Changes

5/2/15

I have jury duty in June. I hope I'm not chosen. I don't think it would help anyone to have a psychologist on a jury.

I've felt better about being single. Even as one of my high school classmates is getting married, and posting it all over FB, I'm happy for her. I would do the same in the situation. I saw a video of a woman laughing while her husband was trying to say his vows and I thought how I am not sure I want a wedding that's all ceremonial and nerve racking. Also, my friend is engrossed in her next relationship, which reminds me of why I don't want to be in a relationship. She wasn't out of her last relationship long before she madly in love with the next guy. I know it's none of my business to judge but it makes me glad to take some time away from relationships.

I've struggled in the last years with my parents. The way they reacted to my rape at 13, their divorce, the snide thing that they've said to me, and how I want to be with them now. My dad seemed like he was getting better. I was able to talk to him about some harsh feelings and some thoughts I had. Then, his father in law died and he's all sad. He told me that his wife is hitting him. I think that if he is that he deserves it but I'm not going to say that to him, ever. I'm not like him-- someone who loves to bring people down or to gloat when they're in a bad place. The last conversation was so awful, I just don't want to talk to him. Then, I tried to talk to my mom about the whole thing and she was trying to make him sound better. Instead, she made him sound like a complete ass and made her look bad as well. She told me that he was conning women out of money before he met her. WTF mom, seriously, you married the guy that had no respect for women and you gave him two kids? The only point she did make was that he doesn't know how to have a family since he spent 15 years not talking to his mom but he did ask her for money for his business and that's how he got farther along in his business. I asked him for money for my trip to Italy. I don't expect him to talk to me for a while. I am a bit sad that I'm going to be on my own for a long time.

At Thursday night poetry, I didn't want to perform. I was just too sad. I also wanted to destroy all my work. It's going to be inspiration for great poetry in the future but right now, I don't want to talk. I hate that I get overwhelmed with my issues with parents. Because of the way my dad is the way he is, my problems aren't important unless someone is dead. So, I feel like in comparison to people who don't have my parents, my issues with my parents is nothing. It can't possibly be that bad. It doesn't even warrant me not talking to them. But I'm done with the crazy.

On my way to see a client, I thought about W again. I have been worried about running into him. I thought about how he could find me when he's ready. And then he contacted me. I don't trust him whatsoever. He didn't even admit that he lied. He said he didn't betray me. Alright, if you want to believe that you didn't betray me, fine but still, admit that you weren't there for me in my time of need, your work was shoddy and you insulted me. He is not with the girl that he was over the moon with when he couldn't be bothered with our friendship. I guess he got on medication too so that helps. We've kept to light conversations. I don't want to be bothered with meeting him right now.

5/3/15

I have a headache again.

I went to church and I was getting very jealous of a guy there. But I also think he has bad business sense. He was nice to me. I was trying to get out of all that. And then he told me I had the wrong friends when I was in San Diego. OK, you know what, no. I don't like people in CA for good reason and I'm not the only one. I'm not going to pretend that I was the problem.

Then, this woman said she felt sorry for me because I couldn't have all the fucking gluten filled treat that everyone brings every week. I said I felt great so I didn't see her point. It's not bad to be fit and not want to have fucking cupcakes and fucking pasta. I'd rather not feel like shit. I don't get treated badly for my allergies, EXCEPT at church. They really put me down for my choices. They've told me before that diets are meant to be broken. And so many other things. I'm grateful for the wait staff who write down that I have allergies to carbs and choose not to bring rice or bread to my table. I thought I'd be judged like those who are a little closer to me.

I just booked a ticket for a single cruise. I feel guilty that I'm doing that. I feel like I'm being mean to Tom but Tom has been very nice about my indecisiveness. And I'm glad that he finally wants to work out. I think that some of my intuition told me that he would get hurt. I was encouraging him to do yoga before he hurt his back. But he also said he wanted to do it in January.

The cruise is in NYC and is 4 hours around the harbor. I'm hoping it'll be great.

I also booked a trip to Italy to see my friend. I am so glad. I was waiting for my dad to help me but I figure that he won't be there for me. I think he wouldn't care if I didn't call him. Also, he's grieving and I don't feel like dealing with him.

I feel dumb for being mad at my mom for a decision she made over 30 years ago. It does effect me though.

I found out that I could possibly get assistance in putting a down payment on a house if I go for a particular program. I'd be happy if I could do that. I'm just getting some info together for a real estate agent. I want either someone in Rotary or someone who is recommended. My friend Tim has been helpful. He's an ex and now he's married. He's always been nice to me.

JZ came down a few weeks ago to try to win me back. But it was the same double message. He came to give me a painting. But he gave me flowers and asked for me back. He wanted to give the painting back because he didn't want it around since it reminded him of me.

I'm thinking of setting up a booth at some of those festivals this summer. I just want to sell some of my artwork before it's laying around. I don't want to be a painter with my work all around me and no way to sell it.

I've been very worried since Getty Images has been bullying me to pay money for accidental use of an image. I went to the BBB and my state's consumer affairs. I contacted one of my state representatives. I'm not paying and I'm going to fight. I think this aggressive and bullying technique is ridiculous. I still feel like shit because I'm standing up for myself instead of just paying it.

I better get going.