Stability
I went to therapy today. It made me tired. I felt defensive and guarded today. It took me a while to get the message. I feel like my therapist goes back and forth between encouraging me to express my anger and then telling me to not express it when I feel. Today, she was focused on getting me to gratitude instead of frustration. I did not want to hear it. She wants me to do the same old meditation. I do and it helps but I forget.
The thing is that I want to express my anger. I've been writing in journals since I was 10 and now, it doesn't give me that sense of what I need to get to healing. When I was really upset and I'd talk to my brother, he'd basically tell me to get over it. My dad says the same thing. I feel stifled. I feel like I can't say, "You're fucking pissing me off right now." I did a reality check with my friend the other day. I do tend to focus on the negative sometimes. I was hanging out with a friend and I honestly had nothing to say. I wanted to complain about work, movies, books, frustrations with my website, my business, my clients, etc. I curbed it all-- and had nothing to talk about.
The reality check was this: Am I negative when talking about people? I.E. last week, I had this horrible situation with my boss at the group home where I did stand up for myself because I didn't make a mistake but I was still lectured. I feel like this woman probably did decently when she was a resident assistant-- just interacting and helping the girls. Now, she's director of the house and she has more responsibilities than ever and she clearly cannot handle it. I also have never seen her eat on any of the shifts I've had with her. I think she has coffee. She's very high anxiety and does not express any feelings. To look at her, she seems disappointed all the time. One time, she was really anxious about a fire inspection, cleaning and talking about every piece of everything and I made sure to take my time with taking the time cards over to the main office-- because I didn't want to be back unless it was over. When I got back, she was calm.
Well, she pissed me off with talking to me about something I didn't do. The reality of the situation was that she was bothered that one of the girls came into her office to give her a note about a phone while she was on a conference call. She came out to complain to someone and noticed that the downstairs office was open and there were confidential files about. The girl who was home doesn't do wrong unless she's encouraged, and even now she'd really think about it. So, she was not going to steal files, cameras, money, computers, whatever. And I wasn't the last to leave the office, another worker was. I've had training to make sure doors are locked.
There was another shift open this week and I was asked to take it-- but I would have to work with this woman. I refused to do the shift. I'm already doing one with her on Thursday. She'll be up my butt at noon to get a snack ready for the girls at 2. Also, she does not like what I usually make for the girls.
There's another woman. She has gotten me into some art galleries and my artwork hung up in some nice places. The fact is the woman is crazy. She also criticizes everyone-- oh and expects that I know or care who she talks about. She has made it clear, she doesn't like anyone. She helps other artists and she stores their work in her car-- but without care or diligence. She denies being greedy but she is. She doesn't get things done in a timely manner. She talks about herself the entire time she's around someone. And at times, she really pisses me off when she makes comments about my work. She has let me know that artwork gets stolen sometimes. When her phone was stolen in a public place, she blamed the janitor at the city hall. She doesn't like him. She doesn't do her work there well. She told me she charges $200 for what someone else will charge $70-- and then she complains if someone goes to the other person. The other person is just a signature, she caters to the people (or so she says). She criticizes atheists.
Ugh, I just needed that rant. I worry about my work but so far so good. Also, she made me upset by repeatedly not having art openings. Admittedly, this month has been hectic and I wasn't able to visit my work-- which I'll take down next week.
It's been really difficult for me to be around some of my friends. First, there's R. She went to grad school with me. We were close for a while but as she graduated and I was still working on my thesis, I grew distant. R. and her friends were welcoming to me and have been very sweet. But after R's friends got married, things got funky. Most of them waited till marriage for sex and they're going through a very weird phase in their coupledom. I also do not like that a majority of the time, I'm the single one there. Even when I had a boyfriend, I went to the party by myself. R made this thing up where she's trying to be naked as possible during her 30's. Yeah, weird. The last time that I was around them, I overheard that one of the married guys liked me. When he hugged me, his hand rubbed on the side of my boob. I was uncomfortable-- and now I don't want to hang around R. I can hang out with her by herself-- just a dinner or something. She is a colleague. But lately, I've just let R and her friends go the way they're going to go. They're really weird now.
