Break Up Blues
I feel like I'm the perpetually single friend. I try to date. I get excited about it and then, nothing. This time was just a matter of timing and priorities-- he started to change his priorities and he choose to spend time in a way that was not helping our relationship.
My old way of dealing with break ups would be to have sex with some ex or someone in the area and drink too much. I stopped drinking because the guy that I was with had never drank or did drugs or smoked. I liked that. I feel like when someone begins a spiritual journey, sometimes they get to a point where they don't do drugs or drink anymore. For a long time, I have ignored that I don't make good judgements when I'm drunk and that it hurts me. I drink wine and get headaches. I ignore them because I'm having wine. I drink hard alcohol and get stomach aches and back pain. I ignored it because I didn't want to feel it.
Right before I started dating my ex, I was getting sad about being single. I drank a lot one night and went home with someone who I knew from the area. He was nice but I wish I just slept in my own bed instead of being at some guy's house. I felt like I had set myself up for not being able to get out of the situation when I wanted to-- since I was too drunk. I can still talk to him if I felt like it but I think we like our time away from each other in our own personal lives.
I see my friends with people they have been with for years. I get jealous that they have been together for so long and it's no question that they'll get married. I wonder now if it'll happen to me.
I'm trying to manage all of this without my usual negative coping skills. I went to the bar last night for some food. I ordered hot chocolate and then some tea. I had done this before-- going to the bar to just have some hot chocolate. This is very confusing for some bar tenders. They want to put alcohol in there. Since it's Lenten season, I can easily say I'm not drinking for Lent. I don't want to be see as some ex-alcoholic who still goes to the bar. I didn't feel that I had alcoholism, although my supervisor has said that I might have it. I was a bit offended when he said this and I felt I was being too honest and open for my own good. I usually drink two mixed drink and have water so I don't drive drunk or tipsy. If I have more than two drinks, I wait it out. Four drinks in a night, though, takes a long time to get through me. I usually stay late if I'm going to do that. There are only a number of times I drank till I blacked out-- maybe 5 in two years.
I just feel that a part of a healthy lifestyle doesn't include alcohol at this time. There have been times I've worried that I wouldn't be able to give up drinking if I ever got pregnant again. When I was pregnant at age 19, I didn't know for the first 4 weeks and I had drank during that time. It's not that I want kids or pregnancy, I just want to know that if I ever felt the need to have kids, that I would be able to set a good example-- and not drink during pregnancy.
So, far, I have yet to go a month without drinking. I drank twice in January with some friends. I had a splash of wine at Christmas dinner. I had a glass at Thanksgiving. I don't feel like I'm starting over every time I drink because it's less and less and it's been greatly reduced since October.
I do what I usually do when I am on the rebound-- scan my mind for anyone who I would feel comfortable sleeping with. This is something that sex addicts do when they are in the middle of a crisis that is overwhelming. And I cycle through this several times. Is there anyone who I know that I would want to sleep with? Is there anyone who has shown me interest who I wouldn't mind sleeping with? Is there anyone who doesn't absolutely disgust me and is worthy of my time and body? I can't think of anyone. I really thought that my last relationship would be the one that would last. So, today, I'm a little lost and I'm trying to find my way. I'll find it soon. I don't want anyone worrying. I don't want the unnecessary questions and constant check ups. It's not something I'm used to.
My old way of dealing with break ups would be to have sex with some ex or someone in the area and drink too much. I stopped drinking because the guy that I was with had never drank or did drugs or smoked. I liked that. I feel like when someone begins a spiritual journey, sometimes they get to a point where they don't do drugs or drink anymore. For a long time, I have ignored that I don't make good judgements when I'm drunk and that it hurts me. I drink wine and get headaches. I ignore them because I'm having wine. I drink hard alcohol and get stomach aches and back pain. I ignored it because I didn't want to feel it.
Right before I started dating my ex, I was getting sad about being single. I drank a lot one night and went home with someone who I knew from the area. He was nice but I wish I just slept in my own bed instead of being at some guy's house. I felt like I had set myself up for not being able to get out of the situation when I wanted to-- since I was too drunk. I can still talk to him if I felt like it but I think we like our time away from each other in our own personal lives.
I see my friends with people they have been with for years. I get jealous that they have been together for so long and it's no question that they'll get married. I wonder now if it'll happen to me.
I'm trying to manage all of this without my usual negative coping skills. I went to the bar last night for some food. I ordered hot chocolate and then some tea. I had done this before-- going to the bar to just have some hot chocolate. This is very confusing for some bar tenders. They want to put alcohol in there. Since it's Lenten season, I can easily say I'm not drinking for Lent. I don't want to be see as some ex-alcoholic who still goes to the bar. I didn't feel that I had alcoholism, although my supervisor has said that I might have it. I was a bit offended when he said this and I felt I was being too honest and open for my own good. I usually drink two mixed drink and have water so I don't drive drunk or tipsy. If I have more than two drinks, I wait it out. Four drinks in a night, though, takes a long time to get through me. I usually stay late if I'm going to do that. There are only a number of times I drank till I blacked out-- maybe 5 in two years.
I just feel that a part of a healthy lifestyle doesn't include alcohol at this time. There have been times I've worried that I wouldn't be able to give up drinking if I ever got pregnant again. When I was pregnant at age 19, I didn't know for the first 4 weeks and I had drank during that time. It's not that I want kids or pregnancy, I just want to know that if I ever felt the need to have kids, that I would be able to set a good example-- and not drink during pregnancy.
So, far, I have yet to go a month without drinking. I drank twice in January with some friends. I had a splash of wine at Christmas dinner. I had a glass at Thanksgiving. I don't feel like I'm starting over every time I drink because it's less and less and it's been greatly reduced since October.
I do what I usually do when I am on the rebound-- scan my mind for anyone who I would feel comfortable sleeping with. This is something that sex addicts do when they are in the middle of a crisis that is overwhelming. And I cycle through this several times. Is there anyone who I know that I would want to sleep with? Is there anyone who has shown me interest who I wouldn't mind sleeping with? Is there anyone who doesn't absolutely disgust me and is worthy of my time and body? I can't think of anyone. I really thought that my last relationship would be the one that would last. So, today, I'm a little lost and I'm trying to find my way. I'll find it soon. I don't want anyone worrying. I don't want the unnecessary questions and constant check ups. It's not something I'm used to.
posted by PandoraAphroite at
9:00 AM
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