My Brain

It's after 6 a.m. and my brain is keeping me awake, trying to get me to write a blog post.
First, I will take pictures of the artwork I made a few weeks ago.
Second, I got into poetry night again. And it reminds me why I started it. It's a voice for me and understanding. It seems like this group talks about some of the injustices they see in the world and that's where I'm coming from. A few weeks ago, a poet named Midnight did some really amazing poetry about love amongst other serious topics. The poetry night has me writing and thinking of poetry again. It's nice to have that outlet.
This weekend, I attended two concerts in Boston and stayed at my friend's house. I was honest with myself and really wanted to spend time with my friend and the guy I liked/used to like. My friend had a party and I decided to attend a concert. it's what I was looking forward to do and I know she would be distracted by others.
The first concert was amazing. I even got pulled on stage for wearing Day of the Dead make up. The second one had a lot of complications and by the end of the night, I was happy to get back to my friend's place.
Saturday, I decided to meet with another friend in the Boston area- my ex actually. And we had lunch and I stayed until the concert started because it was a 10 minute walk from his place. He got a last minute gig that night. He had hinted at lunch that he was using me as a stress release and I thought we were just enjoying each other's company but he expected a continuation of July, where we had a week of sex on his vacation from work. So, I listened to him bitch, we watched movies and cuddled, which is all I want right now. He tried to get me in the mood in the usual ways and I just couldn't. He didn't get my motor running. I think I was also stressed about make up, the concert, tony getting there for the concert and doing his make up, and all of that. And I had stayed up late the night before. At one point, I fell asleep.
I think my friend's house is haunted. I woke up early, thinking I had heard a little girl's voice say, "I can't."
Things are relatively chill at his place with about 7 or 8 roommates so when he left with his sister, I sat around talking with his roommates and listening to Beats Antique, who I was seeing that night. And his roommate has some amazing mental health care/ support staff job that is completely different from the experience I had while working at the mental hospital.
I drank before the concert. And during the concert, a girl came up to me before Tony came, and just talked to me about drugs and her love of the belly dancer with the band. I found it odd because I feel so square. According to her, she was really high. And I couldn't understand why she'd want to be really drunk, high on pot and do cocaine. It's just weird. I also think it's low class but I know some rich people have drug problems too. I just don't understand it. But then I think about it-- oh yeah, issues. I've found this life is pretty damn amazing sober so, I don't get away from it too often.
So, she was a bit annoying and doing drugs. Eh. I thought she was looking to steal or sleep with me. I think it would be nice to be with a girl but in this case, no. I don't have anything to offer- like drugs.
Once Tony got there, this chick wasn't having it and she left. I saw her skipping and smiling with some other chick. She was also getting to that freak out stage in getting high so I was glad she left.
My car got blocked in at my ex's house so I wasn't able to drive it home. I also almost had a crying fit earlier in the day because I couldn't get over the bridge to my ex's place from harvard square. He nicely guided me through, like he did before. So, I was able to get to his neighborhood, which I know better.
I got back to my friend's place and a lot of her friends were still there, including the guy I liked, who I had been texting to say if I was on my way or not. I know that he had to take public transit and was surprised he didn't so, I kind of thought he might be around to spend the night or spend some time talking. He avoided me. He was up and about with everyone else, which I hadn't got to see before. And I saw what a jerk he could be. But I found out later, he was fairly drunk. Crazy. So, he left and my friend's husband was finally back after some upset that happened before I got there. Found out later, he does this when he blacks out and denies what happened. When my friend's husband came back, the friends searching for him came back too. And then I couldn't get away from the curse of venus. The guy I liked had a roommate. I think the roommate was hitting on me, awkward. And there were lots of people who thought they had met me before but probably had just seen some photos with my friend or on her facebook.
I sat down in a chair and eventually, two guys sat down on either side-- a long time friend of my friend on my left and my friend's brother-in-law on the right. Both talked and flirted nonstop. After an hour, listening to both of them go on, I went to bed. I even got testy because of the whole day's events and not just what was happening then but took it out right there. I reached my tolerance. But I have to say, it's also that I haven't been hit on that hard in a long time. And the constant noise just wasn't my thing.