Second, there's Luke. Luke and I have been friends since shortly after I moved to CT. He's been like a brother to me at times. In 2009, he went to CA. I helped him pack and all. But I was angry that he was leaving. He came back 8 months later-- which was no surprise to me as the CA economy was really bad and I didn't know what Luke might have found out there. He wanted so many things that I don't think it was all plausible or realistic-- i.e. finding social work to do on a commune. Luke is now 38, lives at home, not much prospect other than grant writing, not in a relationship nor does he want one. He was waiting for the perfect job, which he had during Occupy Wall Street but that was a short term thing.
What really upsets me other than his arrogance, his lack of direction in life, is that he has a slip disk. I guess with the minimally active lifestyle he leads because he doesn't have a consistent or good income, it's getting worse. It's really tough for me to think that he's just sitting at a computer, all hours of the night, withering away. I don't even want to think about it but I see where this is heading.
I feel guilty that I'm letting these friends go. I was close to them at one point. And maybe I didn't see the flaws or they weren't so apparent that they are now. I spent so much time alone, I just want to think that I could almost collect friends-- have them here and there and keep them. But it seems like I've grown out of them. And it's taken me a while to feel ok with that.
Oh, boys. So, I've kept to the no sex. I've been praying for strength. And honestly, I'm trying to go back to when I was 13 and figure out what my sex drive would actually be like if I were allowed to explore it on my own. I find myself generally disinterested. I have even grown tired of being hit on. I especially dislike being hit on about my boobs. I'm so intelligent. Why not notice that? Why notice this thing that I don't have any control over? A friend commented that a man can compliment a woman if she noticeably takes good care of her body-- but that's for someone else, not me. My fucking boobs are huge. They get noticed. I think some girls would flaunt them more. I don't want the fucking attention. So, this guy online hits on me. I was in a chatroom for my area and I was having a good conversation about money and b.s. There wasn't anything in the room to suggest it was for singles or anything like that. I just wanted to talk to some people in my area since I was lonely. He said he was 41. I'm almost 30. There is a big difference here already. He asks me to get on cam and I reluctantly do so. He asks me questions and I just couldn't care less. He showed me his big arms while fishing for compliments on how big they were. So, then he makes a comment on my boobs and I turn off cam. He starts apologizing but it was bad-- it was "I'm a guy." Yes, boys will be boys-- you can have a nice night. He asked me to the casino and I politely declined-- keeping my anger in-- and he got the message. Of course instead of just getting the message and being like, "OK, bye," he says, "I guess we're on two different pages here, have a good night." OMG, yes, and shut the fuck up. It's not my fault you hit on me. But I'm glad that it was put out there and no harm no foul-- I showed disinterest.
Now, there is a boy I like and I want to be with. But he doesn't seem to understand the healing process, the distance, the irritability, the emotional instability, etc. I've been acting crazy. I've been doing things that he says shows him I'm not interested. It's not that I'm disinterested. I was not capable of doing what I needed to do in order to be in a relationship. I hope that one day he comes around and realize that it has nothing to do with him. I needed time to really, really heal and be ready for a relationship. I was also not happy about any possibility of being alone while I was taking this hiatus from sex and while I was confused about where I am with my sexuality-- just the frequency and how do I know when I'm authentically turned on compared to when I feel obligated to have sex/sex is going to be expected. I like sex. It feels great for me. But how often do I really want sex? And in the end, what do I really want my life to be like? I'm working on healthy sexual attitudes. I've been praying for strength and for faith to help me when I'm tempted to just sleep with someone so I can feel their body next to mine and feel connected. I want to wait till I'm in a relationship-- and right now, I'm OK with waiting for that. Tomorrow is a different story, though, and thoughts can feel overwhelming and that I have to act on them. I'm learning not to, though.
I took time over the weekend to write. I wrote stories about far away places with vengeful princes and fathers-- all things that relate to the rape. The first one was about a murderous king and father. The second was about a jealous prince who took the heart of a pretty girl. I think the next will be that the woman's voice is taken. I'm planning more creative endeavors related to this healing period. I just bought canvases so that I can be productive with those-- after I clean more room and get to work on some of my other paintings. I want to have a deeper range in my artwork. Also, I feel that being away from sex can help with the creativity. I almost want to wait as long as I can in order to have the energy to focus on creative endeavors. Maybe something or someone will change my mind but it'll be a productive period in the mean time.
