Sharing

I made a lot of artwork yesterday-- which has been the point of all of this time away from people. It was nice not to be distracted except by the cat and my own taste for tea for four hours. I made a few about the past, one about getting through the feelings and lots for the future. Hopes of being a powerful woman and eventually married. I struggle with the want to be married and the want to be independent. I was in a trance, though, and while I did a lot, I can only tell you about a few. I liked them all. They captured a lot of my feelings. I wasn't entirely sure what I was expressing because I did let out sobs but not cries. I want to share them but I also feel like sharing them gives more meaning to them and I just want them to be kept private.
My brother tried to talk to me again. I don't know why he thinks he needs to give me a male perspective. I have plenty of guy friends. What really did it for me was that he asked over face book and called me "pal." I don't know what he's up to but it feels weird to be called "pal" by someone-- almost like they're trying to manipulate me to do something. I told him I didn't feel like talking and wanted to be by myself. My family is so shady that I don't know what's going on in his head and I don't want to talk to him about it so that everyone else knows too. I figured a lot of things out and when I say, "I used to be this way...," he begins to think that it's current and lectures me. Dude, I already figured it out, you think I'm telling you something I haven't figured out.
I talked with a friend about feeling more comfortable in clothes and without clothes. I was watching "The L Word" and a girl wore a shirt without a bra to a party at her house. It was so cool to think that people are so close that someone could do that without that one friend turning it into something disgusting.
I was reading about the street harassment of women being told by random men to smile. I was told this many times and it made me feel like men couldn't handle a depressed young female. The article was more about the entitlement of men to tell women what to do with themselves or their bodies. I think one of the last times was when I was on the shuttle to my car after my dad said he wouldn't pay for college. I was reasonably upset. Of course, the shuttle bus driver tried to get me to smile. Why not just ask what's wrong? Why make me feel like I don't have the right to feel what I feel? It feels like another way that I've been told to not be me and pretend like nothing happened.
One of my coworkers watches "Walking Dead." Many people tell me I would like it. Well, I eventually get around to watching things after they are suggested to me. Books are a different story, though. Anyway, I told her I have PTSD, I don't like watching a show that's basically my life-- only with zombies. I watched some episode a while ago-- and everything is just on that edge of "you could die." I also don't understand how they continue to randomly get supplies.
I talked to my ex, Joe, last night. He wants sex without a relationship and I keep telling him that I would like to have a relationship if I'm going to have sex. So, we're at a stand still. I did tell him that I'd do anything to be with him but he had to work on some issues. I'm not sure if that's really how I feel though. I am interested in other guys and get a sort of high trying to figure out if I have them interested in me. I like to be direct but I don't think any of these guys like that.
If everyone is a mirror, then there must be a lot of me that is uncommunicative and emotionally distant. I can see why that is intriguing. I also realized yesterday that until I patch things up within my own energy field with my dad and Kirk, then any relationship is doomed. I won't be able to pick out a good guy, as we've seen, and I won't get a good guy.
One of my exes is getting married. There's one thing I've always liked about the way guys fall for me-- I usually have them always. They can be in other relationships, they want me, though. I like that feeling. It's like I control them. Of course, there are the guys who have no chance and get a little upset that I'm not giving them the time of day. I talk to them but I always make it clear-- I'm not interested in you. But I like that there's a group of them, all over, who would come to see me and lavish me and adore me at the drop of a hat. All I have to do is give the word. I could easily have a harem. My friend has called this "the stable" or my "orbit." When I talk about it, though, it's usually because it pisses me off- why do these guys waste their time lusting after me when I want nothing? I want someone else. It's not like I'm suddenly going to realize that they're the one for me. They're not. And well, I'm a little sad, knowing that this ex found "the one" and that it's not me. I had considered marrying him so he could get his green card and operate his business better. I thought we could be a power couple-- both in our own business and spending time together. I also wouldn't have minded having kids with him-- intelligent and his first language is Spanish. But there goes that. It wouldn't have worked between us anyway-- but I'd like to think it would have. It's a little tough to give that up. I had to do it before. I wanted to marry one of my friends so badly. But he had lots to work on and eventually, I just couldn't be his friend. I also thought that I'd be married before this ex-- that he'd meet someone he'd fall in love with at my wedding. All of this seems really good for a story.
I also realized yesterday that I didn't have money to go to therapy and massage therapy so I could begin to be on my own. I could start to incorporate more instead of healing. I think the energy that I had for collages last night would have been taken up in the weekly visits that often take my energy for a few days a week so that I can heal from the sessions I've had.
I'm planning to move out eventually. I realized that I would miss all the animals that I have to my advantage at the place I live now. So, my coworker has two kittens that she's looking to give away. One of them is cream and orange and the other is black. The cream and orange one might have a home. The black one might not-- until now, lol.
I had two black cats when I was younger-- Eek and Shadow. Shadow was my love and protector. Eek was the talkative huntress. I found Shadow on Halloween in an apartment complex that was not the nicest to cats. He immediately came out from under a bridge to see me but he was afraid of my mom. We took him home and he just followed me around. Eek was part Siamese. Shadow, we got in 1992. Eek, we got in 1993.
The black kitten is talkative like a Siamese and will be 8 weeks (like Shadow was) on Halloween. I told my mom that I thought it was a sign. She said if it was male that it was definitely a sign. My family has been looking to replace our beloved pets for quite some time. My mom would see a black cat and think "Oh, it's Shadow 2." And one time my brother had a cat named after our other cat Gypsy-- he called the cat Little G or LG.
I'm glad that I won't be alone. But I had to talk to some friends to see if they could take care of the cat if I leave for a concert or what not, which I do plan on doing at the end of October. I kind of want to see friends, I kind of want to see a band. The band doesn't come around often but it would be nice to see my friends after a few months of not being able to see them. So, I'm stuck. I'll figure it out before the night of the events, hopefully.

