realization

Written 11/6/13

Realization

I was thinking about my friendship with W. I've felt very guilty lately with excluding him from my plans and not being honest with him about how I'm not interested in a romantic relationship in the future. I realized what it was that makes me upset and pushes him away. He reminds me of my ex, Jarrett. Now, I have kept a blog since maybe 2000 or 2001. Jarrett's mom saw it and said I was disturbed and he requested that I not use his name ever again so, in every other entry I've written about him till now, I've only said his name was Jay. Blogging also caused problems when I was with Kaze and I was releasing steam about how awful his parents and grandparents were when they drank/had parties-- talk about alcoholism and enabling! So, I try not to but I like writing about it and feeling validated to my experiences and feelings.

The time that W and I had traveled together in July, made me really depressed. He had this conversation with me about not seeing Ali, how Ali was so bad for me, that I might get involved in some incident because Ali is angry-- he gathered from what I said, and I need to stop having sex with men who are unworthy of my time. Now, no matter how “friendly” his conversation is supposed to be, it's not going to come off that way to me. And this is what makes me think that W is very crazy and is trying to convince me of his craziness. When Ali would talk to me, I would tell W and he would just not understand why I might want to talk to Ali or why it might be tough for me. I think one time he said that he knew Ali would get in contact with me. Whatever.

This all is so similar to the way that Jarrett was. Jarrett was a level above this and I let it happen. Jarrett would call the guys that I liked and tell them I had AIDS. I do not have AIDS but I was not acting responsibly sometimes and at the time, I was afraid I had it. I was nearly forced to get a test, which put my stress level up and when it came back negative, all the people who were supportive and standing by, well, they left. “Oh you don't have AIDS, get out of my life.” Jarrett and I would get into a fight because I had cheated again and he demanded that I call Kaze and break it off with him. I didn't but Jarrett called and harassed him too.

I called the police twice on Jarrett. I had a class with one of my high school classmates-- and I told her. She was surprised because Jarrett was quiet all the time. And granted he was sensitive. But later, another high school classmate, a girl, Rachel, who I did not get along with for high school and a bit afterward-- but obviously now friends, told me that she had heard other people say Jarrett was a controlling and angry person. So, again, I had that validation that I wasn't crazy, Jarrett really was this way.

W has made it really uncomfortable sometimes. I've shut down telling him anything. He wonders why and it was hard to explain. Whenever I'm going through anything, he's overly concerned and asks repeatedly how I'm doing until I tell him I'm fine. And if I say I'm not fine, he gives me suggestions. This is not the type of friendship I want. I'm not sure if I should tell him that I've cut him off because he reminds me of my abusive ex.

I've seen W make too many decisions when he's upset. I asked him for money to get by and when I made the choice to not be around him for New Years, he asked for the money back as soon as possible. Sometimes I don't think he understands me-- I don't want to be around a bunch of people I don't know. I don't want to be around a lot of people in general, which makes me just really want to go to a dive bar around here, just to have a small party to go to. So, it hurt me that W would demand that I start paying because he was hurt. I don't think he understands what he does. I had to talk him down because he had gotten upset at his daughter and his ex-wife. His daughter has a boyfriend at age 13 and his ex-wife either acts very rationally and he blows it out of proportion or she's crazy too. So, he made it clear he didn't like that the 13 year old had a boyfriend and the ex-wife wouldn't let the daughter go to the movies with her friends and the boyfriend. And he didn't want to pay for his daughter's room to be remodeled, even though he had promised the money. I didn't say it to him but I see the pattern in this.

I'm trying to get back on the wagon. I miss touch and cuddling and wish I had someone to fulfill that but I'm OK without it. Ali contacted me, saying he was really horny. I told him no. I don't like waiting around for him. I don't like that it's just about sex. We talk very little outside of that, mostly because I don't want to and also because I think he's stupid. I just don't care. I want a connection and I don't have that with him. Joe and I might not see each other again. I want to have more text messages between us. I want more of a connection than the “I want you” texts-- but I know he won't. I feel like at least we have a better bond than I have with Ali. At the same time, it's not much of a connection.

