It was good

I've been getting at least one reader per day for about a month. The referral sites have been mostly sexy dating sites and I can't figure out why.
I almost posted the entry about my rape on my FB wall. I wanted my mom and brother to read it. I almost talked to my mom about it but her husband's in recovery for his heart surgery and now the recovery is going really slow so, I'm not going to bring it up for now.

Today, I'm glad I didn't because my friend W is on my friend's list still and we're going through some tough times. I think he would know who he is when I write about him. He lent me some money and had talked about taking another trip to Vegas. Then, he cancelled the trip to Vegas. I also was reluctant to go to Vegas for NYE because it's Vegas for NYE. I know lots of people love those type of things but I don't want to be there in my recovery. Plus, the last trip still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. And every time I hang out with W, we go between really funny moments to really serious ones where he's telling me all that I'm doing wrong or trying to find more information about things I don't want to talk about with him.
I talked to my ex, Jeremy, and realized that we are either joking and then talking about either heavy stuff in our lives or just the basic stuff. It doesn't get to the point of being really sad or feel like he's attacking me and my choices. It's why we are still friends. I feel like of all the guys I dated, Jeremy was the one who let me be independent, didn't question my choices, understood me, and let me be. He did the same. He hung out with his friends, did what he had to do for work and school, and it was fine. We broke up because of some concerns I had about his priorities with finances and his health. Even though he is young, he has an old soul and from his old soul, he acts like an old man and he has issues an old man would have like hearing loss. Sometimes his feet or hands would get numb. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was also a big to-do if he came to visit me so I visited him all the time-- and it became a problem on me financially.

I went 9 weeks without sex. W was the last person I had sex with. And this week, when I started letting the week get me down, by all the time I worked and not getting new clients this week, I got caught up with some of my ex boys. Randomly, this guy Ali texted me to say he missed me. He wants to be friends because he's enjoyed my company before and he is not happy with the girls he's been dating. I get it, though, it's a line. And after the restaurant where he works closed for the night, we went in to hang out-------- and ended up having sex. For once in a long time, I felt horny. I haven't been there in a long time-- but I've also been avoiding any situation where that might happened. So, now I'm here. It was good. And yet, it's so who I used to be-- sex without connection. I don't care if I hear from him again. I didn't like him that much when we were dating and I didn't consider him mine. He used to look at girls when we were hanging out or show me pictures he took in New York of pretty girls-- and I would find it interesting. This is not the same for someone I like.
For someone I like, any girl around him is who he's fucking. He's really dating someone else, he just hasn't told me. In reality, I date a lot of guys who select who they like and if it's me, they may not even look at anyone else. They're the type of guy who doesn't get hit on often and if they do, they politely decline. But in my mind, they sleep with everyone. They have someone on the side. They like someone else-- and they're just sorta into me for the time being. And now, writing that out, that's really me. It's my situation. I often date people even though I like about 5 other people and have to give up those crushes or those possible relationships. I've casually dated before and thought that everyone else was dating someone else too-- but it really was most of the time only me who was actually looking at other people and dating them. I don't always know how to decline someone whose interested--- going back to everyone encouraging me to entertain the idea of relationships with men who I am not really interested in. Oh, the lack of voice.

So a few days after Ali, which was a brief interaction, I got a text from my ex, Joe. Joe knows that I've been going through all this stuff about my rape and have been avoiding everyone. But suddenly, I was horny again. And I just on impulse invited him over. And it was more than an hour of amazingness. I was a little different. He wanted to try new things. And it was the comfort of an old lover. I felt sexy and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I continue to go back and forth about "why can't we just be together?" and "I know why."

I'm trying not to beat myself up over my fall off the wagon. I don't want to make it like no big thing-- because that will let me just get to the point where I was before-- sex without respect and the sacredness of sex. Sex without a true love connection. The reason I gave myself before was that I'm not going to find my soul mate so, why not have all this sex? Well, it didn't bring me happiness. It was a cover for loneliness and feeling abandoned. The sex in the moment feels good but the situation doesn't make way for happiness. And that puts me here. I don't want to get so down on myself that I tell myself it doesn't matter and continue the cycle. I want to remind myself that I did this because I was not getting deeply into my creative outlets, I was feeling overwhelmed and I've been wound tight lately. I have tried other things like bath and I have a new journal that allows for artwork every day. But I fell off the wagon. At least it was more than 2 months without sex. In 2010, I gave up sex for Lent and I didn't succeed-- that was only 40 days! I had even thought that God didn't want me to actually give up sex for all that time since he put such a sweet looking guy in front of me. It was probably the devil tempting me and yet, I made the excuse.
I almost feel like I have the status quo of who I am-- anxious, depressed, over thinking things, and yet creative-- and that putting myself in situations where I'm allowed to continue those things-- like with sex without a relationship or love-- that I don't have to change to a better life. I continue to be angry at myself the same way I've always known to be. 

