'm at home-- for example if I'm in a chatroom. Men feel the need to tell me to smile or that I have nice boobs. Luckily the whole smile thing has subsided in recent years but makes me feel like I don't have the chance to feel sad or show it in public. And when I smile, then stupid people feel that they can talk to me about anything. I had two solicitors stop me either in or outside the grocery store. My supervisor said that I am very approachable. I went to the store today and didn't get anything-- but it was also that it was raining, no solicitors.
I don't like that men have nothing else to compliment me on other than my breasts. I have so many things going for me and my boobs are what guys fucking pay attention to. But then again, those guys are only interested in sex and don't deserve my attention. I worry that a man like that would just feel the need to call me a slut or a cunt if I don't give him attention-- or he could do worse.
At the same time, I want to think that men are nice and not so ruthless. I would hope they could control themselves around a woman who turns them down. But sometimes I think that when I turned down Kirk or Darren, it made them angry and that's why they raped me. I was really into someone else, closer to my age, when Darren raped me. And it was that other guy who convinced me to come forward even though I was very reluctant-- rightfully so from previous experience.
I remember a time in high school when there were rumors of rape of two of my female classmate-- Melissa and Rachel. My friend Chris said that he didn't believe Melissa because she had already had sex so, he didn't think she could be raped. Melissa had quite a tough dating life and I don't think it helped to have people talk crap about her like that. Melissa and I weren't close at the time and I definitely didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this. I remember she was always a little wild but I think she was a little more wild after that. While I was not interested in anything about sex after the rape, she openly called her friends "sluts." But there was a part of me that agreed with Chris. I'm glad I don't anymore.
I remember telling teachers when I was uncomfortable with language used in class, like one girl repeatedly yelling out "Nipples" in the middle of an activity or the guys who were talking about their dicks or which girls they would fuck. They told me to deal-- nothing they could do about it. They didn't even try to tell the guys to save it or tell the girl to say the real name of her group, which was not "nipples." Maybe this has contributed to my talking about breasts, dicks, sex, and dildos when I feel like it. I also say, "That's what she said" or I say very sexual things.
Chris, again, said that Rachel's boyfriend was raping her. But I heard from other people that Rachel and her boyfriend would do drugs in a group of friends and Rachel would say that this guy had a huge dick. I was concerned for Rachel. Chris made it sound pretty bad like making sure Rachel didn't eat and making her sit in the mud before class. It sounds like she was doing things to make him happy or placate him because maybe he was violent or raping her. In the years that Rachel and I reconnected after a big blow out-- and continued issues in high school-- we haven't said much about high school or what was really going on. For example, she did have abusive relationships after high school so there is a possibility that her boyfriend in high school was abusive. There was also a bit of a weird triangle between Rachel, Austin and me. I thought Austin would always like me but he dated her and it was all very weird-- like Austin talking in the hallway with me when she went to class. He told me that he loved me the day before he started dating Rachel. He tried to kiss my ear when he and Rachel were on the outs. It was weird. And I heard that Rachel was trying to take my friends and flirt with the abusive guy I dated in high school. I heard from that boyfriend that Rachel blamed me for not having friends in high school-- over a possible pregnancy. I wish I didn't tell the preppy girls about the pregnancy but I was very upset about the situation-- I was venting. I am glad I told the art teacher about it, though. I think he started to see a different side of the situation.
I've ran out of steam. Thanks for reading.
At the beginning of every relationship, I think of marriage. And now I have a place in mind. It's really difficult to even think about now. I remember dates where I knew the date would just end at my place or his place. It didn't seem odd to me that it would go that way. I remember two years ago, trying to get a friend back to my place for some alone time. He refused and I was thoroughly confused. I was probably irritable after that. But now, I feel comfortable with going out to lunch or dinner and not expecting sex.
Many years ago, an ex told me that his ex girlfriend didn't want to tell him that she cheated on him so she accused the guy of rape and he went to jail. At first, I thought that she does a disservice to all women who come forward. But then I realized that she was probably 15 or 16 when this happened and the guy was in his 30's. He did wrong. I don't know why my ex wanted to make it seem like she did something so wrong.
