I have to stop the Blame

I've been reading a few books about resistance in therapy and PTSD. I've been reading the one about PTSD for about two years now. It has different therapies and different aspects of PTSD. Today, I was reading the chapter about grief. Putting it together, I realized a few things that I really want to work on in my written and visual journal.
1. I have not dealt with my dad leaving the house. I don't talk much about it but I went out the day that I was raped by Kirk because I was upset that my dad was moving his things out of the house. I had asked my friend to meet me at the bowling alley, thinking that he'd remember because it was important to me; but he forgot so I went for a walk and went there anyway. I had been very angry with my dad for many years since he had cheated on my mom, moved in with his girlfriend, and for a time, was allowed to go back and forth between the two places. My mom said she was trying to make things work and had considered getting back together with my dad but one of us, most likely me, had expressed such dislike for the situation, that she reconsidered and decided to go with the full divorce.
2. I need to stop blaming my dad and Kirk for my bad relationships. I used to blame them for everything. My dad never showed me what a good relationship could be like. Kirk made me mistrust men and therefore, I cheated. I also learned cheating from my dad. I'm old enough now, I can have good relationships. Yes, I've had some difficulty figuring out what I wanted out of relationships and how to have one. But it doesn't always have to be that way. I can find friends and mentors to teach me how to have friendships and to teach me how to have a good relationship. I feel that my current relationship has been going very well. We're 6 months in and that's a feat for me since it has taken me a while to have a relationship that lasts more that 2-3 months. I have had a lot less doubts in this relationship. I worry about things that aren't about the relationship, for example, accepting that he'll work hard but he'll always want to paint and he won't have a steady income if all he does is paint. He's a great painter and is gaining recognition, but it might be a while before those good paychecks come in.

I haven't dealt with my dad's leaving. I have dealt with the anger towards my dad. But it seems the whole day is overshadowed by the incident with Kirk. It has taken me quite a while to even think about it. I used to sort of blame my dad for leaving and sending me out of the house. I mean walking in the neighborhood is a good coping skill.  There was maybe once that I was walking around the neighborhood that I saw Kirk, hanging out in his van. I didn't trust him and I thought he might have had a naked girl in the back, hiding. It was a weird thought but he quickly drove away and I was glad for it.
I saw Kirk at one of my brother's parties. He was trying to make it seem like everything was fine. I just nodded my head and wished he would never talk to me. There was at time when he got a job at Dominos making pizza. It was located in a shopping center that I had to pass every time I came home. The other side of the street was the bowling alley (I'll have to write a diagram). I had to pass that if I came from the other way. There was no way around passing his car if he was working. My mom noticed that I looked over at the bowling alley parking lot every time we passed. If his car was there, I felt sick to my stomach. If his car wasn't there, I felt sick to my stomach. I thought that if his car wasn't there, then he must be having sex, taking advantage of another girl, or whatever it was. I don't think he ever told anyone that he slept with me. I think he slept with other people I knew. I know some of the girls who bragged about having sex had worked at the bowling alley in the restaurant part.
At one point, I knew the moms of two of my friends were working at that bowling alley. Ryan and I were in the same grade at the same school. He was cool. He told me that Kirk had asked him to go to a party. I really hated Kirk and the stories about Kirk. I didn't like who hung out with him, either. But they were the same as my brother's friends and my brother didn't like me to hang out with his friends.
Another time, my friend, Christy, and I went to the bowling alley. I didn't think that Kirk had continued to work there. He just showed up. I was showing Christy who he was and she was saying I was staring, which made me upset because she wanted to know what he looked like and I was pointing him out. It was enough for me to stand there while he was there. I can't tell you the sequence of all these events because I can't remember.
At some point, Kirk moved to be a cook in Oregon and I knew I didn't have to worry about seeing his fucking van, where he raped me, again. But when my brother knew when he was coming back for a visit, I would get paranoid about any Oregon license plate that I saw, thinking that he'd be in it. I later found out that he was getting married. I wondered how that happened. I hoped that his family didn't have to go through what my family.
I remember when I started to realize what a life he must have had, to look to women as objects and as nuturing him. I infered that his mother wasn't affectionate and probably didn't pay him much attention. He was overweight. I don't know how much he weighed but he seemed so large. Then, he had liposuction. He looked a lot less taller. I think when he was leaving, after the first time I saw him after his lipo, I got a half-assed hug from him. I now realize a few things while writing this-- that he really let other people know what he was up to-- he liked to have his network of people knowing his every move. He liked the attention. But he was so uncomfortable with himself. It still doesn't give him the right to do what he did, knowing full-well that it was wrong.
I remember his friend Flipper. Flipper was dumb. His real name was Dave. I would be surprised if Dave ever got off his ass and did something. I wouldn't be surprised if he's dead from a heroin overdose. Flipper told me that everyone in the neighborhood knew what happened so, Kirk or someone else said something. My brother told my mom that there was a rumor I had sex on top of a van. She told me, "Now, it may not be true that you had sex with someone, you might have just been making out." I did not come out of my room for two weeks. I didn't eat except for a few things every couple of days. One day, my mom even brought food to me. All I wanted to do was kill myself. I wanted to set myself on fire in front of the bowling alley. I wanted people to realize that I was very hurt by the actions of Kirk and this rumor. It seemed like everyone came together to get all up in my business and to call me a slut, when they didn't know shit.

