My Brain

It's after 6 a.m. and my brain is keeping me awake, trying to get me to write a blog post.
First, I will take pictures of the artwork I made a few weeks ago.
Second, I got into poetry night again. And it reminds me why I started it. It's a voice for me and understanding. It seems like this group talks about some of the injustices they see in the world and that's where I'm coming from. A few weeks ago, a poet named Midnight did some really amazing poetry about love amongst other serious topics. The poetry night has me writing and thinking of poetry again. It's nice to have that outlet.
This weekend, I attended two concerts in Boston and stayed at my friend's house. I was honest with myself and really wanted to spend time with my friend and the guy I liked/used to like. My friend had a party and I decided to attend a concert. it's what I was looking forward to do and I know she would be distracted by others.
The first concert was amazing. I even got pulled on stage for wearing Day of the Dead make up. The second one had a lot of complications and by the end of the night, I was happy to get back to my friend's place.
Saturday, I decided to meet with another friend in the Boston area- my ex actually. And we had lunch and I stayed until the concert started because it was a 10 minute walk from his place. He got a last minute gig that night. He had hinted at lunch that he was using me as a stress release and I thought we were just enjoying each other's company but he expected a continuation of July, where we had a week of sex on his vacation from work. So, I listened to him bitch, we watched movies and cuddled, which is all I want right now. He tried to get me in the mood in the usual ways and I just couldn't. He didn't get my motor running. I think I was also stressed about make up, the concert, tony getting there for the concert and doing his make up, and all of that. And I had stayed up late the night before. At one point, I fell asleep.
I think my friend's house is haunted. I woke up early, thinking I had heard a little girl's voice say, "I can't."
Things are relatively chill at his place with about 7 or 8 roommates so when he left with his sister, I sat around talking with his roommates and listening to Beats Antique, who I was seeing that night. And his roommate has some amazing mental health care/ support staff job that is completely different from the experience I had while working at the mental hospital.
I drank before the concert. And during the concert, a girl came up to me before Tony came, and just talked to me about drugs and her love of the belly dancer with the band. I found it odd because I feel so square. According to her, she was really high. And I couldn't understand why she'd want to be really drunk, high on pot and do cocaine. It's just weird. I also think it's low class but I know some rich people have drug problems too. I just don't understand it. But then I think about it-- oh yeah, issues. I've found this life is pretty damn amazing sober so, I don't get away from it too often.
So, she was a bit annoying and doing drugs. Eh. I thought she was looking to steal or sleep with me. I think it would be nice to be with a girl but in this case, no. I don't have anything to offer- like drugs.
Once Tony got there, this chick wasn't having it and she left. I saw her skipping and smiling with some other chick. She was also getting to that freak out stage in getting high so I was glad she left.
My car got blocked in at my ex's house so I wasn't able to drive it home. I also almost had a crying fit earlier in the day because I couldn't get over the bridge to my ex's place from harvard square. He nicely guided me through, like he did before. So, I was able to get to his neighborhood, which I know better.
I got back to my friend's place and a lot of her friends were still there, including the guy I liked, who I had been texting to say if I was on my way or not. I know that he had to take public transit and was surprised he didn't so, I kind of thought he might be around to spend the night or spend some time talking. He avoided me. He was up and about with everyone else, which I hadn't got to see before. And I saw what a jerk he could be. But I found out later, he was fairly drunk. Crazy. So, he left and my friend's husband was finally back after some upset that happened before I got there. Found out later, he does this when he blacks out and denies what happened. When my friend's husband came back, the friends searching for him came back too. And then I couldn't get away from the curse of venus. The guy I liked had a roommate. I think the roommate was hitting on me, awkward. And there were lots of people who thought they had met me before but probably had just seen some photos with my friend or on her facebook.
I sat down in a chair and eventually, two guys sat down on either side-- a long time friend of my friend on my left and my friend's brother-in-law on the right. Both talked and flirted nonstop. After an hour, listening to both of them go on, I went to bed. I even got testy because of the whole day's events and not just what was happening then but took it out right there. I reached my tolerance. But I have to say, it's also that I haven't been hit on that hard in a long time. And the constant noise just wasn't my thing.
The brother-in-law reminded me of guys I had dated before. They have low self-esteem but are attracted to me and feel some self-esteem by holding my interest. But they like to be the center of attention and get upset when they're not. It creates drama.