I have a guy whose interested in me and I'm growing some feelings for him. I think sometimes he gets me-- but I would hope that sometimes he doesn't. He's 5 years younger than my parents-- and everyone thinks that it's some daddy issue. He's so unlike my dad in every way. He manages his money. He talks about books he wants to read and those he'll let me borrow. He smokes cigars and has good scotch. It's what I would like-- but I also want a man who doesn't mind if I go dancing or something else that's more of what kids my age do, LOL. And in this time, I don't feel much so I'm not attracted to him. We just hang out a lot.

I went to a cigar shop near me and they have some good cigars. And surprisingly, they had hookahs. They looked better and were for less than what I paid. But I'm not sure how much I really want to hookah since it takes a long time to smoke and I might not want to smoke outside if I get another place.

Yesterday, I was at church and I was sitting at a table initially by myself and then with some other people. Near the height of socializing, I was surrounded by men. There are not that many men in the congregation. I am close with one whose probably 22 or so. He's cute as can be but as I'm not feeling much, I don't want him. I looked at him, said this observation and he agreed-- weird that the guys are mostly at that table. I said it was the story of my life. And I really enjoyed the moment to hear the guys talk shop and talk about seeing spirits. Oh, it felt like home. And that's what I've been feeling there. I found some programs from the Unitarian church in my boxes of items for collages and I read the tenants and I remembered the ones I read that morning and Spiritualism just seems to fit me better. I can also see how the Pagans and Wiccans would like it since it does believe in Infinite Intelligence in all things, including nature.

Well, I better go.

Talking

I talked to the only family member I could: my older half brother. He told me some things that I find even more disturbing than what I thought.
I told him the story. It was probably the first time anyone heard it unless my mom read the police report.
He told me that he found out a year after it had happened and my dad and my brother made it seem like it was a date rape from someone my age. My half brother thinks that it was downplayed because if they told him what actually happened, he would have impulsively found the guy and killed him. I don't think it was downplayed. I think they misinterpreted my hanging out with him afterward as a dating thing. It was not. I was not in the right mind set and I was in a weird obsessive place where I just wanted him to like me and respect me. Oh, geez, he didn't. He used the time for other things.
For me, this also explains why my brother would be friends with him and continue to be around him. I think at some point, Kirk pissed my brother off, for saying something (possibly about me) or just about something he did. I don't know what it was but my brother couldn't resist repeatedly having Kirk over-- either at my mom's house or at my dad's house. This used to make me physically shake but since I did not feel comfortable letting Kirk out of my sight while at my house, I stayed. I just can't imagine that my brother would not notice this! And then I remembered, he was high and drunk. He didn't notice.
But I'm most surprised about my mom. I don't think my dad knew and he never spoke to me about it. But mom.... she met the guy. Did she really believe that I lied about my age and we were on some date? Really, a date? How did all that go down? OMG, it just pisses me off thinking about this now.
So, in essence, NO ONE BELIEVED ME. Not my friends, not my family, not the police, etc, etc, etc. I mean this explains why they didn't go to the police. They didn't talk to me about it. They let me bring it up to my therapist-- but they didn't get me a trauma specialist, which they would have been better off doing. I think my parents were more worried that I was gay. I'm serious.