The brother-in-law reminded me of guys I had dated before. They have low self-esteem but are attracted to me and feel some self-esteem by holding my interest. But they like to be the center of attention and get upset when they're not. It creates drama.
The life long friend of my friend was just too much immaturity for me. He made butt sex jokes and just some other jokes I wasn't too keen on. But when I left to take my face paint off, he came to find me to talk. It was nice but I was a little put off by it.
After I had went to the guest bedroom, maybe 30 minutes later, he was in there, "lost." He said he was going to sleep on the floor and then got on top of the covers. He started talking, mostly asking questions. And in the brief interactions, he came up with some theories of who I am, which were fairly accurate. Scary. And then asked to cuddle. He told me he really was compelled to make out with me, which we eventually got to. He was all about the compliments, which were more than just "wow, you're pretty." It was "I find you beautiful," "I want to know more," etc. First, I was not impressed with him. Second, I know my friend slept with him a few years ago and I've always tried to avoid any drama with past feelings. And third, I'm still working on overcoming my sex addiction and finding healthy sex. So, I felt awkward that this is the second friend of this friend who has liked me. It feels weird, like this friendship most likely will be effected by this in some way, just like how I avoided parties after my ex and I broke up-- even though I  usually blamed money-- but that's a whole other story with my friend R.
I kept hearing my intuition say not to have sex with this guy and I didn't. But when another friend walked in the room in the late morning, we looked like we were in a comprimising position, just cuddling. And the friend made it clear, he spent the night on the couch and heard us talking into the early morning and then woke up to us talking, as if we talked all night. We slept for a few hours. And the guy who liked me made it clear to me, he was very interested in me.
At some point in the night, the guy told me he loved me. I don't know if it was rum, he hadn't been near a girl in a while, or if he was saying it in some attempt to have sex, but it was weird. I didn't discourage it, just ignored it until I brought it up later. He said he didn't know what I was talking about but later admitted that he had said it. I just told him, "I guess when you know, you know."
It was cute to see him vulnerable- asking for cuddles and saying he wasn't acting as his friend's expected.
A few things I do like about him- he's an engineer (and I know how to talk to engineers and like them better than most people), he owns his own business, he also works a second job and worries about bills, and he was willing to be vulnerable in a sweet way. But, some of the stories I've heard make him sound like an asshole, he acts immature around his friends, he's Atheist, and he reminds me of my ex, Adam, who was usually in some intelligence contest with me about who knew more studies in psychology-- and it wasn't him. Adam tapped in to some highly feminine energy within himself, which came out as flamboyant at times but he just really accepted this side of him. If his ego gets hurt, though, he attempts to balance himself out. I heard one time after he was rejected, he walked around without his t-shirt on. He also disappeared and lost his phone one of the last time I saw him and he had insisted we sleep together. You know, I've been down this road before and no....
So, I'm reluctant about all these things with my friend's life long friend-- let's call him Russ. I know I should have done that before but I'm doing it now. I told him about liking the other guy, but didn't use his name, and Russ seemed ok with it. Not sure if that's true but it'll be fine for now.
The guy I liked stopped by to pick up his coat late Sunday night. He did the same thing as the night before, ignored me. I called him out. He was not happy that I did that at my friend's house with them in earshot. I forgot he's private. But later we agreed that we like each other but our past is just not good and it prevents us from being right for each other. The distance doesn't help either. I wish I had more control over my emotions with him. When I see him or talk about him, my stomach sinks and suddenly I have to use the restroom. If I talk about him or like now, write about him, my stomach becomes so upset that I fart. It's so uncomfortable. Sometime I'm naseaus. My hands become clammy. My head gets into a tizzy. I can't think straight. My body becomes tense. My throat dries. Last night, I was holding my feet- something I recently noticed I do when I'm anxious with company. I felt fine after going to the bathroom. But at the end of the night, I was disappointed and that's when I let him know. I just wanted him to say, "yes, I'm not interested. I've been doing everything I can to avoid you and I don't want to talk about this now. Good-bye."
