update 2

The client who was supposed to be here didn't show up. Very odd.
I like my easy going friends. I think most of my other friends have been really cool if I wanted to do something that they couldn't afford or weren't interested in doing. And other friends who told me to find something to do because they had obligations to attend to and wanted me to do my own thing. This friend was detail oriented. She wanted to know exactly when I'd be there and exactly when I'd leave. I understand if she wants to coordinate with her boyfriend, however, it came off as "Could you hurry up and leave? I just want to see him." I decided not to spend the night becaues I know that Sunday mornings with a partner are so relaxed and nice to experience. I knew I might want to linger and that didn't seem welcomed. So, we'd only have a couple of hours together. And that just wasn't what she wanted. She sort of blamed me for giving up that time as leaving her boyfriend at her place. I was pissed that she seems him all the time. She sees him way more than she sees me or her other friends. When I had originally made plans with her, she said she'd be fine without her boyfriend. He'd have to find something to do. OK, WTF happened? At the end of an argument about this, she said she valued my friendship and wanted to see me at some point. The last thing I said to her was that she had an odd way of showing it.

This reminds me of so many things, mostly related to W. I went to visit W one time and he had told a friend he'd help her pack. We decided to meet back at a subway in a couple of hours. My phone immediately died. I went to a little track where people were running and there was football practice. It was cool. I also went to a coffee shop that had green tea with bergamot. Bergamot is my favorite and I haven't had the chance to have it since I can't have black tea. It was wonderful. I went shopping too. It was a perfect time.
But W also had issues after he started dating his previous girlfriend. He was doing all sorts of manipulative things and wasn't there for me during my break up. And then after we were reunited again, he couldn't handle my anger about the whole situation instead of just saying sorry.

I realized it's tough for me to not trust someone who I think is an expert. An art therapist who writes books about art therapy, ones I've had to read during the time in grad school, contacted me. She wanted to bully me about writing a piece about coloring books. It's such a white problem. She seemed to threaten me with being an honorary member of the Ct Art Therapy Assoc.. I'm not registered as an art therapist since it's the same work I had to do for my license but it doesn't bring me any money. Insurances don't accept that recognition. She accused me of all sorts of things she couldn't have known or that were really off. She made bold statements and when I asked her to give me resources, she got more upset. At some point, she did say she was upset. But she did it in a way that made it seem like I was some ant in her life. At the same time, she was the one who was causing all sorts of problems. She thought I was testing her. I was but it shouldn't be something more that some info could have soothed. I wanted explanations. I wanted exact information. I was not given those things. Every time I've said this story, and explained she was an internet troll with a Ph.D., people say she's a narcissist and an asshole. I can accept that. But at first, I thought she was right and I was just being a rebel. And second, that she was so fucking petty that she might go after my license. She doesn't like that I have a couple of pieces of artwork on my webpage from kids. I can't find anything about this-- and according to this person, every counselor who she has consulted with about using client artwork online, especially if they're under age, the counselor lost their license. I doubt it. Anyway, that's over and some of my art therapy friends know that some people in this field are shitty and are bullies. It's surprising but they might find themselves in my position if they dare speak out against something.

I met someone. I have no hopes that it'll work out. He's close to Boston. He's very cool and we're alike. But I don't think he's for me. I want to be in NYC. It's sad. I feel used. The sex was great but of course, it can be if it's a one night type of thing. It wasn't my intention to have a one night stand. I want someone in my life. But since there's not a romantic partner in my life, I'm fine with my toys. They're working out just fine.

I'm reading about Daughters of Divorce. It's helping me see some things. But it angered me that there was a whole section on misconception of daughters trying to reconnect with their dads. They were all true for me. And the points they made just don't ring true for me. There really is nothing left to say to my dad. There really is no way he's going to change. I can't change what he did or how much hurt he bestowed on this family or on me. He's never going to admit it. And that's where I am. Even talking to him or trying to joke with him doesn't work well. I sent him an obituary of a man whose wife and girlfriend both put a listing in the newspaper. He said that it was such an N-word thing to do. No, it's something that would happen to him. There's no use. I just can't deal with him so, again, back to no communication. I thought with all the work I was doing that talking to either of my parents would be easy. It's not. It's just not where I want to be. I usually had a good relationship with my mom. She's been busy for a while and I don't want to talk to her. I'm upset at her too because of the many things that happened in my childhood. I know both of them tried their best and I can still be uspet about it because it doesn't hurt any less.

I better go.