While I resisted talking to my parents and brother about this, I really want to talk to them now. I want to explain about some things like trauma bond, like Kirk was manipulative. And you know, I think that my mom told the police a different story-- the one she heard from Kirk about it being a date rape or something-- and that's why they didn't believe me. I can't fucking imagine!

And it amazes me too-- my mom was harassed by a teacher and she told the administration about it-- they did nothing. So, how could she just treat me the same? My dad might have been raped or put in a situation where he was prostituting and he had nothing to say to me? What?!

On other news, I have gone out on dates and not had sex in 5 weeks. W. spent the night last week and first, he was on the couch but it was loud and he didn't sleep. Then, he complained and complained. Then, I told him he could sleep in my bed and he didn't even touch me-- which felt so good. But I don't want to do it again. He kept on saying he was going to leave and it felt like it was some punishment. My friend Justin stopped by. And Justin talks fast, loud and he talks about sex. So, for some reason, W thought I'd just drop everything and do this guy. So, W planned to leave until I said I wasn't attracted to Justin. I thought Justin and I just talk and we joke about sex. I don't think anything of it. I know Justin reads energy and he knows I'm so not interested.
I'm not sure how to bring it up to a work associate that I have no interest in dating him either. I really enjoy his company. I feel like maybe if I wait around long enough some feelings might emerge. But otherwise, he's a lot older than me (just a few years younger than my parents) and he's not who I want. No matter how young at heart he is, we're on different levels. And just like W, I don't want to take care of someone in their old age.

I have also been thinking of the first time I thought of suicide. I was 10. My parents were splitting up and I felt like I had no one to talk to-- but I did. I just didn't use those friends to my advantage-- to talk about the issues with them splitting up. So, instead, it came out as "I have no friends." I did. I just didn't know how to put it into words. After the rape, I cut myself a couple of times. But before the rape, I also burned myself. A boy I liked didn't want to continue dating after three days so, I burned myself. I don't know what I thought that would accomplish.

When I was first going through all this and ended up feeling really ungrounded, I liked a boy. I really wanted to date him. But he was really distant and he was not definite in plans-- and even when he was, I didn't believe him. So, I blew him off because it seemed like he was blowing me off. I hung out with a friend and the friend said that it sounded like I was into this guy and the guy wasn't interested in me. ....But I didn't believe my friend. I didn't think that the guy had a fair chance because my friend only knew what I was saying.
And I think a lot of that stems from people not believing me about the rape. Even when people believed me a year after the rape, I didn't want them to. I always thought, "Why aren't you questioning this more?" But the response always was "Where is he? I'll find him. I'll fight him. I'll give him what's coming to him." My first response in my head was always "no" because I almost didn't believe I was raped and I couldn't believe anyone would just trust me. So, I learned to not trust myself or my emotions.

In other, other news. I'm setting up an art show. It's a long process because I have to do everything-- framing, matting, advertising, hanging artwork, buying food and cleaning up afterward. It's stressful. But when I'm stressed, I start getting strength.
When customers come to see me, they sign a contract. A few of these contracts have become unpaid. Usually, I'm like, "eh, fuck 'em." But there are some people who I was nice to, gave a deal to, or did some things for and I was NEVER paid. For two people, it's thousands of dollars. Now, their bills were low because I gave them a discount and in the contract, it says I'll stick to that discount as long as the person does not have an outstanding bill. So, now, all of things that the customer received defaulted to the full price-- because they didn't pay a small amount, they owe now a huge amount. And I think my supervisor is surprised that I made these discounts but also, he's glad to see I'm pissed that I got basically ripped off by these people. One person tried to get me to court on an unrelated matter-- and they wanted me to testify against another known customer. We could all see that she wanted me to talk badly about the other customer!!!! So, I'm getting my money!