Earlier this week, I wanted to dominate someone. I almost set something up with a friend. He wanted some things that I wasn't comfortable with if I was going to be the dominate one so, I gave it up. I miss my old submissive and let that submissive know that I wanted to talk. We'll talk soon. I have some updates for him. We haven't talked in a while because he wanted me to call him more often and follow through with when I said I would call him but my brain would get all worked up over other things and completely forget that I told him I'd call him. And most nights, I don't mind texting or emailing but talking on the phone is a lot. I just don't want to be bothered. And during the day when I'm free, most of my friends can't talk because of work. ugh.

Thursday night, I went to a poetry reading. I'll be going more often if it's all about the same theme-- the injustices of the white patriarchy. There were two great poets there and they said that they liked my work. OMG, THANK YOU!!!! I was so encouraged and humble and grateful that these two really great poets liked my work! I want to do it again. I think it's more my speed than the game night. The people are intense and clearly doing these things for friendship but also because they love games. And the people there are great except for the guy I got close with-- Justin. Justin used to berate me during games or say really inappropriate things. But what I've been learning lately with reminding my clients of their boundaries is that I can tolerate really bad behavior from people because it's the norm for me.

I guess I should have known that I was not doing well when I wanted someone to dominate but I thought and hoped it had gotten out of my system. I guess I haven't talked about it much but a friend got me into financial domination and I really like it. I have some male friends who know I do this and they are happy to oblige when I have the need for it. It's really nice. I tell them they have a small dick or let them touch my feet and then I get money. It's a simple exchange. No sex. I am still learning how to do it. I was going to have my friend open a credit card for me under his account-- and to put money in my account so that I know he's submissive to me and if he didn't do it correctly, I was going to tell his friends about it. And in the end, he wanted me to give him a hand job to seal the deal and I refused. I want sex to be sacred. There's something about it that makes me feel really sexy and powerful. But when my friend wanted the sex part, I was not OK with that. This is sexy and powerful by humiliation and money without sex. It's what I like about it. I know it's taken me a long time to understand it but I do like it when it's done nicely. I've never met the man who has been my submissive for at least 10 years. We used to talk about him coming down to San Diego to clean my apartment in a maid's outfit but I wasn't really into it then. We met on some dating site when I was looking to date women. I've seen pictures. He's hot. But I like the distance. He's talked about going farther like going furniture shopping together where I basically act like a queen and say, "You're getting me that," "I want that," and he just does it. I think of it like this-- if men feel that their value is from money, then I can make them feel vulnerable and raped if I take their money. It's a power trip-- just like rape. I know this is a by product of my situation but it definitely feels good. I only do it with men who approach me first about it. I don't like to approach boyfriends or what not about it because I'm still learning and I feel that as long as I'm not exchanging sex with these other men then it doesn't matter to my relationships if I continue to do this. Plus, the submissive likes it when I taunt him with things like, "I'm going to take my boyfriend out on a date and you're going to pay for it because you're a pathetic little man whose lucky to have me in his life." I also think of it as putting the angry/mean part of me into someone who likes it. It's really weird to write about it but it's better for my recovery if I do talk and write about these things. If I keep it a secret then it seems shameful that I'm doing it.

I'm reading Revolution from Within and I'm getting really into it. It's almost an easy read but it's making a lot of sense for me. But I left it at the office and I'm not sure if I'll be able to pick it up so I picked out a few books I can read while working at the group home-- either the book about pagans (which is good for this time of year and what I wanted to read to help an associate understand pagans better as she is identifying as one now) or "Joyful Wisdom" because the introduction was about "The age of Anxiety" and I definitely feel that.

I feel like poetry gives me a voice.
I told the guy in his 50's that I was not interested in seeing him romantically but as a friend. It was right after he told me he wants to see me more often to get to know me better. I couldn't go on pretending I was OK.
I told my friend W that I would be planning to do other things on NYE without him-- although I didn't bring it up in quite the right way so now the money that I borrowed, he wants it back.
I still worry I'll be just floating along-- and so I tried to get a deferment for my student loans. It's the second time I've had to do it but I feel good about it. I haven't had to do it in 2 years. The payments were manageable and now they're not. I only have 3 payments left on my car. I think I had a 4 or 5 year loan and once this all gets done, I will have paid off my car in 3.5 years-- which is both good and bad. Good for me and my credit but slightly bad for my credit because banks like to know that they'll get the most out of you being a customer and if you pay it off early, they don't have the chance to screw you more. Oh, credit. 

I better get going. I've ran out of steam.