An update

It's been a while.
I dated someone for three weeks. He was adding more crap to my life so clearly, he had to go. I knew that there was going to be issues so I think that's why I didn't say much to anyone about him. A couple of people knew about him and that was it. So, when it came down to it and it was over, it wasn't that big of a deal. He wanted kids and made a big issue about it. He argued with me when I was not feeling well. He could have brought it up other times. He also told me he wanted me to dye my hair red because that was attractive to him. Oh, gosh, there was just so much that was done and said that just showed he didn't want to be with me. Up until a couple of weeks ago, he thought that he wanted to be with me. We talked a bit but he wanted sex. He wanted one last time together. LOL, NO. He was awful in bed. And one time, set the mirror up to watch himself. Oi.
I talked to a friend about going to a rope obstacle course.  It was the guy who wanted to marry me. We have had some conversations about what happened. So, after I thought we were fine and just friends, he asked me to come over at 11 PM. He wanted to smoke hookah. I'm all for hookah but not this time. He was trying very hard to get me over. I didn't go but at least, I was honest that I was flattered. I was fairly negative but I did like the attention.
I am changing my high school ring into a new ring. I'm super excited for this.
I've been thinking about doing another past life regression. I'm not sure if I have the money.
Sometimes I struggle with my food allergies. I couldn't eat anything at a Rotary meeting.
I'm pissed off at my dad. I know it's more emotional than realistic. I talked to a friend and she gave good insight on it. My dad thinks that he'll get $2 million for his warehouse. If he does, he wants to put it in a trust with just me and a couple of the other kids. I still feel like my dad has no idea about the complications of having a trust. One of the kids isn't 18 yet so who would be in control of his share? Kelly is a drug addict and I want to think she could figure out some good things for herself but I have a feeling she'd be a bit spoiled about it-- maybe spend it stupidly. I just want my student loans paid for so I can go and buy a house or a warehouse or a plot of land. Anything that would be an investment. I don't want this because I don't want to deal with dad's other kids. I don't feel like I'm a part of this family and I don't want to be. One of my clients had an inheritance and her greedy aunt tried to control it. It was awful. My client would try to stop it passively like knowing that no one would get ahold of her drug addicted brother so she would say that if he agreed, she'd agree with the way the money was being spent.

I had to take time away from a friendship. My friend in another state wanted to invite her boyfriend to a thing we had planned. She didn't want to leave him in her apartment. She was trying so hard to get him to do what we were doing. Even when I suggested he watch Netflix or find something to do in the huge Metropolis that she lives in, she said it was unfair for her to have to kick him out of her place and that he had nothing to do. I said it was unfair to me. I hadn't seen her for months. She sees him every weekend. She hasn't been making friends in her town-- gee, wonder why? She's not really spending time in her city finding friends. She's there with her boyfriend on the weekend or going home to my town-- but not telling anyone about it. Her family and her boyfriend get to see her when she's in town. It's awful. I don't think she was being honest with herself. She doesn't want friends. She's not making time for them. I think about the difference between her and my married friend in Boston. I told my married friend-- I'll be there before 5-- yep, everything's fine. Easy going. Perfect. I feel so understood.
I have to go.

Strong on my own.

6.3.16

Hey all. I think it's been a while. I haven't thought too much about updating since it seems like things are changing so fast. I feel like I'm able to stand on my own two feet.

I talked to my dad yesterday. He was OK. He told me to lower my standards. I have lots of opinions about that but I want to write that in an unsent letter to him before I begin spewing out my anger about that on here. I think my relationship is best summed up by a comment by the Gilmore Girls, as Lorelai talks to her father. “Sometimes I think what happened to us. And then something like this happens and I remember.”

Today, as I reflect on it, I see what's wrong with my family. I see these things about how they've undermined me; how they've thought I'm arrogant and think too highly of myself. But I see their unhappiness in their relationships and I know I'm on the right track if they disagree with what I'm doing.

The thing I haven't talked about is that I'm really discovering myself-- on my own. I have been seeing someone but we both know that it's only temporary. He's sweet and he's good for now. I want him longer but I know that I'll find someone when I move. I have no worries about that, honestly.

Outside of my relationship with this guy, I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. This doesn't scare me. I know that there isn't anyone out there for me. I've seen it over and over again. And with only this guy in my life, I feel like I can get back to who I was going to be.

I've realized that when I've had sex in the past, it's been because I've been uncomfortable and I thought that the guy wanted it. I was told many times that this wasn't true for some of the guys, but I think at least half were lying.