But obviously we talked. And I feel fine. But I feel like it would be easy for my friends to see that hours earlier, I was with Russ, flirting and being affectionate. And then demanding that this other guy tell me he's not interested. It seems like some player moves I used to do.
I reflected on it more as my mind wouldn't let me sleep past 6:30 this morning and had been bothering me since 5:30, replaying and thinking. And I guess I'm used to other girl friends. R would have probably said something to me now about either Russ or having concerns about my player ways that seem to come up. But those times are usually only reserved for when the girl friend is friends with the guy of interest. R has supported me when I was dating Tim off and on, even though I think she met him all of twice and he wasn't/isn't that talkative. Those talks sometimes come when the girl friend has met the guy and doesn't like him. So, in other words, I thought my friend would take a moment to discourage me and seem upset with me. But this friend isn't like that usually. If she has her reservations, she might let me figure out what the person is like anyway and come to my own conclusion, which is nice but disorienting. I'm just worried that underneath it all, she's really upset and I don't know so, our friendship could me on the line and I wouldn't know. I guess it's so different that I just don't know how to act so, I'm anxious and scared. But I'm realizing this is probably what guys go through when they date me. I was very reluctant to say it for a long time but I'm not a typical girl so, my reactions are not those of a typical girl so, this is what it's like on their end. Damn. But I'm upfront most of the time and I'm guessing it's alarming. But at times, I don't care, I.e. Ali. Ali can do what he wants. When he looks at other girls, I think that he's at least honest and the girls he checks out are pretty. But I think he doesn't know what to do when I laugh instead of get offended when he does it. The thought has passed my mind sometimes of maybe marrying him. I am not emotionally involved so, maybe i'd have some sort of good relationship. I don't care if he sees other people and for the most part, I most likely won't see other people, I might get bored or something and go to someone else occasionally. But what does it matter. This has made me think that I just really want the paper to say I'm married but don't want a relationship. I'm examining what it means to have the paper.
On other notes, I slept with a local musician a year ago. At the time, I had been rejected and my prospects looked disappointing. When I see him now, I get high off of his good vibes and his music is good. I love his voice. So, I texted messaged to say I had a dream about him- no other details and honestly, not a sex dream. And he says his girlfriend got upset. Ok, what about the girls on FB who say they love you? I feel like if he wanted his space, then he could have told me, it didn't have to involve his girlfriend. I got the sense that he is actually worried about it working out so, he wants to bolster it now. And I figured out he had a girlfriend, he hasn't winked too often in his texts, like he used to. I also think he wanted to use her as an excuse so he didn't have to take responsibility. But I also wonder if he gave a look, if he didn't say something to reassure her that he wasn't interested in me and did not have feelings for me. Or maybe he said we slept together last year and we are ok with the situation, no harm/ no foul but she got upset.
I was mad for maybe two or three weeks. I have been assuring myself that I really don't care to be in this drama and that I need to give it time. His phone number was taken out of my phone. My psychic friend said he'd contact me but he's not that type of person. I wonder, too, if this was his way of creating a stronger emotional bond between us, because let's face it, I was really upset. But I wonder if it's a karmatic pattern. He's acting similar to Kaze- pushing me away to focus more on his one and only- to make sure she's the only. But I really don't know.
Last night, my friend Frank was checking in with me about an issue with dating. He stopped a guy from barebacking him and was shocked that the guy didn't ask about HIV status. This brought up a life long issue for me. I worry about my status. I don't stand up for myself, don't always ask questions, don't always insist on condom use, and even get frustrated when a guy has to look or leave to get condoms. I worry that when I have a cold, it's really HIV, mouth sores- AIDS. I also worry that my insides are really torn apart from when I was raped in Florida and because I didn't say anything to my gyno, she doesn't look for it. But I've seen videos of what a healthy gyno exam looks like to the gyno and she would see it. They see the walls when the go in so, she would know.
In one of my poems, I called my brother a drunk. Although I know this is true, it makes me uncomfortable. It's like I'm revealing family secrets. It's like I am doing wrong by them if they knew I said that.
I'm out of steam. Till next time.

