Forgot

I see the inequality more often. While I've focused on the difference in treatment of men mostly because I don't think enough feminists acknowledge it enough, nor fighting for it, I want to focus more on my experiences.
While talking to JZ one night, I realized that his rights especially in health care aren't decided for him. And today, I was thinking about how I was treated during a surgery. The surgeon accused me of not getting myself regularly checked out, even though my medical notes would reflect I did get myself checked every year, like I'm supposed to. How can someone tell me that? And he also seemed frustrated and had no bedside manner for something that was very personal and didn't feel good. I switched the pain to laughter, which bothered him more. It was only the nurse who was kind of nice about it.
I think about being followed after I went to the abortion clinic. You know, you wouldn't think that anti-abortionists could do that, no matter what I was doing there-- and they let me know by putting something on my windshield-- no one else's, telling me that this is what I did to my "child." WHAT? Those were known to be faked and wtf, you fucking followed me home? I thought we were beyond this. You completely have the right to protest, you don't have the right to harass people.

Even if abortion was made illegal, there would always be a need for it. I'd rather people have access to medically safe abortions. That's women's health. Why are men allowed to decide this? Why are upper class white men allowed to make these decisions for women of all sorts of classes and ethnicities? Are their wives and children not embarrassed for their decisions? Oi, it's just so bad.

And that's just my experience. I've heard horror stories of women's pain being ignored by doctors because a man couldn't validate it. When a man, such as a husband, validates it, then a doctor will believe it. Otherwise, it's basically a pat on the head and deal with it. I've heard about a woman who was being carted off for a c-section because the heart rate of the baby went down, which she knew was normal for the baby to do before they were born. Staff held her down, and since she was a surrogate, the to-be mom was brought in, all while this woman was giving birth. She was going to get a c-section to save 5 minutes. She was pissed.

I've been following the diet and it's finally gotten better. The rash is not that bad. I feel stronger. I'm enjoying it, finally.

Ali contacted me again. Even though he added me as a friend on FB and he knows I have a boyfriend, he was still trying to get me to sleep with him. I was embarrassed for him. And finally, I had to get mean-- telling him I wouldn't sleep with him. And he finally got it.

I've been up and down about being in a relationship. I'm still surprised that JZ stayed around. I was negative about relationships. The CDs in my car play break up songs. I don't expect people to have good relationships or long lasting relationships. JZ still stuck through. I was not ready for a relationship when he came along. I still worry that in 6 months or 2 years, I'm going to have a weak moment and go fuck someone. I wish I could have an open relationship for that reason but I honestly don't want anyone else. I see these guys, they flirt, and I just think, I'm not trying to flirt but you're fun to talk to, wish we could hang out-- but that all seems like friendly flirting instead of just being friendly.
I have been getting sad about Joe lately. His birthday is coming up. I just get so sad. He's not out of my life. He does have well intentions for me. He's been very respectful but I think of him from time to time-- how things would go differently in bed. And then I think how I would not have wanted to actually have him anymore.
Lucius has been supportive about JZ-- telling me to wait, let him get into the groove of getting to be an intuitive lover. Lucius has not been a supporter of any guy I've dated in the last 5 years. He was supportive of Tim, which I think was really stupid that I'd continue to contact Tim even though it was not a good relationship. I'm glad that Tim is getting married-- I helped him with his dating profile that got him the girl. Awesome. 
Lots of my exes are getting married- wish they'd stop but I'm happy for them.
Lucius also hasn't met many of my boyfriends or dating partners in the last 5 years. He went off to California and has been a dick ever since. It's only recently that he's been even tolerable to be around. For a while, he was picking apart the way I'd say things like walk, crayons, freeway, New Haven, etc. That was fucking annoying. If I didn't have W to make fun of stupid people with, I'd be very, very miserable. Lucius met Joe but he met Joe when we were at our wits end. Also, Joe was not treating me right the night Lucius met him. His friend drove us to New Haven, he and his friend talking the entire time about bands and movies, not really acknowledging me or talking with me. Then, they did it on the way back-- are you fucking kidding me? I thought Joe would hang out with me after the night ended, just to cuddle or hold hands. No, he did the same thing-- talked all the way back with his friend. The whole fucking time they talked, they went to the concert/show together, and I was basically invisible. Yeah, not the best time to meet Joe. In the beginning, things were different. And afterward, things were different. For example, at the end of the relationship, I sent him a naughty text. He was upset-- telling me that people see his phone, look over his shoulder, etc. And a couple of months ago, we sent some naughty texts while he was at work. And just the other day, he texted me a dirty story of talking about masturbation while he was working-- and this woman walked by and he was horrified. I still keep in mind that we were at our wits end when he was so angry.