The life long friend of my friend was just too much immaturity for me. He made butt sex jokes and just some other jokes I wasn't too keen on. But when I left to take my face paint off, he came to find me to talk. It was nice but I was a little put off by it.
After I had went to the guest bedroom, maybe 30 minutes later, he was in there, "lost." He said he was going to sleep on the floor and then got on top of the covers. He started talking, mostly asking questions. And in the brief interactions, he came up with some theories of who I am, which were fairly accurate. Scary. And then asked to cuddle. He told me he really was compelled to make out with me, which we eventually got to. He was all about the compliments, which were more than just "wow, you're pretty." It was "I find you beautiful," "I want to know more," etc. First, I was not impressed with him. Second, I know my friend slept with him a few years ago and I've always tried to avoid any drama with past feelings. And third, I'm still working on overcoming my sex addiction and finding healthy sex. So, I felt awkward that this is the second friend of this friend who has liked me. It feels weird, like this friendship most likely will be effected by this in some way, just like how I avoided parties after my ex and I broke up-- even though I  usually blamed money-- but that's a whole other story with my friend R.
I kept hearing my intuition say not to have sex with this guy and I didn't. But when another friend walked in the room in the late morning, we looked like we were in a comprimising position, just cuddling. And the friend made it clear, he spent the night on the couch and heard us talking into the early morning and then woke up to us talking, as if we talked all night. We slept for a few hours. And the guy who liked me made it clear to me, he was very interested in me.
At some point in the night, the guy told me he loved me. I don't know if it was rum, he hadn't been near a girl in a while, or if he was saying it in some attempt to have sex, but it was weird. I didn't discourage it, just ignored it until I brought it up later. He said he didn't know what I was talking about but later admitted that he had said it. I just told him, "I guess when you know, you know."
It was cute to see him vulnerable- asking for cuddles and saying he wasn't acting as his friend's expected.
A few things I do like about him- he's an engineer (and I know how to talk to engineers and like them better than most people), he owns his own business, he also works a second job and worries about bills, and he was willing to be vulnerable in a sweet way. But, some of the stories I've heard make him sound like an asshole, he acts immature around his friends, he's Atheist, and he reminds me of my ex, Adam, who was usually in some intelligence contest with me about who knew more studies in psychology-- and it wasn't him. Adam tapped in to some highly feminine energy within himself, which came out as flamboyant at times but he just really accepted this side of him. If his ego gets hurt, though, he attempts to balance himself out. I heard one time after he was rejected, he walked around without his t-shirt on. He also disappeared and lost his phone one of the last time I saw him and he had insisted we sleep together. You know, I've been down this road before and no....
So, I'm reluctant about all these things with my friend's life long friend-- let's call him Russ. I know I should have done that before but I'm doing it now. I told him about liking the other guy, but didn't use his name, and Russ seemed ok with it. Not sure if that's true but it'll be fine for now.
The guy I liked stopped by to pick up his coat late Sunday night. He did the same thing as the night before, ignored me. I called him out. He was not happy that I did that at my friend's house with them in earshot. I forgot he's private. But later we agreed that we like each other but our past is just not good and it prevents us from being right for each other. The distance doesn't help either. I wish I had more control over my emotions with him. When I see him or talk about him, my stomach sinks and suddenly I have to use the restroom. If I talk about him or like now, write about him, my stomach becomes so upset that I fart. It's so uncomfortable. Sometime I'm naseaus. My hands become clammy. My head gets into a tizzy. I can't think straight. My body becomes tense. My throat dries. Last night, I was holding my feet- something I recently noticed I do when I'm anxious with company. I felt fine after going to the bathroom. But at the end of the night, I was disappointed and that's when I let him know. I just wanted him to say, "yes, I'm not interested. I've been doing everything I can to avoid you and I don't want to talk about this now. Good-bye."
But obviously we talked. And I feel fine. But I feel like it would be easy for my friends to see that hours earlier, I was with Russ, flirting and being affectionate. And then demanding that this other guy tell me he's not interested. It seems like some player moves I used to do.