For once, I was present when Joe and I had sex. Usually, my thoughts are all over the place. But this last time, it was good. I just enjoyed the moment. It was nice.

Yesterday, I masturbated. It was actually enough and something that I might give more consideration to doing more often. I worried about it because I didn't want to get back to that place where I was using it as a quick stress reliever when I was working at the hospital-- or the time when I was masturbating a bit and was crying at the end. I read an article that said that through sex and masturbation, women experience all emotions. Yesterday, it made me feel a little bit better-- and better able to turn down Ali, even after I had two drinks. In the past, I'd figure, “Yeah, OK, sure, I'm down the street.”

I talked to my friend Mark last week about all the things that had happened last week. We were going to meet for sex but I said I wasn't feeling in control and didn't want him to be a part of it. He sent me some messages that made me feel crappy but I'm sure he was just trying to make me realize what I was saying. But then I went back to the usual arguments, “I don't want a relationship... It doesn't matter...”In the last week of October, I had sex with 2 people on separate occasions, set up 2 meetings for sex (both fell through), and gave my number out 3 times. I usually don't give out my number. I gave my number to someone I had been flirting with at a bar while meeting with my friends. I hope that's the end of it but I know the urge may come back. I thought I was doing really well the two months I went without sex. I made it clear to many people that I was not interested, that their sexual talk was overwhelming me and I wanted them to stop-- and then I didn't care anymore. I lost focus. I think the 2 months wasn't really for me-- it was for the guy I really liked. I thought if I could just control myself and get through some of the issues that I would be more emotionally grounded for the guy I really liked. But when I check in with myself about if I really see a long term relationship with him, I get defensive-- “Oh, no. It wouldn't work out.” My intuition knows but damn, my emotions can't keep up. I still want him to recognize me one day. I wonder who he talks to and if there is anything I can do to romance him to the idea that we could be good together. But deep down, I don't even believe that. I wish I could be on the same page about this-- it would give me a lot less stress. But when I start feeling all uneasy in my stomach and giving myself headaches, I just turn my feelings to starting my nonprofit.

Because of all of the issues I've had with dating, I am afraid to date again. I don't want to put myself out there to get hurt and there's no guarantee that I won't be hurt in the next relationship. But I felt something in the energy field-- that the guy whose perfect for me is in my life, he doesn't have his life together either so he's not the perfect guy yet-- but we're both sort of waiting for time to pass in order to reconnect. I don't know who it is. I know who I'd like it to be. But it was a reassuring energy that this could happen.

I've been down with love for a while. I'm just not finding it to be all that people say it is. I haven't been in love. I deeply care for people. I have love for my friends who've been in my life for so long that I can't even describe it. But romantic love-- nah. My mom gave me books when I was younger and one of them said that sometimes you don't meet your soul mate in this lifetime. I'm almost making sure of it-- making my business my priority, making no time for a relationship, etc. I feel like with Joe, I sacrificed a lot. At his place, I didn't have phone reception so I didn't get texts and I just sort of put my business on hold when I was with him. And we'd spend as much time together as we could. So, I feel sacrificed. And that was probably our undoing. We felt obligated to be around each other. I also worry that he has sex addiction too because his family is filled with addicts and he's avoided any substance that might get him addicted but this might fill that void, I guess. I don't want to do that again but I want someone whose also motivated.

I'm really tired of people telling me to write down what I want in a soul mate. I have. I did it before Jeremy and I broke up. I see some people in the my life with some of the things I've listed and I get a little hopeful but I feel like it might not be time. So, I wait.

I don't think I really respect men. I think my dad and my brothers are lower than me and I feel I've always been smarter-- not making the same mistakes that they do. Now, how can I have a good relationship if underneath it all, I don't respect men? I have some respectable men in my life but I still feel like they're just idiots. No wonder I can't attract a good man.

Anyway, I better get going.