Blame and Friendships
I know it's confusing but a few months before Kirk raped me, I dated a guy my age named Kurt. Kurt ended up having places on the school property where he brought girls and fondled them. After we broke up, I decided I didn't like that that had happened so, I went to the principal and told. It was a big ordeal, even including the superintendent named (I'm serious) Mr. Pain. After months of talking to our friends and etc, the principal and vice principal, who were both female, told me that Kurt's consequence was learning about sexual harassment for 10 hours. I said, "OK," but I wasn't. Really, he fondles me and others on campus and he just has to learn about it? Ugh. But at the end of the experience, the principal had asked me, "How was he supposed to know that it wasn't OK to touch you?" She even pointed out that I held his hand. I got this underlying message of, "If you date someone, they have the right to touch you" or even "Why did you date him?" For years after, I was upset, thinking that she blamed me-- saying that since I held his hand, he could touch me. I remember my mom was keen on how I acted after he fondled me and it wasn't long after that he broke up with me. I'm serious, his break up was a social/political move since I had a falling out with a group of people because they thought that I called a very sweet girl a bitch when I actually called a very bitchy girl a bitch-- but no one could figure out who I was really talking to... etc.
So, even before Kirk raped me, I was having trouble with shame, guilt, friendships, and sex. I went from one school that was across town to another and knew only one person. But her and her friends were fucked up and really mean about some things-- especially with their parents. So, I'm glad that they excluded me so I could find the nice people my age but I never felt like I fit in anywhere in my home town. I jumped from group to group of friends, feeling like I walked in the party late and most of the good stuff had happened. I mean these groups took me in until drama happened, which will happen with teens. But it felt like everyone else had these awesome, close friendships and I only had passing friendships. I didn't have friends for the long term. I moved from school to school (by my choice), lost contact or out grew friendships, and then moved on to the next person/group of people. While I was invited to do some fun things, I wasn't invited to do everything since I wasn't a part of the group. It seems like that some sort of karmatic pattern or at least a strong pattern in this life. My mom even told me stories about how I was close with some girls in kindergarten and they just put me down (yes, little 5 year olds insulting others' clothing).
It feels weird that I was considered so sensitive because I'd cry at the least bit emotional thing but that my brothers would make fun of me for being so aggressive and dominate-- telling me I'd wear the pants in my relationships. When I was 10, a guy's mom told my mom that I was overbearing. This was Rafael's mom. Rafael's mom did not bring this up at the best time-- she was the principal of my brother's middle school and after he got in trouble, my mom came to her office and then, his mom had this conversation. While Rafael has been sweet at times, he's also fucked some things up and that's why currently we are not talking and haven't talked since about 2011. It took him a while to realize his mom didn't like me. It was a dinner we had with his parents in 2009 that sealed it-- his mom is usually talkative and she was quiet around me. He's funny, though, and wanted to pretend more that we were together-- just to really piss her off. I don't know how a mom holds a grudge for 15 years-- against her son's friend!
And yet, I can. I had a friend, Atwood, who I used to hang around in a big group. I dated him for a month or something when we were 12. His mom found out that I had had sex at age 13, gave me a lecture when I called to talk to Atwood-- about how I could get STDs. Atwood told me that because of this terrible thing that happened to me and his parents only hearing that it was sex, I would never be OK to enter his life again. DAMN, that's some shit from some Christians. They knowingly let us hang out once-- but it was a big deal. Also, his dad supposedly yelled at a boyfriend of mine (JC), asking if he was getting "stink finger" from me. What adult fucking does that? But at the same time, JC and his friend James loved to make up shit. They would make up that someone was joking around and saying "Write 'Slut' on my arm.... No, why don't you just write 'Venus [my name]' on my arm? It's the same thing." And this girl didn't know me to say stuff like that-- but somehow she was saying it all the time?! Or they were just making it up. Not the first time that some teens made some shit up because they were bored or hanging out and bored/joking. This is supposedly the same group, 4 years later, dared JC to have sex with his exgirlfriend and that's when he came out of the closet, telling all people present that in the middle of having sex with the poor girl that he realized he was gay. He was 18 at the time and I don't think you just realize you're gay in the middle of sex-- you've most likely known since you were 4, when gender identification happens so, the story all around sounds like b.s. But damn, these people should write books on how many lies they've told that were so outrageous.
I know in the last paragraph, I wrote that Atwood's parents were Christians. It was because of all this judgement from people who were going to Christian churches and not reaching out to me, that I stepped away from the Christian church. I am back at a church with Christian roots but it is not this type of Christianity. It's a church that's open to more mystical things-- open to other religions like the Native American ones, like Pagan ones, but sometimes include people who talk about God and Jesus. They also do hands-on healing and mediumship because they believe in a life beyond this one.
