Not Safe

I haven't written in a while. I was closed to a man and he joined my facebook page which included the links to this page. He read through a lot of it and in the end, he wanted to find out more about what I was thinking in regard to our sexual life. I felt violated again and did not want to write for a while. Now, this man and I are barely speaking. He is friends with some of my friends and our interactions continue to be doused in confusion. He appears so angry. It's like he did a flip. I almost think that he sees the world as black or white. He was helpful and supportive for a time and then suddenly, he was making these odd accusations about this help and support. It took a lot of convincing to my conscious self to know that what he said is just simply not true.
Our sexual encounters were confusing and upsetting. He said many things that he later contradicted. While he wanted a relationship and realized that I did not want a relationship, he said that he wanted to have a physical relationship. I was cautious but I wanted to believe that he knew himself well enough that he would not just say this in hopes of a relationship. We were physically intimate on a few occasions. My body was uncomfortable. A part of me wanted to make him happy but the bigger part of me just wanted a good friendship. I would finish and just push him away. I didn't want to have more connections with him. I felt badly. I talked to friends. They reaffirmed that he just wanted it; he was OK with being treated this way. I felt that I was just getting back into those people pleasing behaviors. I did not like this feeling at all. I wanted to stop and to have some time away. Soon, I felt that any free time was commandeered by him. I felt a weird addiction to him. I hated it.
I think the last time we spoke, it was clear that he did not like that I was asserting myself again. I decided not to have him go out of his way to pick me up and drop me off. I met him out to have dinner. I enjoyed not having an extended time together. I liked doing what I wanted as I drove away to my apartment. I liked being able to process the night, without his company.
I'm feeling defensive about this blog. I want to start explaining how we did have great times together. I want to explain that he has a different perspective and that this is probably not what he thinks of the situation at all. Yet, that could be my nervousness, my people pleasing behaviors, and my want to get rid of these feelings and not hurt anyone's feelings. However, I needed to get this out. Luckily, I feel my readers understand this.

Thank you for taking your time to read this short rant.