Later:
I've gone back and forth about meeting with the guy I used to like. I guess it comes down to whether I think it would be a productive outing and if I would do it for anyone else. Right now, no, but I don't have the finances to head up to Boston all the time. If I did, maybe it wouldn't be a big deal because I would be up there anyway so it would just be an added bonus if we got to hang out and talk about everything like we have in the past.

Joe came by my house today. He told me he drove past. I wasn't home and wasn't going to be home for a while, until after he had to sleep so, I wasn't interested.
I talked to my friend Lucius today and he was encouraging but he's also celibate and I'm not sure if he has healthy sexual boundaries either.
I'm gearing up to head to New Haven with John tomorrow to meet Lucius and go over things for the nonprofit like mission statements and laws. It'll be interesting. Maybe this is my board and that's what will be what it is. I did contact the mayor where I live and he and some of the other staff are thinking of people who might be interested in joining a nonprofit board that helps people to get money for therapy and supplies.
And I've gone into business mode so I'm going to go on to what I have to do or I'm going to rest. Either one works. LOL. 

Blame and Friendships

I know it's confusing but a few months before Kirk raped me, I dated a guy my age named Kurt. Kurt ended up having places on the school property where he brought girls and fondled them. After we broke up, I decided I didn't like that that had happened so, I went to the principal and told. It was a big ordeal, even including the superintendent named (I'm serious) Mr. Pain. After months of talking to our friends and etc, the principal and vice principal, who were both female, told me that Kurt's consequence was learning about sexual harassment for 10 hours. I said, "OK," but I wasn't. Really, he fondles me and others on campus and he just has to learn about it? Ugh. But at the end of the experience, the principal had asked me, "How was he supposed to know that it wasn't OK to touch you?" She even pointed out that I held his hand. I got this underlying message of, "If you date someone, they have the right to touch you" or even "Why did you date him?" For years after, I was upset, thinking that she blamed me-- saying that since I held his hand, he could touch me. I remember my mom was keen on how I acted after he fondled me and it wasn't long after that he broke up with me. I'm serious, his break up was a social/political move since I had a falling out with a group of people because they thought that I called a very sweet girl a bitch when I actually called a very bitchy girl a bitch-- but no one could figure out who I was really talking to... etc.
So, even before Kirk raped me, I was having trouble with shame, guilt, friendships, and sex. I went from one school that was across town to another and knew only one person. But her and her friends were fucked up and really mean about some things-- especially with their parents. So, I'm glad that they excluded me so I could find the nice people my age but I never felt like I fit in anywhere in my home town. I jumped from group to group of friends, feeling like I walked in the party late and most of the good stuff had happened. I mean these groups took me in until drama happened, which will happen with teens. But it felt like everyone else had these awesome, close friendships and I only had passing friendships. I didn't have friends for the long term. I moved from school to school (by my choice), lost contact or out grew friendships, and then moved on to the next person/group of people. While I was invited to do some fun things, I wasn't invited to do everything since I wasn't a part of the group. It seems like that some sort of karmatic pattern or at least a strong pattern in this life. My mom even told me stories about how I was close with some girls in kindergarten and they just put me down (yes, little 5 year olds insulting others' clothing).
It feels weird that I was considered so sensitive because I'd cry at the least bit emotional thing but that my brothers would make fun of me for being so aggressive and dominate-- telling me I'd wear the pants in my relationships. When I was 10, a guy's mom told my mom that I was overbearing. This was Rafael's mom. Rafael's mom did not bring this up at the best time-- she was the principal of my brother's middle school and after he got in trouble, my mom came to her office and then, his mom had this conversation. While Rafael has been sweet at times, he's also fucked some things up and that's why currently we are not talking and haven't talked since about 2011. It took him a while to realize his mom didn't like me. It was a dinner we had with his parents in 2009 that sealed it-- his mom is usually talkative and she was quiet around me. He's funny, though, and wanted to pretend more that we were together-- just to really piss her off. I don't know how a mom holds a grudge for 15 years-- against her son's friend!
And yet, I can. I had a friend, Atwood, who I used to hang around in a big group. I dated him for a month or something when we were 12. His mom found out that I had had sex at age 13, gave me a lecture when I called to talk to Atwood-- about how I could get STDs. Atwood told me that because of this terrible thing that happened to me and his parents only hearing that it was sex, I would never be OK to enter his life again. DAMN, that's some shit from some Christians. They knowingly let us hang out once-- but it was a big deal. Also, his dad supposedly yelled at a boyfriend of mine (JC), asking if he was getting "stink finger" from me. What adult fucking does that? But at the same time, JC and his friend James loved to make up shit. They would make up that someone was joking around and saying "Write 'Slut' on my arm.... No, why don't you just write 'Venus [my name]' on my arm? It's the same thing." And this girl didn't know me to say stuff like that-- but somehow she was saying it all the time?! Or they were just making it up. Not the first time that some teens made some shit up because they were bored or hanging out and bored/joking. This is supposedly the same group, 4 years later, dared JC to have sex with his exgirlfriend and that's when he came out of the closet, telling all people present that in the middle of having sex with the poor girl that he realized he was gay. He was 18 at the time and I don't think you just realize you're gay in the middle of sex-- you've most likely known since you were 4, when gender identification happens so, the story all around sounds like b.s. But damn, these people should write books on how many lies they've told that were so outrageous.