I better go. Thanks for reading.

Surprise

I've been a little weary that I talk in my sleep-- actually it's more of a whisper. I think that I'm acting out some sort of something that is related to my rape. Last night, I whispered "no." I've also whispered "Slow down" and "Do what?" So, this is causing some concern. I'm wondering how long I've done this. I can only guess that it's been many years.

The teeth grinding is still an issue. I talked to my therapist about it and we couldn't come up with any ideas. Even if I get the mouth guard, do meditation and do the jaw exercises, it's not going to go away. I've tried the mouth guard a few times. When I was 16, it took me a while to get used to it and I would take them out in the middle of the night. My unconscious even tried to hide it from me. :( I did jaw exercises for the last few days but they made my jaw tighter. I'm wondering if eating hard nuts or whatnot might help with it. But I can't overexercise it. When my friend was visiting, he kept insisting I needed to do relaxation to get to sleep. I can get to sleep within a few minutes of feeling tired or saying I'm tired. I'm pretty relaxed anyway. It's not about that at all. I even played relaxation music while I was asleep and the grinding happened more-- and almost exclusively. So, something else has to be done. I'm not sure if the mouth guards are going to work. It doesn't seem to change anything.

It's been tough for me to get rid of friends. Lately, I just can't have even the slightest bit of care about hurt feelings as I've seen that if I continue these friendships, the person continues to disrespect me. The friend who came to visit told me last month that his guides had told him that we were only going to be friends for a year. Well, it was about a year ago that we started hanging out again-- and yes, our friendship is over. He doesn't realize when he's saying mean things or being intrusive. For example, he was a contributing factor in my relationship with Joe ending. It was all because Javier wanted me for himself. He made sure that even Joe's friend thought that I was cheating on him. I had to explain to Joe that I was just not attracted to Javier. Also, I kissed Javier last year and I felt nothing. Then, I felt really badly that I felt nothing. It took me a while to stand up to Javier and to make sure he knew that I was not interested in spending all my free time with him (or anyone) for that matter.
During the weekend, he almost seemed like a bully-- i.e. insisting I do this or telling me to do to this or that. Also, I saw a praying mantis walking across the grass. It looked really funny. I wanted to respect it's space and just go on my way-- just watching. And then I pointed it out to Javier-- of course, he wanted to take a picture. We walked over but I would have prefer to not to.

I don't think at this point I would mind if I hung out with Tony more often. He gets on my nerves sometimes but at least he lets me be me and encourages me. He always likes to talk about ideas and then not doing any of them. Then he judges others for the same. Plus, I don't think he should stay late at my place when he has a girlfriend. He stayed till 1 A.M. last time. He has done this since we first started hanging out. But now, he's not at home so he doesn't have to stay this long anymore. I thought he liked being at his girlfriend's house. I just wish I could just be like this with other guys but the sexual feelings always get in the way. I'm tired of it.

And so it goes.
 

Ugh

I'm sitting on some ideas for stories. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do. I guess just find the time to do it-- but not like a weekend to myself like it had to come to last time.

An ex lover came over today. He was meant to be a month thing-- nothing serious. And now, he continues to want to see me just for sex. We haven't had sex in a while. I haven't had sex for a while. So, I gave him a hand job today while he pressured me for sex. He ended up coming and since I've been away from it for quite some time, I remembered I don't like it. I tolerated it. The friend I talked about it the last blog, he wore condoms after I insisted because I don't want to sit in cum all day and I might get rashes. It also ends up smelling-- not what I want.
During the rape, Kirk had me give him a blow job and he came in my mouth. It was gross. I've only tried to do it a few times since. Sometimes I gag so I have to stop-- especially if I think he's going to cum. The times it's happened and gotten in my mouth-- once was ok. The second time, I threw up. I still think that cum is so gross and I can't even think of having it anywhere near me. It's just gross. The consistency is just awful. I work on it from time to time when I'm in a relationship but I hate it. I wish I could stop it.
So, this ex told me he loved me. I don't know what he loves about me and I think he was just saying it to get me into bed. Ew.
Since I haven't had sex, I haven't felt the need to trim my pubic hair. OMG, I love my pubic hair. It's all soft and it makes me feel so protected. I have to say I hate the women who I work with who make fun of the girls who don't shave. I don't think that it's so bad. I hate it when guys ask me to shave-- which my ex did today. He said that he would perform oral if I shaved. He told me a while ago that he doesn't like giving oral. He was trying to convince me-- telling me that it only had to be once. Yeah, once but I have to live with it. Ew.
I don't like this whole not hair thing that most women are encouraged to do. And it really bothers me when the woman whose all organic and natural calls girls "dirty" and makes fun of them for not shaving. What?!
I've had many men who wanted me to shave because they shaved. Ew. Someone told me that you would think that men would like to not shave. But they want me to change. Really? Fuck that.

