Oh What
I'm watching all these depressing movies the last few days. All I really want to do is to stop watching TV for Lent-- and that's all I can focus on having in the background.
I wonder if I'm depressed and that's why I'm suddenly attracted to these movies. I am planning some cool stuff but I don't want to do things this week.
I realized my supervisor is one of those people who will always take credit for my success-- and damn if I'm not grateful that he even gives me the opportunity to work. I'm so done with all the negativity.
I worry about having a long term relationship. When I was with Kaze, I was strong. I liked other guys. I was worried about that but I remember that someone told me that it was OK to like other people. I just felt that it was best for me to act on it and it was really tough not to. Once I could accept it, I was better. I didn't cheat on him sexually till the end. Now, in the mean time, I kissed two boys and hated it but as far as I'm considered, for 5 years, that's not bad.
At the time, I had a crazy ex. I could push him away. Joe isn't crazy. He just isn't ready for a relationship and I'm ambivalent about one with him. Then, there's this sweet guy, JZ, whose in it for us. And I just can't guarantee that if Joe showed up at my place or I saw him while I was out that I would be strong enough.
Oh, you know, it's almost my period. This is just my brain playing tricks on me. Sometimes I do feel like JZ is so great and that I have to push through my stuff. I sometimes wonder what I will tell his friends about us-- since they knew that it wasn't official for a long time. I had stuff that I wanted to get through. I wish I didn't have to maintain sobriety from sex addiction every day. I wish there was a time, like there has been, when it hasn't been on my mind. The last two days, I just keep thinking of sex and weakness and all this crap.
A wedding magazine was sent to the house. I found it weird. It was the correct address, just not anyone who lives in the house. Maybe someone sent it as a gift. I'm not sure. But it makes me think that men are really not that involved in weddings-- and how flowery they can be. But you know, they don't have to be. I realized a few weeks ago I like the ideas of weddings, not marriage. I'm afraid of marriage-- mostly because I don't think it'll happen for me. And even if it does, I feel so badly that I can't guarantee my faithfulness. I wish I could.
I asked God for strength today because it seems like I just was not grounded. I wonder if it's because I was around W this past weekend. At the same time, W and I are doing well but he still says things and does things that I think are manipulative. And at the end of the trip, he said he was happy to be home. Weird. I guess he doesn't feel that way often. He claims that he hasn't judged me for always going down to see JZ but I feel that he does. I get the sense that W is thinking, "Why are you going down there all the time? If he cared about you, he would come up." JZ does care about me and I'm tired of getting defensive about this. W also didn't know that people wanted him out of my life but I slipped a few times and said that people did. He asked who-- are you fucking kidding me, asking me who. It doesn't fucking matter who wanted you out of my life! I also said that JZ came up for NYE-- something that W had been overzealously trying to plan for me-- including taking me to Vegas to meet his friend, taking me to CA, coming here to take me to the casino. I wanted a low key thing at my friend's house in Boston, WITHOUT W. He was so hurt. I thought that he was still going to Vegas-- and that's not my fucking scene. I just made him believe that all I wanted to do was be alone. It might have even caused a migraine that night as I wanted to go but felt guilty and I'm so tired of feeling guilty. I felt like I couldn't say no without pissing him off. And you know, that's not a fucking friendship. But we're in a better place now but I have to constantly put up boundaries. I have to make decisions that are for me. And I'm really looking forward to not seeing him. We're fine as friends at a distance.
It's been a month. I want my ex.
And then I feel single sometimes. I want to look up other exes online to talk to them. I thought about Erik L. He's up in Vermont but he was one of the nicest guys. He tried to protect me from his own crap and I felt I did something wrong, even though I didn't. I just wanted to be with him. I wish we could talk. I wish we could have talked more before he moved. I think I found him on Facebook before and he's with someone. I just want to talk. I don't even know what's driving this. It's like I still want to know that there are other options and that I can go to those other options.
The guy that I was so infatuated with last year--- my psychic friend told me that he was my soul mate. OK. Well, my soul mate isn't ready for me. He's not mature enough for me. And honestly, I don't see it working out. He was already freaking out on me over nothing. I couldn't redeem myself. But I wonder, what would he do if he knew I didn't have sex for 2 months in waiting for him? What would happen if I could have seen him as a person instead of an intelligent guy who was good in bed-- oh yes, and he kindly took me on a date? I actually didn't want the date. I just wanted him, in bed, only. And you know that's not really fair. But I still wonder who he's dating and who he's fucking and if we could fuck again.
Nick is getting married. He was also a great guy. I seriously dated him in a time when I wasn't dating anyone seriously. But I hurt him and I wish I could redeem myself, let him know that I've changed that he's a good person even though I cheated on him-- I was the messed up person, not him. But there's no chance of that now. He has a really strong and great relationship and it only comes after years of dating that he's getting married, which seems like the thing to do for the situation-- it only comes naturally.
I wonder with life being so short if it's worth being in a long term relationship. My mood changes. My life changes. I have big plans for my career. I'll probably travel a lot at some point. So, I wonder if marriage is realistic for me. I want a long term relationship but I also want to fuck around. But I've been fucking around, had lots of people in my vagina and it wasn't as great as I would have wanted. It was a confusing time-- of wanting and not wanting and not caring about others, which hurt those who grew to care for me. I want to be present in life, not worry so much about what is not in my life and who I'm not with.