I know in the last paragraph, I wrote that Atwood's parents were Christians. It was because of all this judgement from people who were going to Christian churches and not reaching out to me, that I stepped away from the Christian church. I am back at a church with Christian roots but it is not this type of Christianity. It's a church that's open to more mystical things-- open to other religions like the Native American ones, like Pagan ones, but sometimes include people who talk about God and Jesus. They also do hands-on healing and mediumship because they believe in a life beyond this one.

I'm still struggling with friendships. I feel like I'm closer to having some that are healthy. I was with an acquaintance and we were talking about the adults that she knew. At one point, last month, she had said she wanted to be a grown up. Grown up is very different from an adult-- and every time she says "grown up," I just imagine a 4 year old with a brief case, pretending to be a lawyer. "I'm a grown up." And I'm getting around to knowing healthy adults. At the same time, it's a slow going process because I know a lot of losers and I know some people who are becoming adults but aren't there yet. It's probably why I isolate myself.

My supervisor and I talked about healthy sexual attitudes-- so that I could be better educated and help people. He knows my struggles. And even when I took Human Sexuality in undergrad, we talked about the more outskirt topics-- i.e. disabilities, lgbt, rape, etc. and some other things like spirituality. But the spirituality was just an extra lecture. We talked a little bit of communication. And we talked about normal activity i.e. erection, plateau, orgasm, etc. It wasn't anything about healthy sexual behaviors so I always had the impression that there wasn't any. Anyway, back to my supervisor. He asked me if I knew anyone with a healthy sex life-- I couldn't tell him. The friends who talk about it usually are bragging, just talking about it, or saying something but not much. I.E. the most recent conversation that I can think of that wasn't bragging or just sharing-- was with my friend Nicole who just got married. We were in the bathroom at her bachelorette party, talking about how great the relationship with her husband is-- and how their sex life is different than her previous relationship. She said, "Yeah, clearly since I'm pregnant," which makes me happy for her since her ex had issues with painful erections and therefore would not be in the mood often. She would be in their apartment, attempting to entice him before she would take matters to her vibrator. But it's not like I asked if the orgasms are better or she's getting enough. She barely wanted to talk about it since her sister-in-law had discouraged it the whole night-- which was unfortunate for her bachelorette party and the sex toy representative who did her whole presentation. It was on our minds but to not talk about it--- sucks. 
So, yes, I don't know healthy sexual behaviors. My supervisor usually surprises me with facts like married couples usually have sex twice a week and maybe once a week with kids. What, really? This is not in pop culture and I have never heard of such a thing! When I was with Kaze and we were living together, when we didn't feel connected, we didn't have sex for months. It also became difficult for me to have sex the closer it got to me leaving to CT because he wasn't coming with me. So, again, no healthy sexual attitudes for me, which is embarrassing. I want to know that!