So, two months ago, I was with one of the guys that I like. But because I had been with the two other guys who were critical of me, I found myself almost apologizing and actually asking if it was OK that I didn't shave my legs and that I hadn't trimmed. He was fine with it. I liked that. It was reassuring. And I was so angry that these guys had had that much impact on me.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't shave my legs. I shave them so I can wear skirts and dresses without being embarrassed. I know I have nice legs. But the thing is I can't shave more than once a week. It's taken me a long time to even get there. I used to like not shaving for months. It was so much easier. I like the women who overly react to the fact that I have leg hair. I used to work with them. If I shave more than once a week, I get really bad bumps. I know I have to put on lotion-- but I'm low maintenance and I forget. I've tried a lot to remember to put lotion on my legs before they itch. But I forget and then I itch and then I put on cream, which makes me itch more and then have to put on more lotion.

I've looked into how to manage oily hair. I enjoy it. It's actually worked to use hot water till the end of the shower and then put on cold water. I can go longer without a shower-- which was recommended too (every other day or every 2 days). One of my friends had oily hair so bad that she showers every day, which one of the things that was discouraged on the websites I was looking into. I still want to find the brush for oily hair. I found some inexpensive shampoo, including a brand that I like. I'm happy about that.

The other thing I'm looking into is how to stop from grinding my teeth. I didn't realize that the issues with my back teeth were because of my teeth grinding. They've turned grey since it's been so long since my root canals. It used to freak me out but I know it's what is supposed to happen. There are still issues with those back teeth. I've recorded myself two nights in a row to see how bad the teeth grinding is and to see if the face exercises have helped with it. I think it was reduced but I want to try some more things like exercise and meditation to prevent it. Then, I have to get a mouth guard. I'm really reducing my spending this week so that my over draft is not put on my credit card again. But soon, I will be licensed and will be able to have more money to pay off bills. I miscalculated how much it would be to have the rest of my supervision done-- so I put aside $350 but it's almost double that. So, mouth guard, among other things like therapy and massage therapy, have to wait. I'm going to try to get to massage therapy and therapy at least once this month and then once next month-- then resume at least every other week for each.

Now I've gotten into business brain so, I better go. Thanks for reading.

Marriage

I was driving around today and heard the song "Marry Me" by Train. It got me thinking more about marriage. I don't respect marriage. I don't remember a time when my parents were happy. And when I lived with my ex, I stopped being interested in sex. My supervisor has reminded me several times the average married couple have sex about 2 times a week and once a week if they have kids.
At the beginning of every relationship, I think of marriage. And now I have a place in mind. It's really difficult to even think about now. I remember dates where I knew the date would just end at my place or his place. It didn't seem odd to me that it would go that way. I remember two years ago, trying to get a friend back to my place for some alone time. He refused and I was thoroughly confused. I was probably irritable after that.  But now, I feel comfortable with going out to lunch or dinner and not expecting sex.
Many years ago, an ex told me that his ex girlfriend didn't want to tell him that she cheated on him so she accused the guy of rape and he went to jail. At first, I thought that she does a disservice to all women who come forward. But then I realized that she was probably 15 or 16 when this happened and the guy was in his 30's. He did wrong. I don't know why my ex wanted to make it seem like she did something so wrong.

