That Time of Year.

It's getting to be the time of year when I was raped and my dad moved out of the house. I'm also getting my period next week. It's put me on edge.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still so young and inexperienced. I see my supervisors doing well, being thrift, and being really great at what they do. They feel worthy of the money they get. I sometimes feel less like that. I feel like I make mistakes and push people too much that they sometimes stop sessions. I like working with engineers because there's a part of me that really feels so sad that they cannot access their feelings but they have so many of them that are expressed but expressed in ways that they may not recognize.

I remember a time when I was a kid. I can laugh about it now as a stupid, childhood indiscretion. But one of the kids at the flea market was a terror and for some reason, he took me under his wing for a little bit. He encouraged me to throw a newspaper filled with rocks at this guy that no one really liked since he was so angry. I imagine that he wanted to be a big corporation CEO and yet, he was this small-time, working at the flea market guy. I did it, the guy got mad and ran after me. I think he even put some rocks on my head too, in a very angry way. The terror kid just stayed where he was and probably went back to his parents and their stand. I probably slunk away to a private place since I fully blamed myself. In the process of running from the guy, I peed my pants. My parents had made me very ashamed of it, always getting frustrated that they had to clean up the mess. They didn't understand that the muscle around my urethra was weak and it was not an easy fix. I still have problems occasionally with it. But it's usually it happens in the middle of emotional trying times. Other times, I can laugh and laugh and laugh no matter how full my bladder is and I'm fine. I did that one time during Thanksgiving and I was in my early 20s. It was after dinner, I was laughing so hard I was rolling and yet, no peeing my pants. My mom was concerned, thinking that I'd pee my pants. I was a little upset that she would think that I would do it. Now, I worry that it'll come out with sneezes. LOL. It's just a little bit, not like it was-- it used to be laugh and pee, fully emptying my bladder. I cross my legs sometimes when I sneeze since I don't want to have any more problems with having too much wetness around my vagina. It has caused the rashes in the past-- or at least contributed to it, or at least I'm told. I just try to keep it dry.

It's been weird to really only date one person. I still flirt with my ex. But it's like I'm defensive against all flirtations, most physical affections, etc. And then once in a while, I get to see my boyfriend. And it's weird. I think, “This is the only person I have sex with. This is the only person I say, 'I love you' to.” It's weird for me to let down my guard. It's like my sexuality used to be indiscriminate-- it was out there, anyone to pick up on. Now, it's limited. It's very weird.

I was thinking about the boy that I liked; how it went south and all. I was thinking about how we went to bed so quickly. I think, “How did I do that? How did I just go with that? Why did anyone have sex with me?” I mean I guess I could answer it. But it's very weird to think about now. It just like happened. But I fee like I if things didn't work out with my boyfriend that I would have someone, like my ex, right away so I'm not worried about dating. I feel weird having a person in my back pocket, so to say.

I'm a little worried about the posts about Princess Diana. It's coming up in two days and that was the day I was raped. I feel like I just all around died that day. I just don't want to think about-- and I want to tell my friends. A part of me does just want to say, “Hey, some really bad things happened to me on August 31 years ago. Could you please be considerate when posting about Princess Diana's death? It reminds me of that time.” But I feel like I may want to just do a “please send positive vibes my way as a pre-emptive to possible horribleness.” But I get too emotional thinking about it.

A local hot spot has been destroyed by fire. Although I've been there on my birthday and graduation, with my mom a few times, with Lucius a few times, with my dad and brother, etc; I mostly think of the guys I've met there. A guy told me about the place but we didn't go together. I ran into him once there and his wife or girlfriend was totally pissed that he talked to me-- just to say hi. I ignored him the next time I saw him there. My lover who died-- we hung out there, ran into each other there. I met and ended my relationship with Eric D there. But I feel really good about it going away. It's like a symbol of that part of my life being very over. I wouldn't dare date like I did then.

Because I've been thinking about the fire and it's symbolism, I had a dream about fire last night. It destroyed my dad's warehouse. To be clear, the warehouse was demolished years ago to make room for a nice, safe planned housing community- with the backyards facing the railroad tracks. I think my childhood friends had to give up their house and property (probably two acres)-- all to make this housing project. But in my dream, it existed. I saved my cat and went to my friend's house before calling the police and then I didn't show up until it was destroyed. It was a little sad but I really didn't care. It was the end of that.

My boyfriend has said that he doesn't want to get married for at least 10 years. This bothered me for a while-- like, “Can I just get married to someone then?” But I do want it to be for love. And then suddenly, in the last week, it hasn't bothered me. I think there was something in seeing my parents' relationship end in the way that it did-- especially after my dad's mom died-- that makes me not want to ruin a relationship. I know that some famous spiritual author wrote about keeping up a relationship but feel like it's a choice every day. I want to feel like that-- it's a choice. With a contract, it feels less like a choice and then like everyone else's business. I don't want to feel like that. My psychic friend says I'll be married next year. While I want to believe her, she's been very wrong in that department before. She said I would be married in 2010. I obviously wasn't.

I talked to my boyfriend about not saying he's the love of my life. I think I said it to Jeremy and I definitely said it to Kaze. I even changed Kaze's name on my yahoo messenger to “Love of my Life.” I told him that I just didn't want to say it because I've said it before and it didn't work out. If words hold things true, I just can't say it. It has the bad vibes of the relationships that have ended. I'm glad that JZ could understand the why behind not saying it. He was also reluctant to tell me that I was awesome. I would say it to him but he wouldn't say it back. It was weird.

Anyway, better go.

Venus