I remember Lo was pressuring me to do a lot of stuff sexually that I knew was just not my thing. The sex was honestly terrible and although I was heartbroken for about a month, I'm glad that it happened. I remember telling him one day that if he wasn't pressuring me, I wouldn't be in the mood except for about once every two months. This made me think of why I would fuck so often if I wasn't actually in the mood. I guess it was pressure or what I thought the guy wanted. And in the past, that felt like what I was doing for survival. I wanted a guy to like me or not leave me so sex was the answer. That's just not true.

So, I started masturbating a lot after I realized that I wasn't in the mood often. I started to really feel ashamed about it. I even thought it was a hassle. I talked to my therapist about it and she was encouraging me to just explore it and not be so hard on myself. I went to the good adult store and bought a couple of items since mine are a bit old. I like a few of them but the one I bought when I was 18 has seen better days (also, do I throw that away now?). Everything is great. I have a couple that I'm still getting used to but everything is great. I'm glad that I get to have that time to myself. I feel like I'm starting to accept that part of myself. It feels great. I've been masturbating at least once a day for a couple of weeks now. I feel better for it. I'm a bit worried that my clit will not be as reactive to normal stimulation but I think it might be fine-- just something to keep an eye on.

Update: I bought two waterproof toys and they've been awesome. I feel very lucky.

The Poets and some other feelings

3.7.16

Hey all. Lots of things going on. I have a post from a couple of weeks ago to post too.

At one point, a couple of weeks ago, I was dating 5 people. It was crazy. I started dating a woman. And that was cool until I started feeling like she was only using me for sex, which she didn't deny. She tried to explain to me that she respected me but even if that was true, she made unwanted advances. And it might be that I didn't like her that much. I didn't like that she was sexting me while I was at the office. Office work is not sexy. And on top of that, I hate sexy thoughts at work because I'm alone with people in my office for most of the day. I've made jokes about how it's so similar to prostitution but other than joking, I hate it when people try to make it something it's not. I had a guy who liked me or at least wanted to have sex with me talk to me about how he wanted me to fuck him in my office and pretend to do a doctor's exam and he was hoping to scream so that other people heard him. It was gross. I didn't talk to him after that.

I stopped dating just about everyone last week. I had a night of too much alcohol, woke up, and really had the waking up sensation of “This can't continue.” I don't know how I got involved with another bar tender but I did and it wasn't going to go anywhere. He and his friends made comments about how much he liked other girls and pretty much didn't take me seriously. It struck me. I couldn't continue to go along without any goals. So, I thought about my goals-- NYC and a relationship. That's what I've been focused on. The bar tender hasn't bothered me and it makes my thoughts just go to him. I want him to want me. He doesn't. Even broken up, he just doesn't want me. oi. It sucks. I called my friend, Nicole, and we talked about how he rejected me and how it's ok to be emotional about it.

I also broke it off with one of the poets. He just wasn't where I wanted him to be. Even now, we're friends, I asked him two times yesterday what was on his mind and he didn't think to even ask me. Or ask more than, “How are you?” He was starting to go out on dates with other women. I couldn't pretend that didn't hurt. It was completely irrational but that's how emotions are. I have been with him for a while without wanting to be with him.

There's still one guy but he doesn't say much or do much. I like that he's been a companion and a friend. He came over even when I was just too stressed and was about to go to bed early. It helped me that he came over. I didn't want to be conscious.

My ex was in town with his band last night. I've had vengeful thoughts about him. I've thought about just showing up at his apartment. I didn't actually do it but I thought of it. I don't know what I would be doing if I did. I would ask for a love letter back, maybe for the key necklace.

It brought back all the conversations we had before we stopped talking. He told me that he only dated me out of desperation and loneliness. It makes me feel even worse about our relationships. He also told me that everything is fine with his girlfriend because they live together. I had thought about him, at one point, hoping that he could get some experience with relationships and eventually be a great boyfriend for me. So, everything stung in that relationship. I didn't talk to him for a few days before I realized that one doesn't relate to the other. I've lived with someone and our relationship was far from good. It's not a good indicator of a relationship by just living together. Relationships have to be maintained. He thinks highly of her because they like the same music and can go out to shows. He threw some things in my face again from the relationship. I wish he thought of me as a person and not just a prop. I didn't like his music and I get sick in venues with loud music. I feel the vibrations in my stomach and it makes me naseaus. I look at the speakers. I look at how many people are in front of me. I make sure I avoid the vibrations and being directly around something that would make me sick. Of course, this didn't matter. I didn't support his band by being out with him. And he didn't support me by being out with me in the things I enjoyed. He thought he was but he wasn't. People brought up the 5k's that we did. Seriously, a live band in a bar is equivalent to 5K's? Really? I hate everyone sometimes. I was able to talk it out with a couple of people and I felt better.

