The Doctor

I keep having a rash. It's on either side of the top of my vaginal lips. It doesn't matter how I eat, there is a constant rash there. And no matter how much that I do with epsom salt, with tea tree oil in lotion, and probiotics, it doesn't matter-- it still remains. I'm even thinking of getting rid of all underwear that aren't cotton. But this morning, as I was getting pissed off, I was thinking that I forgot to start microwaving my undies so that I can get rid of any other candida that might be still in my underwear. I have to say, it still feels weird down there to take probiotics and have no discharge. But then there's lots of discharge the next day. I'm thinking about getting candidase-- the enzyme that breaks it down. I have a great probiotic, so I know it's not that.

I was reading about how doctors don't treat the body as sacred-- it's just a sort of talk and very scientific, etc. But it reminded me of a time when I wanted to remain comfortable at the doctors-- and I chose to keep my shirt on instead of going down to just my undies. I was about 8. I was developing at that age. I'm sure by being an early bloomer, I was awkward about my body. The other thing that made me uncomfortable was that my mom constantly told me I was flirting-- but she didn't explain how I was flirting and so, I was just uncomfortable. I had also been kissed by my dad's friends. They showed me porn mags. It was weird. So, my mom seemed like she was uncomfortable with me keeping my shirt on because she thought it might tell the doctor that I was abused. I've been getting really angry with her lately of the confusion that she passed on to me. Oh, mom, geez, I'm sorry if I might have indicated that something sinister came along. It must be so embarrassing for you to think that I was abused by people who were around dad. And you didn't do much to protect me. UGH. It makes me sick. One of my dad's friends was weird and had a fit when I closed up and didn't want him to kiss me. He said I was antisocial or something. That didn't tip them off? And my dad's other friend-- the one who showed me porn mags-- he sniffed my crotch at some point while babysitting. UGH.
My therapist is trying to get me to understand my mom. I just feel like my mom didn't acknowledge me-- like getting mad at me for peeing my pants, which I had no control over, BTW, and that she couldn't acknowledge the anger that my dad wasn't around. I called him a sperm donor a lot until she told me that she had a relationship with him so she was offended. OH, REALLY, you're fucking offended. I'm sorry my anger at my dad is uncomfortable for you.

So, my mom is coming to visit for my birthday. I don't know how I'm going to deal with her. She was really rude about meeting Jeremy. I know she has mother's intuition and I trust that-- but seriously, she couldn't just be nice about my dating life. It makes me think that I'm just so unreliable that I can't have a steady relationship, according to my mom.

But here's the thing-- I don't want to hurt my boyfriend through cheating. Joe S has been around and flirting through text, even offering to keep his door open in case I come by. He tells me very nice things and tells me he would have a relationship with me-- which sorta makes me want to break up with my boyfriend or at least cheat. In the past, nothing would have prevented me from going back to Joe S. If he wanted me, I felt obligated. I let my addicted self take over and dissociate and feel guilty. But since Jeremy, I have been feeling more guilty and that I don't want to hurt the guy I'm with. With him, if I cheated, I would do it with someone who I had no feelings for and it was a one-time deal. I didn't want to have something with connection. I just occasionally wanted to fuck, fuck someone else other than my boyfriend at the time-- which I thought would never change. Now, I do want to fuck but I would want a relationship with Joe S and that doesn't work. I've been keeping other guys at a distance too so that I don't have to deal with my addicted self. So, I don't want to hurt my boyfriend and I'm strong in our relationship. Everytime I get too tempted with Joe S, I think of how complicated it was with him. We couldn't go on a 5k, like I did with my boyfriend. I would have had to listen to Joe S complain how he wanted to do it and he couldn't because of work or he was upset that his friend started doing 5Ks when he wanted to do it. It would have been so messy. With my boyfriend, it was a bit difficult to get him to want to run but once there, we had a blast, we took pictures, we just had so much fun. We were both in a great mood afterward. We took a shower, a nap, and watched movies. We had dinner with my roommate and her ex husband. It was just a great day. I feel so great with my boyfriend. Sometimes I even feel that he heals me. I feel like I'm on such a high after he leaves and when he's around. It's just really nice. This weekend, I told him how glad I am to have met him now after being single for a year. I got a lot of things out of my system and I got to see what I really didn't want. And I'm just so glad. I also met him at a time when I was strong in myself that being independent doesn't bother me that much. I don't have to sacrifice everything for a guy. I love that.

