Community and Break downs

I'm hoping to add some photos soon. I know I haven't added photos in quite some time so I'll try to get up on that. I have two finished visual journals and the beginning of another so, I have plenty of material.
So the man that I was sorta involved with but just wanted to be friends with-- well, he and I have been at least talking friendly. But at all times, he seems like he's just looking for a way to talk about himself. It can be taken as quite condescending although I know he doesn't mean it that way.

I am still going to the Unitarian church and finding a good community there. They have been nothing but supportive. I thought no one knew me or noticed me but the pastor has. She said I was in her prayers but she didn't know how to get a hold of me.

My friend from jr. high passed away in June. I've been upset ever since and it's been rough. She had this tough life of drinking early, having her social security number stolen twice, and lots of anger issues. She seemed like she was on the way to being happy-- she had a kid with a guy and they were going to get married this year in August. It sucked. I shared this at church and got the support I needed. It was a good feeling.

I started bringing some people to church. My boyfriend has talked about it but hasn't gone. My friend who was raised Catholic wants to go to see what it's all about. A friend from my job at the nursing home came last week and said it was like poetry how it all came together. It was nice.

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Here's what I wrote recently:
9/30/2011
I told my boyfriend about the issues that I had been going through. It was at a moment of weakness. I had lost my job and was crying and crying and crying. Suddenly, we got onto the topic of my sexual issues. I told him about the break down last March and the three rapes. I didn't tell him about the incidences of not-rape. Not-rape like when I had sex with my boyfriend at the time (about 5 years ago) after I had a few drinks. I didn't really want to have sex at that time but we did. I feel like there's just never ending issues for me.

For the short time I was working at a nursing home, I was stressed all the time. I had so much stress that I would forget so easily. My supervisor could tell me something and I'd forget in two seconds. I had asked her about something and about two months later, the issue had come up again. It was as if my mind had reset and I forgot. I felt that I was just there to be told what to do even when others weren't doing the same things. Then, things would get behind because of other departments and then, I'd get in trouble. They were blaming me a lot and I never said anything about it to my supervisor. I feel like even if I had tried to explain it to her, then, she still wouldn't believe me. My friend had helped me to have humor in the situation and a coworker had said that I shouldn't take any blame for anything.

I remember a time when I was a kid when my mind reset. I had a thought to call my cousin to wish him happy birthday. I double checked and saw that his birthday was actually the next day. I remember being young enough that my parents had to help me to make a long distance call. My mind had then reset and I called anyway. Later, I realized what I had learned earlier, that his birthday was the next day. My parents said that I was insistent so they let me call. I also vaguely remembering that they had told me that his birthday was another day but I was so determined to call him that I did anyway. It was such an odd thing.

After I was fired from the job, my friends and coworkers were upset. I felt that they were being protective and I was embarrassed. I was starting to believe that I wasn't doing the right thing. I wasn't going to the CNA's to ask them to hurry along. I wasn't saying, "hey, watch that patient real quick for me, please." I wasn't walking up to patients to make sure that they were engaged in the program nor was I trying to get them engaged in the programs sometimes. Sometimes I was really tired. Sometimes I hated the whole thing. Sometimes the activities I did were hurting me. I started making it known I hated certain activities. I tried to tell myself that my supervisor wanted me to do well so she was encouraging me along. I just didn't like that she had to talk to me almost every day. I'm glad that it was just a work performance issue, though. With my previous job at the hospital, it was that I wasn't wearing professional clothing and that I was getting too snippy with the patients. So, I worry about those things. I feel that this job at the nursing home was very easy and that I was too good/smart for it. I think that it's better for me that I'm not at either place anymore.