I told off one of the poets. He had a crush on me and he was really needling me. He had asked me to help him do things that he figured out for himself. For example, he came to me to let me know he didn't want any more invites to the poetry open mics or workshops. I've been just copying the event and so everyone that I have invited before are invited again. Well, there's a glitch now. I can't remove people. He went out of his way to do this stupid personality disorder thing where way too much info is given. It's not anxious-- because anxious people apologize. He just gave too much information so that focus was on him. For example, another person I suspect has a personality disorder would decline parties but the decline would be like this, “Hey, got your invite. Rob and I are spending our first Thanksgiving together! We'll have his son so I'm not sure if we'll be able to make it. We'll be late if we do! Fun times for us.” I don't need that much info-- just say, “If I come, I'll be late. Rob and his son will be in tow. Can't wait to see you.” So, this guy was like, “I've taken a break from poetry so, I don't want to be invited to poetry related thing.” He didn't need to say anything. He didn't need to ask me for help, etc, etc. He could have said nothing and removed himself from the list. He eventually removed himself from the list when I research and couldn't find the buttons they were talking about to remove people. And I think it was related to the event being copied many times over.

The next time I heard from him, he said that I was being rude and unprofessional by saying that “Tom graciously took over the poetry open mic.” Now, the other poet ran it for a year. But had made a big production about it but let it die, essentially. I was honestly excited that Tom was taking over because it takes initiative and because I was so happy to have the open mic again. It was in no way a dig at the previous guy who ran it. So, he starts with the rude and unprofessional. He has this issue with never really saying a feeling when something happens. So, he could have easily said he was offended by it. He also wanted lots of praise and recognition for what he did for that year that he took over. But he felt that no one gave it to him. Oh, dude. No one has to give your praise of doing something that they like to attend. The attendance is the appreciation. He keeps asking me to think about how he feels. It takes me a few days because I'm pissed off but I get back to him-- I said something platonic. I said something to the effect of “I'm sorry you experienced that and I know how hard that is.” But he kept on. And I just fucking lost it. It was all of this pull to give him attention and praise. I think he's jealous that Tom has my support for this. So, this other poet liked me anyway but then to see me promoting and helping other poet just upset him-- and I don't think he'd ever admit to it. So, here we are. I unloaded. I was rude and unprofessional. I told him all the things that I told to other poets. I told him things that I had harbored for 4 years during our sort of friendship. I felt good about it because I've been a doormat so often and this time, I was not. I wasn't in the right but things are changing and I'm glad that he knows that if he asks about what I think of his poetry, I'll give a script answer but he knows I don't like him. He told me that I was making the poetry open mics a hostile place for him. Again, I don't have to care about his feelings and there's not much he can do. Now, if this was a workplace, of course, he could say something and I could say, he annoys me, I don't want to work with him but I'll be nice if we do have to work together. I can be an adult.

Tom talked to him and wasn't supportive about what the other poet was saying so, I guess this poet is just not going to be around. Tom did say something that was upsetting to me-- that he would side with me no matter if I did something wrong because we were dating at the time.

A friend of mine in the area posted a blog about making relationships FB official-- and how people don't need to and sometimes it seems like having someone in your life can make others feel shitty about not having others in their life. It seemed like she advised not to put it on FB. I disagree. FB is all about having others enjoy the good parts of your life. Sometimes you can get support about some of the bad things but for the most part, whatever is important to you, you'll share it on FB, usually.

I have two lists on FB-- one of people I sort of know and others who are close friends and family. When I was in my last relationship, I did post pictures to the second list frequently. I even played up some of the good things about that relationship, maybe two times. I'd share because I thought my friends would be happy for me and because I thought it was going to be the last relationship. I didn't share to put others down and make them feel like they weren't where I was or that I was somehow better. I love looking at my friends happy in their relationships. Part of my spirituality is to acknowledge jealousy but also to celebrate others when they have something that I want or something different than what I want in general. The alternative that I would be miserable and resentful and angry that others have something that I don't. So, celebrate other people. This is tough. But if I can say to myself or others that I'm jealous because I want that, then it makes it easier to be happy for what they do have.

I think it comes down to intention. Of course some people want to be friends with their exes and single friends to show off their great relationships-- frenemies at it's best, really. But others don't have that intent.

I'm at the office now and a bit distracted. I'll write later.

