Rambling, triggers and being hit on

 10/10/14

I don’t like the way that Sam guilts me. I’m glad that he tells me to watch out—but he tells me or at least warns me of something that might be an issue. I was a little upset that a client didn’t schedule for today—he scheduled for next week. It’s not a big deal for me but seriously, why bring this up? He seems to vacillate between wanting me to feel worth $150 and wanting me to take his leftovers and take almost anyone. I would be absolutely pissed if I was seeing a therapist weekly for $50 and then when I decided to go to every other week, I was charged $75 instead. It’s like he just wants all the money—and it gets annoying because it reminds me a lot of my dad. Oh, you have money—it’s actually mine. Fuck you.

I’m pissed that I have no sanctuary now. I was blissfully enjoying all the times I went out and wasn’t hit on. I didn’t have to be on. I didn’t have to awkwardly accept compliments. I feel different when I’m getting hit on. But it feels so nice going any place and not being hit on. I loved going to poetry, open mic, the bar, everywhere and I would know that I wouldn’t get hit on. Now, it’s everywhere and anywhere. I don’t feel comfortable. I just want to go out and not have to deal with it. I want to be a business person—say “thanks for showing up” (poetry) and not get hit on. But it’s no matter where or what. I have been playing games on my phone and I started just talking to some of the people I play against often. Some of the guys are upset I’m taken. And you know, it’s getting to be taxing to talk to people.

Also, whenever I get an email from one of my clients—he has a crush on me—I just get upset. All I want to do is tell him to never come back. He wants so much. It’s like, “I’m your therapist. I don’t need to only take care of your fucking fragile emotional self.” His emails are like, “Can I send you stuff over the weekend?.... could you answer me and comment on them?” and all I hear is “I need a connection to you. I don’t know what to do. Please validate my measly existence. I need you.” This makes me want to run. I don’t respond well to that. And he just writes these really inappropriate things. I’m ready to be done. And now, I’m disconnecting—telling my energies to wear thin with people so I don’t have to continue these connections that I hate.

I’ve been teaching a class on keeping a visual journal. The gallery where I do it has a crazy manager. And for all that she’s like—I’m a Buddhist, I’m so great, I’m a healer—I sure don’t feel great, don’t feel uplifted after talking to her. She’s a little fucking energy vampire. She’s also smug. I can’t take it. But now I’m finding out that she’s upset that the gallery hasn’t been going as great as she thought it might. She’s also been very distant from the gallery like not show up when there are classes, etc. She’s been dating a guy for about 4 months and she’s been going over to his place often. So, she hasn’t been invested. She reminds me of my step-mom—only going to where the money is and right now, there’s no money in this gallery, the way that she wanted.

I had flashbacks last Friday. It was awful. There wasn’t much that I could do to stop it. I did some visualizations to keep myself feeling safe. It’s been great. On Monday, I did some journal writing and it was so great, healing, and productive. It was everything I had been thinking about.

I got in contact with Evan. I talked to him about the things that happened when I was 12 and 13. I thought he would remember the troublesome time I had at the time, how his friend bullied me, how obsessed I was with him and how I was really messed up. But he had forgotten it all. He remembered feeling great around me and that my brother and my brother’s friends bullied him so he didn’t feel comfortable dating me. He completely forgot about all the other stuff—but he felt very sorry for all it. And you know, that helped to heal me in the places that I needed it.

I also found out that when Kirk and Evan were friends, Kirk stole from Evan and his family a couple of times. I feel vindicated that I made Casey upset by kicking Kirk out of the house. I’m glad that at least at that point, someone listened to me. The other times when Kirk came over, I made sure to be around him and that he was in eye sight. I did not want anything to happen again and be blamed, again. I would shake around him—not a cold shake. I don’t know how to describe it. It was just a shake that wouldn’t go away. It was an internal shake. It was scary to do.

I’m sad that I will never get a chance to talk to my family about this. They’re not capable. I can only imagine what other falling out would happen. We’re good about not talking about it.

I feel so sorry for Catholics. The guilt is just everywhere. I think of this when I was growing up. Even though my dad had not been Catholic for years, he was trying to overcome the issues that growing up Catholic came with. He wanted to be sex and body positive but didn’t know how to do it. Both of my parents sorta tried it. They wanted different messages from when they were kids—but they were in between so, there were mixed messages. My mom wanted me to have guilt or shame to motivate me to do something or not do something. She often tried to get me motivated by mentioning boys. I got upset at her one time and threw my blankets on the floor—she got upset and asked me if I would do that on a date. It’s not that she encouraged a different way to express my anger—just not throw the blankets on the floor, which, of all the things everyone else did, was not a bad thing at all. It didn’t hurt anyone and it wasn’t terrible. I wish I could have thrown them around some more, get the angry energy out and feel fine with talking about it when I wasn’t angry.

There were times when I would get so upset when I was working at the group home because the girls would not feel guilt about their behaviors. It was tough to watch. I know that guilt shouldn’t be a motivator but sometimes it is—for better behavior. I just wanted to yell and scream sometimes, “Do you have any shame in your actions? Stop talking about pulling trains and how you love anal sex—it’s inappropriate.”

I discouraged JZ from talking to his parents about our plan to live together next year. He had already told them. They’re fine. OMG, what is wrong? I thought I’d have to hide this because they seem so Catholic about sex. And now, nothing. It’s so weird. My mom is excited. My dad thinks that JZ is my ex Jeremy, even though I strangely went silent about Jeremy for last few years. I don’t want to correct him because it’s not worth it. I just correct any assumptions—no, we didn’t celebrate Passover, it was Easter; no, he’s Italian, not Jewish. Luckily, we don’t talk much so it’s not a big deal.

I almost think my dad enjoys when I roll my eyes at his humor. It’s the way we’ve been for a long time.

I liked that Kaze told me to let him know when I was dissociating during sex. I didn’t use it because I was afraid that I’d hurt his feelings. It happened so often. I wish we came together and discussed how we could make me feel more comfortable with sex. I’m glad that he did let me play with his dick without it leading to sex. I needed that to feel safe.

I’m still stuck on Lorain and how she makes me feel drained instead of encouraged, uplifted. I barely wanted to let her touch me. And you know, it’s weird; I would just want to sleep after the “long” day I had but at poetry, I would be awake. There are other places I’d go even after a long day and I’d be awake. And that’s a sign of a good place—a place where I feel great, re-energized. It’s always about her- about the band, her struggles, etc. It just seems like she unloads. I don’t want it anymore. I don’t get this way around any clients, except her friend. I just can’t continue this. I don’t want to be entangled with her or her friend anymore.