This is weird.

It's been a while and I've been meaning to update. I have about 20 minutes now.
I feel I'm getting a lot better in my sexual sobriety. I went to a burlesque show and it wasn't what I wanted. I had a crush on one of the performers-- that's HAD a crush. It's no more. She's a better performer than the others and she's usually right on but this time, she wasn't. And it kind of ruins it to be friends with her on facebook, knowing that although her guy is amazing in bed, that he looks like a dick-- and a trashy one at that. Also, before she met him, she was really sad about being single. And that was tough to watch. I get the sense, she's another girl who feels she's nothing without a man. And she can certainly command male attention with her elegance and beauty. It feels different-- and a little weird-- to not appreciate the performances as much as I did in the past. I think that it was because of changing.
I'm also in the mood a little less. And when I'm tired, I let JZ know and he's usually good about being tired at the same time too. We have more to do than be in bed. I really like that we're an active couple.
Last weekend, it came about of how many people we've slept with. His is below 10 and mine is over 50 (I lost count). I'm surprised that he stayed. I think I said it and hope he knows that I've changed from that.
 I was with someone he knows but it was 5 years ago. Funny thing is that I guess the guy told JZ's friend that we were "hanging out" and JZ's friend tried to pull a "I know something you don't know." But since I was honest with JZ, he answered his friend before the friend could answer and it wasn't anything new. Jz's first thoughts were about my health. I have artwork about it-- yes, I worry that each one has left an imprint. But I think with all the new things I've been doing, I am stronger.
The other day, I realized I spend too much time watching TV-- TV with commercials and all. And I sometimes fall asleep to it too. And I'm done with it. I've been putting on music again and records. I also feel like I spend too much time on FB and have been posting less, if at all. I'm on there a little bit more because after deciding these two things and then playing on my phone, my phone went into the toilet and has not yet recovered. So, I'm on FB for the messenger while everything else is out of whack.
I hung up a piece of artwork and luckily, it was posted on FB that there was an issue and the whole show was taken down. So, JZ is picking it up for me.
Also, JZ and I took over a room in his practice space and we have started painting in there. I like that I have a free canvas to paint-- and we can decorate EVERYTHING. I wish I could live in there.
I was reading a book about trauma and recovery so lots of memories came back. It was sometimes difficult to focus on the book because my thoughts were elsewhere. I've been asking myself a lot, "How long can I stay mad at this?" or "How long do I have to stay mad at this?" It's helpful. I'm realizing that I can let the feelings go if I acknowledge why they are there. For example, I was getting worked up about a grade I received from a teacher in college-- and she was mean about it. I keep going over the details-- she had us write something in a week, we were supposed to be experts (and we were in undergrad), I could write a better paper now but I'm not sure if it would be 30 pages, as she wanted, she played favorites, she thought her way was the best, she complained often, that class had awful people in it who were clearly preferred. So why let it stay with me-- it was a hurt to my ego. It was an insult to where I was at the time.

I better go.

Friendships and Toxic Friendships

I've been holding onto this for days. I haven't seen my friend since the last time I saw the guy I really like. She's coming to visit this weekend and I kind of wish some of her friends were coming. I wouldn't put the guy that I like through seeing me with JZ but there is a bit of “this could have been you if you actually liked me,” revenge moment. Instead, I decided my “friendship” with the guy I really liked was toxic and that I don't care what he does. It's great that he's intelligent-- but he can keep it to his friends and circle. Another one of her friends is also on the list of “eh, I can get rid of you once I feel like it.” I have reconsidered this decision many times and can't believe it's only been a year since I met him but I feel that it's great. It's better for the both of us to have awkward interactions, if we are ever in the same place at the same time. Most likely, JZ and I will go to visit my friend when she's not with her other friends, unless it's an occasion for all of us.