I have been feeling more stable and it feels good.
I better go.
The thing is that I want to express my anger. I've been writing in journals since I was 10 and now, it doesn't give me that sense of what I need to get to healing. When I was really upset and I'd talk to my brother, he'd basically tell me to get over it. My dad says the same thing. I feel stifled. I feel like I can't say, "You're fucking pissing me off right now." I did a reality check with my friend the other day. I do tend to focus on the negative sometimes. I was hanging out with a friend and I honestly had nothing to say. I wanted to complain about work, movies, books, frustrations with my website, my business, my clients, etc. I curbed it all-- and had nothing to talk about.
The reality check was this: Am I negative when talking about people? I.E. last week, I had this horrible situation with my boss at the group home where I did stand up for myself because I didn't make a mistake but I was still lectured. I feel like this woman probably did decently when she was a resident assistant-- just interacting and helping the girls. Now, she's director of the house and she has more responsibilities than ever and she clearly cannot handle it. I also have never seen her eat on any of the shifts I've had with her. I think she has coffee. She's very high anxiety and does not express any feelings. To look at her, she seems disappointed all the time. One time, she was really anxious about a fire inspection, cleaning and talking about every piece of everything and I made sure to take my time with taking the time cards over to the main office-- because I didn't want to be back unless it was over. When I got back, she was calm.
Well, she pissed me off with talking to me about something I didn't do. The reality of the situation was that she was bothered that one of the girls came into her office to give her a note about a phone while she was on a conference call. She came out to complain to someone and noticed that the downstairs office was open and there were confidential files about. The girl who was home doesn't do wrong unless she's encouraged, and even now she'd really think about it. So, she was not going to steal files, cameras, money, computers, whatever. And I wasn't the last to leave the office, another worker was. I've had training to make sure doors are locked.
There was another shift open this week and I was asked to take it-- but I would have to work with this woman. I refused to do the shift. I'm already doing one with her on Thursday. She'll be up my butt at noon to get a snack ready for the girls at 2. Also, she does not like what I usually make for the girls.
There's another woman. She has gotten me into some art galleries and my artwork hung up in some nice places. The fact is the woman is crazy. She also criticizes everyone-- oh and expects that I know or care who she talks about. She has made it clear, she doesn't like anyone. She helps other artists and she stores their work in her car-- but without care or diligence. She denies being greedy but she is. She doesn't get things done in a timely manner. She talks about herself the entire time she's around someone. And at times, she really pisses me off when she makes comments about my work. She has let me know that artwork gets stolen sometimes. When her phone was stolen in a public place, she blamed the janitor at the city hall. She doesn't like him. She doesn't do her work there well. She told me she charges $200 for what someone else will charge $70-- and then she complains if someone goes to the other person. The other person is just a signature, she caters to the people (or so she says). She criticizes atheists.
Ugh, I just needed that rant. I worry about my work but so far so good. Also, she made me upset by repeatedly not having art openings. Admittedly, this month has been hectic and I wasn't able to visit my work-- which I'll take down next week.
It's been really difficult for me to be around some of my friends. First, there's R. She went to grad school with me. We were close for a while but as she graduated and I was still working on my thesis, I grew distant. R. and her friends were welcoming to me and have been very sweet. But after R's friends got married, things got funky. Most of them waited till marriage for sex and they're going through a very weird phase in their coupledom. I also do not like that a majority of the time, I'm the single one there. Even when I had a boyfriend, I went to the party by myself. R made this thing up where she's trying to be naked as possible during her 30's. Yeah, weird. The last time that I was around them, I overheard that one of the married guys liked me. When he hugged me, his hand rubbed on the side of my boob. I was uncomfortable-- and now I don't want to hang around R. I can hang out with her by herself-- just a dinner or something. She is a colleague. But lately, I've just let R and her friends go the way they're going to go. They're really weird now.