I realize that I like stories where I am the victim of something. I always find something. I try to down play it a lot of the time when talking about a certain situation. I feel that many people don't know the true complexity of me nor the situation so when they give me advice or a statement about the issue, I think, "You don't know the whole story." I explain more but people already have their opinions so, they just hear more about what they already believe. It's a little annoying. At first, I was so angry with my dad, I'd always tell stories. Then, I'd get mad when people would say, "I'm sorry." Why? Did you do something? Leave me the fuck alone to my emotions. So, I was just angry. Lately, it was my bad day in San Francisco last year. The summary: Bad hotel, bad sleep, cold and allergies, called my ex to tell him the cat was dying (she died that night) and found out he was getting married, carried my heavy bags down some stairs, lost my phone, went to the wrong hotel, went to San Francisco, got off at the wrong stop on BART, bum bothered me and a man asked for money for a bad photo I'd taken of him, had something to eat where the guy reminded me of the guy I was trying to get over, went to the art museum only to discovered it was going to close in 45 minutes, I considered going to China town, went to a small coffee shop called "Leaf" and discovered it was really a Starbucks, went back to the hotel (2 hours to get back). I told it over and over again and a coworker had said that I was taking it too personally. So, I started saying that before hand-- "Maybe I'm taking it too personally." I am looking at all that I wrote and I am amazed that that was one day. But I feel that I tell that story to gain sympathy.

I also realize now that I really like attention. I do a lot to get attention. I like when I'm the only one talking and people are just so into what I'm saying. I like when people listen. I had enjoyed talking to one of my coworkers because it felt like an even exchange. We talked and took in what the other was saying. It was nice.

10/1/11
I remember a time when I was having my break down in March. I was suicidal but I didn't really want to die. I wanted to hurt myself but I didn't want to cut myself. I decided to have too much fiber. It was as if I wanted to get rid of the bad things in my body. I knew it hurt my stomach. I was glad when someone listened to me that time. She said, "You're not eating right. Change that and start walking. You can make the time for it." It was just the right amount of advice, concern, and listening to me.
Sometimes I still feel very young. I feel like I am just a child. I know my mind is sharp but I feel like I fuck up all the time. I feel like it's only a matter of time before people realize I don't know what I'm doing. I've been feeling very lost.
I thought my supervisor at the nursing home was using some sort of motivational technique by making me feel badly. I got mad at her one day when I redid an overcrowded closet. She didn't want me to throw away anything. She wanted me to ask her about what to throw away or not. She had made it clear earlier that she was not rational. She thought she might throw away things later but she decided to keep them for the time being. I don't understand that type of thinking. The closet was even more overcrowded when my coworker decided to put everything from the office in there. Then, my supervisor had the galls to say, "So-n-So worked her butt off to clean up the office." Yeah, so she could pass it to me. I hated her but I couldn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't feel like I had the right anymore. I was dis-empowered.
I noticed people pleasing behaviors like trying to make one of the patients happy especially when his wife came to visit him. They seemed to have such a spiteful relationship that I wanted to make sure that at least she was happy. On my last day, he cried in front of me saying that he was homesick. Another time he said that he knew he was acting like an asshole. Later on my last day, I heard someone call him a jerk. They didn't know that he had cried. I wrote a note about it before I didn't have a chance to write down another one.

I am feeling a bit lost without an income. I feel like I'm just looking for the next job that will take me, hoping that it'll work out this time. I hope it pays the bills, I can move out and my life can get even better. I just want people to be able to come over, hang out, and there won't be any problems. I ask my spirits and G-d to light my way so I can see my path. So far, nothing has come to me yet.
Tomorrow, my friend has invited me to his church and I've invited him to my church. So, we're going to do both services-- his at 10AM and mine at 11:15. I guess it's good that it could work out that way. Eventually, I want to go see a previous patient at her church so that I might become friends with her niece. They used to come to the nursing home to pass along the word of G-d according to the Baptists. I don't know the difference. They all are Christians to me. At least these people seem less judgmental than others. I find it interesting that after I asked a different Baptist group to pray for me and they prayed for me to find my way in what is my path, I was fired nearly a week after that.