Joe and I have talked on and off. There was a day he tempted me but other than that, I am definite in that I will not sleep with Joe ever again. I fantasize about him sometimes when JZ isn't around. It was just that level of comfort and connection that we have. JZ is luckily getting there. I think he was nervous and I don't seem to make him comfortable. Sometimes I forget to watch myself and I'll say things like I didn't use protection sometimes in the last 7 years and it was stupid-- I'm glad I didn't get anything serious. This was right after JZ and I were discussing again to not use condoms. There were so many times I worried I'd never have unprotected sex again and never have kids because I'm so stupid and did these stupid things like unprotected sex. I remember R was unaware that I was having unprotected sex and she said that it was so ridiculous and dangerous to do. I felt awful. Of course, she was a virgin then and she waited till marriage. I remember the girl on the train who talked about her virginity and who noticed my uncomfortableness, said, “And even if you've had sex, you can still change for the better.” I think I had sex with my friend who was with me that night and I was probably drunk.

I did change for the better but I still was having sex with Joe during that year that I was unattached. I still feel like I messed up a possible relationship by being friends and complaining about my friendship with W. I don't think the guy who I really liked was appreciative of it. And I felt that W was manipulative and still is. It seems like he's all about taking days off and going places-- and encouraging me to do the same as if I'm going to get paid. He pays for most things but I still lose money by his insistence on me taking days off. I feel guilty around him and he lies a lot. I also feel entitled around him. It's like, “Don't you notice I like that? Buy it for me,” which is exactly what he did last year except in Vegas. We went to one of the most expensive malls and I was expecting something nice and instead, we walked around. We ran into George Lucas, which was nice but I didn't get anything nice. I thought he was doing it just to be a dick. I'm so glad my interactions with him are limited. I don't think there was any way that I would find him smart. I thought he was just a fuck up sometimes. I hated it the most when he could tell what my intentions were. No, I wasn't interested and I wanted to be. I was trying to force it. I was trying to make a good life for me. But his focus sometimes was only on how I could make money and I feel like I need to go at my own pace and at my own comfort so I blew him off. And I feel like I tried to make him feel wanted because he was so into the mindset that he wasn't wanted-- which given his family life, I understand. But damn, it's time to overcome that shit and stop making it feel like my preferences are a personal attack. I hate feeling like I have to act in a certain way, against my own opinions and preferences, to make sure that someone else's feelings aren't hurt. I feel like that type of mentality goes back to me being blamed for my rapist's actions and for being blamed for patients being dicks-- when you know, I really don't have any control over it. It took me a long time to be strong in that I don't cause people to do terrible things-- I've seem to be blamed for that for a long time.

Sometimes I regret not going back to FL to put in an official report against the guy who raped me there. I only know his first name and where he worked. I feel like I was so stupid and the denial really got me there. I remember my rape counselor getting upset because I didn't say anything about it-- just said that my vacation was fine. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even think about talking about it. I was also embarrassed when she asked me if I was using protection-- and I wasn't. I think about going down to FL sometimes to report it and I think about how the police there would look at me like I was crazy. I fear they'd never find him or find out that he was raping women that took trips with the company. I fear both. I fear that they'd never actually look for him. And again, it's my word against his.

I had a great conversation with two of my high school classmates-- about marriage. One of them has kids, one of them wants kids, and I don't want kids. But it was really nice to talk about it as all of us either are 30 or turning 30 this year-- and heading into a new decade of our lives. I wanted to say that I don't want to have kids but I want to have the option of kids. And I think my friend was stupid for having her first kid when she did. But it's worked out for her. I'm glad for my abortion and I still don't feel that I would be able to take care of a kid financially. At times, I wish there was some thing that I could do like say that my uterus is unable of carrying a pregnancy to term just so that I would feel like I have more to my life than becoming a wife and mother. I remember worrying that if I married Kaze that his family would harass us about having a kid. I remember looking at my friend's marriage and after a year of marriage, she still wasn't pregnant-- and wondering why she would get married without having a kid. It's been 7 years since they were married and still no kids-- that's cool. My friend got married because she was having a kid. It's the same reason my parents got married. I don't know if I want to get married. I definitely want a wedding but I don't want a marriage. I thought that it was because I thought I'd cheat or get bored. But being with Joe has taught me that I don't even think about it but I look at guys sometimes and I say hi but not really flirt at all. I don't want to get married for a purpose-- like because we have kids together. I could have had that with Kaze-- we could have been married and divorced by now-- and I'd probably have a kid. Well, he would probably have custody since I have no interest in sacrificing my work schedule for a kid-- but it would have happened if I stayed. And in writing that last sentence, I realize that it's from the pain of my dad using work as a way to work through grief.