Anyway, I better get going.

They don't do anything anyway

My mom was raised as a Christian scientist and resented it. But she still kept some ideas that were imposed on her-- mainly that she doesn't think doctors or cops do much. She was encouraging of my taking advil or tylenol if I had a headache as a kid so at least she trusted pills and chewables.
I was sitting at the psych ER the other day, thinking of the times I'd gone into the doctors and waited, waited, waited, and then no diagnosis. Or the time when I had bad migraines in college and all I was told was to take up to 4 advil at one time. Therapy and a birth control change ended up helping much better.
It also had me thinking of my mom worrying about the neighbors and the police coming to the house. Now, we weren't close to our neighbors. It wasn't like we had to explain ourselves. I'm sure they had questions in their heads but they didn't gossip. Who would they gossip to who knew us?
So, I was 16 when my therapist realized that no police had been involved in the rape case. I had talked about the rape and every one just assumed that it would have been handled. But no, it was swept under the rug. My mom found out maybe a few weeks later but she didn't call the police. When my friends found out about it, they didn't call the police-- they were too busy calling me a slut. Only one friend was a little suspicious but she didn't call the police, neither did her brother who was so concerned that he told everyone. In all of that, no one thought that a 17 year old who was turning 18 should be investigated by the police for "having sex" with a 13 year old. I'm sorry, is this not a federal crime? It was way beyond the age of consent for the state and definitely against federal law. But no one called for three years. My teacher knew-- he didn't think to report. All these people-- my own parents, even in their divorce and civil suit-- NOTHING. Nothing was done.
It just amazes me. All these people knew. My friend's parents knew-- and nothing. Are you fucking kidding me? My own mom didn't even want me to report it-- because nothing would be done about it. Thanks mom. She had her reasons too-- she was harassed by a professor at community college and since he had tenure, the school didn't do anything about it. I guess the police in the late 70's wouldn't have done anything either but who knows.
I don't know how anyone heard about this and didn't do anything. How come?

The police investigated and determined that I just regretted sex. Yep, I've spoken about that.

 It was a different story when I was 23 and I reported it immediately, I went to a counselor at the Rape Crisis Center in Milford and my counselor, Melissa, was so nice. She was very supportive even when the police couldn't do anything because it was my word against his and no evidence. At least the female police officer was very supportive and told me she wanted to go after him. Great, thanks.
One day when I couldn't take it anymore, I found him on Facebook and he did me the best favor-- he moved to California. I was angry that he was in a seemingly good relationship. But at least I didn't have to look out for his truck anymore.

I think the guy who raped me at age 13 is dead. I'd like to think so anyway. I can't find him online. That's a pretty big trick to do that. I also can't find a friend of a friend that I knew when I was 12. I kind of wonder about that. Is he dead too or just not getting online because of stupid high school stuff?