I'm still struggling with friendships. I feel like I'm closer to having some that are healthy. I was with an acquaintance and we were talking about the adults that she knew. At one point, last month, she had said she wanted to be a grown up. Grown up is very different from an adult-- and every time she says "grown up," I just imagine a 4 year old with a brief case, pretending to be a lawyer. "I'm a grown up." And I'm getting around to knowing healthy adults. At the same time, it's a slow going process because I know a lot of losers and I know some people who are becoming adults but aren't there yet. It's probably why I isolate myself.
My supervisor and I talked about healthy sexual attitudes-- so that I could be better educated and help people. He knows my struggles. And even when I took Human Sexuality in undergrad, we talked about the more outskirt topics-- i.e. disabilities, lgbt, rape, etc. and some other things like spirituality. But the spirituality was just an extra lecture. We talked a little bit of communication. And we talked about normal activity i.e. erection, plateau, orgasm, etc. It wasn't anything about healthy sexual behaviors so I always had the impression that there wasn't any. Anyway, back to my supervisor. He asked me if I knew anyone with a healthy sex life-- I couldn't tell him. The friends who talk about it usually are bragging, just talking about it, or saying something but not much. I.E. the most recent conversation that I can think of that wasn't bragging or just sharing-- was with my friend Nicole who just got married. We were in the bathroom at her bachelorette party, talking about how great the relationship with her husband is-- and how their sex life is different than her previous relationship. She said, "Yeah, clearly since I'm pregnant," which makes me happy for her since her ex had issues with painful erections and therefore would not be in the mood often. She would be in their apartment, attempting to entice him before she would take matters to her vibrator. But it's not like I asked if the orgasms are better or she's getting enough. She barely wanted to talk about it since her sister-in-law had discouraged it the whole night-- which was unfortunate for her bachelorette party and the sex toy representative who did her whole presentation. It was on our minds but to not talk about it--- sucks.
So, yes, I don't know healthy sexual behaviors. My supervisor usually surprises me with facts like married couples usually have sex twice a week and maybe once a week with kids. What, really? This is not in pop culture and I have never heard of such a thing! When I was with Kaze and we were living together, when we didn't feel connected, we didn't have sex for months. It also became difficult for me to have sex the closer it got to me leaving to CT because he wasn't coming with me. So, again, no healthy sexual attitudes for me, which is embarrassing. I want to know that!
On the topic of Kaze, I thought about him the other day. I was thinking about if he had come out here, would we be married. I can see what in the relationship my mom saw and how she thought we'd be together because damn, Kaze loved me hard core. I don't think he'll get over me, even though he's married. But I don't feel I've ever loved and when it comes down to it, the relationship was never going to fulfill my emotional needs. We didn't have that emotional connection. We were like roommates or two ships passing in the night. Although I can appreciate that we had a life together and I was able to have a life separate, neither was the life I wanted. I think deeply, I cared for Kaze and if bad things happened to him, I would feel really sad, even to this day. But that relationship was never going to fulfill my needs. Kaze was there for me financially. And now that I know more about CT, I know he could have gotten a REALLY, REALLY good engineering job with some of the companies here. But he wasn't there in some of the areas I really needed him to be there. Also, at the end of the day, he didn't support me working with kids. I know that we both made jokes about how awful kids were and how we wanted to scream in their faces to tell them that life was too short to be so entitled and to get involved with b.s. But I really think that either, he would have been like coming home to a very needy person, which I don't want to do after working with kids all day, or he would make the scream-in-the-face comment and I wouldn't feel like what I did mattered or that what I did was so frustrating that I shouldn't be doing it-- so in a way, discouraging.
I was listening to Robert Ohotto yesterday and I like that he's a man who talks about how women are devalued because she doesn't feel empowered and she prays to a God, named He, and about the patriarchy. Sometimes when I get deeply into my dislike for the patriarchy, I feel crazy. I feel like I come off crazy. But at the same time, I want men to have equality too. I want men to feel comfortable with their emotions, to feel comfortable with themselves, and to not be considered "gay" if they enter into a mostly female field. Sometimes I really need the good vibes from just hearing about good spirituality. The other thing I like about Robert Ohotto is that he talks beyond "The Secret." He talks about a shadow side and how that can undermine someone's good goals. I was listening to an old podcast and he was talking about how he believes someone's negative vibes can be called a "spell." He talks about past lives and how that can be a part of karma but also, he talks about how it may not matter if a person feels that a karmatic pattern is from this life or a past life. So, nice to hear when I need something to just have good vibes.
