This is weird.
It's been a while and I've been meaning to update. I have about 20 minutes now.
I feel I'm getting a lot better in my sexual sobriety. I went to a burlesque show and it wasn't what I wanted. I had a crush on one of the performers-- that's HAD a crush. It's no more. She's a better performer than the others and she's usually right on but this time, she wasn't. And it kind of ruins it to be friends with her on facebook, knowing that although her guy is amazing in bed, that he looks like a dick-- and a trashy one at that. Also, before she met him, she was really sad about being single. And that was tough to watch. I get the sense, she's another girl who feels she's nothing without a man. And she can certainly command male attention with her elegance and beauty. It feels different-- and a little weird-- to not appreciate the performances as much as I did in the past. I think that it was because of changing.
I'm also in the mood a little less. And when I'm tired, I let JZ know and he's usually good about being tired at the same time too. We have more to do than be in bed. I really like that we're an active couple.
Last weekend, it came about of how many people we've slept with. His is below 10 and mine is over 50 (I lost count). I'm surprised that he stayed. I think I said it and hope he knows that I've changed from that.
I was with someone he knows but it was 5 years ago. Funny thing is that I guess the guy told JZ's friend that we were "hanging out" and JZ's friend tried to pull a "I know something you don't know." But since I was honest with JZ, he answered his friend before the friend could answer and it wasn't anything new. Jz's first thoughts were about my health. I have artwork about it-- yes, I worry that each one has left an imprint. But I think with all the new things I've been doing, I am stronger.
The other day, I realized I spend too much time watching TV-- TV with commercials and all. And I sometimes fall asleep to it too. And I'm done with it. I've been putting on music again and records. I also feel like I spend too much time on FB and have been posting less, if at all. I'm on there a little bit more because after deciding these two things and then playing on my phone, my phone went into the toilet and has not yet recovered. So, I'm on FB for the messenger while everything else is out of whack.
I hung up a piece of artwork and luckily, it was posted on FB that there was an issue and the whole show was taken down. So, JZ is picking it up for me.
Also, JZ and I took over a room in his practice space and we have started painting in there. I like that I have a free canvas to paint-- and we can decorate EVERYTHING. I wish I could live in there.
I was reading a book about trauma and recovery so lots of memories came back. It was sometimes difficult to focus on the book because my thoughts were elsewhere. I've been asking myself a lot, "How long can I stay mad at this?" or "How long do I have to stay mad at this?" It's helpful. I'm realizing that I can let the feelings go if I acknowledge why they are there. For example, I was getting worked up about a grade I received from a teacher in college-- and she was mean about it. I keep going over the details-- she had us write something in a week, we were supposed to be experts (and we were in undergrad), I could write a better paper now but I'm not sure if it would be 30 pages, as she wanted, she played favorites, she thought her way was the best, she complained often, that class had awful people in it who were clearly preferred. So why let it stay with me-- it was a hurt to my ego. It was an insult to where I was at the time.
I better go.
I feel I'm getting a lot better in my sexual sobriety. I went to a burlesque show and it wasn't what I wanted. I had a crush on one of the performers-- that's HAD a crush. It's no more. She's a better performer than the others and she's usually right on but this time, she wasn't. And it kind of ruins it to be friends with her on facebook, knowing that although her guy is amazing in bed, that he looks like a dick-- and a trashy one at that. Also, before she met him, she was really sad about being single. And that was tough to watch. I get the sense, she's another girl who feels she's nothing without a man. And she can certainly command male attention with her elegance and beauty. It feels different-- and a little weird-- to not appreciate the performances as much as I did in the past. I think that it was because of changing.
I'm also in the mood a little less. And when I'm tired, I let JZ know and he's usually good about being tired at the same time too. We have more to do than be in bed. I really like that we're an active couple.
Last weekend, it came about of how many people we've slept with. His is below 10 and mine is over 50 (I lost count). I'm surprised that he stayed. I think I said it and hope he knows that I've changed from that.
I was with someone he knows but it was 5 years ago. Funny thing is that I guess the guy told JZ's friend that we were "hanging out" and JZ's friend tried to pull a "I know something you don't know." But since I was honest with JZ, he answered his friend before the friend could answer and it wasn't anything new. Jz's first thoughts were about my health. I have artwork about it-- yes, I worry that each one has left an imprint. But I think with all the new things I've been doing, I am stronger.
The other day, I realized I spend too much time watching TV-- TV with commercials and all. And I sometimes fall asleep to it too. And I'm done with it. I've been putting on music again and records. I also feel like I spend too much time on FB and have been posting less, if at all. I'm on there a little bit more because after deciding these two things and then playing on my phone, my phone went into the toilet and has not yet recovered. So, I'm on FB for the messenger while everything else is out of whack.
I hung up a piece of artwork and luckily, it was posted on FB that there was an issue and the whole show was taken down. So, JZ is picking it up for me.
Also, JZ and I took over a room in his practice space and we have started painting in there. I like that I have a free canvas to paint-- and we can decorate EVERYTHING. I wish I could live in there.
I was reading a book about trauma and recovery so lots of memories came back. It was sometimes difficult to focus on the book because my thoughts were elsewhere. I've been asking myself a lot, "How long can I stay mad at this?" or "How long do I have to stay mad at this?" It's helpful. I'm realizing that I can let the feelings go if I acknowledge why they are there. For example, I was getting worked up about a grade I received from a teacher in college-- and she was mean about it. I keep going over the details-- she had us write something in a week, we were supposed to be experts (and we were in undergrad), I could write a better paper now but I'm not sure if it would be 30 pages, as she wanted, she played favorites, she thought her way was the best, she complained often, that class had awful people in it who were clearly preferred. So why let it stay with me-- it was a hurt to my ego. It was an insult to where I was at the time.
I better go.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
8:28 AM
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