Not Feeling Like an Adult

I talked to my roommate today. She said that she has the same anxieties she had when she was in middle school. I don't. There are only a few fears that I hold on to from that time-- like fear of being raped.

I was glad that she said it, though, because I feel so young, especially around business men. After saying this out loud, I realized why. It's because I was around my dad when he had some business meetings but I couldn't contribute. He hired a male accountant for a while. I guess the accountant would tell my dad what to do and my dad wouldn't do it. But the guy seemed depressed and was squared away in some office for a while. He always wore suits. I remember my parents referred to him by his first name but I've long forgotten it.

I smelled diesel in the morning air recently. I was wondering if I could describe that. It's a smell I miss. Dad would start the truck and it would still be nippy in the morning. Either I would wake up as he left or I've have to wake up and get put in the truck so I could go with him.

I was thinking about what I needed after I was raped. I needed a group of women who were in touch with their inner goddess to tell me that everything was OK. At every sad point, like when I lost all my friends, when people called me a slut, I feel like I needed a supportive group who would talk me through it all. I'm glad I have it now. I have a great community now. I feel appreciative of that. But I also feel sad that that couldn't happen for me back then. So, I'm crying for both grief and gratefulness.

I got hit on again. I got hit on by someone as old as my parents. I'm so tired of this. Do I exude “daddy issues”? I hope it's just that I'm mature and my soul is middle aged.

I have an acquaintance, Lorain. She is well connected to the community. She thinks she's a healer. I really don't like her. I'm glad that I'm getting away from that. Everything she does annoys me. Her birthday is close to my dad's birthday. I think she has narcissism in such a typical way. So, she has a boyfriend and can't help but talk about all the time her boyfriend, the time she has with him, his kid, etc. I'm glad that I get to cut her out of my life. Most of the time, healers leave people with a good feeling-- uplifted. She doesn't. Even the other healers, who I haven't particularly liked, have a better air about them than her. The problem is that she's well connected. I have met some people who don't like her. I like that little group. It's fun to see them interact and how defensive she gets. Just the other day, I was out at open mic, it was the last song. She arrives in the middle of it, expect to get a spot at open mic. They didn't welcome her. They didn't say thank you to her for starting the open mic. They didn't really do much and they didn't allow her to do much either. But one of the guys that I was talking to was talking to her, like she was a doctor. She even checked the glands in his neck.

Later, I added him on FB and he invited me to his Halloween party. She was all over that shit--(paraphrasing here)-- “My boyfriend and I will try to make it. He has a 12 year old boy. Can my boyfriend's 12 year old son attend? We would really appreciate it if he could attend. My boyfriend and I might have other things going on that night.” yeah, yap, yap, yap. I would say she probably wanted to say, “My BOYFRIEND lives in CLINTON and he has a son who LOVES AND ADORES ME. I would love to attend if MY BOYFRIEND and his son could ATTEND. BUT I MIGHT BE TOO IMPORTANT TO ATTEND. MY BOYFRIEND and I might have OTHER THINGS TO DO like FUCK all night.” Yeah, she's about 60 and is this obsessed with her boyfriend. I can't wait till she moves away and moves in with him. But I can also forsee that he would leave her-- she is fucking crazy.

I better go.