High School

I did this last night after work. This is what it felt like to throw up with I was fighting with that girl who said she was going to talk to Kirk.

More stuff came up for me this morning. Kirk talked to my mom once. He told her that I lied about my age. Let me tell you, I DID NOT LIE ABOUT MY AGE. He knew the whole time how old I was. I vowed to not lie about my age because my friend was always lying about her age and I didn't want to be a part of that. I thought she was getting herself into bad situations by lying about her age. Kirk was such a fucking slimeball.
I started wondering today about if anyone ever confronted Kirk about what happened. Of course he lied because what rapist is going to say he's a rapist? Really, who admits to that?!

I remember people saying that I was going to a certain high school, different than the one my brother and Kirk and a bunch of other people went to because I wanted to be with one boy. The truth is that I didn't want to be at the other high school. I didn't feel safe there. I also didn't want to be reminded about the time that I peed myself in 1st grade, which when you get around people from elementary school, sometimes they want to talk about the times you were embarrassed about. I knew my brother's friends and I know that my brother would hate if I dated anyone. I know his friends would be watching out for anyone talking to me. I also didn't want to see my ex boyfriend, Kirk, and the various people who contributed to passing around the rumor that I had sex on top of a van with an 18 year old. I really think I would have killed myself if I went to that school.

The high school I did go to felt like I was protected there. I mean the worse I went through was that my ex friend dated the guy I had crush on, two teachers didn't like me, and someone called me ugly. There was a lot that I was depressed about but those are the things at school that upset me. I got to be me without being "Casey's little sister" or whatever people would have called me-- possibly "slut." By going to the school I attended, I had a chance to be around my friends, to be me, and to develop as my own person; that was important to me.

I remember all throughout high school, I was worried about being called a slut. I was called a slut after the rape. I was really fearful about being called one again. I also thought that I was just dirty. It's taken me a while to get over that feeling.

Venus

What I Saw

I've been working on the triggers of the three rapes, with the help of The Sexual Healing Journey. It's difficult for me to write that. I don't want to admit that I've been raped three times but that's the truth.
This picture is of what I remember when I was raped at age 13. When I think about it and it's now been 13 years since it happened, I think it's OK that I don't remember all the details. The book, mentioned above, has questions to work on the triggers, including things like "What time of day was it?" "What acts did you do? What acts did your offender do?" And those must have been the times when I dissociated. I don't know those answers. It took me a while to figure out that I must have been on bottom because I had a bruise on my back. This image is where I went. I think there were children playing. I think I heard the BART train go by. This is the side of the van and the window that I could see out of.
The book talks about even feeling pleasure and excitement during the abuse because it was a way to survive. I feel like I used this. The book goes into how this is a survival skill and it's best to work through the feelings of low self-esteem and all that goes with using this survival skill but also overcoming it to have a healthier sex life.
When it comes down to it, this is not how I wanted my first time. I was scared. I didn't want to have sex but I was curious about it. I feel like this experience was so unnecessary.
I have written a lot lately about how I'd like my first time to have been. I would have liked to have been more religious and have dated and appropriately explored sex. I like doing these writing exercises because I think about how I can overcome these things that happened in the past and I can start to incorporate some things into my life. When I've mentioned doing these writing exercises to others, they've had difficulty with it. "It'll never come true," they say but that's not the point. It's an examination of expectations and fantasies and considering how some aspects can be incorporated into life now.

Venus