Update: As much as I get slightly envious of my friends who are happily married, and the ones who I kinda know are doomed to fail, I know what my passion is-- and that's my work. For example, a few days ago, I bought tickets to some shows in Boston for next weekend. At the end of it, there was a survey with a chance to win some prizes. As I'm going through the prizes, there was a chance to sign up for magazines. I signed up for 4 magazines-- three were related to work. And I'm so excited to get them. I'm like, "YEAH!" I wanted Inc, Money, and I'll try Entrepreneur. And I got Travel and Leisure just to round out the experience. I cannot wait to get them.
I sometimes feel that money is a man's world. But I want to be up and understand it! So, I'm so excited to get Money magazine.
Also, I just posted like 2 minutes ago and already had 5 views by the time I came back to edit. DAMN.
I've ran out of steam. I'll update later.
So, even before Kirk raped me, I was having trouble with shame, guilt, friendships, and sex. I went from one school that was across town to another and knew only one person. But her and her friends were fucked up and really mean about some things-- especially with their parents. So, I'm glad that they excluded me so I could find the nice people my age but I never felt like I fit in anywhere in my home town. I jumped from group to group of friends, feeling like I walked in the party late and most of the good stuff had happened. I mean these groups took me in until drama happened, which will happen with teens. But it felt like everyone else had these awesome, close friendships and I only had passing friendships. I didn't have friends for the long term. I moved from school to school (by my choice), lost contact or out grew friendships, and then moved on to the next person/group of people. While I was invited to do some fun things, I wasn't invited to do everything since I wasn't a part of the group. It seems like that some sort of karmatic pattern or at least a strong pattern in this life. My mom even told me stories about how I was close with some girls in kindergarten and they just put me down (yes, little 5 year olds insulting others' clothing).
It feels weird that I was considered so sensitive because I'd cry at the least bit emotional thing but that my brothers would make fun of me for being so aggressive and dominate-- telling me I'd wear the pants in my relationships. When I was 10, a guy's mom told my mom that I was overbearing. This was Rafael's mom. Rafael's mom did not bring this up at the best time-- she was the principal of my brother's middle school and after he got in trouble, my mom came to her office and then, his mom had this conversation. While Rafael has been sweet at times, he's also fucked some things up and that's why currently we are not talking and haven't talked since about 2011. It took him a while to realize his mom didn't like me. It was a dinner we had with his parents in 2009 that sealed it-- his mom is usually talkative and she was quiet around me. He's funny, though, and wanted to pretend more that we were together-- just to really piss her off. I don't know how a mom holds a grudge for 15 years-- against her son's friend!
And yet, I can. I had a friend, Atwood, who I used to hang around in a big group. I dated him for a month or something when we were 12. His mom found out that I had had sex at age 13, gave me a lecture when I called to talk to Atwood-- about how I could get STDs. Atwood told me that because of this terrible thing that happened to me and his parents only hearing that it was sex, I would never be OK to enter his life again. DAMN, that's some shit from some Christians. They knowingly let us hang out once-- but it was a big deal. Also, his dad supposedly yelled at a boyfriend of mine (JC), asking if he was getting "stink finger" from me. What adult fucking does that? But at the same time, JC and his friend James loved to make up shit. They would make up that someone was joking around and saying "Write 'Slut' on my arm.... No, why don't you just write 'Venus [my name]' on my arm? It's the same thing." And this girl didn't know me to say stuff like that-- but somehow she was saying it all the time?! Or they were just making it up. Not the first time that some teens made some shit up because they were bored or hanging out and bored/joking. This is supposedly the same group, 4 years later, dared JC to have sex with his exgirlfriend and that's when he came out of the closet, telling all people present that in the middle of having sex with the poor girl that he realized he was gay. He was 18 at the time and I don't think you just realize you're gay in the middle of sex-- you've most likely known since you were 4, when gender identification happens so, the story all around sounds like b.s. But damn, these people should write books on how many lies they've told that were so outrageous.
I know in the last paragraph, I wrote that Atwood's parents were Christians. It was because of all this judgement from people who were going to Christian churches and not reaching out to me, that I stepped away from the Christian church. I am back at a church with Christian roots but it is not this type of Christianity. It's a church that's open to more mystical things-- open to other religions like the Native American ones, like Pagan ones, but sometimes include people who talk about God and Jesus. They also do hands-on healing and mediumship because they believe in a life beyond this one.
I'm still struggling with friendships. I feel like I'm closer to having some that are healthy. I was with an acquaintance and we were talking about the adults that she knew. At one point, last month, she had said she wanted to be a grown up. Grown up is very different from an adult-- and every time she says "grown up," I just imagine a 4 year old with a brief case, pretending to be a lawyer. "I'm a grown up." And I'm getting around to knowing healthy adults. At the same time, it's a slow going process because I know a lot of losers and I know some people who are becoming adults but aren't there yet. It's probably why I isolate myself.