TMI:
I'm thinking more about the problems I had with yeast in my system. I used to get bad rashes but not actually get the yeast infection. It was very annoying. I went on a candida albicans diet and mostly killed it off but also made it difficult for me to process things I loved like mashed potatoes. When I brought this up to my friend today, he called the candida a venereal disease, which got me thinking that maybe there's more damage that I can ever know inside of me. But I always have more discharge than usual-- the gyno tells me about it in every visit. But when I do something like take probiotics that dry out my vagina, I feel really uncomfortable and weird. The downside to the excess of discharge is that I ruin my underwear often. I used to do my roommate's laundry and she never seemed to have any discharge, which would confuse me. How does she know if something is clean or dirty? I can tell mostly by the discharge on it-- sometimes by the smell. When I take calcium, the discharge is worse.
End of TMI. 

There was a spike in my readership the other week. It seems really weird to me because I haven't been posting it on FB.

I really hate that my body is not mine when I'm in public and sometimes when I'm at home-- for example if I'm in a chatroom. Men feel the need to tell me to smile or that I have nice boobs. Luckily the whole smile thing has subsided in recent years but makes me feel like I don't have the chance to feel sad or show it in public. And when I smile, then stupid people feel that they can talk to me about anything. I had two solicitors stop me either in or outside the grocery store. My supervisor said that I am very approachable. I went to the store today and didn't get anything-- but it was also that it was raining, no solicitors.
I don't like that men have nothing else to compliment me on other than my breasts. I have so many things going for me and my boobs are what guys fucking pay attention to. But then again, those guys are only interested in sex and don't deserve my attention. I worry that a man like that would just feel the need to call me a slut or a cunt if I don't give him attention-- or he could do worse.
At the same time, I want to think that men are nice and not so ruthless. I would hope they could control themselves around a woman who turns them down. But sometimes I think that when I turned down Kirk or Darren, it made them angry and that's why they raped me. I was really into someone else, closer to my age, when Darren raped me. And it was that other guy who convinced me to come forward even though I was very reluctant-- rightfully so from previous experience.

I remember a time in high school when there were rumors of rape of two of my female classmate-- Melissa and Rachel. My friend Chris said that he didn't believe Melissa because she had already had sex so, he didn't think she could be raped. Melissa had quite a tough dating life and I don't think it helped to have people talk crap about her like that. Melissa and I weren't close at the time and I definitely didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this. I remember she was always a little wild but I think she was a little more wild after that. While I was not interested in anything about sex after the rape, she openly called her friends "sluts." But there was a part of me that agreed with Chris. I'm glad I don't anymore.
I remember telling teachers when I was uncomfortable with language used in class, like one girl repeatedly yelling out "Nipples" in the middle of an activity or the guys who were talking about their dicks or which girls they would fuck. They told me to deal-- nothing they could do about it. They didn't even try to tell the guys to save it or tell the girl to say the real name of her group, which was not "nipples." Maybe this has contributed to my talking about breasts, dicks, sex, and dildos when I feel like it. I also say, "That's what she said" or I say very sexual things.
Chris, again, said that Rachel's boyfriend was raping her. But I heard from other people that Rachel and her boyfriend would do drugs in a group of friends and Rachel would say that this guy had a huge dick. I was concerned for Rachel. Chris made it sound pretty bad like making sure Rachel didn't eat and making her sit in the mud before class. It sounds like she was doing things to make him happy or placate him because maybe he was violent or raping her. In the years that Rachel and I reconnected after a big blow out-- and continued issues in high school-- we haven't said much about high school or what was really going on. For example, she did have abusive relationships after high school so there is a possibility that her boyfriend in high school was abusive. There was also a bit of a weird triangle between Rachel, Austin and me. I thought Austin would always like me but he dated her and it was all very weird-- like Austin talking in the hallway with me when she went to class. He told me that he loved me the day before he started dating Rachel. He tried to kiss my ear when he and Rachel were on the outs. It was weird. And I heard that Rachel was trying to take my friends and flirt with the abusive guy I dated in high school. I heard from that boyfriend that Rachel blamed me for not having friends in high school-- over a possible pregnancy. I wish I didn't tell the preppy girls about the pregnancy but I was very upset about the situation-- I was venting. I am glad I told the art teacher about it, though. I think he started to see a different side of the situation.

I've ran out of steam. Thanks for reading.