Good Changes

10/21/15

I have made so many changes in the past few months. I think it has spurred from having a cool past life regression in June. It was an expensive birthday gift to myself. I knew some things had to change. I gave my roommate notice and I found a place in New London. I can't have pets. I think I need to be away from pet owning for a while since my roommate was so crazy. She was at least a normal person for the most part but the animal collection and the Republican values were odd. She was very judgmental.

I am so glad to have my own place. I have my own space, my artwork is around me, and everything I have is mine. Nothing is moved. Nothing more is asked of me than just to hang out at home. I put the limitations on myself. I enjoy it.

I paid for a vacation for myself. Usually, I ask my dad for money. After many years of a terrible relationship, I have decided to not talk to him. I sent him a text message to tell him that I would not talk to him. I also told him that I would change my name. He didn't respond. My decision has made my mom very upset. At the same time, she told my brother also to not talk to my dad. To me, she tells me to ask my dad for money, to call to make sure he received my text message, and just totally invalidates my feelings. She hasn't acknowledged that this is a good thing. I know where it comes from-- she doesn't like that she made a mistake by marrying him and having kids with him. I feel like any one who has known me knows that it has been difficult with my dad for a long time. In the past when I have decided not to talk to him, if only for a month, my friends have been very supportive. One of my longest known friends didn't know why I talked to my dad after I knew he tried to kill my mom. You know, I don't know either and I don't have to talk to him. I struggled with it for a long time and while on my trip, suddenly, it had worked itself out. I am happy not talking to him. I can live my life without having to talk to him. I had to work through that he might die in the time when I'm not talking to him but I have come around to feel ok with this. I didn't want to attend his funeral anyway. He doesn't hang around good people either.

The trip was actually very nice. I had down time. I went hiking, saw local sites including a castle, ate great food, and had a great last day which included zip lining and doing an obstacle course in trees. The air was so clean. My friend provided just about everything. She went overboard. It was great.

In therapy the other day, I realized that my mom didn't believe that I was raped. I think this was one of the reasons why she didn't want me to come forward, she didn't want me to go to the police, and why the police and others didn't believe me either. My friend in Italy has known me for many years. She asked me about the rapes and how they were dealt with. She was horrified that my family reacted so terribly. I started to think, “What would I do if I had a 13 year old daughter who told me she had sex? Or if I heard rumors the same way that my mom did?” Well, I've had my experience so I'd talk to her. I'd probably already tell her things as she was growing up--- to know her bodies, her feelings. Most of all, if she had sex, I'd want to know if she was with someone her own age or if she was with someone older. If she was with someone older, I don't think there would be a doubt in my mind to tell the police, even if she pleaded with me not to. I would probably have to give her one of the, “Listen, I care about you. This is tough for me to do but I feel it's best for the situation” or “One day, you'll understand this better.” If she had siblings, we'd talk about this, either at the table or privately. This would be a family issue. It would be dealt with as a family. Instead, my family went on and I was treated like I was crazy when he came over to hang out with my brother.

It has been very helpful to talk to Evan about these things. He told me that Kirk wasn't really a friend of his and that Kirk stole from his family. It was helpful for me to hear that Evan didn't hang around him because he idolized him (like I think everyone else in the stupid town did) nor did Evan talk about me and Kirk. He didn't like Kirk. In fact, he barely remembered him. I feel like the story that I had about Evan wasn't as clear to me as what he made it to be. My brother called Evan a pedophile and harassed him about a small age difference between us (you know, when that was important). Evan, like many others, liked my energy and remembers the good things. Evan had some trouble dating and eventually became hard to the world and dating. He, in fact, still is upset and not dating right. He is living with his baby's mama and doesn't feel that he can leave or have a side chick because others in town would eventually know. There's some comfort in me, knowing that it was tough for him too without having such serious things happen to him. I guess I've always thought I would be better if this didn't happen to me-- that I'd have trust and strong relationships. But I could have ended up just the same, even if I wasn't raped. My family is who they are, anyway. I know I have picked up bad habits from them. And I continually tell myself that I'm the perpetual single friend to all my friends who are now married or in long term relationships.