UGH!
I wonder if I'm depressed and that's why I'm suddenly attracted to these movies. I am planning some cool stuff but I don't want to do things this week.
I realized my supervisor is one of those people who will always take credit for my success-- and damn if I'm not grateful that he even gives me the opportunity to work. I'm so done with all the negativity.
I worry about having a long term relationship. When I was with Kaze, I was strong. I liked other guys. I was worried about that but I remember that someone told me that it was OK to like other people. I just felt that it was best for me to act on it and it was really tough not to. Once I could accept it, I was better. I didn't cheat on him sexually till the end. Now, in the mean time, I kissed two boys and hated it but as far as I'm considered, for 5 years, that's not bad.
At the time, I had a crazy ex. I could push him away. Joe isn't crazy. He just isn't ready for a relationship and I'm ambivalent about one with him. Then, there's this sweet guy, JZ, whose in it for us. And I just can't guarantee that if Joe showed up at my place or I saw him while I was out that I would be strong enough.
Oh, you know, it's almost my period. This is just my brain playing tricks on me. Sometimes I do feel like JZ is so great and that I have to push through my stuff. I sometimes wonder what I will tell his friends about us-- since they knew that it wasn't official for a long time. I had stuff that I wanted to get through. I wish I didn't have to maintain sobriety from sex addiction every day. I wish there was a time, like there has been, when it hasn't been on my mind. The last two days, I just keep thinking of sex and weakness and all this crap.
A wedding magazine was sent to the house. I found it weird. It was the correct address, just not anyone who lives in the house. Maybe someone sent it as a gift. I'm not sure. But it makes me think that men are really not that involved in weddings-- and how flowery they can be. But you know, they don't have to be. I realized a few weeks ago I like the ideas of weddings, not marriage. I'm afraid of marriage-- mostly because I don't think it'll happen for me. And even if it does, I feel so badly that I can't guarantee my faithfulness. I wish I could.
I asked God for strength today because it seems like I just was not grounded. I wonder if it's because I was around W this past weekend. At the same time, W and I are doing well but he still says things and does things that I think are manipulative. And at the end of the trip, he said he was happy to be home. Weird. I guess he doesn't feel that way often. He claims that he hasn't judged me for always going down to see JZ but I feel that he does. I get the sense that W is thinking, "Why are you going down there all the time? If he cared about you, he would come up." JZ does care about me and I'm tired of getting defensive about this. W also didn't know that people wanted him out of my life but I slipped a few times and said that people did. He asked who-- are you fucking kidding me, asking me who. It doesn't fucking matter who wanted you out of my life! I also said that JZ came up for NYE-- something that W had been overzealously trying to plan for me-- including taking me to Vegas to meet his friend, taking me to CA, coming here to take me to the casino. I wanted a low key thing at my friend's house in Boston, WITHOUT W. He was so hurt. I thought that he was still going to Vegas-- and that's not my fucking scene. I just made him believe that all I wanted to do was be alone. It might have even caused a migraine that night as I wanted to go but felt guilty and I'm so tired of feeling guilty. I felt like I couldn't say no without pissing him off. And you know, that's not a fucking friendship. But we're in a better place now but I have to constantly put up boundaries. I have to make decisions that are for me. And I'm really looking forward to not seeing him. We're fine as friends at a distance.
It's been a month. I want my ex.
And then I feel single sometimes. I want to look up other exes online to talk to them. I thought about Erik L. He's up in Vermont but he was one of the nicest guys. He tried to protect me from his own crap and I felt I did something wrong, even though I didn't. I just wanted to be with him. I wish we could talk. I wish we could have talked more before he moved. I think I found him on Facebook before and he's with someone. I just want to talk. I don't even know what's driving this. It's like I still want to know that there are other options and that I can go to those other options.
The guy that I was so infatuated with last year--- my psychic friend told me that he was my soul mate. OK. Well, my soul mate isn't ready for me. He's not mature enough for me. And honestly, I don't see it working out. He was already freaking out on me over nothing. I couldn't redeem myself. But I wonder, what would he do if he knew I didn't have sex for 2 months in waiting for him? What would happen if I could have seen him as a person instead of an intelligent guy who was good in bed-- oh yes, and he kindly took me on a date? I actually didn't want the date. I just wanted him, in bed, only. And you know that's not really fair. But I still wonder who he's dating and who he's fucking and if we could fuck again.
Nick is getting married. He was also a great guy. I seriously dated him in a time when I wasn't dating anyone seriously. But I hurt him and I wish I could redeem myself, let him know that I've changed that he's a good person even though I cheated on him-- I was the messed up person, not him. But there's no chance of that now. He has a really strong and great relationship and it only comes after years of dating that he's getting married, which seems like the thing to do for the situation-- it only comes naturally.
I wonder with life being so short if it's worth being in a long term relationship. My mood changes. My life changes. I have big plans for my career. I'll probably travel a lot at some point. So, I wonder if marriage is realistic for me. I want a long term relationship but I also want to fuck around. But I've been fucking around, had lots of people in my vagina and it wasn't as great as I would have wanted. It was a confusing time-- of wanting and not wanting and not caring about others, which hurt those who grew to care for me. I want to be present in life, not worry so much about what is not in my life and who I'm not with.
UGH!
posted by PandoraAphroite at
9:54 AM
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