On the topic of Kaze, I thought about him the other day. I was thinking about if he had come out here, would we be married. I can see what in the relationship my mom saw and how she thought we'd be together because damn, Kaze loved me hard core. I don't think he'll get over me, even though he's married. But I don't feel I've ever loved and when it comes down to it, the relationship was never going to fulfill my emotional needs. We didn't have that emotional connection. We were like roommates or two ships passing in the night. Although I can appreciate that we had a life together and I was able to have a life separate, neither was the life I wanted. I think deeply, I cared for Kaze and if bad things happened to him, I would feel really sad, even to this day. But that relationship was never going to fulfill my needs. Kaze was there for me financially. And now that I know more about CT, I know he could have gotten a REALLY, REALLY good engineering job with some of the companies here. But he wasn't there in some of the areas I really needed him to be there.  Also, at the end of the day, he didn't support me working with kids. I know that we both made jokes about how awful kids were and how we wanted to scream in their faces to tell them that life was too short to be so entitled and to get involved with b.s. But I really think that either, he would have been like coming home to a very needy person, which I don't want to do after working with kids all day, or he would make the scream-in-the-face comment and I wouldn't feel like what I did mattered or that what I did was so frustrating that I shouldn't be doing it-- so in a way, discouraging.

I was listening to Robert Ohotto yesterday and I like that he's a man who talks about how women are devalued because she doesn't feel empowered and she prays to a God, named He, and about the patriarchy. Sometimes when I get deeply into my dislike for the patriarchy, I feel crazy. I feel like I come off crazy. But at the same time, I want men to have equality too. I want men to feel comfortable with their emotions, to feel comfortable with themselves, and to not be considered "gay" if they enter into a mostly female field. Sometimes I really need the good vibes from just hearing about good spirituality. The other thing I like about Robert Ohotto is that he talks beyond "The Secret." He talks about a shadow side and how that can undermine someone's good goals. I was listening to an old podcast and he was talking about how he believes someone's negative vibes can be called a "spell." He talks about past lives and how that can be a part of karma but also, he talks about how it may not matter if a person feels that a karmatic pattern is from this life or a past life. So, nice to hear when I need something to just have good vibes.


Update: As much as I get slightly envious of my friends who are happily married, and the ones who I kinda know are doomed to fail, I know what my passion is-- and that's my work. For example, a few days ago, I bought tickets to some shows in Boston for next weekend. At the end of it, there was a survey with a chance to win some prizes. As I'm going through the prizes, there was a chance to sign up for magazines. I signed up for 4 magazines-- three were related to work. And I'm so excited to get them. I'm like, "YEAH!" I wanted Inc, Money, and I'll try Entrepreneur. And I got Travel and Leisure just to round out the experience. I cannot wait to get them.
I sometimes feel that money is a man's world. But I want to be up and understand it! So, I'm so excited to get Money magazine.
Also, I just posted like 2 minutes ago and already had 5 views by the time I came back to edit. DAMN. 



I've ran out of steam. I'll update later.

It was good

I've been getting at least one reader per day for about a month. The referral sites have been mostly sexy dating sites and I can't figure out why.
I almost posted the entry about my rape on my FB wall. I wanted my mom and brother to read it. I almost talked to my mom about it but her husband's in recovery for his heart surgery and now the recovery is going really slow so, I'm not going to bring it up for now.

Today, I'm glad I didn't because my friend W is on my friend's list still and we're going through some tough times. I think he would know who he is when I write about him. He lent me some money and had talked about taking another trip to Vegas. Then, he cancelled the trip to Vegas. I also was reluctant to go to Vegas for NYE because it's Vegas for NYE. I know lots of people love those type of things but I don't want to be there in my recovery. Plus, the last trip still leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. And every time I hang out with W, we go between really funny moments to really serious ones where he's telling me all that I'm doing wrong or trying to find more information about things I don't want to talk about with him.
I talked to my ex, Jeremy, and realized that we are either joking and then talking about either heavy stuff in our lives or just the basic stuff. It doesn't get to the point of being really sad or feel like he's attacking me and my choices. It's why we are still friends. I feel like of all the guys I dated, Jeremy was the one who let me be independent, didn't question my choices, understood me, and let me be. He did the same. He hung out with his friends, did what he had to do for work and school, and it was fine. We broke up because of some concerns I had about his priorities with finances and his health. Even though he is young, he has an old soul and from his old soul, he acts like an old man and he has issues an old man would have like hearing loss. Sometimes his feet or hands would get numb. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. It was also a big to-do if he came to visit me so I visited him all the time-- and it became a problem on me financially.

