The Poets and some other feelings

3.7.16

Hey all. Lots of things going on. I have a post from a couple of weeks ago to post too.

At one point, a couple of weeks ago, I was dating 5 people. It was crazy. I started dating a woman. And that was cool until I started feeling like she was only using me for sex, which she didn't deny. She tried to explain to me that she respected me but even if that was true, she made unwanted advances. And it might be that I didn't like her that much. I didn't like that she was sexting me while I was at the office. Office work is not sexy. And on top of that, I hate sexy thoughts at work because I'm alone with people in my office for most of the day. I've made jokes about how it's so similar to prostitution but other than joking, I hate it when people try to make it something it's not. I had a guy who liked me or at least wanted to have sex with me talk to me about how he wanted me to fuck him in my office and pretend to do a doctor's exam and he was hoping to scream so that other people heard him. It was gross. I didn't talk to him after that.

I stopped dating just about everyone last week. I had a night of too much alcohol, woke up, and really had the waking up sensation of “This can't continue.” I don't know how I got involved with another bar tender but I did and it wasn't going to go anywhere. He and his friends made comments about how much he liked other girls and pretty much didn't take me seriously. It struck me. I couldn't continue to go along without any goals. So, I thought about my goals-- NYC and a relationship. That's what I've been focused on. The bar tender hasn't bothered me and it makes my thoughts just go to him. I want him to want me. He doesn't. Even broken up, he just doesn't want me. oi. It sucks. I called my friend, Nicole, and we talked about how he rejected me and how it's ok to be emotional about it.

I also broke it off with one of the poets. He just wasn't where I wanted him to be. Even now, we're friends, I asked him two times yesterday what was on his mind and he didn't think to even ask me. Or ask more than, “How are you?” He was starting to go out on dates with other women. I couldn't pretend that didn't hurt. It was completely irrational but that's how emotions are. I have been with him for a while without wanting to be with him.

There's still one guy but he doesn't say much or do much. I like that he's been a companion and a friend. He came over even when I was just too stressed and was about to go to bed early. It helped me that he came over. I didn't want to be conscious.

My ex was in town with his band last night. I've had vengeful thoughts about him. I've thought about just showing up at his apartment. I didn't actually do it but I thought of it. I don't know what I would be doing if I did. I would ask for a love letter back, maybe for the key necklace.

It brought back all the conversations we had before we stopped talking. He told me that he only dated me out of desperation and loneliness. It makes me feel even worse about our relationships. He also told me that everything is fine with his girlfriend because they live together. I had thought about him, at one point, hoping that he could get some experience with relationships and eventually be a great boyfriend for me. So, everything stung in that relationship. I didn't talk to him for a few days before I realized that one doesn't relate to the other. I've lived with someone and our relationship was far from good. It's not a good indicator of a relationship by just living together. Relationships have to be maintained. He thinks highly of her because they like the same music and can go out to shows. He threw some things in my face again from the relationship. I wish he thought of me as a person and not just a prop. I didn't like his music and I get sick in venues with loud music. I feel the vibrations in my stomach and it makes me naseaus. I look at the speakers. I look at how many people are in front of me. I make sure I avoid the vibrations and being directly around something that would make me sick. Of course, this didn't matter. I didn't support his band by being out with him. And he didn't support me by being out with me in the things I enjoyed. He thought he was but he wasn't. People brought up the 5k's that we did. Seriously, a live band in a bar is equivalent to 5K's? Really? I hate everyone sometimes. I was able to talk it out with a couple of people and I felt better.