I reflected on it more as my mind wouldn't let me sleep past 6:30 this morning and had been bothering me since 5:30, replaying and thinking. And I guess I'm used to other girl friends. R would have probably said something to me now about either Russ or having concerns about my player ways that seem to come up. But those times are usually only reserved for when the girl friend is friends with the guy of interest. R has supported me when I was dating Tim off and on, even though I think she met him all of twice and he wasn't/isn't that talkative. Those talks sometimes come when the girl friend has met the guy and doesn't like him. So, in other words, I thought my friend would take a moment to discourage me and seem upset with me. But this friend isn't like that usually. If she has her reservations, she might let me figure out what the person is like anyway and come to my own conclusion, which is nice but disorienting. I'm just worried that underneath it all, she's really upset and I don't know so, our friendship could me on the line and I wouldn't know. I guess it's so different that I just don't know how to act so, I'm anxious and scared. But I'm realizing this is probably what guys go through when they date me. I was very reluctant to say it for a long time but I'm not a typical girl so, my reactions are not those of a typical girl so, this is what it's like on their end. Damn. But I'm upfront most of the time and I'm guessing it's alarming. But at times, I don't care, I.e. Ali. Ali can do what he wants. When he looks at other girls, I think that he's at least honest and the girls he checks out are pretty. But I think he doesn't know what to do when I laugh instead of get offended when he does it. The thought has passed my mind sometimes of maybe marrying him. I am not emotionally involved so, maybe i'd have some sort of good relationship. I don't care if he sees other people and for the most part, I most likely won't see other people, I might get bored or something and go to someone else occasionally. But what does it matter. This has made me think that I just really want the paper to say I'm married but don't want a relationship. I'm examining what it means to have the paper.
On other notes, I slept with a local musician a year ago. At the time, I had been rejected and my prospects looked disappointing. When I see him now, I get high off of his good vibes and his music is good. I love his voice. So, I texted messaged to say I had a dream about him- no other details and honestly, not a sex dream. And he says his girlfriend got upset. Ok, what about the girls on FB who say they love you? I feel like if he wanted his space, then he could have told me, it didn't have to involve his girlfriend. I got the sense that he is actually worried about it working out so, he wants to bolster it now. And I figured out he had a girlfriend, he hasn't winked too often in his texts, like he used to. I also think he wanted to use her as an excuse so he didn't have to take responsibility. But I also wonder if he gave a look, if he didn't say something to reassure her that he wasn't interested in me and did not have feelings for me. Or maybe he said we slept together last year and we are ok with the situation, no harm/ no foul but she got upset.
I was mad for maybe two or three weeks. I have been assuring myself that I really don't care to be in this drama and that I need to give it time. His phone number was taken out of my phone. My psychic friend said he'd contact me but he's not that type of person. I wonder, too, if this was his way of creating a stronger emotional bond between us, because let's face it, I was really upset. But I wonder if it's a karmatic pattern. He's acting similar to Kaze- pushing me away to focus more on his one and only- to make sure she's the only. But I really don't know.
Last night, my friend Frank was checking in with me about an issue with dating. He stopped a guy from barebacking him and was shocked that the guy didn't ask about HIV status. This brought up a life long issue for me. I worry about my status. I don't stand up for myself, don't always ask questions, don't always insist on condom use, and even get frustrated when a guy has to look or leave to get condoms. I worry that when I have a cold, it's really HIV, mouth sores- AIDS. I also worry that my insides are really torn apart from when I was raped in Florida and because I didn't say anything to my gyno, she doesn't look for it. But I've seen videos of what a healthy gyno exam looks like to the gyno and she would see it. They see the walls when the go in so, she would know.
In one of my poems, I called my brother a drunk. Although I know this is true, it makes me uncomfortable. It's like I'm revealing family secrets. It's like I am doing wrong by them if they knew I said that.
I'm out of steam. Till next time.

Later:
I've gone back and forth about meeting with the guy I used to like. I guess it comes down to whether I think it would be a productive outing and if I would do it for anyone else. Right now, no, but I don't have the finances to head up to Boston all the time. If I did, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal because I would be up there anyway so it would just be an added bonus if we got to hang out and talk about everything like we have in the past.

Joe came by my house today. He told me he drove past. I wasn't home and wasn't going to be home for a while, until after he had to sleep so, I wasn't interested.
I talked to my friend Lucius today and he was encouraging but he's also celibate and I'm not sure if he has healthy sexual boundaries either.
I'm gearing up to head to New Haven with John tomorrow to meet Lucius and go over things for the nonprofit like mission statements and laws. It'll be interesting. Maybe this is my board and that's what will be what it is. I did contact the mayor where I live and he and some of the other staff are thinking of people who might be interested in joining a nonprofit board that helps people to get money for therapy and supplies.
And I've gone into business mode so I'm going to go on to what I have to do or I'm going to rest. Either one works. LOL.