Lucius didn't tell me any impressions he had of Joe or Jeremy after he met them. I even asked him about Jeremy specifically.

When I went to church after making it official with JZ, I received hands-on healing and the woman told me that the relationship that I'm in is compassionate and good. It'll last a while. No one knew that I had gotten into this relationship since I hadn't been at church since I had met JZ.
I didn't realize that two of the young people at church, who come together every other week, were in a relationship. I didn't know what they were together-- just that they come together and she's a nanny for another family. She's very nice. She's very grounded. He's all about having a for-profit psychic-type business-- he wants to do past life readings and teach people about how to do different types of not-so-well-researched hokey type of things. There's only so much I can put faith into before I'm like, "This doesn't work" or "This looks dubious." There are some things that I'm like-- no. I know some people who put teas together for healing. If tea has healing properties anyway, I'll go to the local coffee shop and get one. I know the tea that's put together has a bit more consideration into it but if it's all the same, then the cheaper ones I can get at the coffee shop will do just fine. I don't think he's being very realistic about this. And well, she seems very down to earth. I also don't like that he doesn't read my energy. He's had plenty of opportunities-- and he just doesn't. But that's the way with many people. I like psychic mediums and most of the people are mediums-- which doesn't help. Mediums will just tell you what you already know currently. And since I believe in spirits and can sense them, I usually know which ones are around me-- i.e. if my great grandmother or grandmother or a writing guide is around me, I know it. I can tap into that. I don't need someone telling me that the birds I see are a good sign or that I should take more walks. No. Tell me that I am making the right decisions-- but you know, I already know it. Tell me if I'm making a blatantly wrong decision for myself-- associating with the wrong people, etc. Tell me what could happen. I'll respect it. Or tell me to give someone time or space or understanding and I'll do it.
So, I don't particularly respect this guy-- oh, hey, there's no theme of that in my life. And I respect her. It's difficult for her sometimes since she's from Italy. I've only seen him show affection to her once.
I know I've written before-- I'm always on the outskirts of the group. But the reason I'm not a group therapist anymore is because I don't like groups, they're difficult to manage. Having a one-to-one friend helps me so much. There's less distraction. I get to finish sentences and have attention-- the way that the introvert part of me likes. With the people from church not really giving me readings or offering past life readings, I just think about how they don't consider me close. And I think that's a problem when working with mediums. They really shouldn't know you that well to give a good reading. When they know you well, they may be able to tap your energy better, just like I could tell by my friends' faces when they're not doing well or going through something-- but if they need to get to know you before they give you a good reading, then they're not good mediums. So, that's what I think and I probably have my energies up. I usually don't get read right away and even if I am, it's just about stupid stuff I'm working on-- and if I say anything, it's the same response, "Well, the spirits just want to know that they're around." You know what I like, that my therapist can read my energy, since she's a spiritualist too, and that she can tell me areas I can work on, she can tell me issues that might arise (i.e. depression grasping at me sometimes), and I appreciate it. When she told me that angels were trying to lift me up and that there were things that were holding me back, I knew it was Jeremy and within two weeks, we were done. And Jeremy and I are still good friends. We laugh every time we talk to each other-- it's why I stayed with him. We can make each other laugh like children-- like brother and sister do or should at least.

So, I'm not used to no PDA when couples are around. I like some PDA. JZ's friend pointed out that we held hands the entire time we were hanging out. I also did that because his friend can be a dick and was saying some things that I was trying to convey, "Please don't take this personally. This is not who you are." I worry about what I heard from his friend, though-- that JZ is flying off the handle. And that weekend, he mentioned the time we spend together. It was work, the band, and me. He doesn't get to spend too much time with friends-- he has me to worry about. He mentions money-- for a used car, for a new place, for fixing the van, -- and the times we spend together. I think I even mentioned, do you not want us to spend time together? And he was fine. But it got me worried-- and then he mentions all the time that he missed me and wished I didn't live so far away. I would compromise when I get a place too-- and move closer to where he lives but I really just want to be closer to the office. And it makes me feel weird because I constantly choose career over relationships. But I can take disappointment in career. I feel awful if something happens in a relationship. I wonder sometimes if relationship junk prevents me from being really good at what I do. What if it colors what I say and what I do?

Anyway, I can't believe I've written this much. I'll write later.