After I spent the two weeks in my room, I asked my mom if I could go see my grandparents. I went to see them for a few days. I needed that one-to-one attention and a change of scenery. I don't remember much about it. I don't think they really knew what to do with me. But I had an OK time, having email for the first time and smiling that my friends did care about me. I had difficulty believing that for a while.

I left my journal on my bed back at home. My mom found it and read it. She told me, she knew that something had happened. She thought I had sex. But she didn't even realize to what extent it was. And I think she realized the seriousness of it when the police were interviewing me. Then, they couldn't do anything because no one knew that it was rape. Fuck that. I know the difference between regretting sex and rape. I didn't ask this man to put his hands on me and he did. He violated me. And they took his side. They made me feel even more helpless, like I reached out for help and it was slapped away. Luckily, that record is sealed and according to them, no one has access to it. I don't want some fucking perv getting off on that shit.

I think I've ran out of steam for today but I feel I definitely have some ideas for stories and artwork.

Thanks for reading. It feels important to my healing journey to have a voice and an audience.

My sense of Community

I've started going to a Unitarian church. It's been amazing. I have rather enjoyed being in a place that encourages spiritual growth and conversation. It feels like that part of me that has kept my spirituality a secret has been released and I get to grow. It also reminds me there is a lot of pain connected to church and community that has yet to be talked about. There are many things that go through my mind when I think about church and community.
First, I was judged in the times when I needed someone to guide me. I thought that that was what Christians were about. I did learn some things about Jesus from them. But for the most part, I just thought that they were all about judgement. I felt lost, confused, and shunned.
Second, I have been to Catholic services and have been completely lost. People have learned these traditions and rituals since they were born. They understand the meaning. To me, it's like seeing a foreign culture and again, that feeling of loss and being shunned for not understanding what they are doing.
The other component of community has produced much anxiety for me. I pee my pants when I laugh. I have learned to gain very good control over my bladder muscle over the years and it does not happen very often but on rare occasion. When I was younger, I never thought that I'd have control. I laughed and peed all the time. It haunted me. I still remember times when I peed my pants in class and years went by when someone would bring it up again. I was embarrassed that people had seen this in me and would talk about it like it was so entertaining. I felt judged and shunned about every question about it. It was the first thing some people knew about me. It might be the only thing some people know about me. I switched elementary schools to get away from the torment. It happened again but I wasn't there long before I went to a junior high school where not many people knew me and at that point, not many people figured out that this had happened. On a side note, I also went to a junior high where it would not be known who my brother was. I was tried of being my brother's keeper and having people come to me to say, "Do you know what your brother did?" No and I don't care. What am I supposed to do? Tell my mom?
So, my sense of community from the beginning was that of being made fun of and shunned for those things that make me human. It seemed that every time I tried to establish a friendship or a group of friends, something would happen and inevitably, I would be judged and shunned again. I even had friends who were a part of a youth group, which was important to me. Eventually, the drama between who liked who and a painful breakup at the age of 12 with a 14 or 15 year old member (Evan) of the group caused me to flee from it. Only one member had been kind enough to reach out and that was Heather, who I've written about before-- the one who dated my brother and hung out with Kirk. I'm sure at one point Heather did care. But it was later that her actions hurt me. She even dated Evan. I know it's cliche but with friends like that who needs enemies. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can maintain friendships. I'm always worried about judgement and gossip in regard to people disconnecting from the friendship. I know people gossip or talk and they can say good and bad things and I'm fine with that as long as they accept that it's a part of me being human.
It has been easy for me to disconnect from communities. It was emotionally tough to move to San Diego for my undergraduate degree and yet, I did. And I did it without much support from friends, who I thought would have been there for me. It was even more scary and difficult to move out to Connecticut for my masters but I did it. I have felt embarrassed in getting close to people in New Haven and worry about them bad mouthing me. I know that this is irrational because some of the people who are talking aren't the best people anyway and I don't mind not being their friends.
One of the things I do like about Connecticut is that people do have a sense of psychology and loyalty. I talk constantly about how I'm still not friends with people from high school because I cheated on the crappy boyfriend I had in high school. People are easy to dismiss others when they know they have a large population to choose other and better friends. In Connecticut, it's small. For example, I recently met someone who went to school with one of my ex boyfriends. I know each person in a different context and it seems interesting that there are so many connections. I have plenty of stories of people who I know hanging out with other people I know, not realizing that I know both. The stereotype is that people in Connecticut are cold. Yes, they are cold on approach. But they easily warm up and will be your loyal friend. They see your faults and understand that it's part of being human. When you mess up, they say, "You f*ed up, let's go get a beer." They understand the value of loyalty in friendship. And face it, there's not a million people to choose from so, when they have friends, they make sure to keep those friends. This loyalty has produced a lot of anxiety because I am still working under the impression that if I mess up, if I act human, that no one will be my friend. I have anxiety that I'm really not worth their friendship. Yet, I do have the understanding that their loyalty runs deep and it's good.
I feel that the people I have remained friends with from my hometown have been the people who understand my need for perfection and that I am also human. I worry of their judgement and yet, I know that they are friends. They've been friends this long anyway.
People wonder why I don't want to go back to California. I just don't. I have some good connections out there and I could possibly make it. Yet, I think it'll be better for me to stay out here. I think my roots are here. This is where I belong. There are certainly people and places in California that I miss. But the whole culture out there has nothing on the people and culture out here.

Thanks, I needed to write that out and feel that it has been received and understood by those who are around me.