My supervisor and I talked about healthy sexual attitudes-- so that I could be better educated and help people. He knows my struggles. And even when I took Human Sexuality in undergrad, we talked about the more outskirt topics-- i.e. disabilities, lgbt, rape, etc. and some other things like spirituality. But the spirituality was just an extra lecture. We talked a little bit of communication. And we talked about normal activity i.e. erection, plateau, orgasm, etc. It wasn't anything about healthy sexual behaviors so I always had the impression that there wasn't any. Anyway, back to my supervisor. He asked me if I knew anyone with a healthy sex life-- I couldn't tell him. The friends who talk about it usually are bragging, just talking about it, or saying something but not much. I.E. the most recent conversation that I can think of that wasn't bragging or just sharing-- was with my friend Nicole who just got married. We were in the bathroom at her bachelorette party, talking about how great the relationship with her husband is-- and how their sex life is different than her previous relationship. She said, "Yeah, clearly since I'm pregnant," which makes me happy for her since her ex had issues with painful erections and therefore would not be in the mood often. She would be in their apartment, attempting to entice him before she would take matters to her vibrator. But it's not like I asked if the orgasms are better or she's getting enough. She barely wanted to talk about it since her sister-in-law had discouraged it the whole night-- which was unfortunate for her bachelorette party and the sex toy representative who did her whole presentation. It was on our minds but to not talk about it--- sucks.
So, yes, I don't know healthy sexual behaviors. My supervisor usually surprises me with facts like married couples usually have sex twice a week and maybe once a week with kids. What, really? This is not in pop culture and I have never heard of such a thing! When I was with Kaze and we were living together, when we didn't feel connected, we didn't have sex for months. It also became difficult for me to have sex the closer it got to me leaving to CT because he wasn't coming with me. So, again, no healthy sexual attitudes for me, which is embarrassing. I want to know that!
On the topic of Kaze, I thought about him the other day. I was thinking about if he had come out here, would we be married. I can see what in the relationship my mom saw and how she thought we'd be together because damn, Kaze loved me hard core. I don't think he'll get over me, even though he's married. But I don't feel I've ever loved and when it comes down to it, the relationship was never going to fulfill my emotional needs. We didn't have that emotional connection. We were like roommates or two ships passing in the night. Although I can appreciate that we had a life together and I was able to have a life separate, neither was the life I wanted. I think deeply, I cared for Kaze and if bad things happened to him, I would feel really sad, even to this day. But that relationship was never going to fulfill my needs. Kaze was there for me financially. And now that I know more about CT, I know he could have gotten a REALLY, REALLY good engineering job with some of the companies here. But he wasn't there in some of the areas I really needed him to be there. Also, at the end of the day, he didn't support me working with kids. I know that we both made jokes about how awful kids were and how we wanted to scream in their faces to tell them that life was too short to be so entitled and to get involved with b.s. But I really think that either, he would have been like coming home to a very needy person, which I don't want to do after working with kids all day, or he would make the scream-in-the-face comment and I wouldn't feel like what I did mattered or that what I did was so frustrating that I shouldn't be doing it-- so in a way, discouraging.
I was listening to Robert Ohotto yesterday and I like that he's a man who talks about how women are devalued because she doesn't feel empowered and she prays to a God, named He, and about the patriarchy. Sometimes when I get deeply into my dislike for the patriarchy, I feel crazy. I feel like I come off crazy. But at the same time, I want men to have equality too. I want men to feel comfortable with their emotions, to feel comfortable with themselves, and to not be considered "gay" if they enter into a mostly female field. Sometimes I really need the good vibes from just hearing about good spirituality. The other thing I like about Robert Ohotto is that he talks beyond "The Secret." He talks about a shadow side and how that can undermine someone's good goals. I was listening to an old podcast and he was talking about how he believes someone's negative vibes can be called a "spell." He talks about past lives and how that can be a part of karma but also, he talks about how it may not matter if a person feels that a karmatic pattern is from this life or a past life. So, nice to hear when I need something to just have good vibes.
Update: As much as I get slightly envious of my friends who are happily married, and the ones who I kinda know are doomed to fail, I know what my passion is-- and that's my work. For example, a few days ago, I bought tickets to some shows in Boston for next weekend. At the end of it, there was a survey with a chance to win some prizes. As I'm going through the prizes, there was a chance to sign up for magazines. I signed up for 4 magazines-- three were related to work. And I'm so excited to get them. I'm like, "YEAH!" I wanted Inc, Money, and I'll try Entrepreneur. And I got Travel and Leisure just to round out the experience. I cannot wait to get them.
I sometimes feel that money is a man's world. But I want to be up and understand it! So, I'm so excited to get Money magazine.
Also, I just posted like 2 minutes ago and already had 5 views by the time I came back to edit. DAMN.
I've ran out of steam. I'll update later.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
6:54 AM
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