It's taken a while but I haven't had sex in a month. I went a bit crazy about a month ago. I was dating someone and he told me he went home with a woman and he said nothing happened. Nothing in the situation sounded right but I realized I'm a side chick. I have no leg to stand on if he sleeps with someone else or if he spends time with his gf/ex gf on the weekends. He's a good friend and we hang out but I'm not having sex with him again. In the same couple of days where I was pissed, my dad called me. He was critical of me for not being up at 8 in the morning my time since it meant he was calling at 5 am his time. I told him I drank whiskey and was tired. I went back to sleep. I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling. The guy I had been dating called me and took the brunt of some angry words. He has been very sweet since then and he's been very understanding but I think what I said was mean and uncalled for. I didn't want to talk to him while I was so pissed and I hate that he's so understanding that I was so pissed. I want him to tell me that I was a fucking psycho and that I have no reason to be pissed off about what he said. UGH! I have been working on feelings in therapy and I have come to the realization that one of the most damaging beliefs I have is that I don't have the right to feel what I feel. I also tell myself that feelings are display weakness. I hope eventually I can be OK with him being OK with my anger. I really didn't want him to be a part of it. I wanted to sit with it for a couple of days and figure it out for myself. I hope his acceptance helps me with my acceptance.

After all that, I fucked 3 guys that weekend. I'm so embarrassed. Again, another thing the guy that I had been dating was super chill about hearing about. I actually can't remember the second guy I had sex with. I think it was my friend Jason but I'm not sure. One was a guy I knew from a few day before that. I stopped in the middle of having sex with him because I felt conflicted. We talked and I told him that he should have sex with someone who wanted to have sex with him. He asked if more was going on than just the issues with my dad but I wasn't about to tell him that I had been triggered and struggling. Then, I had a long sex romp with my ex. It was nice. We were experimental. We talked afterwards. It was a nice time. He said he didn't mind if I spent the night at his place one time. I still think that verges on a relationship thing and he doesn't want that, which kills me every time we're together. He sent me some flirty texts and I respond but before anything happens, I tell him that I don't want to have sex because he's trying to find a wife and I love him so much it hurts that he doesn't want to be with me. I refuse to put myself in that place again. I'm trying to stick to it. So far, so good.

I was interested in a woman and then I lost interest. I couldn't have the conversation with her that I wasn't interested until I came back from Italy. I didn't want to be in a foreign country, unable to deal with my feelings of guilt, etc. So, what made me attracted to her was that she was so supportive, kind, and liked art. She was out to her family but not to her community. But I knew a long distance thing was not what I really wanted. I wanted someone close. Then, she became more and more like a typical woman and then I felt like she was getting more and more clingy. She had asked me about a shirt she was wearing and that she wanted to wear it on a date when she came to visit. I don't care about that. I felt like such a guy.

She came to visit. When I was driving her to the airport early in the morning, she told me she felt that this could be a relationship. I didn't feel the same way. A major issue for me was her health. She doesn't eat well. I could tell by her greasy hair and her smell that she had issues with food. She showered every day so it wasn't a hygiene issue. She was overweight, which I knew, but she told me that she was active and walked every day. While that can be true, slow paced walks don't get the heart beating like a sprint or working out. So, either she was lying to me because she knew I was active or she was lying to herself because she wanted to believe she was active. I think lying to herself would have been worse but that's her issue to deal with when the time is right. 

I was ultra annoyed with her in Italy because she needed so much attention. She wanted me to tell her it would be hard to be in Italy and away from open communication with her. She fished for it open by saying she would miss me. I said I would be there for the moment and be there with my friend. She tried to get me to say it anyway. And instead of saying something cute like, "I wish we could travel there together." She made this demand-- Take notes of where you go so we can go when we visit. Oh, damn girl, no. I just want to be here by myself. 

So, I broke it off with her and she seemed ok with it. But at the last minute, she told me that I am close off to love and that she hopes I could be open to it one day. She even used what I told her in confidence about being upset at a past life because my twin flame soul mate left and the past life woman swore she would never love again-- which is completely unfair for all the lives I've had after that. I told my friend that I was trying to undo it. I knew it was one last dig and well, I didn't believe her. 

I met someone while in Frankfurt. He lives in KS and I hope we can visit with each other some time. I hope we can travel sometime. :)

I'm running out of time but I'll update soon.

I wanted to tell a funny story. A woman had checked out my profile on a spiritual dating site. I contacted her. She wrote me back. I'm not going to write her back. Her response was terrible. It was basically that she was going to be a doula and she came across as baby obsessed. She mentioned her kids a couple of times but more about how her kids affected her school or job choices for the time. She also wanted me to read some of the things she wrote when she was more active in the spiritual healing community. Her name was so out there-- as in so hippie and ungrounded that I just couldn't respond. I told Jason about it and he encouraged me not to respond. I feel badly since I reached out to her but I don't want to talk to her. I already know it's not going to work out so why be a dick about this? And also, I believe she said that she had a 10 week old at home so either, she's with a guy and looking for a woman too or a single mom. I know it's not easy being a single mom with a baby but this is a bad situation either way.

