Good Changes

10/21/15

I have made so many changes in the past few months. I think it has spurred from having a cool past life regression in June. It was an expensive birthday gift to myself. I knew some things had to change. I gave my roommate notice and I found a place in New London. I can't have pets. I think I need to be away from pet owning for a while since my roommate was so crazy. She was at least a normal person for the most part but the animal collection and the Republican values were odd. She was very judgmental.

I am so glad to have my own place. I have my own space, my artwork is around me, and everything I have is mine. Nothing is moved. Nothing more is asked of me than just to hang out at home. I put the limitations on myself. I enjoy it.

I paid for a vacation for myself. Usually, I ask my dad for money. After many years of a terrible relationship, I have decided to not talk to him. I sent him a text message to tell him that I would not talk to him. I also told him that I would change my name. He didn't respond. My decision has made my mom very upset. At the same time, she told my brother also to not talk to my dad. To me, she tells me to ask my dad for money, to call to make sure he received my text message, and just totally invalidates my feelings. She hasn't acknowledged that this is a good thing. I know where it comes from-- she doesn't like that she made a mistake by marrying him and having kids with him. I feel like any one who has known me knows that it has been difficult with my dad for a long time. In the past when I have decided not to talk to him, if only for a month, my friends have been very supportive. One of my longest known friends didn't know why I talked to my dad after I knew he tried to kill my mom. You know, I don't know either and I don't have to talk to him. I struggled with it for a long time and while on my trip, suddenly, it had worked itself out. I am happy not talking to him. I can live my life without having to talk to him. I had to work through that he might die in the time when I'm not talking to him but I have come around to feel ok with this. I didn't want to attend his funeral anyway. He doesn't hang around good people either.

The trip was actually very nice. I had down time. I went hiking, saw local sites including a castle, ate great food, and had a great last day which included zip lining and doing an obstacle course in trees. The air was so clean. My friend provided just about everything. She went overboard. It was great.

In therapy the other day, I realized that my mom didn't believe that I was raped. I think this was one of the reasons why she didn't want me to come forward, she didn't want me to go to the police, and why the police and others didn't believe me either. My friend in Italy has known me for many years. She asked me about the rapes and how they were dealt with. She was horrified that my family reacted so terribly. I started to think, “What would I do if I had a 13 year old daughter who told me she had sex? Or if I heard rumors the same way that my mom did?” Well, I've had my experience so I'd talk to her. I'd probably already tell her things as she was growing up--- to know her bodies, her feelings. Most of all, if she had sex, I'd want to know if she was with someone her own age or if she was with someone older. If she was with someone older, I don't think there would be a doubt in my mind to tell the police, even if she pleaded with me not to. I would probably have to give her one of the, “Listen, I care about you. This is tough for me to do but I feel it's best for the situation” or “One day, you'll understand this better.” If she had siblings, we'd talk about this, either at the table or privately. This would be a family issue. It would be dealt with as a family. Instead, my family went on and I was treated like I was crazy when he came over to hang out with my brother.

It has been very helpful to talk to Evan about these things. He told me that Kirk wasn't really a friend of his and that Kirk stole from his family. It was helpful for me to hear that Evan didn't hang around him because he idolized him (like I think everyone else in the stupid town did) nor did Evan talk about me and Kirk. He didn't like Kirk. In fact, he barely remembered him. I feel like the story that I had about Evan wasn't as clear to me as what he made it to be. My brother called Evan a pedophile and harassed him about a small age difference between us (you know, when that was important). Evan, like many others, liked my energy and remembers the good things. Evan had some trouble dating and eventually became hard to the world and dating. He, in fact, still is upset and not dating right. He is living with his baby's mama and doesn't feel that he can leave or have a side chick because others in town would eventually know. There's some comfort in me, knowing that it was tough for him too without having such serious things happen to him. I guess I've always thought I would be better if this didn't happen to me-- that I'd have trust and strong relationships. But I could have ended up just the same, even if I wasn't raped. My family is who they are, anyway. I know I have picked up bad habits from them. And I continually tell myself that I'm the perpetual single friend to all my friends who are now married or in long term relationships.