TMI:
I'm thinking more about the problems I had with yeast in my system. I used to get bad rashes but not actually get the yeast infection. It was very annoying. I went on a candida albicans diet and mostly killed it off but also made it difficult for me to process things I loved like mashed potatoes. When I brought this up to my friend today, he called the candida a venereal disease, which got me thinking that maybe there's more damage that I can ever know inside of me. But I always have more discharge than usual-- the gyno tells me about it in every visit. But when I do something like take probiotics that dry out my vagina, I feel really uncomfortable and weird. The downside to the excess of discharge is that I ruin my underwear often. I used to do my roommate's laundry and she never seemed to have any discharge, which would confuse me. How does she know if something is clean or dirty? I can tell mostly by the discharge on it-- sometimes by the smell. When I take calcium, the discharge is worse.
End of TMI.
There was a spike in my readership the other week. It seems really weird to me because I haven't been posting it on FB.
I really hate that my body is not mine when I'm in public and sometimes when I'm at home-- for example if I'm in a chatroom. Men feel the need to tell me to smile or that I have nice boobs. Luckily the whole smile thing has subsided in recent years but makes me feel like I don't have the chance to feel sad or show it in public. And when I smile, then stupid people feel that they can talk to me about anything. I had two solicitors stop me either in or outside the grocery store. My supervisor said that I am very approachable. I went to the store today and didn't get anything-- but it was also that it was raining, no solicitors.
I don't like that men have nothing else to compliment me on other than my breasts. I have so many things going for me and my boobs are what guys fucking pay attention to. But then again, those guys are only interested in sex and don't deserve my attention. I worry that a man like that would just feel the need to call me a slut or a cunt if I don't give him attention-- or he could do worse.
At the same time, I want to think that men are nice and not so ruthless. I would hope they could control themselves around a woman who turns them down. But sometimes I think that when I turned down Kirk or Darren, it made them angry and that's why they raped me. I was really into someone else, closer to my age, when Darren raped me. And it was that other guy who convinced me to come forward even though I was very reluctant-- rightfully so from previous experience.
I remember a time in high school when there were rumors of rape of two of my female classmate-- Melissa and Rachel. My friend Chris said that he didn't believe Melissa because she had already had sex so, he didn't think she could be raped. Melissa had quite a tough dating life and I don't think it helped to have people talk crap about her like that. Melissa and I weren't close at the time and I definitely didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this. I remember she was always a little wild but I think she was a little more wild after that. While I was not interested in anything about sex after the rape, she openly called her friends "sluts." But there was a part of me that agreed with Chris. I'm glad I don't anymore.
I remember telling teachers when I was uncomfortable with language used in class, like one girl repeatedly yelling out "Nipples" in the middle of an activity or the guys who were talking about their dicks or which girls they would fuck. They told me to deal-- nothing they could do about it. They didn't even try to tell the guys to save it or tell the girl to say the real name of her group, which was not "nipples." Maybe this has contributed to my talking about breasts, dicks, sex, and dildos when I feel like it. I also say, "That's what she said" or I say very sexual things.
Chris, again, said that Rachel's boyfriend was raping her. But I heard from other people that Rachel and her boyfriend would do drugs in a group of friends and Rachel would say that this guy had a huge dick. I was concerned for Rachel. Chris made it sound pretty bad like making sure Rachel didn't eat and making her sit in the mud before class. It sounds like she was doing things to make him happy or placate him because maybe he was violent or raping her. In the years that Rachel and I reconnected after a big blow out-- and continued issues in high school-- we haven't said much about high school or what was really going on. For example, she did have abusive relationships after high school so there is a possibility that her boyfriend in high school was abusive. There was also a bit of a weird triangle between Rachel, Austin and me. I thought Austin would always like me but he dated her and it was all very weird-- like Austin talking in the hallway with me when she went to class. He told me that he loved me the day before he started dating Rachel. He tried to kiss my ear when he and Rachel were on the outs. It was weird. And I heard that Rachel was trying to take my friends and flirt with the abusive guy I dated in high school. I heard from that boyfriend that Rachel blamed me for not having friends in high school-- over a possible pregnancy. I wish I didn't tell the preppy girls about the pregnancy but I was very upset about the situation-- I was venting. I am glad I told the art teacher about it, though. I think he started to see a different side of the situation.
I've ran out of steam. Thanks for reading.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
4:11 PM
2 Comments:
The tea I suggested before was Pau D'arco. I would describe it as mild & earthy. It worked very well for me to get yeast infections under control. Hopefully it is not too drying for you, if you try it.
I'll look into it. It sounds interesting.
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