New Therapist

I guess a lot of revelations lately. I've been working with my therapist about feeling comfortable being single, which ties directly to PTSD and feeling like I belong. Whenever she brings up my lack of connection or lack of belonging, I almost cry. We're on being aware of what I'm feeling, grounding myself, putting memories away when I'm not ready to deal with them, and processing memories.

The past week, I've been at the gym. I feel like I'm not eating enough and end up feeling really down. I'm doing all these great things to keep my mood up.

I got sad and lonely on Easter and ended up drinking too much. It was not the best. I cleaned up the bathroom in a decent manner, I think. I felt like shit and ended up sleeping most of the day. It wasn't good for any part of a healthy lifestyle. I gave up drinking. And usually, it's not that big of a deal. But I had a dream last week (and I've been having nightmares all week) about a homeless man coming after me, demanding vodka. After running from him and having him right on my heels, even though I was running so fast, I turned to face him. Then, I woke up trying to scream. I was terrified.

Last night, my dream was that I was in a house of a person who had been possessed. I was helping the mom move out after her daughter was exorcised. The daughter's room was a complete mess. There were tears in the carpet and scratches on the wall. Then, there was a bag of clothes. I was putting things into boxes for the mom. There were lots of people stopping by to take pictures of the house where the exorcism took place. It was a bit annoying. People warned me that I could become possessed. I saw an infrared video of me and the cat. Our eyes were really weird so, I think we might have been possessed. In my dream, I wasn't sleeping well.

In this dream, I think I am trying to tell myself that I am in danger of giving too much of myself to help people. It definitely reflects my sadness lately. I feel like I give too much of myself and I'm not getting much back. I cried a few times last week. I am working on giving myself some time to just relax. I don't seem to have much. I am on-the-go on the weekends. I'm worried about work. I work 6 days a week. I don't have much outside of work. I'm not close with other people. I am worried about strange things like keeping my friends and if I'll ever get married. The last few days, I've become fine with the fact that I won't get married. It might be for the best. I don't want to get bored, restless, figure out ways of cheating, etc. I will have plenty of great, long lasting relationships that won't end in marriage or divorce.

All of this has reminded me that I have needs. I put them aside. I don't try to make statements that would feel like I'm trying to induce guilt. But I feel like if I make people aware of my needs that I'll be inducing guilt.

On top of that, I really don't know what I want.

I thought, for a second, that W. had unblocked me on some social media. I guess he's just posting publicly more often. I'm not sure what happened. I am not sure if he's doing well in his relationship or completely bad. We're very done with our friendship, though.

My friend Shannon posted on FB about how she was very happy in her relationship. She broke up with her boyfriend in October or November and now is with someone new, yet again. I knew this life before. But seeing her happy in a relationship, knowing that there is some long, sordid tale behind it, makes me happy that I'm single. I'm glad I'm working on my issues. She does have some loser friends and I'm not sure if she's the type of person who can choose a good guy for herself. As I said, I know the struggle too well. She barely talks to me when she's in town.

I'm reconsidering my friendship with her. But I'm doing that with most people. My friend Lucius had a melt down about some stuff that I wanted him to be supportive about. All of this is growing pains. Lucius tends to interrupt and make jokes. Last week, I just couldn't take another moment of it. He blamed his physical pain, called himself Patch Adams and said something to the effect of “if that's something you don't want, look elsewhere.” OK, if that's your strength, I'll talk to no one. UGH. He was very supportive during my break up and angry outbursts. I guess the keyword there is “WAS.” Now, I can't even try to be friends right now.

On top of the issues with Lucius, there were texts between me and JZ. I finally said that I was not interested in dating again. I know it's over but it still makes me sad to have it be so final. I feel guilty. But JZ isn't good for me. He does little for me. I can't trust him. He says he's changed but I don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt again-- or put myself in a position to want Joe so badly.

I'm out of steam. I'll write soon.