And now, onto the topic of Dad. I have a picture of my ninth or tenth birthday with my dad's worker, Kim, holding me back from a cake with sparklers and my dad in the background on the phone. Really, you couldn't make me important enough to not taking a stupid fucking phone call while people are singing happy birthday? And just the richness and the depth of field in the picture was a good shot. If my mom was taking the picture, it was a good commentary on her part. I'm actually laughing at this. I just imagine this scene-- my mom knowing of my dad's affair, disliking his workaholism. She's behind the camera. She's taking a picture of a cool moment for me-- while for some reason, I've been kept away from a non-dangerous cake. So, there's this picture that captures so much in the family and work dynamic. And what else I notice-- it's at my dad's warehouse (work) and none of my friends are around. Damn, I was isolated. If I stayed home, I wasn't allowed to have my neighborhood friends over. My parents worked till late so, what was I supposed to do? I watched TV, took pictures, read books, and wrote stories. It was that way till high school-- till I could drive. And there are many times when I think about how I didn't have close friends during my time middle school and early high school. I wonder if my parents were aware that isolation was done by them? I couldn't do much. It was why I dated guys with cars so I could be out of the house-- but that didn't work. They'd leave and I'd be home again. I thought my depression and living across town was at fault for me not being close to people-- and I still worried that I'll turn into my parents, not having friends who aren't in some way related to business. And that's why I joined Rotary-- good business people who I don't have to be in business with to know and they're good people so, they will support me through the good and bad. I don't have to be perfect. I can even be opinionated-- and it's appreciated. I get to be around movers and shakers. I LOVE IT! I feel like my parents didn't know how to have friends after a certain point in their lives. They had friends when we were young-- and then suddenly not. Dad went on motorcycle runs and ran with some biker gangs. They had parties with our friends' parents and seemed close to some of them-- while having friends of themselves. Dad even had poker games at the warehouse. And then suddenly, it stopped. I was maybe 9. There weren't parties, no poker games, dad had long given up his motorcycle and didn't get another one till about 2003 or 2005. I don't know what happened to their group of friends. Mom went through lots of friendships and just didn't seem to connect. Dad only had friendships with people he did business with and then, EVERY ONE of them ended the same way-- he felt ripped off by the guy and he'd cut him out. I think he gave some deals and discounts and then asked for some payments and the guys didn't pay. My brother is the same way-- he was close with guys and then suddenly, he felt like the guy did something (and sometimes they did) and they weren't friends. Let's see-- Nick thought that Casey was snotty after barely graduating from high school because Nick went to a continuation school and graduated from there. Ian stopped being Casey's friend after Casey was charged with whatever drug/alcohol he was charged with sometime before age 20. Ian is a lifelong pot smoker and seems unmotivated to do much with his music career. And Bo slept with Casey's girlfriend-- Casey stayed with the girlfriend for a long time until maybe 3 years ago (and she had the audacity to ask to be my friend on FB while wallowing in the wake of my brother's breakup). Bo seemed like a good guy. He was a roommate of my brother's. If it were me, I would have dumped the broad too because her family caused so many headaches for my brother-- not that my brother is innocent, he associates with some awful people. But she was one of the fucking worse. Her brother stabbed Casey and after he let her piece of shit family live with them, her parents let her brother take Casey's big screen TV and what ever other money and precious items he had-- to sell for drugs. There was time when Casey wouldn't even tell her where he lived because of her piece of shit family. That was ridiculous. He took this over Bo.

I'm out of steam. Thanks for reading.