update 2

The client who was supposed to be here didn't show up. Very odd.
I like my easy going friends. I think most of my other friends have been really cool if I wanted to do something that they couldn't afford or weren't interested in doing. And other friends who told me to find something to do because they had obligations to attend to and wanted me to do my own thing. This friend was detail oriented. She wanted to know exactly when I'd be there and exactly when I'd leave. I understand if she wants to coordinate with her boyfriend, however, it came off as "Could you hurry up and leave? I just want to see him." I decided not to spend the night becaues I know that Sunday mornings with a partner are so relaxed and nice to experience. I knew I might want to linger and that didn't seem welcomed. So, we'd only have a couple of hours together. And that just wasn't what she wanted. She sort of blamed me for giving up that time as leaving her boyfriend at her place. I was pissed that she seems him all the time. She sees him way more than she sees me or her other friends. When I had originally made plans with her, she said she'd be fine without her boyfriend. He'd have to find something to do. OK, WTF happened? At the end of an argument about this, she said she valued my friendship and wanted to see me at some point. The last thing I said to her was that she had an odd way of showing it.

This reminds me of so many things, mostly related to W. I went to visit W one time and he had told a friend he'd help her pack. We decided to meet back at a subway in a couple of hours. My phone immediately died. I went to a little track where people were running and there was football practice. It was cool. I also went to a coffee shop that had green tea with bergamot. Bergamot is my favorite and I haven't had the chance to have it since I can't have black tea. It was wonderful. I went shopping too. It was a perfect time.
But W also had issues after he started dating his previous girlfriend. He was doing all sorts of manipulative things and wasn't there for me during my break up. And then after we were reunited again, he couldn't handle my anger about the whole situation instead of just saying sorry.

I realized it's tough for me to not trust someone who I think is an expert. An art therapist who writes books about art therapy, ones I've had to read during the time in grad school, contacted me. She wanted to bully me about writing a piece about coloring books. It's such a white problem. She seemed to threaten me with being an honorary member of the Ct Art Therapy Assoc.. I'm not registered as an art therapist since it's the same work I had to do for my license but it doesn't bring me any money. Insurances don't accept that recognition. She accused me of all sorts of things she couldn't have known or that were really off. She made bold statements and when I asked her to give me resources, she got more upset. At some point, she did say she was upset. But she did it in a way that made it seem like I was some ant in her life. At the same time, she was the one who was causing all sorts of problems. She thought I was testing her. I was but it shouldn't be something more that some info could have soothed. I wanted explanations. I wanted exact information. I was not given those things. Every time I've said this story, and explained she was an internet troll with a Ph.D., people say she's a narcissist and an asshole. I can accept that. But at first, I thought she was right and I was just being a rebel. And second, that she was so fucking petty that she might go after my license. She doesn't like that I have a couple of pieces of artwork on my webpage from kids. I can't find anything about this-- and according to this person, every counselor who she has consulted with about using client artwork online, especially if they're under age, the counselor lost their license. I doubt it. Anyway, that's over and some of my art therapy friends know that some people in this field are shitty and are bullies. It's surprising but they might find themselves in my position if they dare speak out against something.

I met someone. I have no hopes that it'll work out. He's close to Boston. He's very cool and we're alike. But I don't think he's for me. I want to be in NYC. It's sad. I feel used. The sex was great but of course, it can be if it's a one night type of thing. It wasn't my intention to have a one night stand. I want someone in my life. But since there's not a romantic partner in my life, I'm fine with my toys. They're working out just fine.

I'm reading about Daughters of Divorce. It's helping me see some things. But it angered me that there was a whole section on misconception of daughters trying to reconnect with their dads. They were all true for me. And the points they made just don't ring true for me. There really is nothing left to say to my dad. There really is no way he's going to change. I can't change what he did or how much hurt he bestowed on this family or on me. He's never going to admit it. And that's where I am. Even talking to him or trying to joke with him doesn't work well. I sent him an obituary of a man whose wife and girlfriend both put a listing in the newspaper. He said that it was such an N-word thing to do. No, it's something that would happen to him. There's no use. I just can't deal with him so, again, back to no communication. I thought with all the work I was doing that talking to either of my parents would be easy. It's not. It's just not where I want to be. I usually had a good relationship with my mom. She's been busy for a while and I don't want to talk to her. I'm upset at her too because of the many things that happened in my childhood. I know both of them tried their best and I can still be uspet about it because it doesn't hurt any less.

I better go.

An update

It's been a while.
I dated someone for three weeks. He was adding more crap to my life so clearly, he had to go. I knew that there was going to be issues so I think that's why I didn't say much to anyone about him. A couple of people knew about him and that was it. So, when it came down to it and it was over, it wasn't that big of a deal. He wanted kids and made a big issue about it. He argued with me when I was not feeling well. He could have brought it up other times. He also told me he wanted me to dye my hair red because that was attractive to him. Oh, gosh, there was just so much that was done and said that just showed he didn't want to be with me. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he thought that he wanted to be with me. We talked a bit but he wanted sex. He wanted one last time together. LOL, NO. He was awful in bed. And one time, set the mirror up to watch himself. Oi.
I talked to a friend about going to a rope obstacle course.  It was the guy who wanted to marry me. We have had some conversations about what happened. So, after I thought we were fine and just friends, he asked me to come over at 11 PM. He wanted to smoke hookah. I'm all for hookah but not this time. He was trying very hard to get me over. I didn't go but at least, I was honest that I was flattered. I was fairly negative but I did like the attention.
I am changing my high school ring into a new ring. I'm super excited for this.
I've been thinking about doing another past life regression. I'm not sure if I have the money.
Sometimes I struggle with my food allergies. I couldn't eat anything at a Rotary meeting.
I'm pissed off at my dad. I know it's more emotional than realistic. I talked to a friend and she gave good insight on it. My dad thinks that he'll get $2 million for his warehouse. If he does, he wants to put it in a trust with just me and a couple of the other kids. I still feel like my dad has no idea about the complications of having a trust. One of the kids isn't 18 yet so who would be in control of his share? Kelly is a drug addict and I want to think she could figure out some good things for herself but I have a feeling she'd be a bit spoiled about it-- maybe spend it stupidly. I just want my student loans paid for so I can go and buy a house or a warehouse or a plot of land. Anything that would be an investment. I don't want this because I don't want to deal with dad's other kids. I don't feel like I'm a part of this family and I don't want to be. One of my clients had an inheritance and her greedy aunt tried to control it. It was awful. My client would try to stop it passively like knowing that no one would get ahold of her drug addicted brother so she would say that if he agreed, she'd agree with the way the money was being spent.

I had to take time away from a friendship. My friend in another state wanted to invite her boyfriend to a thing we had planned. She didn't want to leave him in her apartment. She was trying so hard to get him to do what we were doing. Even when I suggested he watch Netflix or find something to do in the huge Metropolis that she lives in, she said it was unfair for her to have to kick him out of her place and that he had nothing to do. I said it was unfair to me. I hadn't seen her for months. She sees him every weekend. She hasn't been making friends in her town-- gee, wonder why? She's not really spending time in her city finding friends. She's there with her boyfriend on the weekend or going home to my town-- but not telling anyone about it. Her family and her boyfriend get to see her when she's in town. It's awful. I don't think she was being honest with herself. She doesn't want friends. She's not making time for them. I think about the difference between her and my married friend in Boston. I told my married friend-- I'll be there before 5-- yep, everything's fine. Easy going. Perfect. I feel so understood.
I have to go.