I told off one of the poets. He had a crush on me and he was really needling me. He had asked me to help him do things that he figured out for himself. For example, he came to me to let me know he didn't want any more invites to the poetry open mics or workshops. I've been just copying the event and so everyone that I have invited before are invited again. Well, there's a glitch now. I can't remove people. He went out of his way to do this stupid personality disorder thing where way too much info is given. It's not anxious-- because anxious people apologize. He just gave too much information so that focus was on him. For example, another person I suspect has a personality disorder would decline parties but the decline would be like this, “Hey, got your invite. Rob and I are spending our first Thanksgiving together! We'll have his son so I'm not sure if we'll be able to make it. We'll be late if we do! Fun times for us.” I don't need that much info-- just say, “If I come, I'll be late. Rob and his son will be in tow. Can't wait to see you.” So, this guy was like, “I've taken a break from poetry so, I don't want to be invited to poetry related thing.” He didn't need to say anything. He didn't need to ask me for help, etc, etc. He could have said nothing and removed himself from the list. He eventually removed himself from the list when I research and couldn't find the buttons they were talking about to remove people. And I think it was related to the event being copied many times over.

The next time I heard from him, he said that I was being rude and unprofessional by saying that “Tom graciously took over the poetry open mic.” Now, the other poet ran it for a year. But had made a big production about it but let it die, essentially. I was honestly excited that Tom was taking over because it takes initiative and because I was so happy to have the open mic again. It was in no way a dig at the previous guy who ran it. So, he starts with the rude and unprofessional. He has this issue with never really saying a feeling when something happens. So, he could have easily said he was offended by it. He also wanted lots of praise and recognition for what he did for that year that he took over. But he felt that no one gave it to him. Oh, dude. No one has to give your praise of doing something that they like to attend. The attendance is the appreciation. He keeps asking me to think about how he feels. It takes me a few days because I'm pissed off but I get back to him-- I said something platonic. I said something to the effect of “I'm sorry you experienced that and I know how hard that is.” But he kept on. And I just fucking lost it. It was all of this pull to give him attention and praise. I think he's jealous that Tom has my support for this. So, this other poet liked me anyway but then to see me promoting and helping other poet just upset him-- and I don't think he'd ever admit to it. So, here we are. I unloaded. I was rude and unprofessional. I told him all the things that I told to other poets. I told him things that I had harbored for 4 years during our sort of friendship. I felt good about it because I've been a doormat so often and this time, I was not. I wasn't in the right but things are changing and I'm glad that he knows that if he asks about what I think of his poetry, I'll give a script answer but he knows I don't like him. He told me that I was making the poetry open mics a hostile place for him. Again, I don't have to care about his feelings and there's not much he can do. Now, if this was a workplace, of course, he could say something and I could say, he annoys me, I don't want to work with him but I'll be nice if we do have to work together. I can be an adult.

Tom talked to him and wasn't supportive about what the other poet was saying so, I guess this poet is just not going to be around. Tom did say something that was upsetting to me-- that he would side with me no matter if I did something wrong because we were dating at the time.

A friend of mine in the area posted a blog about making relationships FB official-- and how people don't need to and sometimes it seems like having someone in your life can make others feel shitty about not having others in their life. It seemed like she advised not to put it on FB. I disagree. FB is all about having others enjoy the good parts of your life. Sometimes you can get support about some of the bad things but for the most part, whatever is important to you, you'll share it on FB, usually.

I have two lists on FB-- one of people I sort of know and others who are close friends and family. When I was in my last relationship, I did post pictures to the second list frequently. I even played up some of the good things about that relationship, maybe two times. I'd share because I thought my friends would be happy for me and because I thought it was going to be the last relationship. I didn't share to put others down and make them feel like they weren't where I was or that I was somehow better. I love looking at my friends happy in their relationships. Part of my spirituality is to acknowledge jealousy but also to celebrate others when they have something that I want or something different than what I want in general. The alternative that I would be miserable and resentful and angry that others have something that I don't. So, celebrate other people. This is tough. But if I can say to myself or others that I'm jealous because I want that, then it makes it easier to be happy for what they do have.

I think it comes down to intention. Of course some people want to be friends with their exes and single friends to show off their great relationships-- frenemies at it's best, really. But others don't have that intent.

I'm at the office now and a bit distracted. I'll write later.