Venus

Changes

5/2/15

I have jury duty in June. I hope I'm not chosen. I don't think it would help anyone to have a psychologist on a jury.

I've felt better about being single. Even as one of my high school classmates is getting married, and posting it all over FB, I'm happy for her. I would do the same in the situation. I saw a video of a woman laughing while her husband was trying to say his vows and I thought how I am not sure I want a wedding that's all ceremonial and nerve racking. Also, my friend is engrossed in her next relationship, which reminds me of why I don't want to be in a relationship. She wasn't out of her last relationship long before she madly in love with the next guy. I know it's none of my business to judge but it makes me glad to take some time away from relationships.

I've struggled in the last years with my parents. The way they reacted to my rape at 13, their divorce, the snide thing that they've said to me, and how I want to be with them now. My dad seemed like he was getting better. I was able to talk to him about some harsh feelings and some thoughts I had. Then, his father in law died and he's all sad. He told me that his wife is hitting him. I think that if he is that he deserves it but I'm not going to say that to him, ever. I'm not like him-- someone who loves to bring people down or to gloat when they're in a bad place. The last conversation was so awful, I just don't want to talk to him. Then, I tried to talk to my mom about the whole thing and she was trying to make him sound better. Instead, she made him sound like a complete ass and made her look bad as well. She told me that he was conning women out of money before he met her. WTF mom, seriously, you married the guy that had no respect for women and you gave him two kids? The only point she did make was that he doesn't know how to have a family since he spent 15 years not talking to his mom but he did ask her for money for his business and that's how he got farther along in his business. I asked him for money for my trip to Italy. I don't expect him to talk to me for a while. I am a bit sad that I'm going to be on my own for a long time.

At Thursday night poetry, I didn't want to perform. I was just too sad. I also wanted to destroy all my work. It's going to be inspiration for great poetry in the future but right now, I don't want to talk. I hate that I get overwhelmed with my issues with parents. Because of the way my dad is the way he is, my problems aren't important unless someone is dead. So, I feel like in comparison to people who don't have my parents, my issues with my parents is nothing. It can't possibly be that bad. It doesn't even warrant me not talking to them. But I'm done with the crazy.

On my way to see a client, I thought about W again. I have been worried about running into him. I thought about how he could find me when he's ready. And then he contacted me. I don't trust him whatsoever. He didn't even admit that he lied. He said he didn't betray me. Alright, if you want to believe that you didn't betray me, fine but still, admit that you weren't there for me in my time of need, your work was shoddy and you insulted me. He is not with the girl that he was over the moon with when he couldn't be bothered with our friendship. I guess he got on medication too so that helps. We've kept to light conversations. I don't want to be bothered with meeting him right now.

5/3/15

I have a headache again.

I went to church and I was getting very jealous of a guy there. But I also think he has bad business sense. He was nice to me. I was trying to get out of all that. And then he told me I had the wrong friends when I was in San Diego. OK, you know what, no. I don't like people in CA for good reason and I'm not the only one. I'm not going to pretend that I was the problem.

Then, this woman said she felt sorry for me because I couldn't have all the fucking gluten filled treat that everyone brings every week. I said I felt great so I didn't see her point. It's not bad to be fit and not want to have fucking cupcakes and fucking pasta. I'd rather not feel like shit. I don't get treated badly for my allergies, EXCEPT at church. They really put me down for my choices. They've told me before that diets are meant to be broken. And so many other things. I'm grateful for the wait staff who write down that I have allergies to carbs and choose not to bring rice or bread to my table. I thought I'd be judged like those who are a little closer to me.

I just booked a ticket for a single cruise. I feel guilty that I'm doing that. I feel like I'm being mean to Tom but Tom has been very nice about my indecisiveness. And I'm glad that he finally wants to work out. I think that some of my intuition told me that he would get hurt. I was encouraging him to do yoga before he hurt his back. But he also said he wanted to do it in January.

The cruise is in NYC and is 4 hours around the harbor. I'm hoping it'll be great.

I also booked a trip to Italy to see my friend. I am so glad. I was waiting for my dad to help me but I figure that he won't be there for me. I think he wouldn't care if I didn't call him. Also, he's grieving and I don't feel like dealing with him.

I feel dumb for being mad at my mom for a decision she made over 30 years ago. It does effect me though.

I found out that I could possibly get assistance in putting a down payment on a house if I go for a particular program. I'd be happy if I could do that. I'm just getting some info together for a real estate agent. I want either someone in Rotary or someone who is recommended. My friend Tim has been helpful. He's an ex and now he's married. He's always been nice to me.