It's taken a while but I haven't had sex in a month. I went a bit crazy about a month ago. I was dating someone and he told me he went home with a woman and he said nothing happened. Nothing in the situation sounded right but I realized I'm a side chick. I have no leg to stand on if he sleeps with someone else or if he spends time with his gf/ex gf on the weekends. He's a good friend and we hang out but I'm not having sex with him again. In the same couple of days where I was pissed, my dad called me. He was critical of me for not being up at 8 in the morning my time since it meant he was calling at 5 am his time. I told him I drank whiskey and was tired. I went back to sleep. I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling. The guy I had been dating called me and took the brunt of some angry words. He has been very sweet since then and he's been very understanding but I think what I said was mean and uncalled for. I didn't want to talk to him while I was so pissed and I hate that he's so understanding that I was so pissed. I want him to tell me that I was a fucking psycho and that I have no reason to be pissed off about what he said. UGH! I have been working on feelings in therapy and I have come to the realization that one of the most damaging beliefs I have is that I don't have the right to feel what I feel. I also tell myself that feelings are display weakness. I hope eventually I can be OK with him being OK with my anger. I really didn't want him to be a part of it. I wanted to sit with it for a couple of days and figure it out for myself. I hope his acceptance helps me with my acceptance.

After all that, I fucked 3 guys that weekend. I'm so embarrassed. Again, another thing the guy that I had been dating was super chill about hearing about. I actually can't remember the second guy I had sex with. I think it was my friend Jason but I'm not sure. One was a guy I knew from a few day before that. I stopped in the middle of having sex with him because I felt conflicted. We talked and I told him that he should have sex with someone who wanted to have sex with him. He asked if more was going on than just the issues with my dad but I wasn't about to tell him that I had been triggered and struggling. Then, I had a long sex romp with my ex. It was nice. We were experimental. We talked afterwards. It was a nice time. He said he didn't mind if I spent the night at his place one time. I still think that verges on a relationship thing and he doesn't want that, which kills me every time we're together. He sent me some flirty texts and I respond but before anything happens, I tell him that I don't want to have sex because he's trying to find a wife and I love him so much it hurts that he doesn't want to be with me. I refuse to put myself in that place again. I'm trying to stick to it. So far, so good.

I was interested in a woman and then I lost interest. I couldn't have the conversation with her that I wasn't interested until I came back from Italy. I didn't want to be in a foreign country, unable to deal with my feelings of guilt, etc. So, what made me attracted to her was that she was so supportive, kind, and liked art. She was out to her family but not to her community. But I knew a long distance thing was not what I really wanted. I wanted someone close. Then, she became more and more like a typical woman and then I felt like she was getting more and more clingy. She had asked me about a shirt she was wearing and that she wanted to wear it on a date when she came to visit. I don't care about that. I felt like such a guy.

She came to visit. When I was driving her to the airport early in the morning, she told me she felt that this could be a relationship. I didn't feel the same way. A major issue for me was her health. She doesn't eat well. I could tell by her greasy hair and her smell that she had issues with food. She showered every day so it wasn't a hygiene issue. She was overweight, which I knew, but she told me that she was active and walked every day. While that can be true, slow paced walks don't get the heart beating like a sprint or working out. So, either she was lying to me because she knew I was active or she was lying to herself because she wanted to believe she was active. I think lying to herself would have been worse but that's her issue to deal with when the time is right. 

I was ultra annoyed with her in Italy because she needed so much attention. She wanted me to tell her it would be hard to be in Italy and away from open communication with her. She fished for it open by saying she would miss me. I said I would be there for the moment and be there with my friend. She tried to get me to say it anyway. And instead of saying something cute like, "I wish we could travel there together." She made this demand-- Take notes of where you go so we can go when we visit. Oh, damn girl, no. I just want to be here by myself. 

So, I broke it off with her and she seemed ok with it. But at the last minute, she told me that I am close off to love and that she hopes I could be open to it one day. She even used what I told her in confidence about being upset at a past life because my twin flame soul mate left and the past life woman swore she would never love again-- which is completely unfair for all the lives I've had after that. I told my friend that I was trying to undo it. I knew it was one last dig and well, I didn't believe her. 

I met someone while in Frankfurt. He lives in KS and I hope we can visit with each other some time. I hope we can travel sometime. :)

I'm running out of time but I'll update soon.

I wanted to tell a funny story. A woman had checked out my profile on a spiritual dating site. I contacted her. She wrote me back. I'm not going to write her back. Her response was terrible. It was basically that she was going to be a doula and she came across as baby obsessed. She mentioned her kids a couple of times but more about how her kids affected her school or job choices for the time. She also wanted me to read some of the things she wrote when she was more active in the spiritual healing community. Her name was so out there-- as in so hippie and ungrounded that I just couldn't respond. I told Jason about it and he encouraged me not to respond. I feel badly since I reached out to her but I don't want to talk to her. I already know it's not going to work out so why be a dick about this? And also, I believe she said that she had a 10 week old at home so either, she's with a guy and looking for a woman too or a single mom. I know it's not easy being a single mom with a baby but this is a bad situation either way.

Venus