I had a dream about the boy I used to like. It puzzled me because we were close and then not and then we were. He also spoke about his boyfriend. That was weird. I made a little sad painting and saw my friend disappear into a building when I knew she was going to go on vacation.
 I still think back to how crazy I was then and how I just fucked up. But it's for the best. The guy didn't like me that much or at least said he did and then just did the same ol' song and dance-- "I'm busy with work," "I don't have money," "I can't get down to visit you." I was willing to go up and visit as long as I had time. I knew that wasn't always going to be the case but I didn't mind going there at the time. He always reminded me that he told me that, when I don't think he did and even if he did, I believe when people say those things.
At the time, W was all over me. It was pretty bad. I still regret going to Las Vegas with him. It was awful. I think my drinking so much was related to not wanting to be around him and not wanting to be guilted into everything. He didn't even let me take a bath or a shower alone. So annoying. I had two minutes of the bathroom alone. I didn't even write in my journal-- which I try to do every morning. I didn't want to run the risk of him looking over my shoulder as he had done almost every part of the trip. I was glad to see my mom, though.
Now, W is at a distance. I like it better that way. I don't have to worry about if he feels rejected or included. I don't have to spend my free weekends traipsing all over Rhode Island and CT. It's too much. He doesn't realize what he says is heavily judgmental. He wanted to point out to me that I didn't want to be in a relationship and that I was driving to New Haven for it-- and that was all judgment, which he denied. Well, fuck that. It came out as something to the effect of "You're driving to New Haven because you're trying to not be in love." Oh, thanks. Another one of those moments I didn't fucking choose you so now you have to take it out on me. WTF? I deserve to make my own choices. I hated that time when I felt I couldn't because saying no meant some backlash.

It's been really easy not to be around John. OMG. There are times when I'm like, "It would be nice to go to X with John," and then I remembered I heard of his life stories from 15 years ago so, no, I wouldn't actually want to go.
He contacted me about a month ago, wanting to end the silence. And when I confronted him on some of the things he said and some of his hypocrisies, he immediately left the conversation and took me off his friends list. Omg, did you know I was glad and not devastated at all? I thought it was funny. And he again pointed out that my social life was becoming more important than the nonprofit-- but funny how I was hanging out with him 3x a week and that wasn't taking away. I also noticed that he didn't comment on everything before January-- when things with JZ were getting more serious. After January, he commented on everything, talked about his stupid cats, and wanted pictures of everything. He didn't think there was anything wrong with it when I would say, "Hey, this is off topic," or whatnot.  I would even tell him he commented too much and he didn't change. I stopped him from seeing my posts-- which was the beginning of the end. He was not impressed with that. Good. I didn't want to hear about it.

Things with JZ are moving along nicely. I have continued to talk with Joe. I had a break down a few weeks ago because I found out that Joe had wanted more of a commitment so I felt I missed out. But I didn't want a relationship with him. I still miss him but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I might want to have sex with him because damn, it would be tempting.
I talked to my friend Brandon the other day. I dated Brandon when I was in high school so he's known me the longest. Throughout high school, I'd ditch whatever guy I was dating and have sex with Brandon. He attempted to get me to kiss him and sleep with him when I was dating Kaze. I did not let this happen. And after Brandon's marriage fell apart, we talked all the time to get him through. He's a Capricorn and I notice that my Capricorn friends are numerous but also they tend to be very self-centered and interrupt a lot. So, I don't talk about myself too much when I'm on the phone with Brandon. And we actually don't talk much now that he can't use his phone much at work.
The point of all that was that I used to run to him. And with Joe, I want to run to him but I just can't. I don't want to put myself in that place again. A friend pointed out that JZ would never know-- but the point is, I would know and I don't want to put myself there. Also, I don't want to be in the metal frenzy. I also tell myself that I want Joe to trust me if there is ever a time I'm single again.
But the way that things are going with JZ, this is going to be long term, if not marriage. I recently met his parents. I cried with his mom about how wonderful he is-- within the first 5 minutes. I'm going to have Easter dinner with his family. He reminded me to not cry.
So, it still seems that JZ wants me to go visit him. It's getting a bit tiring and it has me thinking that the band really is more important. It's so annoying that we can just see each other. And that he refuses to see that he could come out here on a weeknight. I try to understand why he doesn't but it would be really nice to have him over more often-- without having it to be a bigger deal. I go down there with no problem. At least the sex is improving-- and it's definitely keeping my sex addiction down.

Anyway, I better get going.