JZ came down a few weeks ago to try to win me back. But it was the same double message. He came to give me a painting. But he gave me flowers and asked for me back. He wanted to give the painting back because he didn't want it around since it reminded him of me.

I'm thinking of setting up a booth at some of those festivals this summer. I just want to sell some of my artwork before it's laying around. I don't want to be a painter with my work all around me and no way to sell it.

I've been very worried since Getty Images has been bullying me to pay money for accidental use of an image. I went to the BBB and my state's consumer affairs. I contacted one of my state representatives. I'm not paying and I'm going to fight. I think this aggressive and bullying technique is ridiculous. I still feel like shit because I'm standing up for myself instead of just paying it.

I better get going.

New Therapist

I guess a lot of revelations lately. I've been working with my therapist about feeling comfortable being single, which ties directly to PTSD and feeling like I belong. Whenever she brings up my lack of connection or lack of belonging, I almost cry. We're on being aware of what I'm feeling, grounding myself, putting memories away when I'm not ready to deal with them, and processing memories.

The past week, I've been at the gym. I feel like I'm not eating enough and end up feeling really down. I'm doing all these great things to keep my mood up.

I got sad and lonely on Easter and ended up drinking too much. It was not the best. I cleaned up the bathroom in a decent manner, I think. I felt like shit and ended up sleeping most of the day. It wasn't good for any part of a healthy lifestyle. I gave up drinking. And usually, it's not that big of a deal. But I had a dream last week (and I've been having nightmares all week) about a homeless man coming after me, demanding vodka. After running from him and having him right on my heels, even though I was running so fast, I turned to face him. Then, I woke up trying to scream. I was terrified.

Last night, my dream was that I was in a house of a person who had been possessed. I was helping the mom move out after her daughter was exorcised. The daughter's room was a complete mess. There were tears in the carpet and scratches on the wall. Then, there was a bag of clothes. I was putting things into boxes for the mom. There were lots of people stopping by to take pictures of the house where the exorcism took place. It was a bit annoying. People warned me that I could become possessed. I saw an infrared video of me and the cat. Our eyes were really weird so, I think we might have been possessed. In my dream, I wasn't sleeping well.

In this dream, I think I am trying to tell myself that I am in danger of giving too much of myself to help people. It definitely reflects my sadness lately. I feel like I give too much of myself and I'm not getting much back. I cried a few times last week. I am working on giving myself some time to just relax. I don't seem to have much. I am on-the-go on the weekends. I'm worried about work. I work 6 days a week. I don't have much outside of work. I'm not close with other people. I am worried about strange things like keeping my friends and if I'll ever get married. The last few days, I've become fine with the fact that I won't get married. It might be for the best. I don't want to get bored, restless, figure out ways of cheating, etc. I will have plenty of great, long lasting relationships that won't end in marriage or divorce.

All of this has reminded me that I have needs. I put them aside. I don't try to make statements that would feel like I'm trying to induce guilt. But I feel like if I make people aware of my needs that I'll be inducing guilt.

On top of that, I really don't know what I want.

I thought, for a second, that W. had unblocked me on some social media. I guess he's just posting publicly more often. I'm not sure what happened. I am not sure if he's doing well in his relationship or completely bad. We're very done with our friendship, though.

My friend Shannon posted on FB about how she was very happy in her relationship. She broke up with her boyfriend in October or November and now is with someone new, yet again. I knew this life before. But seeing her happy in a relationship, knowing that there is some long, sordid tale behind it, makes me happy that I'm single. I'm glad I'm working on my issues. She does have some loser friends and I'm not sure if she's the type of person who can choose a good guy for herself. As I said, I know the struggle too well. She barely talks to me when she's in town.

I'm reconsidering my friendship with her. But I'm doing that with most people. My friend Lucius had a melt down about some stuff that I wanted him to be supportive about. All of this is growing pains. Lucius tends to interrupt and make jokes. Last week, I just couldn't take another moment of it. He blamed his physical pain, called himself Patch Adams and said something to the effect of “if that's something you don't want, look elsewhere.” OK, if that's your strength, I'll talk to no one. UGH. He was very supportive during my break up and angry outbursts. I guess the keyword there is “WAS.” Now, I can't even try to be friends right now.

On top of the issues with Lucius, there were texts between me and JZ. I finally said that I was not interested in dating again. I know it's over but it still makes me sad to have it be so final. I feel guilty. But JZ isn't good for me. He does little for me. I can't trust him. He says he's changed but I don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt again-- or put myself in a position to want Joe so badly.

I'm out of steam. I'll write soon.