Surprise

I've been a little weary that I talk in my sleep-- actually it's more of a whisper. I think that I'm acting out some sort of something that is related to my rape. Last night, I whispered "no." I've also whispered "Slow down" and "Do what?" So, this is causing some concern. I'm wondering how long I've done this. I can only guess that it's been many years.

The teeth grinding is still an issue. I talked to my therapist about it and we couldn't come up with any ideas. Even if I get the mouth guard, do meditation and do the jaw exercises, it's not going to go away. I've tried the mouth guard a few times. When I was 16, it took me a while to get used to it and I would take them out in the middle of the night. My unconscious even tried to hide it from me. :( I did jaw exercises for the last few days but they made my jaw tighter. I'm wondering if eating hard nuts or whatnot might help with it. But I can't overexercise it. When my friend was visiting, he kept insisting I needed to do relaxation to get to sleep. I can get to sleep within a few minutes of feeling tired or saying I'm tired. I'm pretty relaxed anyway. It's not about that at all. I even played relaxation music while I was asleep and the grinding happened more-- and almost exclusively. So, something else has to be done. I'm not sure if the mouth guards are going to work. It doesn't seem to change anything.

It's been tough for me to get rid of friends. Lately, I just can't have even the slightest bit of care about hurt feelings as I've seen that if I continue these friendships, the person continues to disrespect me. The friend who came to visit told me last month that his guides had told him that we were only going to be friends for a year. Well, it was about a year ago that we started hanging out again-- and yes, our friendship is over. He doesn't realize when he's saying mean things or being intrusive. For example, he was a contributing factor in my relationship with Joe ending. It was all because Javier wanted me for himself. He made sure that even Joe's friend thought that I was cheating on him. I had to explain to Joe that I was just not attracted to Javier. Also, I kissed Javier last year and I felt nothing. Then, I felt really badly that I felt nothing. It took me a while to stand up to Javier and to make sure he knew that I was not interested in spending all my free time with him (or anyone) for that matter.
During the weekend, he almost seemed like a bully-- i.e. insisting I do this or telling me to do to this or that. Also, I saw a praying mantis walking across the grass. It looked really funny. I wanted to respect it's space and just go on my way-- just watching. And then I pointed it out to Javier-- of course, he wanted to take a picture. We walked over but I would have prefer to not to.

I don't think at this point I would mind if I hung out with Tony more often. He gets on my nerves sometimes but at least he lets me be me and encourages me. He always likes to talk about ideas and then not doing any of them. Then he judges others for the same. Plus, I don't think he should stay late at my place when he has a girlfriend. He stayed till 1 A.M. last time. He has done this since we first started hanging out. But now, he's not at home so he doesn't have to stay this long anymore. I thought he liked being at his girlfriend's house. I just wish I could just be like this with other guys but the sexual feelings always get in the way. I'm tired of it.

And so it goes.