My sense of Community

I've started going to a Unitarian church. It's been amazing. I have rather enjoyed being in a place that encourages spiritual growth and conversation. It feels like that part of me that has kept my spirituality a secret has been released and I get to grow. It also reminds me there is a lot of pain connected to church and community that has yet to be talked about. There are many things that go through my mind when I think about church and community.
First, I was judged in the times when I needed someone to guide me. I thought that that was what Christians were about. I did learn some things about Jesus from them. But for the most part, I just thought that they were all about judgement. I felt lost, confused, and shunned.
Second, I have been to Catholic services and have been completely lost. People have learned these traditions and rituals since they were born. They understand the meaning. To me, it's like seeing a foreign culture and again, that feeling of loss and being shunned for not understanding what they are doing.
The other component of community has produced much anxiety for me. I pee my pants when I laugh. I have learned to gain very good control over my bladder muscle over the years and it does not happen very often but on rare occasion. When I was younger, I never thought that I'd have control. I laughed and peed all the time. It haunted me. I still remember times when I peed my pants in class and years went by when someone would bring it up again. I was embarrassed that people had seen this in me and would talk about it like it was so entertaining. I felt judged and shunned about every question about it. It was the first thing some people knew about me. It might be the only thing some people know about me. I switched elementary schools to get away from the torment. It happened again but I wasn't there long before I went to a junior high school where not many people knew me and at that point, not many people figured out that this had happened. On a side note, I also went to a junior high where it would not be known who my brother was. I was tried of being my brother's keeper and having people come to me to say, "Do you know what your brother did?" No and I don't care. What am I supposed to do? Tell my mom?
So, my sense of community from the beginning was that of being made fun of and shunned for those things that make me human. It seemed that every time I tried to establish a friendship or a group of friends, something would happen and inevitably, I would be judged and shunned again. I even had friends who were a part of a youth group, which was important to me. Eventually, the drama between who liked who and a painful breakup at the age of 12 with a 14 or 15 year old member (Evan) of the group caused me to flee from it. Only one member had been kind enough to reach out and that was Heather, who I've written about before-- the one who dated my brother and hung out with Kirk. I'm sure at one point Heather did care. But it was later that her actions hurt me. She even dated Evan. I know it's cliche but with friends like that who needs enemies. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can maintain friendships. I'm always worried about judgement and gossip in regard to people disconnecting from the friendship. I know people gossip or talk and they can say good and bad things and I'm fine with that as long as they accept that it's a part of me being human.
It has been easy for me to disconnect from communities. It was emotionally tough to move to San Diego for my undergraduate degree and yet, I did. And I did it without much support from friends, who I thought would have been there for me. It was even more scary and difficult to move out to Connecticut for my masters but I did it. I have felt embarrassed in getting close to people in New Haven and worry about them bad mouthing me. I know that this is irrational because some of the people who are talking aren't the best people anyway and I don't mind not being their friends.
One of the things I do like about Connecticut is that people do have a sense of psychology and loyalty. I talk constantly about how I'm still not friends with people from high school because I cheated on the crappy boyfriend I had in high school. People are easy to dismiss others when they know they have a large population to choose other and better friends. In Connecticut, it's small. For example, I recently met someone who went to school with one of my ex boyfriends. I know each person in a different context and it seems interesting that there are so many connections. I have plenty of stories of people who I know hanging out with other people I know, not realizing that I know both. The stereotype is that people in Connecticut are cold. Yes, they are cold on approach. But they easily warm up and will be your loyal friend. They see your faults and understand that it's part of being human. When you mess up, they say, "You f*ed up, let's go get a beer." They understand the value of loyalty in friendship. And face it, there's not a million people to choose from so, when they have friends, they make sure to keep those friends. This loyalty has produced a lot of anxiety because I am still working under the impression that if I mess up, if I act human, that no one will be my friend. I have anxiety that I'm really not worth their friendship. Yet, I do have the understanding that their loyalty runs deep and it's good.
I feel that the people I have remained friends with from my hometown have been the people who understand my need for perfection and that I am also human. I worry of their judgement and yet, I know that they are friends. They've been friends this long anyway.
People wonder why I don't want to go back to California. I just don't. I have some good connections out there and I could possibly make it. Yet, I think it'll be better for me to stay out here. I think my roots are here. This is where I belong. There are certainly people and places in California that I miss. But the whole culture out there has nothing on the people and culture out here.

Thanks, I needed to write that out and feel that it has been received and understood by those who are around me.