New Guy and Old Stuff
I started dating someone new right around the first of December. He was at my old hang out in New Haven. He was nice, bought me a drink and couldn't stay since he was getting up early. I thought that was sweet. Most guys will keep buying drinks till they feel they might be able to get some sex. He wasn't like that at all. He said he didn't even think about sex until about the 2nd or 3rd date because he wanted to get to know me. I don't know why some one would say that unless they really did think that way. Most guys will definitely tout that they thought about sex immediately and looked at my body to check me out. So, it's nice that he wants to make it a point to say he didn't think about sex right away.
I told my friend J about it, the older guy I hang out with. He was pissed, kept repeating that I needed to watch out and then compared me to his ex wife. I just wanted to know what he thought I needed to watch out for. He didn't have a clear answer so I knew it was jealousy, which he later admitted to. But just the other day, he drove to a sweat lodge with me, two friends and my new guy. Well, afterward, he wanted to tell me repeatedly, again, that the new guy was just too into his band. What is the new guy really going to talk about? He doesn't have much going on at work as an HVAC-- just houses that he works on. He doesn't talk too much about drinking at bars. So, he talks about the band. It makes me wonder if I really take him seriously. I guess I don't. I've known lots of people in bands. If they don't have a manager, I really question whether they want to make it or if they want to have staying power. Most bands just don't have staying power. So, it's a "for now" thing; just like the drinking. He's 5 years younger than me.
What I like about the new guy, JZ, is that he is very emotionally stable and patient. He's seen me get frustrated a few times-- once on New Years when I had a migraine and we couldn't go out the way we wanted to and once when we were climbing a ladder and I got a little scared. He even let me go on and on about my friend Tony around New Years because it was last New Year's Eve that Tony wasn't honest with me or his girlfriend, causing insecurity with his girlfriend and for our friendship to be non-existent this last year. We've seen each other very rarely. But JZ has been wonderful about it. I've been very surprised by his reactions.
There's still my ex, Joe, who I still fuck with and who is around sometimes. Every time I get a text message from him, I get so excited and nervous that I have to go to the bathroom. My body reacts pretty strong to him, in other words. And he's good in bed.
JZ and I have gone to bed a few times and he always asks, "Do you want to start?" He is a bit inexperienced, which wears on me. In general, he's not impressive in bed. He also hasn't even given oral to a girl. UGH. I don't know how to fix this. I wouldn't mind watching movies and listening to vinyl all day and just holding off on the sex most of the time.
So, JZ asked me the other day to be his girlfriend. He had introduced me to someone as his friend. He doesn't really have another name for me. I am his friend, his love interest. I told him that I couldn't-- not while I'm struggling with sex addiction, not while I still want to be with the guy (Joe) who I've been fucking for the last year because he's good and it's convenient. I told JZ, I don't want to be with Joe but I can't get away from the sex. I don't want to be with anyone else, other than JZ, in a romantic way. But I have some stuff to figure out. It's like I'm waiting for the last high with Joe and then I'd be ready to give him up. But I just don't know if I could give up Joe. I want to know I'm strong in myself and in my relationship to not want Joe. And right now, I get scared that JZ will leave and I won't have Joe anymore either. But I think Joe would be around, it's not like he's going to be with too many other people. And don't you know, JZ took this really well-- I said all of this-- other than who the guy was. And JZ wanted to have sex. I was so surprised and taken back that we did try but it didn't go far since we were not in a place with a bed. My friend Luke told me that this may have been a way to prove to me that he was someone to be desired in bed too. I'm a little disappointed.
I've changed my diet so that I could have less allergies and mental fog. It has made me have the awful rash again. It gets better some days but other days, it's just so bad and I get no relief from it. It's just awful and that's that. I have to pretend like I don't want to just itch and scratch my vagina. If I rub it, it hurts too. It's so annoying. I had this years ago as the excess yeast was dying.
Amazingly, I've been working out since the beginning of December and I started on this diet a little bit before then-- and you know, I haven't lost one pound. Occasionally, I feel like I may have dropped an inch here or there but not one pound. My massage therapist said that I had no hang ups on my muscles. UGH! I feel sore just about every week, I sweat just about every week, and then nothing?! I wish it would just go away! So, I was up the other night and I was having to run to the bathroom every few minutes but not much was coming out but my stomach hurt badly. I put a heating pad on my abdomen and I had a regular time in the bathroom and then went to sleep since I didn't hurt so bad anymore. I tried it again that night and this morning-- just for a few minutes-- and the bowels move just fine. So, I'm hoping that I'll be able to use the fiber as well as the heating pad to move things along. I've been blaming my period for a while about this-- but I don't think I'm holding onto weight because of my period. But every few weeks I go through a week of not having a regular BM, it's all light, nothing really coming out.
There was a scare for a second that I was pregnant but I just had my annual exam in December and nothing. Also, I have a trick. I lay down and cross my legs and hit where my ovaries and cervix is to see if it's hallow-- and it usually is. Not the best way to figure it out but I've been on birth control for a long time too so I know I'm not pregnant. It just crosses my mind-- why do I feel so fat? Why can't I get rid of the weight?