I went 9 weeks without sex. W was the last person I had sex with. And this week, when I started letting the week get me down, by all the time I worked and not getting new clients this week, I got caught up with some of my ex boys. Randomly, this guy Ali texted me to say he missed me. He wants to be friends because he's enjoyed my company before and he is not happy with the girls he's been dating. I get it, though, it's a line. And after the restaurant where he works closed for the night, we went in to hang out-------- and ended up having sex. For once in a long time, I felt horny. I haven't been there in a long time-- but I've also been avoiding any situation where that might happened. So, now I'm here. It was good. And yet, it's so who I used to be-- sex without connection. I don't care if I hear from him again. I didn't like him that much when we were dating and I didn't consider him mine. He used to look at girls when we were hanging out or show me pictures he took in New York of pretty girls-- and I would find it interesting. This is not the same for someone I like.
For someone I like, any girl around him is who he's fucking. He's really dating someone else, he just hasn't told me. In reality, I date a lot of guys who select who they like and if it's me, they may not even look at anyone else. They're the type of guy who doesn't get hit on often and if they do, they politely decline. But in my mind, they sleep with everyone. They have someone on the side. They like someone else-- and they're just sorta into me for the time being. And now, writing that out, that's really me. It's my situation. I often date people even though I like about 5 other people and have to give up those crushes or those possible relationships. I've casually dated before and thought that everyone else was dating someone else too-- but it really was most of the time only me who was actually looking at other people and dating them. I don't always know how to decline someone whose interested--- going back to everyone encouraging me to entertain the idea of relationships with men who I am not really interested in. Oh, the lack of voice.

So a few days after Ali, which was a brief interaction, I got a text from my ex, Joe. Joe knows that I've been going through all this stuff about my rape and have been avoiding everyone. But suddenly, I was horny again. And I just on impulse invited him over. And it was more than an hour of amazingness. I was a little different. He wanted to try new things. And it was the comfort of an old lover. I felt sexy and I haven't felt that way in a long time. I continue to go back and forth about "why can't we just be together?" and "I know why."

I'm trying not to beat myself up over my fall off the wagon. I don't want to make it like no big thing-- because that will let me just get to the point where I was before-- sex without respect and the sacredness of sex. Sex without a true love connection. The reason I gave myself before was that I'm not going to find my soul mate so, why not have all this sex? Well, it didn't bring me happiness. It was a cover for loneliness and feeling abandoned. The sex in the moment feels good but the situation doesn't make way for happiness. And that puts me here. I don't want to get so down on myself that I tell myself it doesn't matter and continue the cycle. I want to remind myself that I did this because I was not getting deeply into my creative outlets, I was feeling overwhelmed and I've been wound tight lately. I have tried other things like bath and I have a new journal that allows for artwork every day. But I fell off the wagon. At least it was more than 2 months without sex. In 2010, I gave up sex for Lent and I didn't succeed-- that was only 40 days! I had even thought that God didn't want me to actually give up sex for all that time since he put such a sweet looking guy in front of me. It was probably the devil tempting me and yet, I made the excuse.
I almost feel like I have the status quo of who I am-- anxious, depressed, over thinking things, and yet creative-- and that putting myself in situations where I'm allowed to continue those things-- like with sex without a relationship or love-- that I don't have to change to a better life. I continue to be angry at myself the same way I've always known to be. 

Earlier this week, I wanted to dominate someone. I almost set something up with a friend. He wanted some things that I wasn't comfortable with if I was going to be the dominate one so, I gave it up. I miss my old submissive and let that submissive know that I wanted to talk. We'll talk soon. I have some updates for him. We haven't talked in a while because he wanted me to call him more often and follow through with when I said I would call him but my brain would get all worked up over other things and completely forget that I told him I'd call him. And most nights, I don't mind texting or emailing but talking on the phone is a lot. I just don't want to be bothered. And during the day when I'm free, most of my friends can't talk because of work. ugh.