Second, there's Luke. Luke and I have been friends since shortly after I moved to CT. He's been like a brother to me at times. In 2009, he went to CA. I helped him pack and all. But I was angry that he was leaving. He came back 8 months later-- which was no surprise to me as the CA economy was really bad and I didn't know what Luke might have found out there. He wanted so many things that I don't think it was all plausible or realistic-- i.e. finding social work to do on a commune. Luke is now 38, lives at home, not much prospect other than grant writing, not in a relationship nor does he want one. He was waiting for the perfect job, which he had during Occupy Wall Street but that was a short term thing.
What really upsets me other than his arrogance, his lack of direction in life, is that he has a slip disk. I guess with the minimally active lifestyle he leads because he doesn't have a consistent or good income, it's getting worse. It's really tough for me to think that he's just sitting at a computer, all hours of the night, withering away. I don't even want to think about it but I see where this is heading.
I feel guilty that I'm letting these friends go. I was close to them at one point. And maybe I didn't see the flaws or they weren't so apparent that they are now. I spent so much time alone, I just want to think that I could almost collect friends-- have them here and there and keep them. But it seems like I've grown out of them. And it's taken me a while to feel ok with that.
Oh, boys. So, I've kept to the no sex. I've been praying for strength. And honestly, I'm trying to go back to when I was 13 and figure out what my sex drive would actually be like if I were allowed to explore it on my own. I find myself generally disinterested. I have even grown tired of being hit on. I especially dislike being hit on about my boobs. I'm so intelligent. Why not notice that? Why notice this thing that I don't have any control over? A friend commented that a man can compliment a woman if she noticeably takes good care of her body-- but that's for someone else, not me. My fucking boobs are huge. They get noticed. I think some girls would flaunt them more. I don't want the fucking attention. So, this guy online hits on me. I was in a chatroom for my area and I was having a good conversation about money and b.s. There wasn't anything in the room to suggest it was for singles or anything like that. I just wanted to talk to some people in my area since I was lonely. He said he was 41. I'm almost 30. There is a big difference here already. He asks me to get on cam and I reluctantly do so. He asks me questions and I just couldn't care less. He showed me his big arms while fishing for compliments on how big they were. So, then he makes a comment on my boobs and I turn off cam. He starts apologizing but it was bad-- it was "I'm a guy." Yes, boys will be boys-- you can have a nice night. He asked me to the casino and I politely declined-- keeping my anger in-- and he got the message. Of course instead of just getting the message and being like, "OK, bye," he says, "I guess we're on two different pages here, have a good night." OMG, yes, and shut the fuck up. It's not my fault you hit on me. But I'm glad that it was put out there and no harm no foul-- I showed disinterest.
Now, there is a boy I like and I want to be with. But he doesn't seem to understand the healing process, the distance, the irritability, the emotional instability, etc. I've been acting crazy. I've been doing things that he says shows him I'm not interested. It's not that I'm disinterested. I was not capable of doing what I needed to do in order to be in a relationship. I hope that one day he comes around and realize that it has nothing to do with him. I needed time to really, really heal and be ready for a relationship. I was also not happy about any possibility of being alone while I was taking this hiatus from sex and while I was confused about where I am with my sexuality-- just the frequency and how do I know when I'm authentically turned on compared to when I feel obligated to have sex/sex is going to be expected. I like sex. It feels great for me. But how often do I really want sex? And in the end, what do I really want my life to be like? I'm working on healthy sexual attitudes. I've been praying for strength and for faith to help me when I'm tempted to just sleep with someone so I can feel their body next to mine and feel connected. I want to wait till I'm in a relationship-- and right now, I'm OK with waiting for that. Tomorrow is a different story, though, and thoughts can feel overwhelming and that I have to act on them. I'm learning not to, though.
I took time over the weekend to write. I wrote stories about far away places with vengeful princes and fathers-- all things that relate to the rape. The first one was about a murderous king and father. The second was about a jealous prince who took the heart of a pretty girl. I think the next will be that the woman's voice is taken. I'm planning more creative endeavors related to this healing period. I just bought canvases so that I can be productive with those-- after I clean more room and get to work on some of my other paintings. I want to have a deeper range in my artwork. Also, I feel that being away from sex can help with the creativity. I almost want to wait as long as I can in order to have the energy to focus on creative endeavors. Maybe something or someone will change my mind but it'll be a productive period in the mean time.
I have been feeling more stable and it feels good.
I better go.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
10:00 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home