So, I went to a sweat. It was mostly fun. I went on Saturday. It's Wednesday and I'm still sore from sitting that long and from all the detox. It's been interesting. I went over a year ago and it was a better experience but I was drained for about two weeks. And I'm feeling like not really talking to anyone or being around anyone for right now. Then, next week, I go for an intense massage on the muscles around my ovaries. I guess those hold a lot of memories and energy. But it's expected that I get a little emotionally unstable so I may have a break down.
Anyway, I better go.
I'll write later.
I told my friend J about it, the older guy I hang out with. He was pissed, kept repeating that I needed to watch out and then compared me to his ex wife. I just wanted to know what he thought I needed to watch out for. He didn't have a clear answer so I knew it was jealousy, which he later admitted to. But just the other day, he drove to a sweat lodge with me, two friends and my new guy. Well, afterward, he wanted to tell me repeatedly, again, that the new guy was just too into his band. What is the new guy really going to talk about? He doesn't have much going on at work as an HVAC-- just houses that he works on. He doesn't talk too much about drinking at bars. So, he talks about the band. It makes me wonder if I really take him seriously. I guess I don't. I've known lots of people in bands. If they don't have a manager, I really question whether they want to make it or if they want to have staying power. Most bands just don't have staying power. So, it's a "for now" thing; just like the drinking. He's 5 years younger than me.
What I like about the new guy, JZ, is that he is very emotionally stable and patient. He's seen me get frustrated a few times-- once on New Years when I had a migraine and we couldn't go out the way we wanted to and once when we were climbing a ladder and I got a little scared. He even let me go on and on about my friend Tony around New Years because it was last New Year's Eve that Tony wasn't honest with me or his girlfriend, causing insecurity with his girlfriend and for our friendship to be non-existent this last year. We've seen each other very rarely. But JZ has been wonderful about it. I've been very surprised by his reactions.
There's still my ex, Joe, who I still fuck with and who is around sometimes. Every time I get a text message from him, I get so excited and nervous that I have to go to the bathroom. My body reacts pretty strong to him, in other words. And he's good in bed.
JZ and I have gone to bed a few times and he always asks, "Do you want to start?" He is a bit inexperienced, which wears on me. In general, he's not impressive in bed. He also hasn't even given oral to a girl. UGH. I don't know how to fix this. I wouldn't mind watching movies and listening to vinyl all day and just holding off on the sex most of the time.
So, JZ asked me the other day to be his girlfriend. He had introduced me to someone as his friend. He doesn't really have another name for me. I am his friend, his love interest. I told him that I couldn't-- not while I'm struggling with sex addiction, not while I still want to be with the guy (Joe) who I've been fucking for the last year because he's good and it's convenient. I told JZ, I don't want to be with Joe but I can't get away from the sex. I don't want to be with anyone else, other than JZ, in a romantic way. But I have some stuff to figure out. It's like I'm waiting for the last high with Joe and then I'd be ready to give him up. But I just don't know if I could give up Joe. I want to know I'm strong in myself and in my relationship to not want Joe. And right now, I get scared that JZ will leave and I won't have Joe anymore either. But I think Joe would be around, it's not like he's going to be with too many other people. And don't you know, JZ took this really well-- I said all of this-- other than who the guy was. And JZ wanted to have sex. I was so surprised and taken back that we did try but it didn't go far since we were not in a place with a bed. My friend Luke told me that this may have been a way to prove to me that he was someone to be desired in bed too. I'm a little disappointed.
I've changed my diet so that I could have less allergies and mental fog. It has made me have the awful rash again. It gets better some days but other days, it's just so bad and I get no relief from it. It's just awful and that's that. I have to pretend like I don't want to just itch and scratch my vagina. If I rub it, it hurts too. It's so annoying. I had this years ago as the excess yeast was dying.
Amazingly, I've been working out since the beginning of December and I started on this diet a little bit before then-- and you know, I haven't lost one pound. Occasionally, I feel like I may have dropped an inch here or there but not one pound. My massage therapist said that I had no hang ups on my muscles. UGH! I feel sore just about every week, I sweat just about every week, and then nothing?! I wish it would just go away! So, I was up the other night and I was having to run to the bathroom every few minutes but not much was coming out but my stomach hurt badly. I put a heating pad on my abdomen and I had a regular time in the bathroom and then went to sleep since I didn't hurt so bad anymore. I tried it again that night and this morning-- just for a few minutes-- and the bowels move just fine. So, I'm hoping that I'll be able to use the fiber as well as the heating pad to move things along. I've been blaming my period for a while about this-- but I don't think I'm holding onto weight because of my period. But every few weeks I go through a week of not having a regular BM, it's all light, nothing really coming out.
There was a scare for a second that I was pregnant but I just had my annual exam in December and nothing. Also, I have a trick. I lay down and cross my legs and hit where my ovaries and cervix is to see if it's hallow-- and it usually is. Not the best way to figure it out but I've been on birth control for a long time too so I know I'm not pregnant. It just crosses my mind-- why do I feel so fat? Why can't I get rid of the weight?
So, I went to a sweat. It was mostly fun. I went on Saturday. It's Wednesday and I'm still sore from sitting that long and from all the detox. It's been interesting. I went over a year ago and it was a better experience but I was drained for about two weeks. And I'm feeling like not really talking to anyone or being around anyone for right now. Then, next week, I go for an intense massage on the muscles around my ovaries. I guess those hold a lot of memories and energy. But it's expected that I get a little emotionally unstable so I may have a break down.
Anyway, I better go.
I'll write later.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
9:13 AM
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