Strong on my own.

6.3.16

Hey all. I think it's been a while. I haven't thought too much about updating since it seems like things are changing so fast. I feel like I'm able to stand on my own two feet.

I talked to my dad yesterday. He was OK. He told me to lower my standards. I have lots of opinions about that but I want to write that in an unsent letter to him before I begin spewing out my anger about that on here. I think my relationship is best summed up by a comment by the Gilmore Girls, as Lorelai talks to her father. “Sometimes I think what happened to us. And then something like this happens and I remember.”

Today, as I reflect on it, I see what's wrong with my family. I see these things about how they've undermined me; how they've thought I'm arrogant and think too highly of myself. But I see their unhappiness in their relationships and I know I'm on the right track if they disagree with what I'm doing.

The thing I haven't talked about is that I'm really discovering myself-- on my own. I have been seeing someone but we both know that it's only temporary. He's sweet and he's good for now. I want him longer but I know that I'll find someone when I move. I have no worries about that, honestly.

Outside of my relationship with this guy, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. This doesn't scare me. I know that there isn't anyone out there for me. I've seen it over and over again. And with only this guy in my life, I feel like I can get back to who I was going to be.

I've realized that when I've had sex in the past, it's been because I've been uncomfortable and I thought that the guy wanted it. I was told many times that this wasn't true for some of the guys, but I think at least half were lying.

I remember Lo was pressuring me to do a lot of stuff sexually that I knew was just not my thing. The sex was honestly terrible and although I was heartbroken for about a month, I'm glad that it happened. I remember telling him one day that if he wasn't pressuring me, I wouldn't be in the mood except for about once every two months. This made me think of why I would fuck so often if I wasn't actually in the mood. I guess it was pressure or what I thought the guy wanted. And in the past, that felt like what I was doing for survival. I wanted a guy to like me or not leave me so sex was the answer. That's just not true.

So, I started masturbating a lot after I realized that I wasn't in the mood often. I started to really feel ashamed about it. I even thought it was a hassle. I talked to my therapist about it and she was encouraging me to just explore it and not be so hard on myself. I went to the good adult store and bought a couple of items since mine are a bit old. I like a few of them but the one I bought when I was 18 has seen better days (also, do I throw that away now?). Everything is great. I have a couple that I'm still getting used to but everything is great. I'm glad that I get to have that time to myself. I feel like I'm starting to accept that part of myself. It feels great. I've been masturbating at least once a day for a couple of weeks now. I feel better for it. I'm a bit worried that my clit will not be as reactive to normal stimulation but I think it might be fine-- just something to keep an eye on.

Update: I bought two waterproof toys and they've been awesome. I feel very lucky.