Thursday night, I went to a poetry reading. I'll be going more often if it's all about the same theme-- the injustices of the white patriarchy. There were two great poets there and they said that they liked my work. OMG, THANK YOU!!!! I was so encouraged and humble and grateful that these two really great poets liked my work! I want to do it again. I think it's more my speed than the game night. The people are intense and clearly doing these things for friendship but also because they love games. And the people there are great except for the guy I got close with-- Justin. Justin used to berate me during games or say really inappropriate things. But what I've been learning lately with reminding my clients of their boundaries is that I can tolerate really bad behavior from people because it's the norm for me.

I guess I should have known that I was not doing well when I wanted someone to dominate but I thought and hoped it had gotten out of my system. I guess I haven't talked about it much but a friend got me into financial domination and I really like it. I have some male friends who know I do this and they are happy to oblige when I have the need for it. It's really nice. I tell them they have a small dick or let them touch my feet and then I get money. It's a simple exchange. No sex. I am still learning how to do it. I was going to have my friend open a credit card for me under his account-- and to put money in my account so that I know he's submissive to me and if he didn't do it correctly, I was going to tell his friends about it. And in the end, he wanted me to give him a hand job to seal the deal and I refused. I want sex to be sacred. There's something about it that makes me feel really sexy and powerful. But when my friend wanted the sex part, I was not OK with that. This is sexy and powerful by humiliation and money without sex. It's what I like about it. I know it's taken me a long time to understand it but I do like it when it's done nicely. I've never met the man who has been my submissive for at least 10 years. We used to talk about him coming down to San Diego to clean my apartment in a maid's outfit but I wasn't really into it then. We met on some dating site when I was looking to date women. I've seen pictures. He's hot. But I like the distance. He's talked about going farther like going furniture shopping together where I basically act like a queen and say, "You're getting me that," "I want that," and he just does it. I think of it like this-- if men feel that their value is from money, then I can make them feel vulnerable and raped if I take their money. It's a power trip-- just like rape. I know this is a by product of my situation but it definitely feels good. I only do it with men who approach me first about it. I don't like to approach boyfriends or what not about it because I'm still learning and I feel that as long as I'm not exchanging sex with these other men then it doesn't matter to my relationships if I continue to do this. Plus, the submissive likes it when I taunt him with things like, "I'm going to take my boyfriend out on a date and you're going to pay for it because you're a pathetic little man whose lucky to have me in his life." I also think of it as putting the angry/mean part of me into someone who likes it. It's really weird to write about it but it's better for my recovery if I do talk and write about these things. If I keep it a secret then it seems shameful that I'm doing it.

I'm reading Revolution from Within and I'm getting really into it. It's almost an easy read but it's making a lot of sense for me. But I left it at the office and I'm not sure if I'll be able to pick it up so I picked out a few books I can read while working at the group home-- either the book about pagans (which is good for this time of year and what I wanted to read to help an associate understand pagans better as she is identifying as one now) or "Joyful Wisdom" because the introduction was about "The age of Anxiety" and I definitely feel that.

I feel like poetry gives me a voice.
I told the guy in his 50's that I was not interested in seeing him romantically but as a friend. It was right after he told me he wants to see me more often to get to know me better. I couldn't go on pretending I was OK.
I told my friend W that I would be planning to do other things on NYE without him-- although I didn't bring it up in quite the right way so now the money that I borrowed, he wants it back.
I still worry I'll be just floating along-- and so I tried to get a deferment for my student loans. It's the second time I've had to do it but I feel good about it. I haven't had to do it in 2 years. The payments were manageable and now they're not. I only have 3 payments left on my car. I think I had a 4 or 5 year loan and once this all gets done, I will have paid off my car in 3.5 years-- which is both good and bad. Good for me and my credit but slightly bad for my credit because banks like to know that they'll get the most out of you being a customer and if you pay it off early, they don't have the chance to screw you more. Oh, credit. 

I better get going. I've ran out of steam.